


And This is What I Long For

by cwnorth



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Connor Deserves Happiness, Drama, F/M, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Relationship(s), Sexual Tension, Sexy Times, So much angst, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, connor and evan, cxe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-11-28 08:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 109,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11414217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwnorth/pseuds/cwnorth
Summary: Evan Hansen told a lie.He didn't think it would become such a mess so fast. He just wanted to keep his relationships with Zoe and Connor Murphy separate. Unfortunately, he came to the conclusion that lying was the best solution. Poor Evan Hansen now has quite the mess on his hands, and the web is getting more tangled by the second. Having feelings for two siblings is a nightmare, especially when choosing one can only end in heartbreak. Zoe, the bright, kind, caring sister, and Connor, the dark, tortured, passionate soul. Both equally thrilling and endearing to Evan in their own ways. Senior year of high school is bringing more than it's fair share of challenges and Evan will have to find his way through the maze of relationships, secrets, and lies, before someone ends up broken beyond repair.





	1. In Which Senior Year is Off to a Great Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Welcome to my DEH fic that I love very dearly. I hope you enjoy it (and make it to the end! hehe) Just so you know, even though I've finished writing this, I still check for comments every day! I always respond and love hearing what you all have to say about my story. Feel free to chat about anything, too, not just DEH! Hmu on Tumblr (@thewanderingapothecary) and I'm sure we'll become the best of friends! Again, thank you for taking the time to read this. I poured many hours of love into it, and am happy to share it with you all. <3
> 
> ~C.W.

He forgot his locker combination. It had only been 3 months and yet all of a sudden his mind went blank. First day nerves. Senior year. The pressure was understandable.

His fingers fumbled nervously with the spinner. A-H-L-J? Or was it A-H-Y-J? Dammit.

The bell rang. He jumped and managed to catch his elbow on the door as it swung open with a clang. “Fuuuuuuu-“

“Evan Hansen?”

He swung around, horrified someone had picked him out of the rushing crowd of teenagers around him. But when he saw it was only Jared, he let out his breath. “God, I didn’t realize it was that easy to scare the shit out of you, Evan.” Jared snorted, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Summer not treat you well, or is it just the expected first day tremors?”

“First day.” Evan looked down at his shoes, last year's style, definitely not "in" anymore. He made a mental note to wash them when he got home.

“Earth to Evan, I’m still here.” Jared took Evan’s bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Where you headed?”

“Science.”

“Yuck, first thing in the A.M.? Not jealous. I’ve got History.”

“That might be worse. I’d fall asleep in that.”

“What did you do this summer? Hopefully something more fun than just breaking your arm?” Jared nodded at Evan’s left arm which was wrapped in a very clunky, very awkward cast. His hand looked even smaller than normal, just the tips of his fingers and thumb visible through the gauze. “Thank God you’re right handed.”

Evan swallowed. “Yeah, it happened while I was at work. Well, volunteering for this national park. Not the same thing, I guess.”

“No wonder you didn’t text me. No cell reception?”

“Yeah, dead out there. Quiet.” Evan missed that quiet. He missed being alone, with no one bothering him about anything but whether he had logged his duties for the day. Sleeping in a tent, the stars and branches above him, was unbeatable.

“How did you break it?” Jared looked slightly concerned. “A bear?” he winked.

“No, I…I’m sorry it’s embarrassing.”

Jared waited. He knew Evan would speak in his own time.

“I fell out of a tree.”

Evan’s worse nightmare happened: Jared laughed. “What the hell! What are you, a fucking acorn?” Jared nearly doubled over in laughter. A couple other kids stared as they passed by.

“Shut up, Jared.” Evan grabbed his bag back. “I’m late for class. See you later,” and he rushed off before Jared could stop him.

The classroom was not a better solace. It wasn’t necessarily that he was picked on distinctly, but rather than he was so ignored it was as if he was a spirit that walked among the living. No one blink when he passed by them, or even when he bumped into them by accident. It was like they felt nothing. His presence didn’t stir the air. He chose a desk in the back, like he always did. So far, nothing had changed. Just another birthday passed, a year older, a year more transparent.

 

 

“Oh my God! Trisha’s boobs are even bigger than last year, and even I didn’t think that was possible.” Jared let his glasses fall down his nose dramatically as she walked by their table, her blonde hair bouncing in rhythm with her… Evan blushed. “Evan, don’t tell me you don’t think about girls like that.”

He choked on his pastrami and white bread sandwich. No cheese, because he was lactose intolerant. He remembered how he had become sick off ice cream one day and never looked back. “Yeah. Of course I have…do.” He tried not to look Jared in the eyes, but Jared pressed into Evan’s shoulder. “You probably get all warm thinking about Zoe Murphy’s boobs.”

“Oh my god, Jared!” Evan swallowed with a cough. “I had a crush on her last year. I’m over it now. She’s never even said hi to me. I don’t think she’s even looked at me once.”

“That doesn’t matter a wink. You can still fool around when-“ Jared stopped mid sentence and looked dazedly over Evan’s shoulder, causing Evan to whip around and look behind him. “What? Is she behind me? Oh my god, Jared did she hear you?” But he didn’t see Zoe. He didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“I forgot to tell you,” Jared nodded at the figure that just entered the cafeteria, kids parting like the red sea to make way for Connor Murphy, Zoe’s older brother. “I’m going to be doing all the work in Science this year because that dick is my lab partner.” Jared slammed his head onto the table, sloshing Evan’s apple juice out of its thermos. Evan took another look back at Connor and locked eyes with the boy. Maybe it was his imagination, but Evan was sure he saw Connor bear his teeth like a dog.

Evan quickly looked away, red as a beet. “Oh my god, I think he saw me looking at him!”

“What the hell did you look at him for?!” Jared moaned. “Do you want him to come over here and kick the shit out of us?”

“Sorry!”

Connor was walking this way.

“Fuck, Evan!” Jared brought his head closer to Evan’s as he pretended to be in a deep conversation with him. Connor continued to approach. Evan could feel the heat rising up his neck as if someone had turned up the temperature in the room by 20 degrees. He swallowed and his breath came out in a muffled choke.

“You laughing at me, Kleinman?”

“I’m sorry, did you hear something Evan, sort of like an annoying fly buzzing about?”

Evan couldn’t turn around. He didn’t want to get involved.

“I’m giving you a second chance to answer me, Kleinman, before I decide to make you unable to speak ever again.”

“Oh, god, I’m so scared! Eat my ass, Murphy!”

“Jared, please…” Evan put his hand on Jared’s arm in an attempt to pull him back down to his seat, from where he had risen in an attempt to look more intimidating, which was impossible, considering Connor was a good 5 inches taller than him.

“Do you have something you want to add, Hansen?” Connor put his hand roughly on Evan’s shoulder, forcing him to turn around awkwardly in his seat. Briefly, Evan wondered how Connor even knew his name. No one but Jared ever spoke to him. His face grew warmer.

“N-no. I didn’t say anything to you. I was talking to Jared.”

“Ignoring me, then? I’m used to it. Stand up.”

Evan didn’t move.

“I said stand up, you little bitch!” He grabbed Evan’s shirt collar and forced him off the bench. Evan's knees caught awkwardly on the underside of the table, causing him to fall backwards to the ground, hard, on his ass. Connor immediately went to him and pulled him to his feet again. “You scared?” Evan nodded furiously as his eyes began watering. This, all this, on the first day? What did he do wrong? Connor was singling him out, just to pick a fight. The two boys locked eyes, but still Evan didn’t speak. What would he even say? Then the world grew silent. Connor just continued to stare at Evan until his eyes lost their fire, and his scowl turned to a blank stare.

Evan swore time stood still as he wondered how he’d explain the new bruises to his mom.

Then, Connor's anger came back. The world began moving, slowly, as Evan found himself on the ground, slamming hard against another table. He winced, hearing Connor’s muffled voice, as if he were in a fish bowl, and the rest of the world were outside it. “Fuck you, Evan Hansen!” He watched the boy storm off, vision tilted, eyes heavy. Evan held his arm gingerly, before he realized.

He was lying on his right arm. His broken one was on top of him; it hadn’t even hit the ground. He had fallen on his good side.

 

 

The day was over. Finally. Evan raced to his car faster than he had ever moved in his entire life, or at least, that’s what it felt like. The drive home was only 15 minutes, as he and his mother lived downtown, in a small apartment across from a park, the courthouse, and a church. Evan liked living downtown. He was within walking distance from the library, a theatre, multiple coffee shops, and a jazz club. However, the apartment building was well over 100 years old, and it certainly showed. The elevator was creaky and shaky (hardly anyone was brave enough to use it), their sink had a perpetual leak, and there was no central air conditioning. But, Evan’s mom, Heidi, worked her motherly magic and made it feel like a true home, complete with family pictures on the wall and an always full cookie jar.

When Evan walked in the door, he was greeted by the familiar sound of barking. His dog, Samson, came bounding over, jumping up on Evan’s legs, begging for a kiss.

Samson was a dachshund.

“Hey, boy. Did you miss me all day? I hope mom remembered to let you out before she left.” Evan grabbed the leash and led the dog out the front door and down the stairs. He wandered across the street to the park where Samson sniffed each bush to his hearts content before finding one worthy enough to christen.

Finding a bench, Evan sat down and let Samson off his leash for a bit, keeping an eye on him to make sure he didn’t find his way near the road. Soon enough he became lost in his thoughts, letting the woe of the day finally hit him. It wasn’t going worse than he had already imagined it would be, but then, at lunch . . .

Why had Connor done that? Why had he singled him and Jared out like they were the only people in the school looking at him? Connor was a sight, and Evan wasn’t the only one who knew it. Connor was tall, lanky, and very pale. His long, shoulder length hair was a dirty blonde that was neither curly nor straight, but always matted. He never wore color, always black and grey and white. His black combat boots graced his feet all 365 days of the year, and no matter how hot it was, he always wore that infernal grey hoodie. His nails were painted black, and his cheeks were sullen, sharp, and boney from tobacco and alcohol. He had blue eyes, startlingly icy, with a small fleck of gold in the left one . . .

God, how had he even had time to notice that about Connor? Evan felt hot all of a sudden. He called Samson back and hooked his leash, the duo traipsing back to their apartment. Upon entering, Evan heard the sound of the TV and the kitchen smelled of rice and sweet corn.

“Sweetie! You’re home!”

“Just took Samson out. Wasn’t sure if you’d forgotten again.”

“Aw, you’re such a good boy, Evan. Samson would probably tear this place apart if it were just me and him.” Heidi reached for her son and enveloped him in a warm embrace. Evan felt slightly better. His mom didn’t always understand him, but a mom hug was a mom hug, and they were like drugs and magic combined. “There’s corn, rice, and teriyaki chicken for dinner,” she said. "Grab a plate and join me at the table."

Evan found his way to the kitchen where he plated just enough food to satiate himself, but not enough to make him full. He made sure each of the foods were separate on the plate, none of them touching the other. Not even the chicken on top of the rice. It looked like a peace sign in the middle, perfect thirds as they were. He sat down at the table that rested in a corner of their living room.

Then came the infamous question, that every mother asks her children. “How was your first day of school, honey?”

Evan tried so hard not to sigh, but his shoulders hunching were enough to give himself away. “Um, it was fine.”

“Did you talk to anyone?”

“Jared.”

“Is that all?”

“Well, yeah.”

“You should have had him sign your cast!”

“Oh, yeah.”

“How were classes? What’s your schedule like?” And Evan proceed to tell her: Science, Math, Literature, Lunch, Gym, Computer lab, Environmental Science AP, and History AP.

“Wow, I’m so proud of you, getting into those AP classes. You won’t regret it. Testing out of classes before college is the best! I tested out of all my prerequisites. I got to start towards my major right away. You’re so smart, sweetie. I’ll bet you could do it to.”

“Oh, thanks.” Evan pushed the remaining rice around his plate. He wasn’t very hungry. “Can I be excused? I need to go start some homework.”

“Oh,” Heidi looked disappointed. “Homework on the first day?”

“Well, I mean it’s not due till Friday, but I want to get it done early. Jared said I could come over to use his pool before summer is over, so I don’t want to have homework over the weekend.” That is, assuming Jared remembered that he had invited Evan over, and not schedule something else on top of it and then cancel on him at the last minute, like usual.

“That’s awesome, Evan. I’ll come say goodbye before I go to class.” She smiled at her son as he walked to the kitchen to put away his plate. Evan headed down the hall to his room and quietly shut the door. Then he went to his bed, sat down, grabbed his bottle of pills, and a glass of water. Downing one pill with a swift gulp, he let out a huge, shaky breath, set down the cup, laid back on the bed, and began to sob.

 

 

Evan didn’t remember his mom coming in to say goodbye. He woke up at 6 am, the sunlight just starting to peak through his bedroom window, 5 stories off the ground.

He rolled over and found that at some point in the night he had taken off his shoes, shirt, and pants. He sat up, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and stood up, wobbling slightly as his vision blurred then cleared. He went to the bathroom to rinse his face, and when he looked up he almost didn’t recognize the eyes that peered back at him.

Evan didn’t like looking at his face, and he especially didn’t like looking at his body. Over the summer, out in the sunshine every day, he had become very tan, and freckles had appeared over his nose and shoulders. He never went to the gym, or participated in any sort of physical exercise, so he was slightly round and soft in most places. He had never been tall, and at 5’ 7” he barely looked like the 17 years that he was. No fake ID’s for this kid. Even once he hit 21, Evan knew getting carded was going to be a problem for years to come.

Evan never found his body attractive, especially not in a sexual way. When he thought about Zoe Murphy, (Connor’s sister, oh god! What was wrong with him?) he wasn’t surprised she had never spoken to him. She could probably take one look and know he had nothing to offer her. He thought about touching her, his hands on her hips, her waist, her . . . he blushed, but inside, he strangely felt hollow. He looked at himself, square in the eyes, and saw nothing there. Maybe he really had moved on from Zoe. Maybe he was done torturing himself by trying to love someone who would never love him back.

Evan grabbed a pair of tan pants and a blue striped polo from his dresser. He tried not to cringe as he pulled on his sneakers (he had forgotten to clean them yesterday, just like he said he said he wasn’t going to do.) He didn’t bother to brush his hair, just ran his fingers through it so it didn’t look flat in the back like it always did when he woke up in the mornings. His mother wasn’t awake. She usually didn’t get up till around 8, after Evan had already left for school. Grabbing a piece of bread, he popped it into the toaster. After a few minutes it popped back up with a clang, causing Samson to stir from the couch and jostle into the kitchen, no doubt hoping for a bite. “Sorry buddy, this is mine. You can catch the crumbs though.” After that, Evan grabbed his keys and left as quietly as he could.

He liked to get up early and drive to school the long way, out around the countryside past the old farmhouses and wineries. There was an abandoned orchard he would pass by everyday, the trees tall and overgrown, growing together in a canopy beneath the sky. He had always been tempted to stop and explore it, but had always been afraid he’d get lost and have to call his mom, and oh god, how embarrassing that would be. So he just continued to drive past and stare at it wistfully.

By the time he got to school, it was just 10 minutes before the first bell was supposed to ring. He parked near the back, next to a red Mini Cooper. He was turning off the ignition and grabbing his books and lunch bag when Whack! His car shook from the force of the car next to him slamming its door into his. He looked up, a nervous sweat forming on his brow when he saw who had done it.

Zoe Murphy.

She got out of the car and quickly shut her door. Evan then jumped out of his car and did the same. They looked at his door together. There was a massive dent in the center of it.

“Oh my god! I am mortified. Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

“What the hell?” The driver of the mini cooper also appeared around the other side, Alana Beck, Evan believed, a friend of Zoe’s. “What did you do, Zoe?”

“I hit Evan’s car with the door!”

Evan froze and stopped breathing. Zoe knew his name.

She actually knew who he was.

She turned to him. “I’ll totally pay for you to get your car fixed. My insurance can take care of it. I can’t believe I did that.” She looked at her car, which had not a scratch.

“And like an asshole, my car is perfectly fine. Here,” she grabbed her notebook and started writing down a number. “Call this place and tell them what happened and they’ll reimburse you once your car is fixed.”

She reached out to hand Evan the paper, and it took him a second before reaching forward and grabbing it out of her hands.

“T-thanks.”

The three of them stood there for a second before Alana sighed and said something to Zoe about being late to class.

“You’re sure you’re not mad?” Zoe asked Evan one more time.

“Oh, I swear! My car isn’t that big of a deal, as you can see.” He motioned towards his 2000 Honda Accord, two door. Really classy.

“Okay, well thanks for being such a good sport about it. Let me know if my insurance company are dicks and don’t believe you, and I’ll give them a call, too.” And after that, she was gone in a whirlwind of peach perfume and pink shorts.

Evan was ten minutes late to his first class because he had forgotten how long he had been standing by his car, Zoe Murphy’s note still clutched in his hands.


	2. "Connor Murphy Might Be Stalking Me"

The rest of the week went by in a blur. Evan resumed his duties as a ghost, never raising his hand to answer a question, even though he knew he had the right answer. Never speaking to anyone other than Jared, and even then, only when Jared first approached him. Evan avoided Connor as best he could around the crowded halls of Jefferson High School. Tuesday, Connor had been loitering by Evan’s locker, and instead of approaching, Evan spent all of History AP claiming he had forgotten his text book at home. Wednesday, during gym, Connor was on the opposite team of dodgeball, so Evan feigned an anxiety attack (well, it was actually a real one, if he was being honest) and sat out on the bleachers. Thursday, during Math, Connor was sitting at the desk that was Evan’s usual spot, way in the back. So Evan sat in the very front row, closest to the door, so as to beeline out when the bell rang. Today was Friday, and Evan was currently having lunch in his car, alone. He put on MGMT and blew the air conditioning at full blast while he ate his snap peas with ranch and a half tuna sandwich. He was pulling out all the stops, yet again, to avoid Connor’s attention. He would be forever puzzled as to why Connor had even singled him out in the first place. It was stupid, especially when Evan had never spoken to him before that first day, and not even _to_ him, but to Jared, in an attempts to stop a fight. Last time he ever tried to save anyone’s ass, that’s for sure. 

When it was 1 o’clock, Evan headed back inside for his AP classes which were always the last two of the day. However, it being a Friday, he was not free to rush home straightaway as he would wish, because on Fridays he had therapy, and he had forgotten, yet again, to type up his letter.

They were these stupid letters his therapist made him write to himself. A "Dear Me from Me" sort of thing. They were miserable in that Evan would read them back to himself and see all the sad parts of his heart. He didn’t like having to admit how broken he was. He’d rather pretend his anxieties didn’t exist; to not have to look at them, so that no one else would have to look at them either. But, that was not to be. He had to write them, and he had to read them out loud to his therapist. Fridays were the worst days.

He went to the computer lab, which was deserted, as everyone knows that high schools empty fastest on Fridays. He sat down at a computer in the back and began to type:

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

 

_Sincerely,_

_Your most best, and dearest friend,_

_Me_

 

Evan sat back in his chair and sighed. Why did every letter he write always come down to Zoe? Every which way he tried to finagle his thoughts, it all came right back to her. No wonder he had to continue his therapy session. He looked utterly insane, in love with a girl he didn’t even know. He stood up, stretched his arms out and sighed long and loud. Thank god this week was over. He needed time to get everyone, including Zoe, out of his head. Striding around the corner, Evan reached for his paper in the printer when suddenly, another pair of hands flew down and snatched it out from under his finger tips.

“Didn’t know you wrote love letters to yourself, Hansen. Are you that desperate for some attention?” Connor Murphy laughed through a grin that was much more malicious than genuinely amused. 

Evan immediately felt his armpits dampen with sweat. “It’s not a love letter.” 

“Oh, it’s not? Then why are you talking about my sister here?” He put a long finger to the white page; the color of his skin and the parchment were almost indistinguishable. “Seems like you’re pretty smitten if you ask me. Which is funny, considering I’m pretty sure you two have never spoken to each other before.”

“Um, well…yeah.” Evan didn’t know what to say. He could barely hear Connor’s voice through the pounding in his ears, like the ocean or white noise. 

“What did you do to your arm?”

Evan looked up, startled. Had Connor just asked him a question, without sarcasm? He looked in his eyes and saw nothing there but pure curiosity. Evan replied, “I broke it.”

Connor rolled his eyes, but didn’t snap. “I figured as much. How did you break it, is what I mean, obviously.” 

“Oh, yeah, uh. I fell out of a tree.”

Connor started. “You fell. Out of a fucking tree.” Evan waited for it. The rude remark, the insult at his stupidity. But all Connor continued with was, “You’re not Icarus, you moron. You don’t have wings. I’d recommend not doing that again.” He laughed, but not a mean laugh. “No one signed your cast?” Connor nodded at the blank canvas around Evan's arm and the sharpie that he gripped in his hand. 

“Oh, um, yeah, well it’s fine. No one was around to ask.”

“I’ll sign it.”

“Oh, no it’s really okay. I’m fine.” But Connor had already stepped over and grabbed the sharpie Evan was clutching in his palm. In giant, block letters, Connor wrote his name across the entirety of the cast.

“There,” Connor said. “Now we can both pretend we have friends.”

Evan blinked, once, then looked up at Connor again, who still had the letter clutched in his right hand. “Can I have that back please?” 

“After you tell me what “ _all my hope is pinned on Zoe”_ means.”

Evan just knew his face must be red as a velvet. He didn’t want to be having this conversation with Connor, especially because he didn’t know what Connor would do. Would he go home and tell Zoe everything he had heard him say? “I just…I don’t have any friends, you know? And I just feel like, I mean, she seems so nice, and she hit my car with her car door the other day and she was just so apologetic and nice and she gave me her insurance number, and then she like, smiled at me, and I felt like maybe we could be friends, but I can’t talk to her because I’m really bad at talking to people and especially people I like, because I’ll start doing this thing where I’ll start talking really fast and say a lot because I get nervous because they’re so beautiful and I get nervous around beautiful things because I break things, and my anxiety gets really bad and…” Evan took a breath. Connor was staring at him, his lips slightly parted, still as a statue. 

“I thought you and Jared were friends,” he asked.

“Well, he only talks to me at school. And most of the time, he’s not very nice.”

“I’m not nice either.”

Evan flinched. What on earth did _that_ have to do with anything? He saw Connor look away and fiddle with the printer next to him. Evan just wanted to get that letter back already and leave. “You could be.”

Connor whipped his head back. “Why do you say that?” He looked instantly upset by Evan’s remark.

“I mean… last year, we had workshop together. You probably don’t remember that, but I do. And you hated Mr. Duvall, like so much, I’m pretty sure everyone could see the steam coming out of your ears and the laser beams out of your eyes. And whenever he had his back turned to the class you would do impressions of him with whatever he was talking about, and you were so good at it. You would draw a mustache on your face with a pen and put your hair back in a bun and one day, you made Susan Hatfield laugh so hard, you got her in trouble. But she thought you were so funny, she wasn’t even mad. I remember she turned around and said something to you, I don’t know what, but you smiled. A real big, genuine smile. That’s when I knew you weren’t so bad. You could be good if you wanted to.”

Connor was frozen. He couldn’t believe Evan had noticed that, and remembered it, from almost an entire year ago. He felt something tighten in his throat, like he had swallowed a banana without chewing it well enough. When had anyone ever bothered to pay attention to him? Connor always thought he had been a fog in everyone’s sight. “Well,” Connor was eager to change the subject, “my sister, I’ll have you know, is a bitch. She’s a goody two shoes who gets straight A’s, never skips class, and never goes to parties. She may be pretty, but she sure as hell isn’t fun.” 

Evan knew they didn’t get along, but it sounded like Connor was jealous, more than angry. “Can I have my letter back please?”

“Oh my god, Hansen. Calm down. Can’t you just print out another copy?”

“I don’t save them. I wouldn't want anyone to see them," Evan replied pointedly.

“I think I’m going to hold onto this.” Connor folded the piece of paper neatly, and placed it in his jacket pocket. 

Evan immediately started to fret. “I actually really need that. I’m not trying to be pushy, but it’s for my session, which is today, so can I please-“

“Hansen.”

“Yeah?”

“Stop talking.”

“Okay.”

And with that Connor walked out of the room, leaving Evan in the half dark, with his muddled thoughts and rapidly growing anxiety. 

 

 

When Evan got home, he quickly showered and then called the number Zoe had written down on the piece of paper almost a week ago. The insurance company told him to call Ashton’s Automotive to get his car fixed, and then the mechanic would just bill the insurance directly rather than out of Evan’s pocket. Evan hated phone calls more than he hated most things in life, but he took a deep breath and called Ashton’s immediately. He spoke to a man on the phone who told him to bring his car in at 8 am Monday morning, and they’d have it fixed within the week.

Evan then texted Jared.

_Hey, can I have a ride to school Mon?_

_Yeah,what happened to ur car?_

_Zoe slammed her door into it._

_Wait, THE Zoe? Zoe Murphy?_

_How did you get so lucky, Hansen?_

 

_God, stop. I don’t think it’s very lucky_

_that I’m out of a car for a week and_

_have to mooch off you for a ride._

_You sure as hell ain’t mooching off me for an_

_entire week, both ways. Lol find someone_

_else to share duties with._

_I don’t have anyone else! My mom works_

_asshole._

_Right. And I have chess club and Zumba_

_after school everyday._

_Zumba?_

_Shut up. Yes, I’ll give you a ride Monday._

_Tuesday is another story tho, so we’ll talk_

_about that when it gets here._

_. . ._

 

Evan thought for a moment before continuing. Should he tell Jared about what happened with Connor today? He certainly felt like he had to tell someone, and he hadn’t told his therapist that afternoon. 

 

_Jared. Connor Murphy talked to me today, too._

_Talked? You mean screamed and tried to_

_bite your head off? Cause that’s more_

_what I picture happening._

_I mean, he wasn’t nice, by any means, but he_

_didn’t push me which was . . . nice?_

_God, stop trying to humanize that monster._

_He’s a dickhead and you know it. Everyone_

_knows it._

 

_What did he say?_

 

_He caught me writing in the lab, one of those_

_letters to myself, for my therapy._

 

_Please tell me it didn’t say anything_

_incriminating. Or anything about me!_

_I mean . . . I mentioned Zoe._

_Fuck, Evan! What happened?_

_He told me she’s a bitch. He said she seems_

_nice on the outside but really she’s a goody_

_two shoes who isn’t any fun._

 

_Sounds about right. I told you forever ago_

_that Zoe Murphy was a prude._

_I don’t think he was talking about . . ._

_that kind of thing._

_I told him that he could be nice if he wanted_

_to be._

_Don’t tell me you tried to have a_

_decent conversation with that thing._

_I told him about that time in Junior year_

_when he made Susan laugh about Mr._

_Duvall. He seemed really weirded out_

_that I brought it up, or even remembered_

_it._

_Damn, Evan. I’M weirded out that you remember_

_that. Did he get upset?_

_No, just refused to give me my letter back_

_and then walked out of the room._

_Yikes. Think he showed it to Zoe?_

_Most likely._

_Sorry, dude. Sucks ass._

_Yeah._

 

 

Evan put down his phone after waiting a few seconds to see if Jared had anything else to add, but no further texts arrived. He laid back on his pillows and sighed. Why did the girl he has a crush on have to have a brother like Connor? Why did they have to be such polar opposites? And if they were so different . . .

Why did he feel so equally drawn to both of them? Like magnets, they were the only two people who clung to his thoughts.


	3. In Which Evan Hitches a Ride

“Evan! You’re late! Jared is at the door.” Heidi rushed into Evan’s room where he was passed out in bed. “Oh my god, honey! Did you not set an alarm? Wake up!” Heidi opened Evan’s blinds letting in warm morning light. Evan began to stir under the covers and finally managed to peak his head over the sheets. 

“What time is it?”

“7:50!”

“Oh my god!” Evan threw off his covers and ran to the bathroom where he slapped on some deodorant and ran his fingers threw his hair. He thought about brushing his teeth, but decided a piece of gum would suffice. Running to the closet, he grabbed a signature blue t-shirt and some worn out jeans. Throwing on his sneakers, Evan grabbed his school bag and rushed to his door where his Mom stopped him before he could run off. 

“Evan what’s this?” She grabbed his cast and turned it over where the big, black block letters spelled out “Connor”. Evan forgot all about that and winced at what his mom mightthink. “Did someone sign your cast?” She looked far too pleased, and also slightly confused since “Connor” was a name she was not familiar with. 

“Oh, um, yeah this kid from school.”

“A friend?” 

“N-not really. Just someone trying to being funny. I’ve got to go, Jared is waiting for me!“ He ran down the hall to the kitchen, where Jared stood looking very cross.

“Hey, Hansen. In case you didn’t know, I’m going to be late for History this morning thanks to you and your beauty sleep.”

“Sorry, I’m so sorry!” Evan grabbed a pop tart and threw it in the toaster, which he stood next to while he began to scarf down a banana. 

“What the hell, Evan. Does it have to be toasted. Can we please go?”

“Don’t tell me you eat pop tarts COLD, Jared?!” Evan looked sincerely horrified. The toaster popped and Evan grabbed the strawberry pastry, mid air. Then the two boys rushed out the door. “Bye mom!” Evan called, cutting off Heidi’s “Love you!” with the slam of the door.

Evan jumped in his own car and Jared followed him to Ashton’s Automotive, where Jared did most of the talking and filling out of paperwork because Evan didn’t know any of the answers about his car. 

“You don’t know that the model of your Honda is an Accord? It freaking says that on your bumper, Evan!” 

The time they spent there was a mix of huffing from Evan and eye rolling from Jared until finally Evan handed over the keys and the two boys left for school in Jared’s Camry. They pulled up to a full parking lot and a silent school, signaling the fact that they were, indeed, very late. Jared cursed and flew out of the car towards the building, leaving Evan in the dust. “Hey! Can I snag a ride home today?” He called after Jared’s quickly vanishing form.

“Yeah, sure kid. Remind me at lunch.”

They skidded down the hall and barreled into their respective classrooms where teachers and students turned to glare at the unprecedented interruption.

 

 

Lunch came and went, but when Evan looked around for Jared, he was no where to be seen. He decided to send him a text instead.

 

_hey where r u? I’m in the cafeteria._

_this is ur reminder that i still need a ride home today plz._

 

Evan locked his phone and put it in his back pocket. After another quick glance around, he rushed out of the cafeteria, eager to avoid contact with anyone else that day.

 

 

Connor Murphy watched as Evan Hansen entered the room. He stood, his light brown mop of hair just barely peeking out above the top of other passerby. He watched as he pulled out his phone, sent a text, and then vanished as fast as he came. Connor wasn’t one to normally sit inside the school for lunch, but today he had hoped for just this. To see Evan Hansen and hope he would see him back. 

Connor had felt bad from the moment he pushed Evan to the ground on the first day of their senior. He had always had a bone to pick with Jared Kleinman, but never with Hansen. Evan had always been the shy, quiet kid whom he saw too much of himself in. So much so that he had purposefully gone out of his way _not_ to pick on Evan. But that day had started out even worse than normal, and Connor just wanted to fight someone, anyone, to feel as if he still had some control over the mess that was his life.

That first week, he had tried so hard to get Evan’s attention. It had certainly worked, but not in the way he had hoped. Standing by his locker just kept him away from it all day. Sitting in his seat during Math didn’t cause even a batting of Evan’s eyelashes. And during gym Connor hadn’t even planned to do anything, but Evan sat out the entire game, so he couldn't even take a chance to talk to him. Was he that scary? Had one encounter really soured their contact so drastically? 

Perhaps following Evan to the computer lab had been a mistake. He hadn't intended to butt into his private affairs, but when he walked in, Connor lost all idea of what he was going to say. He had planned on saying “sorry”, but had never had a desire to say that word to anyone else before, ever. So when it came down to actually speaking it to Evan, he couldn’t. Instead he snatched that letter right from his hands and said something snarky. The only way he knew how to communicate: through anger.

Now, there he was, only a few feet away, and Evan hadn’t even noticed him. Perhaps he had gone back to ignoring him just like everyone else. Was it that easy for Evan to push aside how he had been treated? Connor was jealous of that ability. He wished he could forgive everyone of everything they’d ever done to him, and just move on, but . . . the pain was so fresh, it was like trying not to be mad at someone who had purposefully cut off your arm, and you could still feel the phantom pain. 

He’d figure out a way to talk to Evan Hansen, and he’d finally say what he really meant, regardless of it being the hard or easy thing to do. He would just say it. Say he was sorry, and say he wanted to be good, just like Evan said he could be, if he really tried. But it was just so hard; hard to love his family the way he knew he should. It’s impossible to forgive a lifetime of pain in one day. But maybe he could start from scratch, with at least one person. And maybe that person could be Evan. 

 

 

 

Evan barely made it through his history AP class. He kept staring out the window and got lost in thoughts of the weekend ahead of him. What was he going to do tonight? Tomorrow? Sunday? He had no plans, which was always _the_ plan. Sleep in late, eat breakfast while watching Netflix until 1, take Samson on a walk, come home, play video games until dinner, make a pizza, eat it while watching more Netflix, homework, then bed. R epeat again the next day.

About 10 minutes before class was scheduled to get out, Evan felt his phone vibrate. It was a text from Jared.

 

_Hey dude. Hate to bail but I’m not gonna_

_be able to give you a ride home today._

_Sorry._

_wtf Jared!!!_

_It’s literally 96 outside!_

 

_Sorry dude! Owe ya._

_. . ._

 

Evan couldn’t reply. He was too mad at Jared, and didn’t want to pick a fight, so instead of saying anything, he remained silent. He couldn’t believe he had to walk home, by himself, and in the miserable heat too. An unusual scowl crossed Evan’s face. He was not familiar with scowling. He frowned often, but it was always sad, not angry. He rarely felt angry. The bell rang and Evan quickly grabbed his bag and bolted out the door.

The sun was brutal, and he felt it immediately upon walking outside. Maybe it wasn’t as hot as Evan had said, but his bad attitude was making it feel more like 110. By car, it was only 7 minutes back to Evan’s apartment, but when walking, it took about 45. He let his bag drag on the ground as he began to trudge home, other teenagers in their Prius’ and Camry’s zooming by. He thought he heard some girls in a convertible laugh at him as they drove past, but it could have been his imagination. He _hoped_ it was his imagination. 

About three blocks down the road, Evan could see a bright red car in his peripheral vision. It was going slow, illegally slow, and following Evan as he walked along the path. Evan glanced back and saw a bright red Chevrolet Chevelle, with black stripes down the front. It was definitely an older car, but one that had been well taken care of and redone to look brand new again. “ _Expensive_ ” was his first thought. Evan didn’t know much about cars, but he guessed it was made in the 70s. Then, he stopped cold in his tracks when he noticed who was driving it.

Connor Murphy.

Evan began walking faster, but the car sped up. It caught up to where he was walkingalong the sidewalk and the window rolled down.

“Hansen!” Connor yelled out the window, one arm slung casually across the steering wheel while the other gestured at Evan, trying to get his attention. “What the hell are you doing walking home in this weather? You want to die of heat stroke?”

Evan tried his best to ignore him. 

“Where the hell is your car, Hansen?” Connor pressed further, and Evan felt eyes on them as other cars passed by. He wanted Connor to shut up and leave so people would stop staring.

“In the shop!” Evan yelled.

“You gonna walk all the way home?”

“Yes!”

“Fuck that, Evan. Get in the car.”

Evan stopped walking again, and looked over at Connor who had come to a stop in his car as well. Had he heard him right? Had Connor just offered to give him a ride home? Evan was reasonably suspicious. “No thanks,” he finally said, and continued walking. Connor followed.

“Dammit, Hansen! I’m not gonna let you walk all the way home. Get in the car!”

Evan stopped again. Connor too. There were now multiple honks from passing cars as Connor’s antics were getting worse. Evan wanted them to stop, stop looking, stop honking, stop everything. “Ugh! Fine!” Evan rushed to the passenger side of the car, and flung the door open, jumping inside and barely finished buckling before Connor hit the gas and they were off.

There was definitely a tension in the air. Evan didn’t say anything, and neither did Connor. There was no radio going, just the sound of the air in the windows as they went down the road. Evan still felt hot, even though the air conditioning was on. He felt embarrassed to be sitting here, with Connor next to him, desperately hoping they didn’t pass anyone they knew from school. How would he explain that the next time he saw them? 

Connor cleared his throat and Evan jumped, nearly hitting his head on the roof. 

“So,” he began. “What happened to your car?”

Blushing, Evan replied, “Someone hit it with their car door and it has a big dent in the side.”

“People are stupid,” Connor scoffed. “I’d kill anyone if that ever happened to my car.”

“I-is this your car?” Evan put a small hand on the dash. 

“Yeah. 16th birthday present.”

“Was that . . .” Evan realized he didn’t know exactly how old Connor was. Evan was 17, and since they were in the same year, he assumed they were pretty close in age.

“Two years ago. This year I didn’t get anything.”

Evan sucked in his breath. “Really? Did they forget your birthday?” They being his parents, obviously, but Evan didn’t want to bring them up, since he knew their relationship was rocky, based on what other kids talked about.

“Naw, they just hate me.”

Evan decided against pointing out that this must not be true considering just two years ago they had gotten him a very expensive and very _nice_ car. So he grew quiet again. 

Connor obviously felt uncomfortable in the silence too, so he reached for his phone which was plugged into the dash with an AUX cord. It made Evan astoundingly uncomfortable that Connor was looking at his phone while driving, and he instinctively reached out to grab onto the sides of his seat. Connor saw Evan tense up so he quickly played the last thing he had on his Spotify.

Evan’s eyes widened when the music began to play. “MGMT. You like MGMT?”

Connor grinned, small, just the corner of his mouth twitching up. “Yeah, why? Why, did you think I wouldn’t?”

“I don’t know,” Evan reached behind his neck and started scratching at his hair line; a nervous twitch he had gained in the last few years. “You look like someone who would like…” Evan turned and saw Connor giving him a strange look, half upset, half curious, so he stopped in his tracks. “Well, you look like you have a pretty diverse musical taste, actually. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Connor kept his eyes on the road and reached down for his phone and skipped to the next song which was loud, heavy, some sort of metal. Connor yelled above the booming speakers, “Is this more what you imagined?”

Evan couldn’t control himself and bust out in a deep, hearty laugh; one from deep inside his gut. He hadn’t felt laughter like that for years. Connor looked at him oddly, almost scared, like he had done something wrong. But he didn’t lash out, as would normally be his custom when someone laughed at him. Instead he simply asked, “What?”

“Just,” Evan leaned out the pen window trying to catch his breath. “That was funny! Like really funny! You just made fun of yourself, you realize that right?”

Connor shrugged. “I’m just pointedly aware of the stereotype my looks fit into. I’m not goth though, whatever fuckers say that.”

Evan reached over to grab Connor’s phone and then stopped, before asking, “Do you mind if I put something on?” It was a risky move, Evan knew, since he and Connor were practically strangers, but he took a chance. Some people were livid if anyone tried to change their music while in the car. Jared was like that. 

Connor shrugged, signaling to Evan that it was alright. Even unplugged Connor’s iPhone and plugged his in instead. Evan played the last thing he had been listening to which was “The Mother We Share” by Chvrches. 

They continued to drive with the music playing, and the two boys sat in amiable silence. Suddenly, Evan got an idea and blurted out, “Make a left here!” and pointed to a narrow road beside them. Connor had to practically slam on the breaks to make the turn, and several people honked at them as they caused a commotion. Evan slammed into the side of his door and winced. 

“What the fuck, Hansen!”

“S-sorry!”

“Where do you live?”

“Just this way a little.”

They continued to drive until they were coming up on the abandoned orchard Evan was so fond of. As they got closer, Evan told Connor to slow down and when they were directly across from it he told him to stop. Connor pulled over to the side of the dirt road and parked. “You live in a barn, Hansen?” 

“No, I just wanted to show you this.”

Connor looked around; there were fields of trees on either sides of them, and a little ways in a small abandoned building that looked like some kind of old farm store. “What exactly am I looking at?”

“It’s an old orchard that shut down in the 1950s. The trees are all overgrown and are full of wildlife. Deer and squirrels and foxes. It’s such a mess in there that they can burrow without fear anyone might get in and find them.”

They stared at it together until Connor broke the peace with, “So what’s the big deal?”

Evan didn’t flinch at the comment, even thought it hurt him. This was somewhere special to him and he had taken a risk by bringing Connor here. Not even his mom knew how he felt about this place. Maybe this was a mistake. “It’s just…so beautiful. It’s a mess but the beauty lies not in the mess, but in the fact that, t-that these animals have made a home out of something everyone else sees as a waste of space. I’ve always w-wanted to go out into it, b-but I don’t know. I get scared for some reason. I’m afraid to get lost if I went on my own.”

Connor didn’t reply, he just continued to stare out at the fields. After what felt like an eternity of awkward silence, Evan interrupted with, “Never mind, this is stupid. Sorry I’m wasting your time. Can you just take me home, please? Sorry.”

Connor turned the car back on and zoomed off and Evan refrained from telling Connor that he drove like an asshole. Aside from a few muffled words of direction from Evan, telling Connor how to get to his apartment, the two didn’t speak the rest of the way home. When they pulled up in front of Evan’s apartment building, Connor didn’t comment on the state of it, or the fact that it was downtown, and not in the fashionable suburbs where Connor was from. He just unlocked the door and let Evan get out (who embarrassingly tripped on his bag strap and nearly fell over in his rush to get away.)

“Thanks,” Evan said, awkwardly standing with the door open, and who had to bend over to see Connor inside the car. Connor merely nodded in response, so Evan shut the door and walked towards his building. Inside, he went to the mailboxes that lined the inner corridor; he took out his lanyard of keys and opened number 510. He tried his best to ignore the bills that came flooding in, but today was proving hard. There was no mail for him and there never was. Evan shut the door and turned to head inside when he saw Connor come running inside the building. 

He dashed up to him, out of breath, and said, “You forgot your phone.” 

Evan patted his pockets. Oh my god, he did! How embarrassing. He quickly grabbed the phone, said a barely audible “thanks”, and then Connor was off in a dash, racing out the front door with Evan glancing after him with a quizzical look. He shrugged, put the phone in his pocket and headed up stairs.

Samson greeted him with a wag at the door, and Evan petted him while he read the note from his mom that sat on the counter under a can of soup. 

 

_Hey Sweetie!_

 

_I’m sure you remember that I have class tonight, so here is some tomato soup I got from the store. There is some bread and ham in the fridge too, if you want a grilled sandwich with it. I love you, Evan! I’ll see you tonight, or tomorrow morning. Have a good Friday night! Don’t party too late. ;)_

 

_Your Mamma_

 

 

Grilled cheese sandwiches didn’t exist in Evan’s household, but grilled ham did. He got out the skillet and ingredients and started making dinner even thought it was only 4:45. By the time he was done, it was 5:30, and Criminal Minds had just started on TV. This was his usual Friday night ritual when Jared wasn’t available, as was the case today. After the show was over, Evan did the dishes, cleaned up the living room, started a load of laundry, folded said load of laundry, and did homework in between loads. At 10:45 he finally finished his homework for the day and plopped down in his beanbag to continue playing Undertale.

After about 30 minutes of game play, Evan felt his phone buzz.

 

_Dude, I just got home from a date!_

It was Jared.

_A date?? Who did you pay to_

_go out with you?_

_Trisha!!_

_Trisha? Like…“big” Trisha?_

_Yeah!!_

_We went to a movie and got shakes at_

_A la Mode! It was awesome._

_Cool._

Evan continued with his game. Then, another buzz.

 

_Hey, are you still mad at me for ditching you after_

_school today? I’m sorry about the ride. I really_ _am._

_I mean, yeah. A little. That sucked._

_Did you have to walk home??_

 

Evan paused before replying. What did he say? Tell Jared the truth or lie? If Jared knew he rode home with Connor Murphy, he’d never be able to let him live it down. He’d probably think he was crazy!

 

_Yeah. I walked._

_God, sorry dude. It was like 100 out. I suck._

_Yeah, you do._

_I forgive you tho. Just don’t ditch me for a_

_girl ever again! Bros first._

_For sure._

 

Evan went back to his game, and when he looked at the clock again it was well after midnight. Evan didn’t feel very tired though, as the days events had caused his mind to start buzzing a million miles per hour, ever since he got home. Evan was just starting to get tired when his phone went off again. He reached to the ground and scooped it up where he was already thinking of his response to Jared, asking why he was still bothering him at this hour of the night. But when he saw the screen, he stopped short. It was a text from an unknown number. Local, but one he didn’t have in his phone. 

 

_Hey, Hansen._

 

No one texted him but Jared and his mom. Both of whom he had contacts for. This was someone he didn’t know. Or…did he? Evan felt his stomach tie in knots when he had the idea of the culprit.

_Um, I’m sorry I don’t have your number_

_in my phone. You looking for someone_

_else?_

_This is Evan right?_

_Yeah._

_It’s Connor._

 

Evan just about dropped his phone on the ground when he saw the letters in front of him spell out “Connor”. How the hell did Connor get his number?

_Oh. Hi._

No response.

_Can I help you with something?_

Still nothing. 

_Did I accidentally grab something of_

_yours when I got out of your car?_

_Connor?_

 

What the hell. Evan put down his phone and went to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth and washed his face. When he came back to his room and checked his phone, there were still no new messages. He continued to get ready for bed by saving his game, turning of the computer, shutting the blinds, and undressing. After crawling into bed and under the covers, Evan grabbed his phone again and there was finally a new message.

 

_Sorry._

_i just wanted to say that I'm glad_

_u let me drive u home today._

_i dont mean that in like a weird_

_way. I mean, it was cool. u_

_seem like a cool dude, u know,_

_for like a nerd who has no friends._

_(not that friends are important_

_cause everyone sucks, mostly.)_

_anyway that thing u said about_

_the orchard? that was…i could_

_tell that took a lot of courage_

_for u to tell me all that. its_

_easy to see it means a lot to_

_u and i’m really…i mean_

_like u didn’t have to tell me_

_all that and it’s cool that u did._

_okay so now that this horrifying_

_exchange is over, I’m going to let_

_u go. see u later Hansen._

 

Evan was frozen. Where had this even come from? Connor was never like this, with anyone, at least not on the outside. What had Evan done to spur this weird outburst from a kid who wore all black and literally just said that nearly everyone sucked? Evan felt responsible for something, but he didn’t know what. 

 

 

Connor’s hands were sweating, he could barely hold his phone. Why wasn’t Evan responding? Is this what texting was like? Suspense and guilt and anxiety? No wonder he hated communicating with anyone, if this was the outcome. Pouring out one’s “heart” and then not getting any decent reply? Connor threw his phone off the bed where it crashed against his dresser. 

He should never have gotten the idea into his head. Immediately after Evan had spilled his soul about the orchard, Connor felt a lightning connection to the kid. Evan was so small, shy, helpless almost. Connor saw so much of himself in him, and wanted to make sure nothing bad ever happened to him. Evan, in saying all that about the orchard, had proved his goodness, his innocence. Connor remembered being like that. He remembered having something that all his hope and love lied in, and then having it ripped away from him. How is heart broke, his soul crushed. He didn’t want that to happen to Evan. It was too easy, and he saw it, in his future. So when Evan shared his feelings, Connor decided he would do whatever it took to save another soul, if he couldn’t save his own. When he dropped Evan off, and saw his phone lying on the dash, Connor grabbed it and quickly unlocked it (no passcode, thank god!) and went to the texts. He put in his number and sent himself a quick text from Evan’s phone. He now had his number. Then he ran inside and gave the phone to Evan who had “forgotten” it. A brilliant plan that was now proving to be a hopeless situation.

Then, his phone dinged from across the room and Connor flew off his bed to retrieve it. It was Evan, finally responding.

 

_Not everyone sucks, as you said._

_you don’t suck._

_just thought you should know that._

 

Did Evan really mean that? Did he actually think he was okay? Connor felt his stomach leap into his throat. What the fuck was making him behave this way? He had been restless ever since getting home. Maybe Evan was just what he needed; someone who saw the good in him that used to be. The good that needed pulling back out again. Maybe he could pull that out of Evan too. Maybe they had needed each other all this time, and just never realized it until this moment. He didn’t know, but he was determined to find out. 


	4. Texting, Coffee, and an Unusual Enlistment

Evan woke up in a daze. He almost felt like he hadn’t slept at all, his dreams were so lucid. It all felt so real, the dream mixed between getting up and grabbing his water bottle, drinking the entire thing, and then heading down the hall to fill it up again. Back in bed, after his head hit the pillow, he was out instantly, the dream back almost exactly where it left off.

He only remembered pieces of it. He found himself in the abandoned orchard, running through it at what felt like 100 miles per hour, trying to find his way out. Then, he stumbled into a clearing. It was a beautiful, golden field full of butterflies and lavender sprigs. Suddenly, there were Connor and Zoe. They stood, dressed identically, as if they were twins (which was impossible considering Zoe is two years younger than Connor. She was a sophomore, where he and Connor were seniors. They wore all white, their hair let loose; soft, brown, and curling. It was actually surprising how similar they looked, with the same blue eyes and boney features. They each reached out a hand to Evan, as if he was expected to choose who to follow out of the woods. He knew, but didn’t know how, that one would lead him to safety, whereas the other would lead him to destruction. He reached out his hand…

And of course, that is all he could remember. Evan racked his brain all morning trying to figure out who he had followed, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t recall the ending. 

After getting dressed, Evan headed down the hall where his mom was sitting on the couch on her laptop, a cup of coffee in her hands.

“Hey Evan! How’d you sleep, baby?”

“Eh, not so good. I had weird dreams.” He sat down next to her on the sofa.

“Aw, I’m sorry,” she said as she put her arm around him and pulled him close to her side. “Nothing pancakes can’t fix, right?” She winked. “They’re on the table.”

Evan went over and immediately felt better. Pancakes were his favorite breakfast food, especially with peanut butter and maple syrup, and his mom did not disappoint. He stacked three on his plate and heavily coated them with the toppings. As he sat at the table reading the newspaper (full of boring local news and a few play reviews) Evan felt his phone buzz from a text. His heart leaped to his throat when he saw it was from Connor, and he chocked on his bite of pancake. Heidi looked up from the couch with a questioning look, but Evan shook a hand at her as if to signal “I’m fine.” He reached for his phone which was laying next to him on the table and swiped it open to read the text.

 

_hey_

 

Eloquent. Evan tried not to roll his eyes and decided not to reply. Then, another text came in and Evan sighed a little. He felt his mom watching him.

 

_you do realize u have read receipts on, right?_

 

Oops. Now he _had_ to say something. Or, not necessarily. Maybe ignoring him was the easiest way to get Connor to leave him alone. Then again, he didn’t really like the idea of going back to school on Monday and having an even angrier than normal Connor coming to find him. Maybe there would be a punch in the face and a kick in the ass to go with it. Not promising. He didn’t want to be “friends” with Connor just to save his own ass though. This was tricky. 

 

_Hey_

_What are you doing?_

_Eating?_

_Are you sure?_

_Huh?_

_Well, you put a question mark on the end_

_so I wanted to make sure you knew_

_what you were doing. lol_

 

LOL? Evan let his face contort into a very confused, slightly horrified appearance. By now his mother couldn’t contain her curiosity. 

“Evan, is everything okay? Who are you talking to? Is it Jared?”

Evan didn’t know what to tell her. He couldn’t see how he could muster a convincing lie on such short notice. “Some kid from school.”

Heidi tried not to jump off the couch. “Did you make a new friend?!” 

“Oh my god, Mom,” Evan rolled his eyes and groaned. “I don’t even, like, know him.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

“We have lab together and he’s just asking me about the homework.” Whoops. He guessed lying was easier than he thought. He just couldn’t imagine telling his mom, “ _Oh, I’m just making small talk with the school bully who pushed me down the other day and also told me to fuck off just for looking at him, but now we’re chill.”_

“Oh! Is he going to come over to work on it with you?” She asked.

Evan gave her the side eye. “I don’t know, why?” 

“Oh, I’d like to meet him!”

“I don’t think you do. We’re not friends, we’re just lab partners. He’s kinda scary?” Heidi flinched at scary, so Evan hurried to add, “Like, he has a strong personality? And I’m shy so you know, we don’t mesh very well. But he hasn’t been mean!” He saw his mom relax and Evan felt even worse for lying about Connor being mean. If there was anything he knew about Connor, it was that he was _definitely_ mean. His phone buzzed again. 

 

_I hope you know I was joking…_

_Yeah sorry, haha…_

_You busy rn?_

 

Evan shoved the rest of the pancakes into his mouth as fast as he could manage without chocking. He coughed as he got up to clear his plate. After mumbling a quick thanks to his mom, Evan raced down the hall to his room where he slammed the door, went to his closet, opened the door, and shut himself inside. When he was settled on a pile of dirty laundry on the floor, he took out his phone from his pocket and dialed Connor’s number. It was quickly answered by the familiar, high pitched voice. 

“Hansen.”

“Why do you keep texting me? And how did you even get my number in the first place?”

“Geez, slow down. Am I bothering you?”

In all honesty, Evan couldn’t really say that he was. “You asked if I was busy?” He changed the subject.

“Yeah, well I’m close to your apartment right now, and I mean, I know you’re not hanging out with anybody cause you don’t have any friends, and neither do I, so I thought maybe you wanted to…do…something.” His voice faltered on the other end of the line. Was Connor…nervous? Evan felt warm, and attributed it to the closet being super stuffy. Evan was at a loss. Why on earth was Connor approaching him like this? Only two weeks ago he had pushed him down in the cafeteria, in front of everyone, and called him a bitch. Now, as of yesterday, he had seemed almost like another person entirely. A ride home, signing his cast, asking him if he wanted to hang out today? It was almost too much to handle and Evan could feel his anxietygrowing just _thinking_ about hanging out with Connor. But…what really did he have to be afraid of? That he would find out something about him and humiliate him in front of the entire school? That had happened before, more than once. Would he punch him, abuse him? His dad had done worse. Connor couldn’t hurt Evan more than he had already been hurt his entire life by other people. He really had nothing to lose. He just had to ask himself, was there some part of him that simply desired to get to know Connor? Maybe those things wouldn’t happen. Maybe there was more to Connor than met the eye. Just like there was more to Evan that people didn’t see. If he ever wanted people to give him that chance, he would have to start by giving Connor that chance too. 

“Um, okay. I usually get coffee Saturday mornings across the street from my apartment building. You could meet me there?”

“Sounds chill. Be there in 15.”

Why did Evan feel like this was a date? He rolled his eyes. What the hell was he getting himself into?

 

 

Evan reemerged from his bedroom in a pair of clean pants and a nicer button down dress shirt. He hadn’t meant to dress up necessarily, it was slightly instinctual. When Heidi saw him she beamed. “Wow you look nice. What’s the occasion?”

“Moooooom,” Evan groaned. He had taken a shower as well, and his hair was starting to dry, soft curls beginning to lift off his forehead in delicate waves. “Why do you always say that whenever I decide to wear clean clothes?”

“Sorry, it’s just so nice to see my handsome boy all dressed up.” She continued to grin until Evan rolled his eyes and pushed passed her. He grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter and headed towards the door. “Where are you going?” His mom followed him into the kitchen where she stood, fiddling with the refrigerator handle. “Is it a date?”

Evan blushed, not meaning to make anything of his mom’s comment. He already felt awkward enough, he didn’t need her asking him if he was going on a date. He refrained from groaning again and simply replied, “It’s that kid I was texting this morning. We’re getting together to work on our lab books.” He prayed she didn’t question him further. 

“Oh, okay. Well, have fun! And text me if you’re going to be late for dinner. I’m making hamburgers. Oh, maybe you could invite your friend over to join us! There will be plenty of food.” 

“Lab partner,” Evan corrected. 

“Right . . . well, have fun!”

Evan hurried out the door before she could ask him anymore questions about his “friend” or what they were doing. He took the stairs one at a time, particularly slow so as to postpone his meeting with Connor for as long as possible. He immediately started to regret agreeing to meet with him, but at least they were going to be in a public place, where if Connor tried to do anything, there would be people around to help Evan out. But it was rude of him, he knew, to assume Connor would behave in such a way. But history showed that Connor was capable of nearly anything, as long as he was upset enough. 

Evan stepped out onto the sidewalk and starred at the coffee shop across the way. The windows were tinted, and he couldn't see inside, but he assumed Connor was sitting there, maybe even watching him back. Evan looked both ways then darted across the road before skidding to a halt in front of the door, where the bright, illuminated sign read “Sip Coffeehouse”. He pushed the door open with the ring of a bell, alerting his presence to the room. No one looked up except the barista and an unusually well put together Connor who sat at a table near the window. Evan lifted a hand with an awkward wave and then hurriedly put it down, embarrassed.

When he approached the table Connor stood up and brushed invisible dust off his pants. Nervous twitch? No, Connor probably didn’t get nervous about anything. Evan, on the other hand, thought he was going to melt into an abashed pile of sweat. 

“Hey,” the other boy said. 

Evan looked down at his shoes. “Hey.”

“Do you want anything?”

“What?” Evan looked up and around, not sure what Connor meant. 

“Like, a coffee? Tea? I don’t know, what the fuck do you drink?” He didn’t mean for that to sound rude, but it did and Connor shrugged, hurrying to add, “Like, you can have whatever you want, I don’t care.”

Evan grew red remembering what his mom told him once, when he was a few years younger. _“If you go on a date, you need to offer to buy the girl her drink, because that’s how she’ll know it’s a real date and not just friends hanging out. Whoever is doing the asking out should also pay for the food.”_ Evan felt mortified and quickly replied to Connor with, “Oh no! No, it’s fine I can get my own drink, thanks.” And before Connor could protest Evan rushed up to the counter to order. 

“Small french press please, with almond milk creamer.” He handed over $3.50 and mumbled a quick thank you to the barista, who chuckled at his apparent disarray of emotions. He refrained from commenting, though, and Evan prayed a silent blessing upon him. After the coffee was done, Evan grabbed the mini french press and his coffee mug and made his way back over to where Connor was sitting. After he was settled, Evan let out a sigh and finally managed to look up and meet Connor’s eyes.

God, those eyes were . . . He stopped his thoughts. He didn’t let himself wander further down those tracks. 

Connor started their conversation with, “Sorry if this is weird.”

“It’s weird,” Evan confirmed.

“I didn’t mean for it to be weird. 

“Is there something, like, you wanted to say?” Evan fiddled with his mug of coffee, spinning it around and around in his hands. “Cause, if you wanted to like, tell me how much I suck, and to leave you alone at school, you can just say it and I’ll respect that and I’ll totally never bother you again.”

Connor sighed and rolled his eyes. “God, Hansen. Why do you assume I’m here to chew you out?”

“Cause that’s what you’ve done all the other times we’ve ‘talked’.” 

Connor looked out the window, admitting to himself that, yes, this was true. But how could he explain to Evan that he didn’t want it to be true anymore? “You told me I could be good, remember?” 

Evan nodded.

“Well, this is me trying.” Connor took a sip of his very fancy looking drink that had lots of whipped cream and chocolate shavings on the top. 

“What?” Evan wasn’t sure where this was going.

“Ugh, you ask a lot of questions. Are you even listening?”

“Yes! I”m s-sorry, I just don’t get what I have to do with this.” Evan didn’t really want to get involved. He didn’t want to start having feelings for Connor, feelings of what having a real friend would be like, just to have Connor regress and exploit Evan’s trust. He had been hurt enough, he didn’t need Connor to use him and then throw him away. Suddenly, Evan thought of Zoe. Maybe, maybe if he started hanging out with Connor he’d get to see Zoe more, and then maybe… maybe she’d pay more attention to him, too. It wasn’t the honest way to go about things, but it was enough to make him ask, “What are you getting at, Connor?” 

“I’m trying to be good!” Connor ran a hand through his tangled hair and took a deep breath before continuing, “No one has ever bothered to try and see the good in me, before you. And the fact that you even bothered to mention it to me must mean you…” Connor tried but couldn’t choke out the word “care.” Instead he finished his sentence with, “Won’t you at least let me try? And I don’t know who else to ask. You’re the only person who isn’t mean back to me when I’ve been mean to them. If anyone will give me a chance, it’s you, Hansen.”

Evan was, he hated to admit it, touched. No one had ever relied on him for anything before, and he’d always had a weak spot for helping the seemingly helpless creatures of the world. Connor certainly fit into that category. Maybe it was the way Connor tilted his head slightly to the right, or the way he furrowed his eyebrows in pleading, or the way his blue eyes reflected Evan’s own concerned complexion, but whatever the reason, Evan felt his guard drop and let out a small smile. 

“Yeah, I’ll give you a chance.”

Connor looked ecstatic. “God, Hansen, I -“

“BUT!” Evan interrupted, forcibly pressing his finger down on the table in between them. “If you so much as break confidence between us, I will never speak to you again.” 

And somehow Connor knew Evan would do just that. “I promise. Should we shake on it?” 

“No,” Evan leaned back in his chair again. “I’m more of a written contract kind of guy.” Connor paled, and Evan saw his concern. “Hey, I’m kidding.” Evan tried not to laugh. “First, we need to teach you how to tell when someone is joking or not. It’ll help you realize that most of the time, people are being sarcastic, _not_ trying to make you mad.” 

“Sorry,” Connor felt stupid for thinking Evan was serious in the first place. “My family, they’re terrible at joking. We don't make jokes with each other, or laugh really. They’re all very serious.”

“Even Zoe?” Then Evan felt stupid for bringing up Zoe. Did he want to scare Connor away already? 

Connor didn’t even flinch, but said, “She’s the worst. She thinks I’m the dumbest thing that ever walked the earth.” He picked at the skin around his nails and Evan tried not to stare at such a bad habit. They’d have to work on that, too. Then he chided himself for starting to look at Connor as a project, rather than a human being. 

“That’s…sad.” Evan felt Connor look up at him, but he quickly averted his eyes out the window. “Laughing is wonderful. I mean, I don’t do it all that often either, but it feels so good. I read somewhere that laughing for 20 minutes everyday is like running 10 miles, or something. Crazy, huh?”

“Yeah…” Connor tried to get his thoughts away from his family. He decided, right there and then, he didn’t want Evan to ever meet them. They would ruin him, he knew it, and he didn’t want them to take something that was solely his, away from him. Evan would be his secret, forever, and no one could break that. “What about your family? What are they like?” Connor wanted to hear how a normal family acted, not his mess of a household that yelled and cursed and threw things until they were broken, and all members of the fight exhausted.

“My mom is…” Evan didn’t really know where to start. No one had ever asked him what his family was like before. It was the first time he had ever had to describe it to anyone. “She’s a good mom. She likes to cook and she works at a law firm. She’s also going to school at night for classes to become a lawyer. She just works for one right now, but she hopes to own her own firm one day.” 

“That’s cool.” Connor thought of his mom, who stayed at home and didn’t do anything. He resented her for giving up on her dreams when she married his father. 

“She likes the color yellow, dogs, and the ocean. She’s been to the ocean a thousand times and always says she wants to live there someday, in a little cottage on a cliff overlooking the water.”

“That would be cool. Do you like that idea?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been to the coast. Mom always says she’ll take me but her classes and work get in the way. She can’t take the time off.”

“Well, you should just go. You have a car, just take a day and do it.”

“By myself?!” Evan shuddered at the thought. “I couldn’t. I’d definitely get lost, or my car would break down, and I’d have to talk to a stranger to help me, and just my luck he’d be a murderer who would rape me and then kill me, probably gruesomely, and like stab me with a knife twenty times.” 

“You worry a lot, don’t you?” Connor tried his hardest not to laugh at Evan, who had obviously thought about taking a trip by myself before, and had successful talked himself out of it. Adventure did not seem to be his forte. If there was anything Connor could teach Evan, in exchange for his helping Connor, it was how to take risks. “That won’t happen to you. You’re to innocent, I think they’d be blinded by your purity and run away.” Connor winked and Evan felt a blush creep up his cheeks. 

“Yeah, right. You’re full of shit.” 

Connor laughed, “It’s weird to hear you curse.”

“Stop it!” Evan pouted. “I curse all the time. There’s probably a lot I do you’d be shocked at.”

“Oh, yeah? Try me.”

Evan thought hard, then blurted out, “I tried weed once.”

Connor continued to smirk. “Really? And how’d that go for you?”

“It was at this party I went to, sophomore year, and there were these seniors who offered me ‘brownies’.” Evan did air quotes with his fingers. “I come to find out later that they weren’t regular brownies, and I felt really great until the next day, when Jared told me I was ridiculously high and had tried to strip in the kitchen because I wanted to go swimming. Spoiler: there was no pool.” 

Now Connor was full on laughing. He thought about what Evan said, how laughing felt great, and he was right, it really did. “What did you do, after you found out all that had happened?”

“Swore off drugs altogether. Never touched ‘em since.”

Connor didn’t mean to let that hit him like an insult, but it stung. He had always been so dependent on drugs to ease his pain, but maybe that was the difference. Evan hadn’t used it on purpose. Suddenly, he felt pulled to spill that little part of his soul to Evan, and he said, “I’m…slightly addicted to it.”

“To…?” Evan knew what Connor was going to say, but he wanted the boy to say it himself, instead of putting the words in his mouth. 

“Weed. I probably use it more than I should.”

“Probably.” Evan continued to sip on his coffee, and poured himself a second cup when he finished off the first.

“You’re not going to chastise me for doing drugs?” Connor scoffed at the quiet boy who sat across from him.

“Why? I just admitted to you that I’ve done it.”

“Yeah, but you don’t _do_ it. Currently, like, all the time.”

“You do it ‘all the time’?”

“Well, yeah.”

“So? When you’ve taken too much and something happens that gives you a reason to stop, you will. You just have to find something that’s better, or more worth your time, than drugs.”

“And you think I’ll find that someday?” Connor looked unconvinced.

Evan nodded. “Yeah. I know you will.” Evan’s confidence was slightly contagious and Connor relaxed. 

“So you don’t judge me for it?”

“No.” And with that, their conversation on that topic was over. Then Evan had an idea. “I struggle with anxiety attacks.”

Connor looked curious but didn’t say anything. 

“I have to take medication to calm down when they’re really bad, and I hate it. I hate how the drugs make me feel, tired and sick. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this but…” Evan fumbled over his words. “We all have our demons. They just come in different forms for everyone. You’re not alone in your battle to be better.”

If Connor was one to cry, now would be a good moment, but his eyes were dry. He tried not to feel “touched” that Evan shared this with him, but his stone heart was getting softer around the edges as their conversation went on. The boys continued to talk about shallow things after that, trying to lighten their spirits a bit. Evan mentioned his dog, Samson, and how he would always want to play fetch, but never brought the ball back. Connor said he always wished he had a dog, but Zoe was allergic, so they never got one. Then he told Evan how he had a fish once who died in the middle of the first night he brought him home. Evan tried not to laugh as Connor recounted the way his 9 year old self was confused as to why “Lenny” always liked swimming upside down. “My mom freaked when she saw that it was dead, because it had been floating in the water for 2 weeks before they figured it out! I just thought he was doing it on purpose!” They were laughing together now, and Evan felt more content than he had in a long, long time. Connor did too, but he wouldn’t admit it, even to himself. 

At 4:30 the shop began to empty of its customers and Evan looked at his phone where there were three texts from his mom. 

 

_Are you coming home soon, sweetie?_

 

_If you’re not finished, you can always have_

_your friend come over for dinner and_

_finish your project over here._

 

_Just let me know what you decided._

 

 

“Everything cool?” Connor asked. Evan nodded and flipped his phone upside down on the table.

“Yeah, just my mom wondering if I’m gonna be home soon.”

“Do you need to leave?”

“Probably.” Evan stood up and gathered his and Connor’s dishes. He went to bus their table and when he came back, Connor had Evan’s phone in his hands. “Hey!” Evan paled and pulled at his sleeves.

“Your mom invited me over.” Connor was grinning, far to suggestively, and Evan didn’t want to know what was up his sleeve. 

“Yeah, but we’re done with our ‘lab project’, so there’s no reason for you to come over.”

“You tired of hanging out with me for the day?” Connor winked and Evan reddened. 

“It’s not like that!”

“Then what’s the problem. I _want_ to come over. I want to meet your mom!” 

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Evan didn’t know how to say that Connor wasn’t exactly someone his mom would necessarily like. 

“I swear to god I’ll be on my best behavior. You have to teach me how to act around other people! I’ll just mimic you, and I won’t say anything unless she asks me a question. And if she asks me anything that I know you wouldn’t like the answer to, I’ll bend the truth a little.” Connor was pleading to Evan with his icy blue eyes. Evan tried not to bend his will, but Connor seemed so sincere…

“Ugh, no.” Evan put his foot down. “I barely know you! I have no idea what you’re going to do or say and that makes me really nervous. I’m gonna have an anxiety attack just _thinking_ about you talking with my mom."

“Evan.”

“What?”

“Don’t make me take matters into my own hands.”

“What the hell are you even talking about?”

Connor waved Evan’s phone in front of his face and then began replying to the texts on the home screen.

“Oh my god, Connor no!” Evan tripped over the chairs as he lunged across the table, trying to grab his phone back. It was easy for Connor to hold the phone above Evan’s reach and continue texting, until he finally handed it back to Evan. 

“There, now she’s expecting us.”

“Oh my god, you dick!” Evan opened his phone and saw Connor’s text which read, _“We’re done here. Connor would love to come over for dinner so we’ll be home in 10min.”_ Thenthere appeared the three dots signaling his mom was typing a reply. Soon enough, the text came through, and he could almost hear her voice in his head. 

 

_That’s wonderful! I will put out an extra setting._

_I can’t wait to meet Connor._

 

Evan groaned. “You’ll be the death of me, Connor Murphy.”

Connor grinned. “No, I’ll be your salvation, Evan Hansen,” and that was the first time Connor had ever said Evan’s first name. The sound rang in Evan’s ears and made his heart skip a beat. It sounded so natural rolling off Connor’s tongue. 

Evan already wished he would say it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you feel so inclined. I'd love to hear where you all would like to see this story head!


	5. Dinner with the Hansens

Evan stood frozen in front of his apartment door. Next to him, Connor looked all too pleased that they were in this situation. After a few seconds, Connor grabbed the doorknob himself and pushed it open. Evan started to mutter in protest, but Connor was already halfway inside and he rushed to follow.

As if on cue, Heidi appeared in the kitchen to greet her son and his companion. 

“Evan!” She said his name but was looking at Connor while she did so. “You must be Connor,” she reached out her hand to him and he took it, amiably. 

“Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Hansen.” Connor winked at Evan and Heidi, giggling, said, “Please, there’s no need for that much formality. Heidi will do just fine.” 

Evan deadpanned. This was going to be a miserable night for him, he was positive. 

“Well,” Heidi continued, “Dinner is ready, so let’s go sit down. Connor, do you have any allergies?”

“None whatsoever, Heidi.” 

“Perfect, well it’s just burgers and salad. Hope that’s okay.”

“Sounds great.”

They sat down, each person on one side of the table. If there were a head, Heidi was at that end, and Connor and Evan sat across from each other on either side. They began to plate their food and Evan put ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onion on his burger, in that order. 

“No cheese?” Connor asked, while putting two slices of said cheese on his own burger. 

“Evan is lactose intolerant,” Heidi said. “Got sick on ice cream, and whoops!” She laughed. 

Connor smiled, “Rough. I live for dairy.”

Evan smiled, but it was a fake grin. He was already sweating (really, though, had he even stopped sweating since this morning? No.) 

“Alright, let’s say prayer.” Heidi grabbed Evan’s hand. “You don’t mind, do you Connor?”

“N-no.” Connor’s family was not religious in any way, and this was his first time in contact with a family that was. Heidi grabbed his hand and he flinched, but not as much as when Evan reached out his. Connor took it in his own and he tried to ignore the electric sensation that shot through his fingertips. Did Evan blush? He didn’t look at him long enough to tell because Evan closed his eyes and Heidi began to say a quick thanks for the food and a blessing upon Connor as Evan’s new friend.

Evan tried not to cringe when his mom said that. How many times did he have to tell her today that Conner and him were just “lab partners” not friends!

She said “Amen” and they all began to eat. Heidi didn’t take a bite though as she was full of questions for Connor. And thus, the interrogation began. 

“So, Connor, you go to the same school as Evan, yes? He said you two were working on a project for science?”

“Yeah, we chose astronomy as our specific field of study. It’s pretty cool.”

Evan looked up at Connor. What a pro, he thought. Lying was definitely something Connor was all too familiar with and this made Evan extremely nervous. 

“That’s great. I hope you boys didn’t have to work the whole time. Did you get to chat at all? Get to know one another?”

_Oh my god, Mom_ , Evan thought. He wanted to melt into his seat, and he did slouch in his chair a little, hoping to disappear into the wood. 

“Yeah, we chatted a bit, right Evan?” Connor directed his question at the slowly fading boy across from him. At his name, Evan sat up straight and said, “Oh, yeah, uh huh.” 

“Do you have any siblings, Connor?” Evan’s mom asked.

“Yeah, a sister.” Connor didn’t elaborate, but Heidi was not deterred.

“Younger or older?”

“Two years younger. She goes to school with us. Her name is Zoe.”

“Zoe. That’s a lovely name. Evan, didn’t you mention a Zoe to me once?”

Evan blushed, immediately beginning to stumble over his won words. “Zoe? Did I mention a Zoe? I don’t know any Zoe’s. I mean, Connor just told me about his sister the other day and I didn’t even know she went to our school until he told me, b-but that was the first time I ever heard of a Zoe. I never mentioned a Zoe.” He laughed awkwardly and rubbed his heck. “S-sorry, I’m just kidding. I mean, not about knowing Zoe, about . . . being weird about it.” They were both staring at him, and Evan tried not to cry, he was so stressed out. 

Connor wondered why Evan always got so worked up whenever his sister was mentioned. Sounds like he did have a crush on her, after all. _Well shit_ , he thought to himself. His sister was the last person he wanted to get their hands on Evan. But if there was anyone who deserved Evan’s attention more than him, it was definitely his sister. She always managed to get whatever she wanted. He’d fight her for Evan if he had to. He wouldn’t let her take his one and only friend. Well, they weren’t friends yet, but they would be, if everything went according to plan.

“Well, if she’s anything like you,” Heidi directed her statement at Connor, “she’s probably wonderful.”

Connor made a mental note to himself that this was probably one of the nicest things an adult had ever said to him. He let a small grin take over his lips. 

“And what do your parents do?” Heidi asked further.

Evan waited for Connor to blow up about how they were fucking morons or something, but Connor just shrugged through a full mouth of food, saying, “My dad’s a loan officer for a bank, and my mom stays at home.”

“Oh wow! That’s so nice that she gets to be home with you and your sister. Do you get to hang out a lot? I wish I could be home with Evan more.” Heidi reached over and grabbed her sons hand and smiled nostalgically. 

“Yeah, well…” Connor was obviously searching for the right thing to say, because Evan could see he was struggling to hold back the anger that always came with discussing his parents. Evan was surprised though how well he was managing to talk with his mom, regardless of the fact that she was a stranger. Evan didn’t know why he assumed it would be hard for Connor, after all, it was Evan who had the social anxiety, not Connor. Connor just had anger management issues. That didn’t mean he wasn’t good at talking to people. 

“She’s busy with community stuff, I guess? We don’t see her a lot. Zoe and I have a lot of school activities and stuff.”

“Oh, well that’s understandable.” 

And with that, the trio finished their meals in relative silence. When Connor had cleared his plate, Heidi offered him another burger, which he took, along with two more servings of salad. Evan stared at him as he ate, and met Connor’s eyes at one point, who gave him a questioning look. Evan mumbled a quick reply about the food being good, and then concentrated on his plate without looking up again. How did Connor fit all that food inside him, Evan wondered. He was a bean pole! If Evan ate like that, he'd easily gain 10 pounds in a day. He couldn’t imagine that Connor didn’t have plenty of food at home, so why did he eat like he’d been starved the last two weeks? 

“Well, I guess I’ll clean up here,” Heidi began to clear the dishes. “You boys can go off and do whatever it is you’re going to do; video games, homework -“

Connor quickly interrupted her with a random statement of, “Evan told me you love the ocean, Heidi.”

Evan paled. Where the hell was Connor going with this?

“Yes!” Heidi lit up, eyes glowing with excitement. “I’ve been meaning to take Evan for forever, but it never seems to pan out.” She looked sorry that this was the case, and Evan felt tender towards her in that moment. It wasn’t his mom’s fault that they had never gone. She was just trying to provide for her son, like a responsible single parent. 

“That’s what he said,” Connor continued. “Which is why we decided to go tomorrow, if that’s okay with you.”

Heidi and Evan turned to Connor at the same time. One’s face was filled with delight, while the other was filled with disbelief.

“That’s wonderful! Oh Evan, I’m so glad you wanted to go! You’ll love it. Who’s driving? Connor, do you have a license? I won’t have my boy doing anything illegal or irresponsible. I know how teen boys can be.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Where are you going?”

“Cape Blanco, only 45 minutes drive from here.”

“It’s lovely there.” 

Evan had yet to comment on any of this, as his mouth was still hanging agape as he starred at Connor. Connor was looking back at him a smirk placed triumphantly on his face. 

“You two will have a fantastic time! I’ll pack you some snacks for the drive, how about that?” Heidi clapped her hands together. 

“Yeah, thanks, Mom.” Evan butted in finally, trying not to look too cross, but he had a habit of wearing his heart on his sleeve, so it was slightly obvious. “Connor and I are going to go play video games in my room okay? Thanks for dinner! Bye.” And with that Evan grabbed Connor by the sleeve and dragged him out of the room.

“Thanks for dinner, Heidi!” Connor called as the two boys disappeared around the corner, Heidi smiling after them. She couldn’t begin to express how happy she was to see Evan finally hanging out with someone other than Jared. Not that Jared wasn’t a nice boy, but Evan needed more social interaction. He wasn’t comfortable in his own skin, because those around him were uncomfortable with him, too. The fact that Connor was so easy going, and never even flinched when Evan would say or do something that sprung from his anxiety, was a good sign. He needed to pull that confidence out of Evan; the confidence that Heidi knew was there, just hiding beneath the surface of the water. Because she knew Evan better than anyone else in the world (wasn’t that a mom’s main purpose? To know her child inside and out?) she could tell he liked Connor. He was shy, and undoubtedly nervous about opening up to someone new, but she could see how Evan shined under the positive attention of another boy. She hoped Connor would remain a good influence on her son, but only time would tell. As of right now, it seemed to be a perfect match.

 

 

 

“Oh my god, Connor!” Evan whisper-yelled the outburst, while shutting the door to his room behind them. Connor wasn’t paying attention to Evan as he ranted on and on, but was slowly walking around the room. He took everything in, touching certain objects - almost dropping one of Evan’s collectable super hero figurines, and ashamedly resetting it on the shelf - until he finally came to rest on Evan’s bed, which he casually flung himself over, a lazy leg hanging off the edge. 

“What the hell are you thinking?” Evan continued. “We are not going to the coast tomorrow! I’m not going to the coast at all, but especially not with you. I can’t believe you just said that, we didn’t even talk about that. My mom thinks you’re the greatest thing in the world - I have no clue why! - so she’s just all for it, but if I told her how you really were, she’d never let me go. By the way, how were you so calm at dinner? I’ve never seen you calm before, like at all, and that was so creepy watching you. Are you a psychopath? I don’t trust you, I can’t believe I let you come over, and I already regret it, so there’s no way in hell I’m going on a frickin’ road trip with you! I-“

“Evan.”

Connor saying his name made Evan stop talking immediately. It gave him the same rush it had earlier, the first time Connor had spoken it that day. “Yes?”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

The boys sat there, eyes locked on one another, until Connor cleared his throat and glanced away, up at the ceiling, anywhere but Evan’s eyes. Evan felt his heart beat a little faster than normal. 

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Connor said. “But, just know that if you say you don’t want to, I’ll know you’re lying.”

Evan didn’t say anything, but it was the truth. He wanted so badly to go, but he still didn’t trust Connor. Why on earth would he want to take him? Evan was a lonely, boring, anxious person, and he knew it. Jared could barely stand to be around Evan for more than a few hours, how could Connor stand to be with him for an entire day? HE figured the best thing to do was just to ask as much.

“Why do you want to take me?” Evan asked

“What?” Connor looked perplexed.

“To the coast. Why would you even bother to take time from your day to go on a road trip with me? I’m not…fun.”

Connor thought a moment before answering. How could he explain that when Evan mentioned how much his mom loved the coast, that he had seen in his eyes that great desire to experience the one thing that was a such a special part of his mother’s heart? He could also admit that if he didn’t spend time with Evan, he’d just go home, smoke weed, maybe play some video games, and then try and sleep the day away. Or, he could simply say…

“Because I want to,” and he added with a wink, “And I’m in the habit of getting what I want.” 

Evan was dumbfounded. He stood nervously, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt which was getting wrinkled from the day. “I’ve never been on a road trip before,” he admitted. 

“Hansen, this is hardly a road trip,” Connor rolled his eyes and sat back up from the bed. “It’s only 45 minutes away. And we’re not even staying over night because we have school the next day.”

Evan thought about it. He guessed it wasn’t that far, and if he was having a rough time with Connor, he could always force him to drive them home. “Promise if I start having an anxiety attack, you’ll drive us home immediately?”

“I swear,” and Connor dramatically put his hand over his heart. 

“I’m not kidding, Connor! I mean it. I still don't’ trust you.” 

“I’m hurt. 24 hours isn’t enough to convince you I’m really an angel in human form?”

Evan deadpanned, “It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet.”

“I’ll have you on my side yet, Hansen.” Connor stood up and crossed his arms. “Nice room.” He walked over to the bookshelf where he reached for an old edition of Les Miserables that nearly crumbled at the touch of his finger tips.

ThenEvan realized. Connor was in his room. _Connor_ was in his _room_. No one but Jared and his mom had ever crossed that threshold. Connor was the first in…forever. Evan gasped a little and ran to where Connor stood, taking the book out of his hands, and gingerly placing it back on the shelf. “That’s over 100 years old, thank you. And um, I’m really tired, I think you should leave, maybe, okay?” And he carefully began to, literally, push Connor out of the room. 

“What the hell, Hansen?”

“I’m just really tired and I need to get ready for tomorrow, and I need time to think.”

“About…?”

“You,” Evan blushed and quickly inserted, “I mean, like as in the trip, and you, and this, and us,” he put a hand to his forehead when he realized what he had just said. “Not ‘us’ us as in ‘ _us_ ’,” he motioned quickly with his hands between the two of them, “but like the situation.”

Connor smirked. “And what is the situation, exactly?”

Evan stopped. “Me trying to make you ‘good’, remember?”

Connor refrained from showing his disappointment. “Oh, yeah. That. Right.”

“Okay so please leave and I’ll see you tomorrow. When will you be here?”

“10 okay?”

“Yeah, cool, okay, bye.” And with that Evan pushed him out the front door and shut the door in his face. He could hear Connor on the other side shout, “Love you too, Hansen!” 

Evan felt his knees go weak. He knew Connor was joking, but the words dizzied him. He quickly rushed down the hall, where he was stopped by Heidi peeking her head out of her bedroom. “Hey sweetie, you have a good day?”

Evan halted in his tracks and looked at his mom. “Yeah.”

“I really like Connor. He seems like a very nice boy.”

“Yeah, well he’s just my lab partner. It’s not like we’re going to be hanging out all the time, so…” Evan fiddled with his shirt hem, again.

“Evan, you keep saying that but I think Connor definitely considers you his friend.”

Evan looked up. “Did he say that?”

“No, but a mama can tell. And ‘lab partners’ don't go on trips to the coast together.” She winked at him.

“ _Moooom_ , oh my god! Stop. We’re not- we don’t-“ Evan quickly became flustered.

“I’m teasing, sweetie. I know you’re not used to having friends, but I promise you if this boy is mean to you I’ll beat him up myself.” She enveloped her quivering son and held him close. “I’m so proud of you, Evan.” She kissed the top of his head, and evan began to calm down. 

“Thanks,” and he pulled away. “I’m going to go to bed now. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Evan walked to his room and quietly shut the door, then proceeded to undress for bed. Once he was settled under his covers, he took out his phone, the bright light illuminating his face as he began to type out a text to Connor.

 

_hey I didn’t mean to push you out like that._

_I get really tired from a lot of stressful social_

_interaction and I just wanted to be alone._

_I had a good day, really, I just don’t let it_

_show most of the time. especially when_

_I’m nervous._

 

He hit send and in less than a minute, Connor responded.

_No worries, Hansen. You have_

_tomorrow to redeem yourself. ;)_

 

Evan smiled and sat the phone down, and as he closed his eyes he already began to dream of the ocean waves ringing in his ears, Connor standing by his side, their feet in the water.

 


	6. "The Ocean is Full of my Tears"

The day arrived far too quickly. Evan had fallen asleep soon after Connor left the night before. The day’s events had so exhausted him that the moment he set down his phone, he was out like a light. The next morning came with no alarm, just the bright, crisp September sun peeking through his window blinds. He lay there for a moment, watching the light illuminate the dancing specks of dust in the air. It was so quiet, and at 9 am, not a soul had yet stirred on that Sunday morning. Evan could hear the bells from the church down the block and yet, even then, it all seemed so peaceful. His mother was still asleep in her bed down the hall, and Samson was probably snuggled up at her feet like he normally was. Evan felt slightly lonely in that moment, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable loneliness. It was a purposeful one, like everyone should feel this way at least once, on a Sunday morning, at some point during their lives. 

Evan felt a bit headachy as he stood up. He already began to feel nauseous about the fact that Connor would be over in only 47 minutes; that is, assuming he still showed up and didn’t bail on him like Jared would, or his mom even. But something told Evan that Connor wasn’t like the others. He would be here - maybe a few minutes early - and he and Evan would drive to the coast to do…

What exactly were they going to do? Evan hadn’t thought that far in advance yet. What was there to do besides watch the water? God, he felt like some toddler just learning to walk. This coast trip was turning into a bigger deal by the second. New place, new experience, new friend.

Well…not quite a new friend. Beyond his lie - in real life - Evan didn’t know how to define his and Connor’s “relationship”. Their little “arrangement” of Evan teaching Connor how to be a good person didn’t seem to come with any clear boundaries of who could do or say what. It was only decided that if Connor did anything Evan disapproved of, Evan had the right to end their communication immediately. 

So, what did that make them? Partners in crime? Close acquaintances? Teacher and student? Evan cringed. Why did these all sound like awful porno search subjects? He decided, as uncomfortable as it would be, he’d just have to bring it up with Connor and settle it once and for all, so if anyone at school were to question them, they’d have a decent answer. 

That was another thing; what would happen when they went back to school tomorrow? Would Connor go back to being a bully, acting like he didn’t give one shit about Evan? Or did this whole “being good” thing extend to the realm of school? What about around his family? Maybe Connor was only doing this for himself, and had no intention of actually opening up to other people. Was Evan the only exception, and if so, why him of all people? Evan didn’t think he was anything special, so how could Connor possibly be doing this all just for _him_? Short answer: he wasn’t. And so, Evan would have to figure out what all of this meant on his own. Maybe today would bring some enlightenment. He finally got out of bed at 9:25 and jumped in the shower to get ready before Connor showed up. 

After he was out of the bathroom, dressed in some worn out jeans and a faded blue t-shirt, he went to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat before he left. There on the counter by the door he found a red lunch bag that had a sticky note on top; no doubt these were the snacks that his mom said she would pack for them before they left. The note read:

 

_Evan!_

 

_I am so excited for your adventure today. I hope you and Connor have a good time. Please call me if you need anything, or anything happens. I know we both don’t know Connor that well, but I have a good feeling about him. I’m sure you kiddos will have fun, here are some snacks for the road, like I promised. (The cheese sticks are obviously for Connor.)_

 

_Love you,_

_Your Mama_

 

Evan smiled, despite his mom’s regularly annoying enthusiasm. He opened the lunch bag and found some fruit, granola bars, soy yogurt, and cheese sticks, stuffed among various ice packs. After grabbing a piece of toast, Evan felt his phone buzz and he pulled it out of his pocket with a slightly trembling hand. 

 

_I’m here. Don’t make me honk, cause I will._

 

Evan allowed himself a smile, and then grabbed the lunch bag. He was about to leave the apartment when he started to think of all the things he might need to bring with him that he hadn’t bothered to pack in his bag. _What if it’s really sunny? I should bring sunscreen._ So he ran back to the bathroom and grabbed a little bottle of sunscreen. Then he thought about bringing a towel, in case he got wet in the water. He also thought maybe he should bring some extra cash in case he wanted to buy a souvenir to remember the day by. That made him run back to his bedroom and dump out the contents of his piggy bank (yes, it was actually a pig shaped bank, thank you very much) on his bed. He grabbed a twenty dollar bill and stuffed it in his pocket. He also grabbed a notebook and pen, in case he saw any cool trees he wanted to sketch. By this time his bag was considerably full and _still_ Evan managed to stuff a comic book, his phone charger, and two plastic water bottles into it. 

Suddenly, his packing was interrupted by a very loud, continuous horn. Evan nearly jumped out of his skin and cursed under his breath. _Dammit, Connor._ Who did he think he was; Ryan Gosling in La La Land?! Evan flung the bag over his shoulder and, grabbing the cooler, rushed out the door.

 

Connor finally stopped honking when he saw Evan come out the front door of his apartment building. He wasn’t in the car, but was standing on the other side of it, one hand on the horn through the window, the other holding up a drink carrier with two cups of coffee. Evan looked super embarrassed to be late and this only made Connor smirk more. Evan hurried to open thebackseat door and yelled at Connor, “What the hell? It’s a Sunday morning, you probably woke everyone up!”

“It’s 10am, Evan. Only stupid teenagers like us sleep in later than this on the weekends.” 

Evan threw down his two bags in the backseat. He saw Connor staring at him out of the corner of his eye, and Evan defensively asked, “What?”

“I don’t think you brought enough stuff,” Connor noted sarcastically. 

Evan rolled his eyes and explained, “I didn’t know what to prepare for so I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget anything important! And my mom packed us snacks.”

“Your mom is way cooler than mine, that’s for sure. My parents didn’t even ask where I was going when I left this morning. Zoe stopped me though. She told me not to come back drunk or high, otherwise she’d kick my ass.”

Evan blushed. He didn’t know whether to believe Zoe was that mean, or even tough enough to _try_ and kick her brother’s ass. The Zoe he imagined in his head was more soft and sweet than all that. “And what did you say back?”

“I told her to fuck off.”

“Sounds about right.”

Connor glared.

“Sorry!” Evan apologized, looking away from Connor, pulling himself into the passenger seat. Connor climbed in next to him and handed Evan one of the cups. “Black, almond milk cream, right?”

Evan had to look away as he took the cup, startled that Connor remembered what he had ordered yesterday. It was a touching gesture that Evan wasn’t sure how to reply to. “Y-yeah. Thanks.”

Connor put his cup in the holder between them and started up the car. It revved, loud amidst the silent morning air, and after Connor had plugged in his phone and found a good playlist, the two boys took off down the road. Evan read the directions from Google maps off his phone, directing Connor to the highway that would lead them directly to Cape Blanco. 

Evan put his phone away after the GPS told them they would be on this stretch for the next 35 minutes. When he did so, the silence began to envelope him. Evan began to feel very warm, regardless of the air conditioning that blew on his face and neck. He began to sweat, his breath getting shallower and shallower, his mouth becoming dry. He reached behind him and grabbed one of the water bottles and drank it all in one go. Connor noticed this and calmly asked Evan if everything was alright.

“I’m s-sorry it’s just I get anxious when it’s really quiet. Well, not always but just when someone else is present. Like, talking makes me nervous, but also _not_ talking makes me more nervous, so I’m just getting a little worked up, s-sorry if this is weird, I feel weird, are we weird? I mean, you’re not weird, you’re fine. It’s me. I mean, you’re kinda scary but not in a bad way just in a ‘don’t fuck with me’ way.” Evan took a breath and stopped.

“I’m going to decide to take that as a compliment, even though I would prefer to kick the shit out of you.” Connor flipped his hair out of his eyes and reached in his pocket for a cigarette. “You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?”

Evan blinked. “N-no. I don’t think so? I’ve never been around anyone who smokes before.”

“Well, get used to it.”

“O-okay.”

A moment, then, “You want one?”

“Me? No! No thank you.”

A shrug. More silence. Then, “I’m s-sorry! This is really awkward, can we please talk about something, anything! I promise I won’t comment on anything you say, only if it’s positive.” Evan rubbed his hands together, flipping his phone around and around in his palms. 

“Umm…okay,” Connor thought for a moment, the wind blowing his hair around, making it even more messy than normal. Evan found it terribly distracting, so he decided he wouldn’t look at Connor while he talked, but just stare straight ahead down the road instead. “You want to tell me about your childhood?”

“Um, no can we not talk about the past? I don’t really like thinking about it.”

“Ugh, fine. Then what do you want to talk about, the future?”

“S-sure, like the things we’ll do when we get out of school.”

“Yeah, like what? What do you want to do after high school?”

“Um, I don’t know,” Evan shrugged. “I think I’ll take a year off and do something big, like hike the Appalachian Trail, or write a book? Or Learn to sail? That would be cool.”

Connor made a face that looked as if all those things were at the bottom of his list. 

“What about you?” Evan asked him.

Connor didn’t even hesitate before answering, “What does it matter? I’m not going to get into college at all, so after high school begins the rest of forever for me.”

“But surely there’s something you want to _do_ with your life right?” Evan couldn’t accept this as Connor’s real answer. “I mean, everyone wants to grow up to be something, Connor, I know I-“

“Can you shut the fuck up?” Connor yelled, interrupting. “I’m not going to do anything, okay? That’s my answer. That’s my future.” And with one deathly glare, Connor silenced Evan in his seat. _So much for being nice_ , Evan thought to himself. Having conversations with Connor was going to be harder than he had anticipated, considering Connor never wanted to talk about himself. Evan was a mess of emotions, he could easily spill is thought when pressured, but Connor just walled up. 

“What are we going to do when we get to the coast?” Evan finally asked, after it was apparent that Connor had calmed down a bit. Connor squished his cigarette out and tossed it through the open window. Evan worried about the forest catching fire, as they were driving along a wooded highway. He tried to reassure himself that the trees would be fine, they would be fine, just stop thinking about that cigarette and if it was fully doused or not. He breathed. 

“I still can’t believe you’ve never been to the fucking ocean,” Connor leered. “We live so close to the coast and you’ve never been, oh my god! Well, obviously we’re going to go sit on the beach so you can stare at the water for however long is necessary for you to get your fill of it. That’s what most people do; that or they take a walk down the beach. It’s probably not going to be warm enough to swim, so you can get that out of your head right now.” Evan stuttered, something about his swimsuit in his bag and how stupid it was to think he’d get to swim. “You could probably put your feet in, though,” Connor continued. “But if you splash me, I swear to god I’ll murder you, right there, and your body can wash away at sea and no one will ever get to mourn you properly.”

Evan nodded furiously. “Promise.”

“We’ll want to get lunch, probably, so we could do clam chowder at Captain Salt’s. It’s pretty damn good.”

“Well, you can have chowder. I’ll pass.”

“Evan, you can’t go to the coast and not get fresh clam chowder. It’s like, a _thing_.” 

“Connor, you do realize clam chowder is about 90% milk, right?”

Connor looked mortified he had forgotten. “Shit, Hansen. Well what the hell are you going to eat?”

Evan excitedly replied, “Lobster?!”

“Hansen, I’m not going to buy you lobster, what the fuck, dude. It’s like 30 bucks.”

“Really? Why?”

Connor thought, as he didn’t really know _why_ it was expensive, but he took a guess and said, “It’s hard to catch?” Evan looked so disappointed that he wasn’t going to get to eat any lobster, that Connor, for some reason, felt responsible for his unhappiness. “Dude, look, I’ll buy you crab or shrimp or shit, okay? It’s practically the same thing.”

Did Evan sniffle slightly? Connor didn’t know, but when the boy finally looked up from his lap, he said with a small, sheepish smile, “Sounds good.”

“With like, a shit ton of butter to dip it in too!”

“No, no butter.”

“Fuck, shit, right. Sorry.” Connor was so frustrated he kept forgetting Evan didn’t eat dairy. “How the hell do you survive without butter?! I can’t eat anything without butter. Oh my god,” Connor turned to Evan with a newfound horror in his eyes. “How do you eat TOAST?”

Evan blinked. “Without…butter?”

Connor feigned terror and pretended to start chocking. Evan let himself giggle. “It’s not so bad, there’s a bunch of alternatives made with soy, and almond, and hemp.”

“Hemp?” Connor wiggled his eyebrows. “I’m in.”

“Not the same thing,” Evan deadpanned. 

“Never mind, I’m out.”

They laughed, and their voices sounded so natural together, it was as if they were always meant to make harmonies with each other.

 

 

 

When they broke out of the forest, Evan let out a small squeal as the highway began to pass a glorious expanse of water. “I almost can’t tell them apart!” Evan said, referring to the water and the sky. “It’s so big! It goes on for forever!”

Connor grinned. “That’s kind of the point.” 

They turned off the highway and slowly, bits of civilization began to appear. Small cottages started to dot the grassy cliffs, and soon they were driving through the center of town. It was filled with small shops, cute restaurants, and a few milling pedestrians. “It’s so small! How many people live here?”

“About 3,000,” Connor said. 

“Oh my god, that’s so small! How many people live in our town?”

“75,000 ish.”

“Oh my god!” Evan said again. Connor tried not to let himself admit that Evan’s enthusiasm was terribly endearing, and the way he was smiling…Connor shoved the thought from his mind. He took them down a winding road that wrapped behind the center of town and opened into a clearing overlooking the ocean, the beach below them. Evan could barely get his seat belt off before flinging himself out of the car and running over to the edge of the cliff. 

“Oh my god.”

Connor sat in the car for a moment, watching Evan as he stood mesmerized by the sight of the water for the first time in his life. Connor wondered when was the last time he had felt so excited about something. It had been years since he had let himself be so genuinely happy, almost as if he had forgotten how to do so. Looking at how easy it was for Evan to be excited made Connor unusually melancholic. He wanted to feel that way again, but it was as if someone had put chains around his heart, and whenever he tried to laugh, they tightened, and the pain stopped him from continuing the pleasure. He watched Evan turn around to face the car and, though muffled from the sound of the wind and the engine, he heard him shout, “It’s so cold out here!” 

Connor laughed. He laughed and fought against the chains. He let them dig into his skin, leaving marks. He would let himself enjoy this day, even if tomorrow, it all turned upside down again. He turned of the car and stepped out into the wind that nearly knocked him off his feet. Evan came rushing over and grabbed his jacket out of the back seat, trying to put it on but his fingers, too cold, fumbled with the zipper. 

“Here,” Connor reached forward, taking the zipper from Evan’s hands, their fingers brushing ever so slightly from the transfer of fabric. Evan looked up, stuttering unintelligibly, as Connor zipped the jacket for him, popping the hood inside out. Connor’s hands lingered just a little too long on Evan’s shoulders before he hurriedly pulled them away and stuffed them in his pockets. Evan’s hands weren’t cold anymore. 

“It’s so windy,” Evan said. “I didn’t think it would be so cold.”

“Good thing I brought this, then,” Connor reached in the backseat and pulled out his supplies, which included a bright, green, orange, and blue kite. 

“Oohhh!” Evan clasped his hands together excitedly. “A kite? I’ve never flown a kite before!”

“Oh my god,” Connor said for the hundredth time that day. “What kind of childhood did you even have?”

“A sad one?” Evan smirked.

“No shit.”

The boys climbed down the cliff on a rocky path that lead to the beach. Evan stumbled more than a few times, and Connor would never admit in a million years that he enjoyed when Evan would stumbled, as it caused the smaller boy to grab onto Connor’s sleeve for balance, and the touch sent shivers down Connor’s body, every time. When their feet finally hit the sand, Evan didn’t even wait a second before taking off his shoes and socks, letting his toes sink into the soft dirt. “I think this is one of the best feelings I’ve ever had,” Evan decided.

“It’s definitely up there,” Connor agreed, removing his boots as well. 

When they made it close to the water, Connor removed the kite from its bag and slowly started to unravel the string. “Now,” Connor handed the handle to Evan. “When I tell you, start running as fast as you can against the wind, to help the kite take off.” Evan nodded aggressively and shifted his weight back and forth on his toes as he anticipated Connor’s next move. After he unraveled the string some more, holding the kite in his hands, he gave Evan the okay to take off. Evan was so eager he nearly tripped on the slippery sand and almost went face first to the ground. After he regained his footing, he went a bit slower and soon was several feet down the shore. He saw Connor throw the kite into the air and it took off in a gust of wind. Evan shouted at the remarkableness of its height in the air and stood, watching it glide about here and there above his head. Connor made his way over to Evan and stood, watching it with him. After a moment, the wind died a bit and the kite took a dive for the ground. Evan gasped in dismay, but whatever words he was going to share were cut short when he felt Connor’s hands on top of his, guiding the kite back up in the air. 

They stood there like that for longer than was probably necessary, but neither boy said anything, or made a move to let go of the other. The wind began to die down and eventually was no longer suitable for the kite to fly well anymore. Only then did they pull away from each other.

“Now what?” Connor asked. But when he finished tying up the kite and turned to look at Evan, the other was already racing down the beach towards the water. Connor chuckled to himself. He’d never seen Evan have so much energy before. At school, he was like an apparition you could scare away at any moment. Here, he was completely alive. It was a sight to see.

Evan got to the water and stopped short of the tide. He waited and watched as it pulled out and then pushed back in, until finally they met and it covered his feet. It was freezing, but also was everything he had always imagined it would be. He simply stood there as it lapped at his feet, the white foam reaching for his jeans and soaking them up to the knee. He got so lost in thought that he didn’t even notice when Connor was once again standing at his side. “It’s so beautiful,” Evan exhaled.

“Eh, it’s just a big puddle of water.” Evan turned to look at Connor and found there was a smirk on his face, and he knew he knew found it beautiful too. He turned back to the horizon, watching as seagulls swooped and soared in the open air, silently praying that none of them let loose on his head. It was so peaceful, and there was no one else on the beach but them. It was as if, for that moment, there were no other people alive on the planet, just him and Connor. And Evan thought, if that were true, he couldn’t say he would mind. 

Then, suddenly he was very cold and very wet. When he wiped the water out of his eyes he saw a very guilty and gleeful Connor staring back at him. 

“Connor Murphy! You told _me_ not to splash _you_!” 

“Yeah, so? You didn’t ask me not to do the same to you.”

“Oh my god!” And with that Evan splashed him back, dousing Connor’s perfectly wavy hair. This was followed by a very aggressive and vigorous water fight between the two teenage boys. Both ended up completely submerged in the water, and extremely shivering upon the finish. At its end, Connor pushed Evan so hard that both of them fell over onto the wet sand below. Connor braced himself and fell not quite on top of Evan, but just above him, both hands on either side of Evan’s shoulders. Their eyes met and…did Evan catch a blush pass across Connor’s cheeks? He didn’t have enough time to study closely, as Connor hurriedly stood up and began brushing the sand off his clothes, to no avail. 

“You’re a fighter, Hansen. I’ll give you that.” 

Evan shrugged. “Heh…not really. I’m just feeling…refreshed today. Come school tomorrow, I’ll be back to my boring, lonely self, haha.” He tried to laugh but the joke was in vain. Connor didn’t find it amusing. 

“Well, lets go get something to eat…we should probably change first though. Did you bring any extra clothes?”

_Shit_! Evan had remembered a towel but no extra clothes! He had brought his swim trunks but that was all. “I brought my swim shorts?”

Connor didn’t seem all too perturbed, but he did roll his eyes. “Why am I not surprised?” They climbed the path back up the cliff to where Connor’s car was parked. He shuffled through his bag until he pulled out a black t-shirt, identical to the one he was currently wearing. He threw it at Evan, who caught it awkwardly. “Put that on with your shorts. You’ll be cold but there’s no way my pants would fit you. Way too long.” He then grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head, revealing his bare chest which was a soft white and spotted with brown freckles here and there. Evan found himself staring, unable to pull his eyes away. Connor began to put on a grey long sleeve shirt he had in his hands when he caught Evan watching him. “What?” he asked, innocently. Evan, mortified, quickly looked away.

“Oh god, sorry! I didn’t mean to stare! I was totally zoning out, I swear. I do that sometimes, you just happened to be standing there when it happened. That was weird, sorry. I’m so sorry.” Evan fumbled at the hem of his wet shirt, too embarrassed to take it off, worried that Connor would stare at him next, and be disappointed in the state of Evan’s figure. Not that he needed Connor’s approval! It’s just…when Connor looked so _good_ , Evan thought he couldn’t possibly “measure up.” But he took a deep breath and pulled his shirt off next.

Oh, if only he had been looking at Connor; if only he knew what he was thinking in that moment. 

Something along the lines of “ _fuck me up_ ”, or close to it. 

When it came to their pants, the two boys stepped on either side of the vehicle and glanced away, Evan dramatically bending over so that not even his head was peeking over the hood of the car. When they were fully changed, Connor looked practically the same whereasEvan looked ridiculous in his multicolored swim trunks and Connor’s far too tight t-shirt. Where Connor was taller and thinner, Evan was shorter and wider. This didn’t make for successful clothes sharing. Evan still shuddered slightly from the biting breeze, and Connor quickly unzipped his grey hoodie and handed it over to Evan silently. 

“Oh, I-I’m fine,” Evan began, but Connor had already slipped into the car and started the engine, cutting off Evan’s words. Evan slipped his arms through the sleeves and the smell of Connor quickly enveloped him. It smelled of weed, sickly, sweet sweat, and deep, musky cologne. Breathing it was like taking his anxiety pill; it calmed him down instantly. He jumped in the car after he heard Connor yell at him to “fucking hurry up, Hansen!”

They raced back into town where they found Captain Salt’s and the comforting smell of seafood wafted to their noses on the ocean breeze. A small booth overlooking the water waited for them, and Connor ordered a bowl of clam chowder (still upset Evan didn’t get to experience the miraculousness with him) and Evan ordered a serving of coconut shrimp and a few crab legs. 

After several cups of tartar sauce later, the two were stuffed to their gills. “Pun intended,” Evan said. 

When the waiter came around to take away their plates, she asked if they intended to split the check, and Evan and Connor replied simultaneously:

“Separate.”

“Together.”

They looked at each other, then back at the waitress, and repeated:

“Separate-“

“Together-“

More glaring, and then before Evan could do anything else, Connor grabbed his wallet out of his pocket and handed two twenties to the waitress. “No change, thanks.” She raised a questioning eyebrow at Evan - who gawked, confused - and walked way. “Nooooo!” Evan moans. 

“What?” Connor says, stretching in his seat. 

“You didn’t have to do that! I brought money, too!”

“Chill, Hansen. It’s not a big deal, you can just owe me.” 

Frustrated, Evan said, “How about I just give you twenty right now?” He started to reach into his back pocket but Connor stopped him, saying “Naw, I want you to owe me,” and he winked. He actually _winked_ and made Evan blush furiously. 

“It’s 3…what now?” Evan looked at his phone, no texts.

“Want to just walk around?”

“Sure.”

They left the restaurant, the waitress smirking, watching them as they left, not too close together but not too far apart.

 

 

 

After five shops and two hours later, Evan’s arms were full to the brim with a model sailboat, two used books, a bottle of sand, and a bag of jelly candies. 

“God, do you really need all this stuff?” Connor fingered the linen sail of the boat. “You’re into collecting things, aren’t you? You’re not a hoarder, right? I couldn’t stand hanging out with someone like that.”

“You don’t have to hang out with me, you know,” Evan corrected him.

Connor didn’t reply. 

“S-sorry,” Evan said. “I didn’t mean for that to sound rude. I’m just…” Evan stopped in his tracks, his arms were starting to hurt from carrying around his finds. “I still don’t know why you’re doing this; hanging out with me.” Connor offered to carry some of Evan’s things but he declined. They were walking along the pier as the sun was beginning to set over the water. “Just think,” Evan mentioned, “That people on the other side of the country never get to see the sunset over the water like this.” 

Connor followed Evan’s gaze to the quickly spreading pink, orange, and violet of the sky. It was making him anxious, but he couldn’t place why. He watched Evan sit down on a rickety, wooden bench, and he hesitated before sitting down next to him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it, and taking a long inhale. Evan noticed an elderly couple looking at them in disapproval. They must look like a sight, Evan thought to himself; the long haired punk kid, piercings in his ears and nose, smoking a cigarette, in all black. Next to him, a smaller boy, hunched over, in bright swim shorts and worn out sneakers, his closely cut hair curling from the salt in the air, arms full of trinkets. Connor didn’t seemed bothered in the slightest that they were staring and whispering at them as they walked by.

Once they were passed, Evan took a deep breath and asked Connor, “So what is this going on between us?”

Connor looked over, his cigarette hanging loosely in his fingers. “We’re hanging out.” 

Evan tried very hard not to flip out too easily. He took another breath and continued, “I know, but that’s what’s bothering me. Friends hang out. We’re not friends. You’re a bully who beats me up at school, who all of a sudden asked me to teach him to be nice and took me to the beach.”

Connor took another drag. “I see. Well, actually, not to correct you or anything,” he added sarcastically, “but I never asked you to teach me to be _nice_. I asked for you to teach me to be _good_. There’s a difference.”

Evan wasn’t sure there _was_ a difference, but he didn’t say so to Connor. “Okay, so fine. I’m gonna teach you to be good? Well, is that what today was about; you trying to do something good?” Connor shrugged, but he didn’t affirm or denying anything, to Evan’s dismay. Why was he being so elusive? “Cause if it was, then why did you choose me? You could choose anyone to do something nice for, but you chose me. Why not your family? Why not, I don't know, why not Zoe?”

Connor threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped it out with his boot. “Cause I don’t want to do something for fucking Zoe, okay? I chose you because I fucking felt like it. Is that good enough for you?”

Evan was trying so hard not to be offended. “I just don’t understand, and it makes m-me feel really uncomfortable. I think maybe you shouldn’t do anything like this anymore, okay? Because tomorrow…” Evan was almost crying, oh god, what was wrong with him? He wiped his eyes with one arm and in the process dropped the model sail boat to the ground. He didn’t bother to pick it up. He had to finish his thoughts before he started crying for real. “What happens tomorrow, Connor? What do we do at school?”

Connor was now on the other side of the pier across from Evan, his back to him, as he looked out on the water. He could hear the tremble in Evan’s voice, and he didn’t want him to start crying, because if he did, Connor wouldn’t be able to control his temper. _Any_ emotion made him angry, especially crying. He had forgotten how to cry ages ago, and when he saw anyone else cry, he wanted to tell them to stop; to shut up and get over the pain because it would never get better. It didn’t matter how much you cried, nothing would change once you ran out of tears. 

But then, Evan asked about tomorrow, about school, and Connor honestly didn’t know. What would he do? “Whatever you want, Evan.” 

Evan looked up from his lap at the sound of his name on Connor’s lips. He was still facing away from him, but he could see how his shoulders tensed. Evan had an urge to get up and put his hand out, as if to calm a scared animal, but he didn’t move. Connor had said he’d do whatever Evan wanted. What did he want? He didn’t want Connor to come up to him and act like they were best buddies, but he also didn’t want to get the shit kicked out of him. What was the happy medium? Maybe there wasn’t one.

“You can’t be good to just one person and think that covers it. If you can’t be good to other people too, even at school, then I don’t want you to…” Evan couldn’t finish his sentence. He felt a tear roll down his cheek and that was the end of it. He saw Connor’s shoulders tense as he whipped around to face Evan, reaching him in one stride. 

“You want me to leave you alone, Hansen?” Connor slowly began to raise his voice. It was nearly dark now, and bitterly cold. Evan just wanted to get in the car and go home. “You want to go back to being a ghost tomorrow, being invisible and ignored by everyone around you? Do you hear the fucking shit coming out of your own mouth? You’re asking me to treat you the same way you’ve always been treated, your entire life. Is that what you actually want? Fine. You don’t have to ask me twice. We can keep things the way they’ve always been, but don’t expect me not to kick your ass if you piss me off.” And with that Connor began to walk away, and Evan had uncontrollable tears streaming down his cheeks. Connor disappeared around the block and Evan let out a choked sob. 

He couldn’t stand this. Today was wonderful and horrible and beautiful and ugly and sad and delightful and hurtful. How could one day have so many ups and downs? And how could he possibly ever trust Connor if he couldn’t trust himself to let one god damn person in? He was a miserable, lonely boy who was finally given a chance, by _Connor_ of all people, and he just went and ruined it all. And after it was such a perfect day, too. He let go of his souvenirs and covered his face with his arms. 

When a gentle hand was placed on his back, Evan nearly jumped out of his skin. Connor quickly pulled his hand back and grimaced. Evan hurriedly wiped away his tears as if he could hide them from Connor, saying, “I’m s-sorry, I just don’t feel very good and want to go home.”

Connor didn’t say anything, but nodded once. He reached down and picked up Evan’s things. “You gonna eat these?” He held out the cranberry gummies. Evan shook his head no. Connor opened the bag with his teeth and popped two in his mouth. “You sure? They’re good.”

Evan still said no, but even as he was shaking his head, his hand reached into the bag and he put a handful in his mouth. The corner of Connor’s mouth twitched into a smile, then faded. When they finally got to the car, it was dark, well after 7 o’clock. After they were in and buckled, Evan texted his mom. 

 

_We’re on our way home_

_Okay, sweetie. I hope you had a_

_good time! I can’t wait to hear_

_all about it_.  <3

 

Connor turned on the headlights and started the engine. He fidgeted with his phone for a while but then threw it on the dash, frustrated. “You probably don’t want to listen to music, huh?”

“Oh, I-I don’t really care,” Evan said. He laid his head on the window and watched as lights of the town began to disappear and the trees of the forest reappeared. 

“You sure?” Connor asked again.

“Yeah.”

So Connor, once again driving and looking at his phone (which Evan had to close his eyes at) pushed play and the sounds of Arctic Monkeys filled the car. The heavy drums and guitar of “Do I Wanna Know?” filled the atmosphere. 

Evan felt his eyes getting heavier by the moment, and soon he was nearly out. Connor could hear the soft rise and fall of Evan’s chest as he breathed, so he turned the music up ever so slightly to drown it out. Evan tried to pay attention to the lyrics - he’d never heard this song before - but he was so tired he could barely focus. He soon drifted off to sleep with the words ringing in his ears:

 

_Have you no idea that you’re in deep? I’ve dreamt about you nearly every night this week. How many secrets can you keep? Cause there’s this tune I’ve found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat, until I fall asleep, spilling drinks on my settee…Do I wanna know, if this feeling flows both ways? Sad to see you go, was sorta hoping that you’d stay. Baby we both know, that the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day…_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! Here is the next chapter, and a little bit early too! Enjoy, and as always, leave a comment below to let me know what you think/what you want to see happen next. <3


	7. In Which Evan is Asked to Hang Out

Evan didn’t remember getting out of the car, or walking into his apartment, or getting into bed. When he awoke the next morning, the day before seemed all a blur. He remembered falling asleep, music playing as Connor smoked a cigarette while they drove down the highway. This morning, he was still in the outfit he was wearing the night before, including Connor’s grey hoodie. It still smelled like him, and Evan burrowed his face into the sleeves, breathing deeply. The scent made Evan sad, remembering how the night didn’t end as peacefully as the day began. He’d have to apologize to Connor if he saw him today.

He pulled himself out of bed and took off the swim shorts he had been wearing in exchange for his khaki pants. Taking off the sweatshirt was the hardest part, but he couldn’t imagine what hell would break lose if he wore it to school, where everyone would see it and _know_. He put on his blue striped polo and, as always, those damn worn out sneakers. Why couldn’t he have a pair of Converse like everyone else at school?

His mom was still home when he woke up and had prepared him a plate of eggs and some grapes. Evan read the newspaper while he ate and his mom drank her coffee beside him.

“How was yesterday, honey? What did you think of my favorite place on earth?”

“It was really pretty,” he said through a mouthful, hoping she wouldn’t ask him any other questions. And she didn’t, but Evan’s curiosity soon got the best of him and he simply had to ask, “I don’t remember coming home last night. What happened when we got back?”

“Oh, you were so cute and tired! I’m surprised you don’t remember anything. Well,” Heidi pulled her reading glasses up on her head so she could better look at her son. “I heard you guys pull up - you know a mama can’t sleep until her baby bear is home - and Connor walked in carrying you. I told him to put you on your bed and then you never moved once you laid down!” She smiled. “I offered Connor a cup of tea before he headed home, and so he stayed and told me about your guys’ day before he left.”

Evan paled. “He stayed and talked to you? Just the two of you?”

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“Oh, y-yeah, I’m just curious as to what he said, I guess.”

“He said you went to the beach and flew a kite, then had lunch at Captain Salt’s, went souvenir shopping, and then finished the day by watching the sun set over the pier.”

_Oh god,_ Evan thought. _Why does that sound like something out of a Jane Austen film when my mother says it? “_ Yeah, but did Connor say anything about me?”

“He said you were a really good kid, and that you must get it from me,” she winked. “And I’m not joking, he actually said that.”

“Oh,” Evan couldn’t hide his disappointment.

“He also said you were the nicest person he’d ever met, and that he didn’t deserve you.”

“He did?”

“He did.”

“Wow. Well I’m sure that’s not true. I’m not that great.”

“You’re wonderful, Evan.” Heidi wrapped her arm around her son and hugged him tight. “Now go finish getting ready and I’ll take you to pick up your car from the shop.”

And they did just that. Heidi drove Evan to Ashton’s Automotive, where he found his Honda looked better than it did even before he got hit. It felt weird to drive again after a week, but his mind went on autopilot and managed to get him to school, and a little bit early, too, which was rare. Evan parked at the far end of the lot, just to be under his favorite shade tree, and sat in his car with the ignition off before heading inside. He tried not to anticipate the day before it even began, but Evan was, naturally, prepared for the worst. It's what comes with being a nervous person. 

He grabbed his bag and headed inside. The school hallways were crowded, as usual, and Evan didn’t see Jared at first. Then, as he finished gathering his things from his locker, he saw Jared head around the corner and come straight towards him.

“Dude! I didn’t hear from you all weekend. What kept you so busy?” 

Evan refrained from pointing out that he never texted Jared, even when he _wasn’t_ busy, but this seemed like a mute point to argue. “I wasn’t busy,” Evan said, lying. 

“Really, cause I stopped by your house yesterday to drop off the textbook you left in my car from Thursday, and you weren’t home.” Jared squinted his eyes at Evan over the tops of his glasses, and Evan froze, hand midair as he reached for the binder in his locker. 

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about yesterday.” 

“Your mom was oh so helpful and informed me that you were out with Connor Murphy, but would be back later that evening.” Sarcasm oozed from Jared’s mouth.

_SHIT_ , Evan screamed internally and instantly his breathing quickened. He remained silent and avoided looking at Jared.

“Oh my god, Evan!” Jared threw his hands up in the air. “Why the hell were you with Connor fucking Murphy?!” Evan was about to start stuttering out some profound lie when the two boys were interrupted by a new voice that said, “Did someone say my name? I don't usually answer to my middle name, but this time it seemed appropriate."

The man of the hour was standing by their side.

“Hansen here was just telling me you two had a nice day out yesterday.” Jared stared Connor down. “Care to enlighten me further, Murphy?”

“Why? Are you Evan’s babysitter, Kleinman?” Connor stepped closer, towering over Jared who didn’t even flinch. “I didn’t realize I had to check in with you before I made my own decisions.”

Evan stood awkwardly between them, trying to find a good moment to butt in, but the two continued to go around and around.

“Listen, Murphy, I don’t appreciate amorous advances towards my friends, okay? Especially when they’re straight, faggot.”

“Are you trying to hurt my feelings by calling me gay, Kleinman? It takes one to know one, doesn’t it?”

“I’m sure you have enough capability of ruining your own life, you really don’t need to drag Evan down with you.”

“But I want the privilege of us all reuniting in Hell someday. I wouldn’t want you to be lonely down there by yourself.” Connor rolled up his sleeves as if things were about to get more serious, and Evan felt like this was the perfect moment to blurt out, “Stop it! Jared, Connor and I have math together and Mr. Belzano assigned everyone partners. We got together yesterday to work on it. It’s not like I _wanted_ to hang out with him.”

Now they were both silent and staring at Evan. He heard Connor scoff under his breath, and Evan paled when he realized what he’d just said.

“Well, Evan” Jared smirked. “At least I know now that you didn’t _choose_ to hang out with this moron. I’m actually surprised you managed to get together at all. I figured Connor wouldn’t show up and just leave you to do all the work by yourself instead. But obviously he’ll try to take credit for half the assignment in class today." Jared stuck his nose up at Connor as if he couldn’t even bear to be in his presence.

“Y-yeah.” Evan stammered, looking at his best friend: the ground. 

“Well, thanks for clearing things up.” He turned and spit at Connor’s feet. “Stay away from Evan, you fuckwad.”Evan watched as Jared turned and left, embarrassment coloring his cheeks for the way Jared had just behaved.

“What the fuck, Hansen.” Evan shrunk under Connor’s gaze. “You didn’t _want_ to hang out with me? Maybe you should have thought of that before you let me take you on a fucking road trip yesterday.” Evan ignored his glare. Eye contact was an instant trigger for an attack. “Why even lie?”

“Jared’s an asshole sometimes. I didn’t want him to make a big deal about it.”

“I think he already made a big deal about it!” Connor yelled, getting closer to Evan by the second.

“P-please don’t shout at me.” Evan cringed away, trying to make himself small, so small, then maybe he’d just vanish into thin air. 

“You don’t want me to _shout_ at you, Evan?” Connor grabbed Evan by the collar and threw him against the lockers behind them. Evan winced as his broken arm smacked against the hard metal, sending a jolt of pain up to his neck. “You want me to be _nice_ after you dissed me in front of your “real” friend?” Connor did quotation marks in the air with his free hand. “Am I so disgusting to you that you don’t want anyone here to know you _chose_ to spend your weekend in my company? Too late, Hansen! It’s too fucking late!” Connor’s face was inches away from Evan’s and suddenly, he had a flashback of that first day of school, Evan on the ground, as he towered over him. Connor wasn’t any different now than he was then. What did he think? That one weekend with Evan would change him? Save his soul? Jared was right; he was a fucking moron who didn’t even deserve to _think_ Evan would want to be his friend. He let go of Evan’s collar and watched as the small boy slid to the ground. Evan looked up at him, tears in his eyes, hurt. Connor knew Evan hadn't meang the things he had said. He was just trying to get Jared to leave them alone. 

Connor stared back at him, slowly starting to inch away as he felt eyes from their classmates closing in on him. He looked around, mortified, horrified, from his outburst of rage. His eyes locked on Evan and he tried to convey an apology without words. He pleaded with Evan to forgive him, and then raced out the doors without another word.

 

Evan watched as Connor ran away, and he wanted so badly to chase after him; to tell him it was alright, that he forgave him, and knew he didn’t mean it. But he couldn’t move. He sat there, trying to avoid the glances from the students who saw it all happen. No one helped him up or asked if he was okay, no one at all, until…

“Oh my god!” Someone grabbed his arm and helped him up. Someone touched his cheek and made him turn to look at her. Someone with small, pink hands, and long dark hair. “I’m so sorry, oh my god, my brother is such an asshole! Are you okay?”

Zoe Murphy was touching him. Zoe Murphy was asking him if he was okay. He wasn’t replying. He felt his mouth move but no words came out. 

“Do you need to go to the nurse’s office?” she asked him. He must look like such a doofus, all mumbling his speech and just staring at her, Evan thought to himself. Finally, he managed to spit out a very quiet, “No, I’m okay.”

“I saw Connor push you up against the lockers. What did he say to you? I’ll talk to him later if you want, make him leave you alone.”

“No!” Evan blurted out, loud and clear. “Really, don’t say anything to him, it’s fine. I’m okay.”

“Well…” Zoe didn’t seem convinced. “Only if you’re sure.”`

“Yeah, I was actually being kind of a dick, so I probably deserved it.”

“Don’t say that,” Zoe touched his arm again and Evan prayed she would never move it away. “No one deserves to be treated like my brother treats people.” 

Evan felt the great desire to say something good about Connor to Zoe, maybe help mend their relationship, even if it was only a tiny spark that would take weeks to flame. “Connor’s just…misunderstood. I bet he’s just lonely.” 

Zoe looked dumfounded. “I can’t believe it. You’re the first person I’ve ever heard say something not mean about my brother. I stopped trying to understand him years ago.” She leaned over to pick up her backpack, which she had thrown on the floor in her rush to help Evan. Evan couldn’t help but notice the smooth arch of her back as she bent over, her face flushed when she stood back up. He blushed and looked away when her eyes tried to meet his.

“I’ve got to go to class, but you should find me at lunch to let me know you’re still okay. Otherwise I’ll just have to come find you myself.” She smiled at him, and he felt as if the world couldn’t possibly get any brighter than in that moment. She reached out and touched his shoulder yet again. “Take care Evan.” And as she walked away, Evan had to use all his strength to grab his things and walk himself to class. His mind was so lost in Zoe Murphy’s touch that not a single note was taken down that entire morning. Just doodles of hearts and trees.

 

 

 

At lunch, Evan sat in the cafeteria, equally hoping to catch the attention of both Connor and Zoe. He wanted to apologize to Connor (even though really it should be the other way around) and he hoped Zoe would find him and come to see if he was alright. She had said she would, and Evan knew she wouldn’t break her word. She was as pure as sunlight, that girl. _I bet she’s never told a lie in her entire life,_ Evan thought with a dreamy gaze. 

Sure enough, he soon saw Zoe Murphy walk into the room, Alana and a few other girls at her heels. Evan had never paid enough attention to figure out if Zoe was considered popular or not, but right now, it sure seemed like it. The entire football team turned and hollered at them as they passed, the girls laughing and Zoe waving with a genuine smile on her face. The girls seemed to hang on her every word and laugh at each joke she told. She was radiant as she made her way through the crowd.

Then her eyes landed on Evan. He watched as she waved at him, and he managed to make a timid gesture back. She turned to her friends, said something, and they all seemed to deflate. She broke away from them and made her way over to him, where she sat down across from him at his empty table.

“Hey, I told you I’d come find you if you didn’t find me first.” Her smile was gorgeous and it made Evan blush. 

“Sorry.”

“I’m Zoe. I don’t know if I ever really introduced myself,” She stuck out her hand and Evan went to reach for it then pulled it away abruptly, wiping it on his pants. “Sorry, yes, no, I know.”

“You know who I am?”

“Well, I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band. I love jazz band, I love jazz, well not all jazz, but definitely like jazz band jazz? That’s so weird, I’m sorry.”

“You apologize a lot,” she giggled at him. 

“Sorry,” Evan cleared his throat, “I mean, you know…”

“Okay, well.” Zoe stopped short when she noticed Evan’s cast. “I don’t mean to be noisy, but is that Connor,” she pointed at his arm, “my brother by any chance?”

Evan nodded and made a noise of affirmation.

“Why did he sign it?”

“I-I…I let him. He seemed to want to do it so I just let him.” 

“I hope he doesn’t pick on you too much.”

“He’s not that bad, really…”

“He’s a psychopath.”

“Is he mean to you?” Evan felt bad for asking but he really wanted to know.

Zoe didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s…I’m used to it. But that just means I want to look out for anyone else who suffers at his hand like I do.” 

Evan had a strange desire to tell her about yesterday; how Connor took him to the beach and the wonderful time they had, but he refrained. What would she say or do about it? She’d surely confront Connor, and then maybe Connor wouldn’t ever speak to him again. That was the last thing he wanted. Then, Zoe did something remarkable. 

“Do you want to hang out after school today? Maybe go get ice cream at A La Mode, or something?”

Evan’s heart felt like it was on NASCAR track. He looked up, almost believing Zoe was joking, looking for the answer in her eyes. But she was all smiles and sincerity.

“Y-yeah, sure. I can’t hang out long, but I’d like to, f-for a little while, anyway.”

“Great, see you there at 4:15?”

“Mmmmmmhm, sure.”

Zoe stood up, a bounce to her step and, flipping her hair, she gave a dazzling smile and walked away.

Evan actually couldn’t breath for a second and had to force himself to gasp for air and finish his lunch.

He was going to hang out with Zoe Murphy. Just the two of them, alone. Was that…a date? He almost let himself get carried away and then shook the idea from his mind. If that was a date, then what he had done with Connor would definitely classify as a date too, and that was simply out of the question.

No, he was just hanging out with Zoe, as a friend. Were they friends? Now he was overthinking things, like usual.

The rest of the day went by like cold syrup out of a bottle. And when the last bell rang, Evan moved faster than his short legs had ever carried him before. 

Zoe Murphy. Zoe Murphy. Zoe Murphy.

His heart and head could only say one name.

And then, as he started his car, out of his rear-view mirror he saw Connor, walking down the sidewalk, a cigarette hanging from his lips. He didn’t notice Evan, but it was enough.

Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy.

His heart and head could only say one name. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felt inspired and wrote an extra chapter for you guys, though it is a bit short. :) Enjoy!


	8. Orchard Visit #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay it's edited now, guys! I really wanted to get this chapter out to you because I am super stoked about it and ALSO this fic just passed 800 hits (going on 900 now omg) so like WOW thank you all I love you all so much!! <3

He arrived at A La Mode before Zoe did and sat with his lemon sorbet, waiting for her to walk through the front doors. A La Mode was a small cafe that served gelato and ice cream, just a few blocks from the old orchard that Evan was obsessed with. He thought about telling Zoe about it, maybe even taking her there. Would she find it weird that he liked an old overgrown orchard? Maybe it would be romantic to go on a picnic...or maybe it would be creepy. When it came to Evan, it was hard to tell how certain things would come across.

At the ding of the bell above the door, Evan lifted his head up from the homework in front of him and saw Zoe Murphy wave as she came to sit across from him. “I’m sorry I’m a little late. Class went long and Alana had to whine at me a bit for not going home with her.”

“Oh, did you guys have plans?”

“Yeah, we usually go to her house on Monday’s, but I told her I couldn’t today cause I made other plans.”

_I’m those other plans,_ Evan thought to himself. _She chose me over her friends. Me, of all people._

“Well, I hope she wasn’t too upset with you. You could always leave if you wanted to change your mind.” Evan poked lazily at his sorbet. 

“Oh my god, Evan! No.” Zoe laughed. “This is fun! Let me go get some ice cream real quick.” She returned in a few moments with salted caramel and chocolate chunk in a paper cup. It looked amazing, with rainbow sprinkles on top.

“I don’t care what kind of ice cream I get, it always MUST have sprinkles on top.” Zoe took a big bite and sighed dreamily. “What did you get?” She asked through a mouthful.

“Lemon Sorbet.”

“Sorbet?”

“I can’t eat dairy.”

“That’s so sad!” 

“It’s not so bad, really.” Evan took a bite of his dessert and felt slightly as if he was lying. Zoe’s ice cream _did_ look very tempting.

“So, tell me about yourself, Evan. What do you like to do when we’re not all stuck at school?”

“Well…I like trees?”

 

Their afternoon was going by far too quickly. Evan enjoyed listening to Zoe talk (she did most of the talking, in fact) about all the things she liked, specifically British period dramas, Greek Mythology, and ice skating. She knew a lot about each of these things, Evan discovered, and could talk about them for hours. He had inserted a few of his favorite things, when she had asked, such as video games, reading biographies, and of course, nature. Zoe, oddly enough, couldn’t stop asking Evan questions about plants, which he thoroughly enjoyed answering for her. Evan also found out Zoe liked old movies, which was where their conversation was drawing to a close.

“I like To Kill a Mockingbird and Casablanca the best I think,” she said with a distant smile. “Oh! Speaking of old movies, the Landon is showing Bonnie and Clyde this weekend, two nights only! I definitely want to see that. I mean, I’ve seen it before, of course, but I want to see it on the big screen, with popcorn and coca-cola. You know, the works,” she laughed.

Evan was about to comment on this when he felt his phone buzz in his back pocket. Probably his mom wondering why he wasn’t home yet. He pulled it out and sat it on the table next to him where it lit up with a text from not his mom. Quite the opposite, actually. It was Connor Murphy.

 

_hey_

 

Oh, how those three letters formed a word that tied his stomach into knots. Knots that he couldn’t distinguish from anxiety or pleasure.

 

_I’m really sorry about today._

_I’m sure that sounds stupid coming_

_from me but I mean it. That was_

_shitty of me to do. I mean, worse_

_than shitty but when you’re a_

_motherfucker like me, no apology_

_sounds genuine…_

 

Evan hoped he wasn’t turning red in front of Zoe, who glanced at his phone but apparently didn’t see it was from her brother, as she asked, “Is that your mom? Do you need to go home?”

Evan lied, “yeah, she’s just asking where I am. I should probably go soon, though.”

“Yeah, I’ve kept you long enough.” Two and a half hours, to be exact, but to Evan it had barely felt like 15 minutes, he was having such a wonderful time. He didn’t want to leave yet. He felt like he’d never see Zoe again if he didn’t do something about it. Then, he got a horrifying idea. He wasn’t even sure if he could form the words on his tongue, but he knew if he didn’t try, he might never be able to again.

“Y-you said Bonnie and Clyde is playing this weekend only?”

“Yeah, it sucks. I wish it was showing longer.”

“Well, It would b-be such a bummer if you didn’t get to go.”

“Oh, I’ll go, I just wish I could see it more than once, is what I mean!” 

“Do you always go by yourself?”

Zoe looked saddened by Evan’s remark and she sighed. “I do now. Connor actually used to go with me but…he’s not really into that sort of thing anymore.”

“Seeing old movies?”

Zoe scoffed, a sarcastic, hurt smirk on her face. “No, I mean hanging out with me.”

“Oh.” Evan wished he could fix whatever had happened between Connor and Zoe, but he knew it was too much to even hope for. “Well…w-would you,” he began to choke but told himself to breathe, just breathe through it. “W-would you want to go together?”

Zoe’s eyes lit up as her face softened into a sweet, shy smile. “You really want to go?”

“Yes! I want go with you. And see the movie, duh, but I mean, we could see whatever and I’d be happy. Not that I don’t want to see Bonnie and Clyde, cause I do, I just mean I-“ 

Zoe’s laugh cut Evan off. “I know what you mean.”

“Sor-“

“And no need to say sorry,” she winked. That wink was so identical to Connor’s, it was uncanny. Evan looked back at his phone where three more texts had appeared.

 

_Where are you?_

 

_You didn’t answer my text so I stopped by_

_and you’re not here. Your mom said she_

_didn’t know where you were._

 

_Was that too forward? Should I not_

_have stopped by? I’m sorry, I’m_

_stupid, I know._

 

 

Evan knew he should reply but he didn’t want to ignore Zoe, who was waiting so patiently for his attention.

“Sorry, it’s my mom.” Evan stuffed the phone in his pocket. “I should go.”

“Me too. My mom needs me to help with dinner. It’s a Monday night thing.”

Evan smiled. At least Zoe had an apparently good standing relationship with her mom. 

Evan’s phone buzzed again, and he pulled it out to find yet another text from Connor.

 

_Fuck Evan! Are you ignoring me?_

_I’m just trying to apologize._

_Where the hell are you?_

 

Evan tried not to get mad, but what business was it of Connor’s to know where he was? “Okay,” he focused back in on Zoe. “I’ll pick you up Friday night, what time does the movie start?”

“7:25.”

“I’ll be at your house at 7.  I guess I’ll see you then."

“And at school.”

Evan paled. Oh yeah, he still had a week of school to get through before he’d get to go to the movies with Zoe. _That should be fun_ , he thought sarcastically to himself. “Yeah, see you around.” Zoe left a trail of peach scented perfume, a smell he was slowly beginning to distinguish as a singularly Zoe scent. He watched out the door as she jumped into her red mini cooper and drove away down the road.

It took him a second to make it to his car, where he sat with the engine running as he hurried to reply to Connor’s texts.

 

_I’m so sorry!_

_I was busy doing homeworkat the_

_library. I had my phone silenced._

 

It made him sick how casually he was getting used to lying about everything. It certainly did not make him feel good about himself. And why did he feel the need to lie in the first place? Something told him Connor wouldn’t like the fact that he was hanging out with his sister. But why did he even care what Connor thought? Well, because some little part of Evan cared about Connor, and didn’t want to see him get hurt.

 

_Shit, Hansen! I thought you’d been_

_kidnapped and murdered! wtf_

 

_I’m sorry._

_Stop saying sorry! I’m the one who’s_

_been trying to apologize for the last 3_

_hours!_

_Sorry?_

_omg fuck you, Hansen. lol_

 

And with that “lol”, Evan felt himself breathe. Connor wasn’t mad at him, thank god. He was relieved Evan was alright, and that sent butterflies to his chest, which he tried to shoo away, as he didn’t know why on earth talking to _Connor_ , of all people, gave him butterflies. It was probably just his anxiety he was feeling, the quickened heart rate and headiness. 

 

_Can we_

_…_

_Can I have another chance?_

_I don’t want you to think I’m someone_

_who can’t control themselves. It’s that_

_fucking school I swear, it makes me go_

_insane._

 

_When I’m with you, and it’s just the_

_two of us, I don’t feel angry. I feel_

_better. I just want to feel better_

_once in a while, you know?_

 

Evan didn’t know what to say at first. He knew immediately what Connor meant, though. Being at school was like someone opening his back and turning his anxiety knob to 100. The noise, the kids, the studying, the teachers…it was enough to make him explode. He couldn’t possibly be the only person who felt like that, and here was Connor, giving him proof, saying he felt just like that too. It brought out the worst in them both. But here alone with Zoe, and when he spent the day with Connor at the coast, he didn’t feel like that. His anxiety was practically non-existent! How else would he have had to courage to ask Zoe to the movies? If he had been at school, there would have been no chance at him mustering up the strength to be so brave. Maybe that was the only way to get through to Connor. It had to be just the two of them, alone, without the rest of the world scratching at the door.

 

 

_I get it. I hate school too. It makes my_

_anxiety so much worse._

 

_Can we try again?_

_Yeah._

_Tomorrow, after school?_

_Sure. What are we going to do?_

_I have any idea._

_What?_

 

But Connor never responded. And after 15 minutes of waiting in the car, wasting more than enough gas, Evan decided to go home. He guessed tomorrow would be a surprise. 

God, Evan hated surprises. 

 

 

 

 

The next day at school, Evan didn’t see Zoe until after lunch, where he passed her in the hall as they headed for their afternoon AP classes. Naturally, Evan didn’t share any classes with Zoe, as she was a year younger than him, but she was smart enough that you wouldn’t know that if you looked at her class schedule and grades. Evan and never actually seen her grades, but high schoolers talk among themselves, and word travelled fast about who was smart and who wasn’t. Evan wasn’t. Zoe was. 

She waved at him and he thought he heard her say something about Friday as he passed, but he didn’t catch it all. He watched as she rounded the corner, her brown hair flying behind her, pink Converse carrying her away.

Evan had forgotten about meeting up with Connor until a text arrived from the boy himself, reminding him not to forget.

 

_Meet me in the parking lot._

_I parked right next 2u._

 

_I hope that’s not creepy._

_It is. ;)_

 

Evan cringed, horrified that he had actually hit send on that text. A winking face?! Oh god, how big of a loser could he be? What would Connor think that even meant?!

 

_Wow, Hansen. Aren’t we frisky today._

 

Evan blushed. The girl next to him shot him a funny look, which forced him to put away the phone and try to focus on the teacher’s lovely voice which nearly lulled him to sleep. When the bell rang, it jolted Evan awake and he rushed to grab his things, other students tripping over him in their hurry to leave. He found himself mumbling sorry, even though they were the ones who were stepping on _him_.

He followed the crowd out to the parking lot, and walked all the way to the end where he had parked under the trees for shade along the property fence. Connor had indeed parked right next to him, and was lazily smoking another cigarette. He wore ripped black jeans and a black denim vest over a grey t-shirt. It was too hot out even for Connor Murphy too keep wearing his signature look. The combat boots were replaced by worn out black converse, and his infernal grey hoodie was…

Wait…Evan remembered suddenly; he still had that hoodie at his house! No wonder Connor wasn’t wearing it. Why hadn’t Connor asked for it back yet? He had worn it every day of his entire life ever since Evan had known him. 

“You know those are going to kill you, right?” Evan pointed timidly at the paper stick between his fingers.

“Good, I like to hasten death at every opportunity I get,” but even as he said this, Connor threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped it out. “Get in the car, I’m driving.”

Evan looked around, checking to make sure no one saw him getting into Connor’s car. Connor caught him looking and sighed saying, “Hurry up, Hansen, and then no one will notice. Try not to make it obvious, god.” He jumped in the front seat and Evan climbed in the passenger side after swinging his backpack in first.

“Where are we going?” Evan asked, hoping to get an answer out of the elusive boy next to him.

“Stop asking. I’m not going to tell you until we’re there.”

“But I don’t like surprises,” Evan whined. “They make me anxio-“

“Tough luck.”

Evan shut up.

Connor drove them away from school, and Evan subconsciously slid down in his seat so his head wasn’t peeking above the window. Connor looked at him and rolled his eyes, but didn’t make any snarky comments, which was an improvement, Evan had to admit. However, when they stopped at the second light past school, a silver mustang pulled up next to them carrying a group of girls and some jocks from their school. Harry Cane was in the passenger seat, Evan recognized him as one of the players on their football team, and Charlene Michael sat behind him, her hands in his hair. She was part Korean and was on the Volleyball team. They were the popular kids. Unfortunately, they were also dicks who picked on the _unpopular_ kids like Evan and Connor. Evan had slid completely to the ground by now and could only hear them as they yelled at Connor.

“Hey Murphy, loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Connor ignored them and stared straight ahead. “Your daddy know you steal his guns? Or are knives more your thing?” Evan wanted to scream at them to stop, but he wanted even more to keep himself hidden and out of the confrontation. Besides, Connor seemed to be handling himself very well. “Now tell me,” Harry went on, “Does it say in the fine print that you have to be gay to be the school bully or not?”

“Nope, it’s just an added privilege.” Connor taunted back, still looking straight ahead. Then, he got a wicked smile and looked them dead on. “Charlene, don’t tell Harry that you know he sucked my dick for meth freshman year. He wouldn’t like anyone to know that.” The light turned green and Connor hit the gas so hard Evan hit his head on the glove box as he crawled back up his into his seat.

“T-that’s not true, is it?” Evan’s face was beet red, mostly from the heat, partly from Connor’s comeback. “The…the meth thing, right?’

Connor smiled deviously. “Don’t worry your pretty little head, Hansen.”

Soon they were driving down a dirt road that Evan recognized instantly, as he drove it every morning on his way to school. And sure enough, Connor pulled over in front of the abandon apple orchard Evan was in love with.

“Why are we here?” Evan asked, although deep inside he already knew the answer.

“I thought we could go inside,” Connor said. “You know, since you’re too ‘scared’ to go on your own.”

Evan wouldn’t let Connor see it, but this was, without a doubt, the nicest thing anyone had ever offered to do for him, ever. He didn’t even answer Connor before running to the edge of the first line of trees. It was so gorgeous and here he was finally about to step inside. He was going to walk among the trees that had haunted his thoughts for so long. This was the moment. Connor came up next to him and looked around. “God, this better be worth it,” he muttered, and Evan decided he wasn’t going to let Connor ruin this moment. Instead, already feeling the trees making him strong, he did something brave and bold and unexpected. 

He grabbed Connor by the hand, and led them forward.

 

 

Connor tried not to let on how excited he was to explore the orchard with Evan. He had told himself that no matter what happened that day, he wouldn’t go overboard and make Evan uncomfortable. He would let Evan lead them, and not the other way around. But when Evan grabbed his hand, making Connor’s stomach fly up into his throat, he forgot all about his promise to himself. He didn’t pull away, but instead laced his fingers tighter into Evan’s and let the smaller boy lead them forward into the mass of towering trees around them. He took one glance behind them, making sure no one saw, and then let himself be embraced by the day, the air, the greenery, and Evan’s presence. 

 

 

Evan felt Connor tighten his grip in their intertwined fingers. Evan tried not to look down at the sight, but he couldn’t help but let his eyes slip to where Connor’s long white fingers and dark black nail polish met his own short round and dark skinned fingers. Evan felt strong holding onto Connor like that, and didn't ever want to let go. It gave him the same feeling wearing Connor’s hoodie had. His anxiety was far away and he had no desire to find it again any time soon.

They walked for a while in silence - Evan merely enthralled with the sheer amount of gorgeous trees - until they stumbled upon a golden clearing in what they could only assume was the center of the orchard. A breeze picked up and blew their hair from their foreheads, swaying in time to the grass around them. 

“This is…” Evan ran to the middle of the field and threw himself to the ground. “This is perfect!” He spread his arms out and ran them back and forth across the grass, which completely hid him from view, as it was all so tall around them, having never been mowed or cut. Connor laughed to himself as he saw Evan disappear, contemplating doing the same. Suddenly, Evan’s head popped back up, like a little excited bird, and all you could see were his eyes peeking above the grass. “You’ve got to lay down in this stuff!” Evan yelled. “It’s _so_ soft!” Connor walked over - did not run, mind you. He didn’t want to come across too anxious - and laid down next to Evan, not too close, but not too far either.

They lay there, and Evan pointed out a few different passing clouds, one which he claimed looked like Yoda, and another that looked like a shark.

“And that looks like weed.” Connor said. “And that one. And that one too.”

“Connor, you can’t say they all look like weed.”

“But they do,” Connor turned to him and the look on his face made Evan laugh; a real, loud laugh like he had that day at the coast. 

They got quiet again, and Evan suddenly thought of Zoe, and how only yesterday he had been sharing the afternoon with her, and now here he was doing the same with her brother. He got nervous thinking about what they would do if they found out about each other spending time with Evan, and not being told about it. Evan got so quiet that Connor turned to him and asked, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry. I just got lost in thought for a moment. It’s easy to do that when it’s so beautiful out, isn’t it?

Connor shrugged, “Sure, Hansen. Whatever you say.”

Evan suddenly had an itch to ask Connor a question, and it just sort of flew out of his mouth before he could really think about whether it was a good idea to ask or not. “Why does everyone joke about your being gay when they make fun of you? Is that just a thing people say when they want to hurt someone’s feelings, or what? What’s the big deal?”

Connor turned to face Evan, a surprised look on his face, but he didn’t get upset. “Now, why are you concerning yourself with that, Hansen?”

“I just think it’s weird how that’s always everyone’s big come back, you know? I’m not saying it’s just you, cause they’ve accused me of it too, but I’m definitely not gay.”

Connor tried extremely hard to keep his face neutral after Evan’s last comment. “Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but Harry Cane says it because he’s mad at me for freshman year.”

“Oh my god!” Evan sat up on his forearms and turned to Connor. “He didn’t really suck your dick for meth did he?”

Connor laughed, loud and delightfully high. “No. But I did kiss him, and he never forgave me for it.”

Evan blushed. Connor…had kissed a boy? Did he…he liked boys? Why was this making his heart beat so fast? Evan almost felt like he might pass out. 

“Dude,” Connor said, touching Evan’s arm lightly then hurriedly pulling it away. “You okay?”

“Yeah. S-sorry. I’m just surprised.”

Connor laid back down and shrugged. “Harry used to be nice to me, back when we were freshmen. We hung out a lot and well…I got the wrong impression. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”

“He never told anyone? That you…” Evan couldn’t say it. “Kiss”, like that was some big, scary word. He had never been kissed before, therefore it felt sacred and untouchable, even to speak of it.

“Nope. See, that would entail him telling people he had kissed a boy too, and then he’d be the subject of equal ridicule, and no way in hell is Harry Cane going to admit him and I are on the same playing field.”

Evan laid back down on the grass and continued to watch the sky. He didn’t know how to respond. He let like Connor had just shared a huge part of himself, and he didn’t want to break the special connection they had going between them at the moment. 

“I’ve never been kissed,” Evan blurted out.

“Never? Not by anyone?”

“Well, my mom.”

“Not what I meant, Hansen.” 

“Oh, then no. No one. Ever.”

“Well I hope your first kiss is more special than mine,” Connor laughed, but it was half hearted. He wanted to reach out and grab Evan’s hand again but he felt like now couldn’t possibly be a worse time to do so. He did turn to face Evan though, and eventually Evan felt his eyes on him and turned to look at Connor too.

“Sorry if that was awkward,” Evan said. “I didn’t mean to be implying anything.”

“Were you implying anything?” Connor asked.

Evan blushed. “No?”

“No? Why do you say everything like it’s a question?”

“Sorry? I mean, sorry!” Evan fought the urge to look away from Connor. He wanted to keep staring at him, wanted them to lock eyes and not look away, at least for a little while.

Connor wanted so badly to lean forward, just a few more inches, and be close enough to Evan. Close enough to close his eyes and touch his lips with his. But he didn’t, he couldn’t. Connor meant what he said when he hoped Evan’s first kiss would be more special than his. He didn’t want to take that moment away from him. He didn’t deserve to be Evan’s anything, let alone first kiss. He finally pried his eyes away from Evan’s and turned back to the sky, where he sent out a silent wish that he’d be good enough to deserve him someday, maybe, if he was lucky enough.

 

 

Evan felt strange, almost entirely unlike himself, as he lay there in the grass next to Connor. He felt so close to him, on such a personal level, and yet farther away than he’d ever felt from anyone before, too. When Connor finally sat up and stretched his arms and legs out, standing up slowly and brushing the dirt off his pants, it was as if he was pulling Evan out of a dream. Evan was unwilling to leave so soon, but it had actually been almost 2 hours, and he’d be expected home for dinner with his mom. Evan invited Connor over, as a last fatal attempt to reconnect with him, to not let the dream die, but it was no use. He could already see Connor’s mind fading elsewhere, his walls coming back up as they walked to the car. Connor put on some music for the short drive back to the school, and they barely made it through “Open Your Eyes” before Connor pulled up next to Evan’s car. 

“Thanks for hanging out, Hansen,” Connor wasn’t being sarcastic but he did have his signature smirk back. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?” 

“O-okay.” Evan grabbed his bag and shut the door, but continued to talk to Connor through the window. “Can we…do that again sometime? Go back to the orchard?”

“Still scared to go alone?” Connor teased.

“No, but now I don’t w-want to go alone,” Evan twisted the hem of his shirt and looked down at his feet. 

Connor felt his heart take a leap. “We’ll see, Hansen. We’ll talk about that another time.” And with that, he threw the car in reverse and drove away, leaving Evan alone in an empty parking lot, with only his thoughts and the wind to comfort him.

Connor Murphy had kissed a boy, and Evan thought maybe, if just for a second, Connor had wanted to kiss him too. But that was ridiculous. because nobody liked Evan, and especially not like _that_. No one, not Connor or Zoe or anyone else could possibly think he was worth their time, and even if they did, he’d somehow find a way to disappoint them in the end. Because wasn’t that what he always did? He always managed to screw things up and he wasn’t going to risk his chance with the Murphys because he was a fool. No, he’d remain as aloof and naive as possible because he didn’t want to risk losing the maybe friends he had just started to make.

Evan got in his car and opened the song Connor had been playing in his car before he left. Evan wanted to finish it, he had liked the tune but hadn't been paying attention to the lyrics. He pushed play then immediately got lost in thought.

It really wasn't the best idea in the world to have feelings for two siblings, now was it? Evan slammed his head on the steering wheel, accidentally honking the horn. What the hell was he getting himself into?

 

 _I wanna take you home boy_  
_Come with me out in the light_  
_Living as somebody else boy_  
_Open your eyes_  
_You gotta try boy_  
_Open your eyes_  
_Squeezing the palm of my hand_  
_In these bodies, we are alone_  
  
_What could I have changed your mind_  
_Tell me_  
_What good when we’re out of time_  
_Won’t say that I never tried_  
_Will you_  
_Set me free by the river side_  
  
_Take my body_  
_Take my body..._  



	9. "I Didn't Say Anything To Stop It"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! This fic is almost to 1000 hits! And I just passed 100 kudos! You are all the BEST! <3

Friday arrived far too soon, if that is even possible to imagine. Evan wanted the school week to go by quickly because he hated being there, but that also meant his date with Zoe would arrive before he was ready for it. After he had asked her out, his nerves had got the best of him the rest of the week. He avoided Zoe in the halls because he was embarrassed and worried he wouldn’t have anything good to say. He stressed about what he would wear, if it would be awkward when they drove to the theatre, if they’d run out of things to talk about, if she would find him boring, if he’d forget to bring his wallet, run out of gas, fall asleep during the movie…the possibilities of what could go wrong were simply endless.

When Friday arrived, Evan seriously thought of pretending to be sick so he could skip school, but he knew if he did that, his mom would make him stay home from the movie as well. He just wanted all day to mentally prepare and that was impossible to do at school. Before he left that morning, he laid out his dress clothes on his bed, as well as his nice shoes which he had polished the night before. He went back and forth between his blue tie with white polka dots or his black tie and eventually landed on the blue one because black felt too formal, and he didn’t want Zoe to think he was trying too hard. Not that he wasn’t taking it seriously, because he was! But he didn’t want her to feel pressured…not as pressured as he felt, anyway. 

Going to school was unbelievably hard. He sat in his car right up until the moment he knew the bell was about to ring and then raced into the classroom without talking or making eye contact with anyone. As he sat in class, he kept his phone, wondering if Zoe would text him and cancel. He was sure she made some sort of mistake when she accepted his offer. He was beyond shocked she wanted to hangout with _him_. He was waiting for her to realize her mistake and tell him she wasn’t interested anymore. But she never texted him, and he didn’t see her around the halls that day, so there wasn’t a chance for her to come up to him and say it, either. 

However, Zoe wasn’t the only thing on Evan’s mind, and their date was _definitely_ not the only thing stressing him out. Since Tuesday, when Connor and him had gone to the orchard, Connor hadn’t spoken a word to Evan. Evan had seen Connor around school, but Connor hadn’t made any move to start a conversation. They had made eye contact a few times, by their lockers and in math class, but neither made a move to speak. Connor hadn’t called either, or texted even, and Evan wondered what he had done wrong. Maybe asking to hang out again made Connor second guess his…dealings with Evan. What about Tuesday had changed things? Evan had thought he handled the day rather well, but for some reason, Connor was different towards him. He almost acted like they didn’t even know each other. Maybe he was just being extra careful to make sure no one at school knew they were hanging out. Evan understood that, but not even a text? That was what bothered him. The previous weeks Connor had texted him almost every day, even if it was just to say “hey” or to tell him to “fuck off”. At least it was something. Something was better than nothing. This emptiness Evan felt because of his lack of communication with Connor was gnawing a hole in his chest. It made him feel…odd.

During math that afternoon, Evan walked in late to a full class of students. He saw Connor in the second to last row and Evan took a deep breath before sitting down right behind him. Connor didn’t flinch, and shortly after Mr. Belzano began to drone on and on about the magnitude of a vector. 

Evan got out his phone, sneakily, and sent a text to Connor.

 

_hey._

 

He looked up as he heard the vibration from Connor’s phone in his pocket. The other boy didn’t make a move to grab it. Evan decided sending multiple texts to get his attention might be the best bet for contact. 

 

_hello._

_just trying to get your attention here._

 

_don’t mind me._

 

Evan watched, waiting for Connor to pull out his phone, but all he did was reach in his pocket and apparently turn it off, because when Evan sent one more text saying hello, there was no vibration sound.

Evan cursed his bad luck. Did Connor know it was him sending those messages? Was he ignoring them because he knew they were from Evan, or because he was actually trying to pay attention in class? The latter seemed very unlikely, so evan assumed he must be ignoring him. What the fuck was his problem?

Evan decided there was only one way to do this. Old school style. It was risky, as he had zero to no desire for their peers to notice them corresponding, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He opened his notebook, tore a little piece of the edge off, and wrote in shaky pencil, “hey, is everything okay?” He folded it up into a tiny square about the size of his finger nail, and after looking around to make sure no one was paying attention to him (which they weren’t because they never did) he leaned forward and set it on the corner of Connor’s desk. 

Connor twitched his head to the right after Evan pulled his hand away. He didn’t look behind him but he did pick up the paper, his long thin fingers unfolding it carefully in his lap. Evan tried to see what Connor was doing, but was naturally unsuccessful. Connor resumed his attention towards the front of class, and Evan sighed, slouching in his seat. Mr. Belzano eventually broke his lecture and told them all to turn to page 73 in their textbooks as he passed out the worksheet. That was when Connor leaned down to his right and reached in his backpack for a pencil, and when he sat back up, there was a piece of paper left on the floor. Evan pretended to get something out of his bag too, and picked up the paper as he did so. After the papers had been passed around and the class began working on them, Evan unfolded the paper on his desk, hiding it from view and read Connor Murphy’s reply.

“Not ok. Z is going out 2 nite with some mthrfkr. Don’t want 2 talk. sry.”

Evan felt himself go pale and his vision began to blur. He prepared to pass out, but the darkness never came. Connor would beat the shit out of him if he found out about tonight. Evan tried not to have an anxiety attack but it was coming on so fast he couldn’t do much to stop it. He threw his books in his bag, grabbed his jacket, and raced to the front of class where he whispered to Mr. Belzano that he needed to go to the nurse’s, and he was excused to leave. He raced down the hall to the bathrooms where he sat in the bathroom and tried his best to breath through the attack.

 

 

 

 

Connor could hear Evan shuffling through his things behind him, but when he saw the other boy race past him to the front and ask to leave, it startled him. Connor wanted to go after him, make sure he was okay, but knew it would look…weird. What had happened? Was Evan okay? What had made him leave so suddenly? Connor hoped it wasn’t the note. He hadn’t meant to make Evan upset. Was his ignoring him too harsh? Connor simply couldn’t bring himself to talk to anyone, not since Zoe had announced this morning that she was going to the movies tonight with someone from school. It had surprised them all, him and their parents, but for some reason it hit Connor especially hard. Of course Zoe had gone out with other guys before, but the first dates were always the last dates. She came home, said it was “okay” and never mentioned them again. But this time was different. When their mom asked each of them what their plans were for the night, Connor gave his usual shrug and mumbled something along the lines of “nothing” or “whatever” or “homework”, but Zoe had perked up saying she was going to see Bonnie and Clyde with a boy from school.

“Oh? Is it a date?” Cynthia Murphy had asked.

“I guess, I don’t know,” Zoe responded. “It’s not like he asked me like that. We were just talking about old movies and I mentioned it was playing this weekend and he asked if I wanted to go with him.”

“When were you talking about old movies?” Cynthia questioned. “At school?”

“No, we got together after school at A La Mode a few days ago.”

“So you’ve hung out with this boy before.” It was not a question. This was when Connor actually started listening, because technically tonight sounded like a second date, and ZoeMurphy _never_ went on second dates.

“Who the fuck is it?” Connor sat up straighter and stared Zoe down. He had obviously startled her because she glared back at him and blushed, saying, “I won’t tell you anything if you talk to me like that!”

“You’re fucking playing him, aren’t you? What is this, you never go out with anyone!”

“I do too, you just never notice.”

“I notice that you never go out with them twice!”

“Stop it, you two!” Their mom slammed the fridge door shut as she turned around to scowl. “It doesn’t matter if Zoe wants to tell you or not Connor, don’t curse at your sister.”

Connor ignored her. “You better tell me who it is!” he said to Zoe.

“Why, so you can beat the shit out of him and scare him away? Not a chance, you psycho!”

“Oh my god, enough!” Cynthia threw her hands up in the air and sharply told them to finish eating or leave the room. Connor had lost his appetite completely and knocked over the chair in his hurry to rush out of the kitchen. 

What really made him upset wasn’t the fact that she was going out at all. It was the fact that her eyes lit up when she mentioned it. How even just saying “him” had made Zoe turn red and bat her eyelashes with delight. She liked this guy, Connor could see it in her eyes. That made him so uncomfortable, to think there might be another guy around their house sometime in the future, someone his parents would possibly like, and Zoe would look up to. Someone Connor could never be for their family…

He didn’t want anyone to take his place. If he found out who it was, he’d scare the shit out of them, Zoe was right. But if this guy could stand up to Connor, then maybe he deserved to be with Zoe. Regardless of how much he hated his family, there was still that big brother part of him that didn’t want anyone to hurt Zoe. It was a small, tiny part of him, but it was still there, nonetheless.

Connor tried to focus back in on class - one part of being good, Evan had said, was actually paying attention in school - but it was no use. His mind was on Evan, and Zoe, and all the ways his life was a giant mess.

 

 

 

Evan wasn’t nearly finished crying in the bathroom stall when the bell rang. Soon enough he heard other kids come in, talking and laughing, not noticing that one stall stayed shut the entire time. When they all vacated, Evan wiped his face with some toilet paper and assessed the damage in the mirror; red, swollen eyes, puffy bags under each of them. He looked like he’d been stung by a bee. Thankfully, that might work out to be a good excuse, but thinking about people looking at him made him start crying again. He decided skipping his next class was the best solution, then he thought, well, since it’s the second to the last class of the day, he might as well skip both of them. His mom had definitely already left for work and wouldn’t be home till after school got out, so Evan grabbed his things, jogged down the empty hallway to the front door and out into the fresh air. 

When he got home, Evan spent the next two hours sitting on the couch, Samson curled up in his lap, as they watched The Office and ate an entire bag of veggie chips. (Well, Evan ate the chips, Samson just drooled on the sofa as he watched him.) At 4:15 his phone buzzed, and Evan hurriedly reached for it, thinking Connor had found out about tonight and was going to start chewing him out. This was it, the end of his life at school, no more Connor, no more Zoe, nothing but silence again.

It was only Jared. Evan let out a long, shaky breath.

 

_Dude, did you skip?!_

_How did you know?_

_I have Enviromental Science AP right_

_after you, Evan. Come on._

_Oops. I forgot. Please don’t rat._

_I won’t, jeez. Just tell me what_

_happened._

_I don’t feel well is all._

_I couldn’t do it today._

_Anxiety is bad._

_Shit, Evan. Tell a guy next time okay?_

_I was worried Connor Murphy had_

_tainted your soul or something._

_We’re not hanging out anymore._

_Math assignment is done._

_Good god, about time._

 

 

At least that wasn’t entirely a lie, Evan thought. Him and Connor hadn’t hung out since Tuesday, and it was only Monday that Jared and Connor had fought. So…it was close enough. 

Jared didn’t send any more messages, except a short sentence about how awful their homework was this week along with a gif of some kid slamming their head on a table. Evan didn’t reply. 

When it was finally 6 o’clock, Evan decided he’d better start getting ready if he wanted to look at least halfway decent for the movies tonight with Zoe. He changed into his nice khakis and a short sleeve button down shirt. He replaced his old sneakers with the dress shoes, and put on the tie. He hoped to god Zoe was wearing a dress, because if she wasn't wearing a dress then he would feel extremely overdressed.

He brushed his hair, spending at least ten minutes trying to decide whether to part it sharply to one side, or let it flop all over like he normally did. He eventually decided on au natural and spritzed on some cologne before leaving the bathroom. He popped a mint in his mouth (not that he had any intention of getting his face close to Zoe Murphy’s face!) and grabbed his keys off the hook by the front door. He wrote his mom a quick note saying he was at the movies with a friend and would be back before midnight, then he left.

Evan stressed over how to go about picking Zoe up. He was worried Connor would be home and he didn’t want him to see. It took Evan a good 20 minutes to get to the Murphy’s house, as they lived on the other side of town, in the suburbs. The houses got bigger and bigger until Evan was sure that he had gone too far. But no, his GPS led him straight up the hill till it told him the destination was on his right, and he saw the Murphy’s house for the first time. It was huge. The driveway wrapped up towards their house, with two lampposts on either side of the walkway up the front door. The landscaping was immaculate and definitely done by workers, not “in house”. It was two stories, not including the apparent basement under the garage. Evan bet they had a pool, but he couldn’t tell from the street. It was all a little too much for him. He bet their basement was probably bigger than his entire apartment. 

He pulled up past their house and parked, sending a text to Zoe that he was here. She responded that she’d be right out, and he kicked himself for the bad impression he was probably making on her parents by not coming to the door to get her. But he couldn’t risk Connor seeing. That would be the end of his night, before it had even begun. Zoe texted back that she would be right out, and in a few moments he saw her in his review mirror coming towards his car. He got out and awkwardly ran around to the passenger side to open the door for her. She giggled and curtsied before stepping inside.

“I’m sorry, I must have written down your house number wrong, I thought it was this one,” Evan pointed to the house he was currently in front of, the one he knew wasn’t the Murphy’s but it worked as a good excuse. 

“It’s okay,” she smiled. “Now you know for next time.”

Next time? She was already talking about _next_ time?! Evan pulled at his collar, where a thin line of sweat was already beginning to form. 

They drove to the theater where a small crowd had already formed to line up for tickets. This was a popular event, when old movies played at their theater, but they two teens quickly noticed they were the youngest in the crowd. “You must have an old soul, Zoe,” Evan joked. “We’re too young for this hangout.” Zoe laughed and agreed that, yes she did. Evan felt extremely nervous as they order their popcorn and drinks because he knew this was it. This was the make or break of the night. His mother’s words came flooding back to him, reminding Evan that the message he wanted to send to Zoe all came down to whether he bought the tickets and the food. 

He gulped, slowed his breathing, and did both.

“That’s so nice of you, Evan!” Zoe beamed, fiddling with the bracelets around her wrist. “I could have at least bought my ticket.”

“D-don’t worry about,” Evan stuttered. “It’s no big deal.” 

They found their way to their seats just as the credits began to roll, and they settled in for the show. As it progressed, Evan realized he wasn’t actually paying that much attention to the screen. He was laser focused in on Zoe and the position of her legs, which way she leaned in her seat, the tilt of her head. He started every time she moved her hands, even though 9 out of 10 times it was just to reach for the popcorn bin he was holding in his lap. Eventually, she rested her arm on the chair and Evan tried to figure out if it was a move to hold his hand or not. Since we couldn’t assuredly come to a conclusion, he guessed it was not the best move to make, so he kept his hands folded tightly in his lap, trying not to glance over at Zoe every five minutes. When the movie was finally over - no hand holding or making out having happened - the two stood up and walked out, Zoe immediately beginning to talk on and on about how much she loved the film.

“I just think it’s so exciting, and the acting is really good! Did you like it, Evan?”

“Oh, mum yeah.” Evan didn’t really like it, but he tried to be honest and not lie, for once. “I’m conflicted because while I thought their love story was really convincing and um…p-passionate, it is sad because they did so many bad things. It’s hard to root for them. I mean, I don’t root for them at all, but I am all for people being in love, you know? Sorry, that sounds so weird.”

“No, I get what you mean,” Zoe said. “It is hard to think about the situation realistically when their love story is so romantic.”

Evan left out the part about how awkward it was watching that movie sitting next to Zoe. He would never admit in a million years that he had imagined Zoe and him in Bonnie and Clyde’s place. Minus the killing part, of course. Evan didn’t want the night to be over so he suggested they take a walk in the park that was next to the theatre. They could hear music playing so they decided to seek it out and see what was going on. As they walked, mostly in silence, Zoe eventually piped up with, “When do you get your cast off?”

“Oh,” Evan held his arm up awkwardly, as if to included the afore mentioned cast in the conversation. “I think in two more weeks? I have a check-up next Thursday that will determine if I have to wait longer or not.”

“I bet you’re getting tired of it.”

“A little. It makes some things difficult, like showering and stuff. But at least I’m not left handed.”

“True.”

The stumbled upon the source of music which was a three piece band playing some old folk tunes. Zoe and evan settled on a bench across the way to listen and watch, but not be quite up in the middle of the action.

“Thanks for taking me tonight,” Zoe said. “I’m glad I didn’t have to go alone. You’re a good movie partner; you didn’t talk throughout the entire thing like Connor used to do.”

“He would talk through the movie?” Evan was surprised, especially considering Connor was a normally quiet person the rest of the time. “In the movie theatre?”

“Yes! It was awful. He would go on and on about how this thing or the other wasn’t realistic enough for him. He’d make fun of the love scenes and talk about how he could have done it better!” Zoe wasn’t laughing, but Evan did catch a small smile play on her lips. “He used to crack me up, and it only made me laugh more when the people around us who shush him.”

“I would never talk during a movie.”

“I know you wouldn’t, if tonight was any indication of how you are the rest of the time.”

Evan leaned to his right to rest his good elbow on the bench arm. “Did you and Connor used to hang out a lot?”

Zoe thought a moment, then nodded. 

“How long ago was that?” Evan hoped he wasn’t being nosey or pushy, but Zoe didn’t give off any body language that would suggest otherwise. 

“Probably five years ago, right before he started high school. I think…I think maybe thatt’s what ruined him.”

“High school?”

“Yeah. Everyone goes on and on about how mean Connor is, a bully and everything, but they don’t stop to think that maybe Connor’s mean because other people were mean to him too. I bet people picked on him when he was a freshman…I don’t know cause I wasn’t there, but if now is an indication of the past, then that has to be it.”

“But…what about at home? You don’t think it’s all school, do you?” Evan couldn’t say that Connor had told him that directly, but he wanted to know if it were true or not.

Zoe sighed, obviously trying to decide whether discussing this with Evan was a good idea or not. She thought that, while she didn’t know Evan well, she knew he wouldn’t g and tell Connor. Connor had just this week freaked out and bullied Evan, right in front of her eyes. How could they possibly even talk to each other? She took a breath and continued. “Well, I still believe it started at school, but I won’t say my parents didn’t do anything to make it worse.”

“What do you mean,” Evan pressed.

“Connor would come home with bruises and he’d be gone for hours without any word, and my parents would ask him if everything was alright, but when Connor would lie and say everything was fine, they would just let it go. They didn’t try to find out if he was actually okay or not. They just let him be. Now they have to let him be cause he flips out of they ask him anything, but when he was younger…well, they should have been more discerning about what was happening to him.”

“Was he being bullied?”

“Of course. I saw it happen more than once. They’d kick him to the ground and tear up his homework, throwing his textbooks in the mud. One black eye would heal and the next thing you knew he had another. Connor told our parents the first time it happened, and the boys were suspended for a week, but when they came back, they hurt him even more, for ratting them out. After that, Connor just started lying when our parents asked him what happened. He’d say he did all those things, like destroying his textbooks and not doing his homework. He’d say he started the fights, but never admitted that he was just defending himself against other students. He said how he hated school and didn’t want to go, and then he really did stop going. It started with skipping a few classes here and there to skipping the entire day. Sometimes he’d go weeks without setting foot in school. We wouldn’t know where he was and he’d come back and the minute he walked in the door the yelling began. My mom and dad would just lay it on him, telling him he was worthless and was ruining his life. It was so hard to listen to. I’d go to my room but I could still hear them screaming at each other from all the way upstairs.”

Evan felt tears pricking at the backs of his eyes. He never guessed that maybe Connor was forced to be mean, rather than just born that way. He had judged him without knowing all the facts, and evan felt incredibly guilty. When Connor has asked him to help him be good, he was seeking a way to go back to how he was before all the pain began. This still didn’t explain why Connor included Zoe in his anger towards his family, and not just their parents.

“I just don’t understand why Connor treats you so badly, though. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Zoe looked at Evan, and her eyes matched his own. “That’s just it, I didn’t do anything. I knew that those boys were still bullying him, and I didn’t say anything. I let my parents yell at him because I didn’t want them to start yelling at me too. I was selfish. I wanted to remain their ‘good’ child…and I did. They would do special things for me just to get back at Connor’s misbehavior. He’s resented me for it ever since.”

This crushed Evan to hear. Zoe was obviously sorry, but she was at the point where it had been so long she didn’t know how to go about building the pieces of their relationship back together. He knew she wanted to reconnect with Connor but couldn’t find a place to start. 

“You’re not a bad sister,” Evan said. He timidly put a hand on her shoulder and Zoe folded under it’s weight. She actually started crying and was soon apologizing for it. “I’m sorry I just unloaded all of that on you. You probably think I’m a freak now with a crazy family.”

“No! No I don’t,” Evan placed both hands on her shoulders and she sunk into his arms. He stiffened, not sure what to do, but eventually he let himself relax into the hug. “My family is crazy too, me and my mom go around in circles sometimes, and I don’t even have a dad. Your family isn’t any worse than anyone else’s. I mean it. You will get through this, and I know you and Connor will find a way to forgive each other.”

Zoe looked up then with an astonished look on her face. She couldn’t believe this quiet, shy boy had just said the most remarkably kind thing anyone had ever spoken to her. She was so overcome with emotion that she let herself smile and lean forward to give Evan a peck on the cheek.

Evan almost missed it, the kiss was so butterfly soft, but it was enough to make is heart pitter-patter then soar. He blushed maddeningly and looked down at his shoes, abashed. 

“Thank you, Evan. You certainly know the right thing to say to a girl.” She nudged him with her arm and he let out a small laugh. “I just want you all to be happy,” Evan said, and he meant it. “You, and Connor, and your parents. I don’t like to see people hurting.”

They decided that it was getting late enough that they better head back. Evan dropped Zoe off at her house, still anxious that Connor might see but he swallowed it back, and waved goodbye to her as she went through the front door. He hurried home and found his mom up, watching television and eating ice cream. 

“Hey, baby. How was your date?”

Evan thought, then replied, “Really good, Mom.”

“I’m glad. What’s her name again?”

“Z-Zoe…”

“Zoe…isn’t that Connor’s sister? Connor said he had a sister named Zoe.”

“N-no. This is a different Zoe. Connor sister is a year behind us. This Zoe is in my grade.”

“Ah, well I’m glad you had a good time. I want to meet her sometime!”

“Mooooom,” Evan groaned. “It’s like _way_ too soon for you to be saying stuff like that, god.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Heidi laughed and put her arms around her son. “I’m just so glad to see my boy happy for once, going out with different people, making friends, it’s all I could ever have asked for.” 

“Thanks.” Evan stood up then, saying he was tired, and went to his room to undress. After brushing his teeth and getting in his pajama pants, he climbed into bed, scrolling through his phone for a few minutes before turning out the lights. As he was settling in his phone buzzed twice, with two different texts; one from Zoe and one from Connor.

 

Zoe _: Hey I had such a good time tonight, thank you again. Let’s hang out soon, okay?_

 

Connor _: I’m sry about 2day. I suck, I know._

 

Evan swiped open his phone and responded to Zoe first, because that was the easy one to reply to. 

 

_I had fun too. :)_

_Maybe next week?_

_Yeah, just let me know when._

_You’re a good guy, Evan._

_Well, I’m always trying to be better._

 

 

She didn’t send anything back after that, so Evan directed his attention to Connor’s text now.

 

_You do suck, but so do I._

_At least you're not alone._

_It’s hard for me to talk about this_

_kind of stuff, you know. Stupid_

_family stuff._

_You don’t have to talk about_

_it then. I don’t mind._

_But I want to! I mean, I’m trying_

_to work on communicating better._

_that’s part of being good, right?_

_I think you know what’s right and_

_wrong, Connor._

 

_Zoe_

_…_

_she looked so happy when she_

_got home and it made me mad._

_why does it make me mad?!_

_I’m not a psychiatrist! I don’t know._

_You GO to one!!_

_Ouch._

_Sry._

_Z and I used to go to the movies_

_together all the time. I guess…_

_Idk i feel weird._

_I think you’re feeling jealous._

_yeah, if I ever find out who it is_

_I’m gonna punch him in the throat._

_That’s not really the right approach!!!_

 

 

Evan felt himself shaking, worried that Connor would lose his shit when he found out it was him. He had to calm him down, explain that anger wasn’t the right thing to be feeling, or jealousy. 

 

_I think you need to talk to Zoe._

_Talk to Zoe? We don’t talk._

_I know. That’s the problem._

_I hate texting._

_Me too._

_Can we just meet up tomorrow_

_so I can…have you tell me what_

_to do?_

_You want me to give you advice?!_

_shut it, Hansen. but yes._

_OMG!_

_Fucker!!_

 

Evan laughed. Talking to Connor again made him feel so good. He wanted to feel this way always. 

_Yes, we can. Where do you want to_

_go?_

_I have any idea._

_Are trees involved?_

_Maybe._

_I’m down._

_You’re an odd one, Hansen_

_but I like you._

 

Evan felt himself grow warm. He was getting accustomed to this feeling. What confused him though was how both Connor and Zoe made him feel the same way. He didn’t really know how to handle it. All he knew was tonight had been wonderful, and tomorrow would be too. 

 

_what time?_

_12?_

_Sounds good. Meet you there?_

_No, I’ll come get you. Is that_

_ok?_

_Yes._

_See you tomorrow, Hansen._

_Goodnight, Connor._


	10. An Impossible Choice

Fall was quickly turning into winter as the weather got colder and the daylight shorter. Evan didn’t particularly like winter because it meant he couldn’t be outdoors as much. Hiking and swimming and, of course, studying plants, were his favorite things to do, and these things were severely restricted come snowfall. The other thing he didn’t like very much about November was that winter formal was right around the corner. School dance were not Evan’s scene, too many people, too many couples, and all he ever did was stand alone against some wall like Charlie from Perks of a Being Wallflower. However, this year was looking like it might turn out differently, since this year Evan had something he’d never had before; Zoe Murphy. Evan had grown to quietly enjoy the time he’d been spending with Zoe the last two months, and was quickly coming to the conclusion that he simply had to ask her to the dance. They had gone on several more dates since their first one at the movies. It wasn’t an every weekend sort of thing, as neither of their parents had met the other yet, and that was a repercussion of Evan and Zoe having no desire to rush into anything serious. She claimed to be super busy with school (her first priority) and Evan was simply too nervous to make big deal out of it so soon. Still, he had to admit to himself that he really liked Zoe, enough to ask her to the dance at least, and that seemed like a serious enough thing as it was.

He would make it super special too. It wasn’t prom but he did want to do some sort of “promposal” thing. Maybe flowers? No…a letter in her locker, with confetti that fell out when she opened it. That seemed more like Zoe. She was a bright, shining, full-of-sparkles person herself. He’d make it super short and not too fussy, but he would get some nice stationery at the paper store for it, and silver and blue confetti, their school colors. He did so the next day after school, and spent the evening writing 4 drafts of the letter before landing on a very short, to the point, note:

 

_Dear Zoe,_

 

_I think it makes a whole lot of sense that you’ll want to go to winter formal, because you love to dance and you love the excitement of a big party. Now, if you accepted my invitation to go_ together _, I’d say_ that _didn’t make much sense, either. But I'm going to ask you anyway, in hopes that you forgo common sense for a moment to say “yes” to ridiculous me._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Evan Hansen_

 

He folded the latter carefully, and then sprinkled in the confetti, before slipping it into the matching envelope. He sealed it and smiled as he placed a little kiss on the back. He wrote her name on the front in his best handwriting (which still wasn’t very nice) and put it into his backpack for the next morning.

 

 

 

When he got to school the next day, he tried to calm his nerves about walking over to Zoe’s locker, worried her friends might see and wonder what a loser like him was doing slipping notes into her locker. That was assuming she hadn’t already told all her friends about them. Not that they were necessarily a couple, but… were they a couple? Is this what couples did? He and Zoe had never had that conversation, and it was something he had been avoiding thinking about for so long. What would it mean for his life, his relationship with his mom, Zoe, Connor…

Connor always stopped his thoughts in their tracks. 

Before his mind got muddled with conflicting thoughts of Connor, Evan slipped the envelope through the slats in Zoe’s locker. Just as Jared, as if on cue, came skidding around the corner and beelined over to him.

“So you’re doing it? You’re asking Zoe to the dance? I’m so proud of you, Ev. You’ve grown really brave this year. Is that what being a senior does to one?”

“Shut up Jared. I’m sweating enough as it is without you making fun of me.”

“Oh, I’m serious, I swear. No jokes. Except, I do have one question for you: how does Connor feel about it? His precious younger sister, going to her first dance, with you? Oh wait, that’s right, Connor doesn’t know. Remind me how you’ve managed to keep this a secret from your new bestie?”

“We’re not best friends, and I’m not keeping secrets. They could’ve found out by now but they haven’t asked.”

“So since they don’t ask, you think it’s a great idea to just not ever bring it up?”

Evan glared at Jared before slamming his locker door shut. “I’m fine without your help, thank you, Jared. I see a psychiatrist once a week already, I don’t need a second session from you too.”

“Well, when you screw it all up, like you always manage to do, don’t come running to me when you’ve lost your other ‘friends’.” Jared scoffed and turned over his shoulder, storming off.

Evan felt his shoulders sink because he knew Jared was right. This was going to blow up in his face one day, and he didn’t know what he would say to even begin to explain why he had chosen to remain silent. 

The school day went slowly. Evan tugged at his sweater, the cool November air not doing much to help his anxious sweating thinking about Zoe finding the note. Would she text him? Call? Stop him in the hall? The unknown was his greatest fear, so not being able to properly mentally prepare for the outcome was severely stressing him out. His phone did not go off all day, until about 4:30 when Connor texted him asking if he wanted to go get burgers later that evening. Evan decided not to reply, but put his phone away for later. He wanted to go out with Connor, but knew even a night adventuring wasn’t going to keep him from stressing out about Zoe’s answer to his big question. After the last bell rang he wanted around awkwardly, trying to spot Zoe as she came out the front doors on her way to her car. He didn’t see her, even though he saw Alana and their other friends come out in a huddle. Where was Zoe? This was killing him. Was there a chance she hadn’t gone back to her locker at all the rest of the day and just left without finding it? Would he have to wait all the way till tomorrow to find out what her answer was? He tugged at his hair, messing up the perfectly placed curls that lined his forehead.

After 20 minutes he decided to get in his car and head home. He put on some tunes (his current sad jam being “17” by Youth Lagoon. Especially appropriate since he was in the middle of his very traumatic 17th year of being alive. When he pulled up to the apartment building, all the spots lining the street were full and it made him even more depressed. He had to pull around the block to park and walk back around the side of the building. He climbed the stairs with heavy feet and finally stumbled through his front door and barely made it to the couch before falling on his face.

“What’s wrong? Bad day?” Heidi appeared from the hallway with arms full of laundry. 

Evan mumbled a reply but was not heard through the pillow that suffocated his face.

“Well, whatever you said can’t be as bad as it seems, and I’m saying that having no idea what you said. Here,” Heidi set down the basket of laundry. “I need you to fold these so I can start working on dinner.” Heidi waited for confirmation from her son but it never came. “Can I at least get a head nod so I know you heard me, please?” She sighed and put her hands on her hips. Evan raised his head enough to shake it before plopping it back down again. Heidi made a growl in the back of her throat and threw her hands up. “Why are you being so dramatic lately? This isn’t like you. Please start folding.”

Evan managed to sit up and groan after looking at the stack of laundry at his feet. It would take him at least an hour to fold it all. And there were sheets. He hated folding sheets.

“Oh, also,” Heidi yelled from the kitchen, “A girl stopped by and left you a letter. She said her name was Zoe. Is she the one you’ve been going out with? She was nice.”

Evan bolted upright. Shit. 

He ran into the kitchen. “Where’s the letter?” He frantically began looking around. Heidi pointed to the bulletin board by the door. Evan carefully unpinned the envelope that had his name on it and was about to run off to read it alone when he stopped, turning to his mother, asking, “What did she say?”

Heidi turned. “What do you mean?”

“When she stopped by? You were here?”

“Yeah,” Heidi stopped stirring the pot on the stove and looked her son straight on. “That’s funny actually cause she said hello and introduced herself as your girlfriend, Zoe Murphy.”

Evan felt the blood drain from his face. If there were a mirror he would have seen himself go white as a sheet. “She-she did?” He gulped. “We’ve not made it official, I’m surprised she said that. I’ve never called her my g-girlfriend before.” He choked on the word “girlfriend”. 

“Well apparently she thinks you two are together. I mean, I’m surprised you haven’t said anything about it considering you two go out all the time.”

“We don’t go out all the time, Mom.”

“Often enough to give her the impression that you were serious about her.”

“Well, I am serious about her!”

“Then what’s the problem, Evan?”

Evan didn’t know what his problem was. He supposed it was because he didn’t want Connor to think…

Dammit, why did it always come back around to Connor?

Heidi sighed and continued cooking. “I just wish you would have told me you had a girlfriend, and had introduced her to me yourself, honey. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know it’s your first relationship and those can be awkward and embarrassing but if you don’t tell your mom, then who’s gonna give you good advice?” She winked at him. Evan stood stock still, not sure what to say. “She was very nice, Evan.”

“Yeah, she is.” After a few moments of Heidi not saying anything, Evan turned to leave, but his mom stopped him once again and said,” Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“I thought you said the Zoe you were seeing wasn’t Connor’s sister?”

“Oh…”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“I just thought…I thought it was weird that I was dating his sister and I didn’t want you to…” He grew quiet.

“Baby, that’s how most relationships start. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, unless Connor or their parents don’t approve of it. But I don’t know why in a million years they wouldn’t love you, Evan, just as I do.” Heidi gave him a sad smile and then turned her back again. Evan looked down to the floor and at his sad sneakers. “Invite her over to dinner sometime, please. I’d love to get to know her better.” 

“I will, maybe next week sometime?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” 

Evan walked out of the kitchen and towards his bedroom, furiously opening the envelope as he walked. He pulled out the letter and littered the hallway with rainbow colored confetti and…petals? Were those _real_ flower petals? He opened the note and began to read Zoe’s very perfect cursive handwriting:

 

_Why, if it isn’t_ _the_ _Evan Hansen!_

 

_You’re note was so sweet and such a thoughtful gesture! I am honored you would ask me to the dance. Do you know I’ve never been before? I didn’t even think anyone would ask me, and I’d just end up going with Alana and her friends! But then there you were, with your perfect letter and perfect words. I’d love to go with you, Evan. Yes, yes, yes!_

 

_Sincerely, Your Girlfriend (is that too forward of me to say?)_

_Zoe Murphy_

 

Evan just about passed out. Zoe Murphy had said yes, to _him_ , of all people! Not some tall handsome jock, not some smart debate team politician, she had said yes to shy, awkward, bumbling, Evan Hansen. What a world he lived in.

 

 

 

During the last 2 months, Evan’s life had become a tricky balance of school, homework, and relationships. He had never before had to worry about getting all of his chores and homework done before the next day, but suddenly, with the rapidly accumulating time he spent with both Connor and Zoe, he was struggling to keep up with the work that was already a heavy load. His mom hadn’t ever nagged at him to do his chores before going out, but now it was almost a daily occurrence.

“Evan Hansen! Where do you think you’re going? Your room is a disaster and you haven’t finished putting away the laundry I asked you to fold earlier. I know I’m gone a lot, but if you stop helping me out, this place will become a disaster!”

“I’m sorry! I’ll do it when I get home, I promise!”

“No sir, you’re doing it _before_ you leave. Where are you even going this late on a school night?!”

“Connor asked me if I-“

“You and that boy see each other almost everyday, I think you can forget it for one night.”

“But I already said I would go! He’s waiting for me downstairs!”

“You’ll just have to apologize to him,” Heidi placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head sarcastically, “that you didn’t consult your mother first if you could go out at nine pm on a Thursday night!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask, I thought it would be okay.”

“Well normally it would have been fine, had you finished your chores right when you got home from school, like you normally do. I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Evan, but you have been slacking bad lately. If you don’t shape up I’ll ground you for a while, make you realize how family is more important than friends and girlfriends!”

Evan sighed and rolled his eyes, “So you find out Zoe’s my girlfriend and ll of the sudden you bring her into this? Like I said earlier, I don’t even go out with her that much!”

A car horn honked, faintly, outside the window.

“I have to go, mom!”

“No! You’re staying home, and that’s final.”

“I promise I’ll fold the laundry when I get back, and I won’t sleep in tomorrow and miss school, I swear! Please Mom! You’re always saying how glad you are I have friends to hang out with. Don’t make me lose them because I bailed when I made plans!”

Heidi dropped her arms and sighed dramatically. “You’re a mess, Evan. This is the last time, the _last_ time, I let you go out without checking with me first, do you understand? The next time it happens I will ground you until you learn to focus on school and work.”

“I promise it won’t happen again!”

Another honk, and Evan raced out the front door, leaving Heidi to fume in the entryway.

Connor and Evan had started hanging out once or twice a week, after they first started talking at the beginning of school. But now, the two boys had been seeing each other nearly every day, either to do homework, talk, or go on some crazy adventure Connor had up his sleeve. Evan remembered the exact day that their daily rendezvous’ started. It was the day after Evan’s first date with Zoe. Surprisingly enough, Connor still hadn’t found out about him and Zoe going out, and Zoe had no idea him and Connor were even friends. Everything was going so smoothly, maybe too smoothly. Evan would often wake up in a cold sweat from another nightmare he’d have about Connor and Zoe finding out about each other, but when he’d realize it was a dream, Evan would sigh, reprimand himself for not telling them, and then quickly fall back asleep.

Evan jumped into the passenger seat and immediately slumped in his seat.

“Geez, Hansen, I almost thought you were gonna stand me up again.” Connor hit the gas and took off down the road, Evan fumbling with his seat belt. 

“I’m sorry! My mom and I argued right as I was trying to leave and she tried to stop me from leaving.”

“What’s got into Mrs. Hansen lately? This happened last week too.”

“She doesn’t like me going out with…out this late.”

Connor threw the side eye at Evan before returning his gaze to the road. “Uh huh. Well, at least you wiggled out of it.”

“Yeah.” 

They sat in silence as they drove, finally pulling up to Debbie’s Diner. They got out, the bitter winter air nipping at Evan’s thin blue sweater. Connor was wearing the same thing he always was, black jeans, grey hoodie (which Evan had reluctantly given back a couple weeks ago, claiming he had “forgotten” he still had it) and black boots. “How are you not freezing?” Evan asked, astonished. Connor shrugged, stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets. Evan guessed Connor was secretly cold too, but was just trying to act tough. Such a boy, Evan thought to himself, even as he let a small smile play at his lips as he followed the other boy into the restaurant. 

The waitress behind the bar greeted them with a bright smile. “Heya boys!”

“Hey Sandra.”

“Hey Sandy!” Evan raced over to the counter, as Connor kept walking to find them their booth. “Sandy, do you have any new pictures of your puppy?”

“Yes, I do, Mr. Hansen. Wait till you see her, she’s gotten so big!” Sandra pulled out her phone and started flipping through her camera roll which was full of photos of her 5 month old Dachshund. “Oh!” Evan let out a little squeal of delight. “She’s adorable! It reminds me of when Samson was a puppy. He’s all old and fat now. Cute, but not as cute as that!”

Sandra laughed. “You’ve got to come see her sometime, really. I’m not a good playmate for her, and she has lots of energy that needs letting out. Bring Connor with you and I’ll serve you boys lunch. My famous crab and shrimp tacos!”

Evan grinned nodding in agreement that they’d come by sometime soon. “Before she’s all grown up!” Sandra added, before asking Evan what the two boys wanted to order.

“A salted caramel shake for Connor, obviously, and two number 6 combos please.”

“Extra fries on yours, dear?”

“If you can swing it,” Evan winked. He waited for the shake and their sodas before heading to the booth where Connor sat patiently waiting. That boy never waited patiently for anything except a nice, big burger. Evan sat down the shake in front of him, and waited as Connor stared at it confused.

“What’s wrong?” Evan immediately got worried he had made some sort of mistake.

“How did you know what I’d want?” Connor asked.

“Well…as your friend, it’s my job to know that kind of stuff about you, isn’t?”

“Your friend?” Connor stared blankly at Evan.

“Are we…not friends? I’m sorry, it just sort of popped out!”

Connor, still blank faced, looked down and said, “I’m just surprised after all this time I haven’t moved up to best friend status.”

Evan felt his heart flutter inside his chest. Was Connor making a joke, or was he serious? Evan didn’t know what to say, so Connor filled the silence by continuing with, “Or does Jared still hold that lofty title?”

“Stop, you know Jared and I never hang out anymore. He’s always such a prick about me seeing you all the time. He doesn’t want to share.” Evan rolled his eyes and took a sip of his root beer.

“Then does that mean I’m your best friend?”

“You’re my only friend.”

“So then I’m your best friend.”

Evan gave Connor “the look”, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed. “Why does it matter so much to you?”

“It doesn’t,” Connor shrugged and bit off the whipped cream on top of his milkshake. “I’m just tired of not knowing what to call you, and best friend had a nice ring to it.”

Evan imagined a soft glow radiating from his skin, he was so delighted to hear Connor uttering those words. “Yes, yes of course you are my best friend, I’m s-sorry, I always considered you my best friend but I never said anything because you don’t seem like the kind of person who cared about labels or friends or anything like that. I really do mean it! I’m s-sorry if I - “

“Evan.”

“What?”

“Stop talking.”

“Okay.”

Sandra showed up just then and sat their food down on the table between them. “There you go, boys. Extra fries for Evan, no tomatoes for Connor.”

“Thanks.” 

“Hey Sandra?” Connor stopped her.

“Yes, love.”

“I’m sorry to do this to you, but can we get this to go?”

“Oh, sure! I didn’t know you were dashing with it. Let me go get some boxes.” 

Evan looked at Connor, confusion crossing his face. “Why’d you do that? Are we going home already?”

“No, I just don’t want to eat it here. I wanna go somewhere else.”

“Where are we going?” Evan started dumping his fries and burger into the to-go box, shoving a few in his mouth as they stood up, cups in hand. 

“Hansen, how many times do I have to take you out before you learn you’re just along for the ride?”

“A lot, apparently,” Evan said through a mouthful. Connor smiled. Damn, Evan was endearing when he was being unawarely cute. 

“Yes, a lot,” Connor confirmed. They got back into the car, Evan holding all their food gingerly in his lap, as Connor drove them further out of town and into the woods. Evan tried not to be suspicious -sure, he had known Connor 4 months now, but he still wasn’t convinced he might not be a serial killer or something - but even tree boy Evan couldn’t place their surroundings at this point. 

“Okay, you know I don’t like the woods at night,” Evan started, “so can you please give up the surprise now?”

“Nope.” And with that Connor took a sharp left that went down a dirt road straight through the forest. Evan’s soda splashed onto his lap and he let out a small curse (this was his favorite sweater, dammit!) as Connor drove through the damp soil towards who knew what destination. “You don’t trust me yet?” Connor teased, a dark smile playing at his lips.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Evan blushed, scared and thrilled all at the same time. Connor always had some mischievous plot up his sleeve to surprise this shy boy and grow him out of his comfort zone. This was just another one of those days. 

Suddenly, they came into a clearing and what was presented before them left Evan speechless. 

“Oh my god!”

Connor drove up to the edge of a cliff which overlooked the entire town. The city lights glowed in the dark blue sky, the stars laid out before them, constellations and planets above their heads. It was the most beautiful thing Evan had seen in a long time. “This is incredible! How did you find this place?”

“I like to wander,” Connor said. “When I get fed up with my family and being at home, I just drive out and take whatever unknown roads I can find. I bring a map and then mark them off as I explore them.” Connor reached across Evan and opened the glove box compartment. He pulled out a folded map and opened it up. “This,” he said, pointing to a spot on the page, “Is where we are. I marked it “city lookout” so I’d remember that’s where it was.”

“This is so cool!” Evan grabbed the map and started looking at other spots Connor had marked. One read “swimming hole” and Evan excitedly remarked that he wanted Connor to take him to that spot next, “Although we won’t go swimming” he hurriedly added. “Maybe ice skating instead?”

“I don’t know if it gets thick enough for that,” Connor told him. “But we’ll see.”

“Wow, I had no idea this was here,” Evan unbuckled and leaned back in his seat, handing Connor his food, and beginning to munch on his fries. Through a mouthful he said “we should just go on more of these little explorations. I hate winter cause I don’t get to go hiking and stuff and all the trees are bare and it’s cold but if we could still go out into the woods or lakes or rivers that would be cool! I like nature and I like being out in it as much as I can especially as we have so many cool places around here to see and it’s always so quiet and there’s nobody around and we can be alone and-“

“Evan.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, stop talking. Okay.”

“No, I wasn’t going to say that, actually.”

“Oh. Then what?”

“You’re c-cute when you get excited.”

Evan blinked once, then again, as he looked for some sign in Connor’s eyes that he was joking, or teasing him, but it wasn’t there. Had Connor actually called him cute? And choked on the word when he said it? Evan blushed and felt himself grow warm. 

“Can we t-turn the heat off? I’m kind of…warm.”

Connor silently reached forward and turned it off, the air growing silent as the two sat together in quiet reprieve. Eventually Connor couldn’t take the silence anymore and he turned on some music, choosing none other than “Electric Feel” by MGMT. The continued to eat their food, Evan picking imaginary crumbs off his jeans when suddenly Connor said, “I’m going to see them.”

“Who?”

“MGMT.”

Evan choked on his bite of burger and coughed until he cleared his throat. “What?!”

“Yeah, in December.”

“That’s insane!! Where? How did you get tickets?”

“Portland, and let’s just say…a friend owed me, and they ended up not being able to go.”

“Connor! That’s awesome. You’re gonna have such a good time.”

Connor looked down into his lap, where he had hardly touched his food. He played with some of his fries and Evan thought he even heard a small sigh escape his lips. Connor managed to look up and meet Evan’s eyes for a split second before looking away, saying, “Yeah, but see, I have two tickets…”

Evan was silent.

“And no one to go with,” Connor finished. Evan continued to stare at him in silence. Evan didn’t want to get his hopes up, thinking Connor was, in his weird, indirect way, asking him to go to the concert with him. It would make him too sad if he were wrong, so Evan sat still, waiting for Connor to continue. 

“Would you…maybe,” Connor cleared his throat and must have decided the shy, indirect way of asking wasn’t his style after all because he huffed and finished fast with, “Fuck it, Evan, you know I’m asking you to come with me, dammit, so just nod and get excited or whatever already.”

Evan nearly spilled his soda in excitement. “Oh my god, Connor!!” He was jumping up and down in his seat, as best he could without hitting his head on the roof of the car. “Of course I’ll go oh my god, did you get two on purpose? Were you always going to ask me? Are you sure you want me to go? Cause I’m sure you could find someone else to go but if you really want me to go then of course I’ll go when is it exactly I need to put it on my calendar and where are we going to stay or are we going to drive there and back all in one night I’ve never been out of town overnight by myself before I’ll have to make sure it’s okay with me mom but if we got a cheap motel that would probably be okay, I don’t have a ton of money saved up right now but I could probably get enough for half a room and some food oh what if we went to Sami’s while we’re there they have the best sandwiches in Portland and then maybe we could catch a-“

“EVAN.”

“Yeah?”

“Please breathe between sentences. I don’t really want you to pass out right now.” Evan saw that Connor was smiling, though, and was actually just as excited as Evan was, inside. “We can work all the details out later, it’s still three weeks away. Also…there’s one more thing I should probably tell you, sooner rather than later.”

“What’s that?” Evan smiled through his last bite of burger. 

“The show is on December 9th, it’s a Friday.”

“Okay, so…?”

“That’s the night of the Winter Formal.”

Evan’s face drained of all it’s color. Connor had to be kidding. This couldn’t be happening right now. 

“That’s why I have the tickets actually,” Connor continued. “They were an early Christmas gift to Zoe, but she said she’d been asked to the dance by someone and would rather go to that than the show, so she offered them to me.”

_That someone is me_ , Evan thought. _She chose_ me _over seeing MGMT live_. What could he possibly say? If he declined Connor’s offer, after having already accepted, Connor would know it was because Evan was Zoe’s date to the dance. But if he went to the show with Connor, he’d either have to tell Zoe the truth, or stand her up on the night of. This was…an impossible choice. 

“Connor, I…I’d feel bad about taking Zoe’s ticket…”

“Oh, stop, she won’t give a damn, she’s made her choice. And I want to go with you, who the fuck else would I go with? If you don’t go with me I’d just go by myself.”

“But…I was going to go to the dance too.”

“What?” Connor looked sincerely surprised and shocked. “I’ve known you plenty long enough now to know you aren’t someone who’s into going to big school dances where there are lots of people and lots of horribly awkward social interactions. Why on earth would you rather go to that than MGMT?”

“I didn’t say I’d rather go to the dance than the show,” Evan corrected, “I just said I was planning on going before you offered me this.”

“Okay,” Connor was getting visibly frustrated at this point. “Then what’s the problem? Obviously, this seems like an easy choice here.”

Evan had no desire to upset Connor, or make him revoke the offer, so Evan shook his head vigorously and put a timid hand on Connor’s shoulder. “You’re right! I’m sorry, of course I’d rather do this with you than go to the dance. I’m in, duh,” he laughed, half-heartedly, until Connor looked over at him with a half smirk on his face.

“You had me worried there for a second, Hansen,” Connor said. “I’d thought I’d lost you to someone else for a moment.”

“Someone else?” Evan felt his collar line with tiny beads of perspiration.

“Yeah… the dance?”

“Oh,” he laughed, “right, right. Nope not this time, we’re good.”

“Good.”

Connor still hadn’t touched his food, but restarted the engine and let the heater flood the car once again. Evan wanted to ask him to turn it off, as his armpits were beginning to become flooded with sweat, even though they’d been sitting in the cold for probably 25 minutes. After a few more minutes of small talk, Evan made Connor turn around and take him home as it was after ten and he promised his mom he’d finish his chores before bed. When they got to Evan’s apartment, Connor stopped him before he could step outside.

“Hey, I’m not going to get all sentimentalhere cause that’s emotional bullshit, but Hansen…thanks for choosing to go to the show. You’ll have the time of you life, I swear to god.”

Evan tried to smile but it was half-hearted. “Yeah, no problem. Thanks for asking me to go.” Connor nodded and Evan stepped out, shutting the door behind him. He watched on the sidewalk as Connor’s red car faded from sight down the deserted road. Evan didn’t go inside yet. Instead, he slumped down on the curb, pulled his knees up into his arm, and buried his head in his hands.

Zoe…what one earth was he supposed to tell her? He wanted so badly to go to the dance with her, and indeed, had already asked her to go. It was set. This was supposed to happen. Then here came Connor, out of nowhere, asking him to go see their favorite band, live, the first and maybe only time he’d ever get to go see such a big concert before he graduated. It seemed like such a perfect senior year thing to do; skip the formal to go on a 5 hour road trip to the big city. And he did like being with Connor. He liked their crazy adventures, how Connor always told him to stop talking, the late night rendezvous, exchanging favorite books and songs…Connor had done so well, opening up to Evan and generally being a much more pleasant person, at least around Evan. It was almost as if they really were best friends, just like Connor said earlier. He loved…

He really did love being with Connor. As strange as it seemed and felt, it was true. 

But…he also really loved Zoe.

“FUCK!” Evan yelled the curse, at the top of his lungs, letting the note carry out into the night, hoping someone would hear it and come running with the answer that would save him from this gigantic mess.

 


	11. Iscariot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is poorly written/edited. I wrote this practically in one sitting and wanted to get it out to you guys as soon as possible because it's freaking intense and emotional and I hope you love it!! xo

Evan seriously considered skipping school every day that week. There was no way he could face looking Connor or Zoe in the eye and not immediately be filled with guilt of the horrible deceit he was committing. It felt so wrong. It felt as if he were cheating on Zoe with Connor, or on Connor with Zoe, but that was ridiculous because he wasn't dating Connor, he was dating Zoe. It was impossible to cheat on someone if the other person you were seeing was just a friend, and nothing more…

But what he’d been feeling for Connor lately wasn’t just friendship…it had definitely started as that, but now it felt as if their relationship had progressed to something deeper. It was as if they were closer than friends, but not quite together…like that.

Evan blushed even though no one was around to see. Thinking of Connor like that made him feel wrong, almost dirty, but he told himself, in this day and age, there was nothing to be ashamed of, right? Flustered, he brushed the thoughts away, because he wasn’t _really_ gay, not if he loved Zoe the way he did. And he did love Zoe; he had forever and probably always would. If that was a solid truth, then how could he possibly be falling in love with Connor, too?

The thought hit him, hard, after he realized what he had just admitted to himself. 

_I’m falling in love with Connor Murphy._

Then suddenly, it was as if all the proof came flooding to him in a rush. The way his heart would beat faster whenever Connor locked eyes with him across the crowded school hallways. How he would feel a warm, radiating glow from the center of his chest whenever Connor would laugh and run his fingers through his long, brown hair. The way he’d check his phone 20 times a day hoping there was a new text from Connor asking him to hang out after school. No one gave him that kind of rush. No one made his head spin the way Connor did, simply by a look. 

The dim Monday sunlight was beginning to fade through his window blinds. Evan sat there, probably for a good hour and a half, not moving, not speaking, merely sitting at the foot of his bed.

And he cried, and cried, and cried until the day turned to night.

 

 

 

It was a feat in itself that Evan managed to pull himself out of bed the next morning. His eyes were heavy and red from crying, dried tears sticking to his cheeks in crusty flakes. He splashed his face with cold water and the chill managed to wake him up enough to consciously get dressed without putting his shirt on inside out. 

His mom had already left for work (Tuesday’s she had to be in at 7 rather than 8) and so it was toast and cereal for breakfast. He didn’t eat much of it, his appetite not what it normally was, and he threw away half his fruit loops as they had gotten soggy from sitting in the milk too long. After brushing his teeth and looking in the mirror - deciding his hair, while not clean or brushed, looked good enough - he trudged out the door to school.

At lunch, he decided to sit by himself outside, even though it was below freezing and a soft snow was beginning to fall over the football field in front of him. He liked watching the sky as it changed and morphed throughout the day. It made him feel better about the fact that no matter how bad the day was, it wouldn’t last forever. Life would go on, things would change, and eventually there would always be another summer.

The bleacher’s still managed to squeak under the weight of him, and he adjusted his view to left slightly and noticed someone in the distance walking towards him. After a few more feet he could make out Zoe Murphy’s figure and her gloved hand came up in a wave. He waved back, but didn’t smile. When she reached him she asked if she could join him, and he nodded assent, taking another bite of his soup, hot thermos in hand. 

“Hey,” Zoe said.

“Hey,” Evan said back, still not meeting her gaze.

“We haven’t spoken in person since you asked me to the dance. Have you been avoiding me at school? I feel like every time I try to find you, you manage to sneak away before I can.”

“I’m s-sorry. I’m not avoiding you, not on purpose anyway. I’ve just been preoccupied with homework. My mom has been on me about it lately.” This wasn’t entirely a lie, for once.

“Oh, okay, I get that. I’m sorry I assumed the worst.” Zoe huddled deeper into her scarf, just her nose peeking out over the top. It was irresistibly cute. “Anyway…”

“Anyway?” Evan nudged her with his shoulder and she smiled, eyes squinting delightfully as she turned to look at him and they locked eyes for the first time. He felt better almost instantly, her smile had a way of doing that for him. 

“Anyway,” she went on. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you because, as you know, you’re the first person I’ve ever gone to a school dance with. I know I’m a junior and it’s absolutely crazy and probably slightly unbelievable that I’ve never been to a school dance before, but it’s true. I’ve never had an interest, and of course, not having a date is always a little sad.”

“Have you really never been asked by anyone before? I find that so hard to believe,” Evan gawked. “I mean, you’re so b-beautiful and smart and k-kind. I’m surprised every single guy in this school isn’t throwing roses at your feet as you pass in the halls.” 

Zoe laughed like Evan had told some sort of witty joke, but Evan wasn’t joking at all. That was one thing Zoe never really quite got about him; she usually couldn’t tell when he was serious or not. 

Connor could always tell.

“Well, of course I’ve been asked by boys before, but I’ve never said yes until now.”

“Oh.” This meant…so much _more_ to Evan. How could he possibly be worth that much more than all those other boys to her? What had he ever done to deserve her affection and attention? “Why?”

“Well…” Zoe hesitated, and turned slightly away from Evan, her hands intertwining and untangling nervously. “Because I never loved any of them.”

Evan was frozen to the bleacher beneath him. “W-what do you mean?” His throat was sore, and it was hard to swallow, as if his saliva froze into an ice cube as it slid down his neck.

“I always wanted my first dance to be special. All these other girls just jump at the first offer and then…things always happen, things they regret, and I always knew I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to be careful, and really, truly make sure it would be a night I would always remember, but in a beautiful, wonderful, _good_ way. I never regretted my decision, and I’m so glad I waited because then you came along, and I just knew, that first day at A La Mode, if you asked me to go with you, I’d say yes.” She turned back to Evan, her eyes a light with a fire of love and hope and purity. Evan felt like if he kept looking at her, he’d loose it so he turned away, his back to her for a moment. 

“I’m not that special, Zoe.” And he meant it. Oh god, how he meant that. He tried to emphasis it with every strain of breath he used to speak it but she didn’t understand. She didn’t understand that even though the words he spoke were “I’m not that special” actually meant “ _I’m lying to you right now, I’ve never been honest with you, and if you go to this dance with me you’ll definitely regret it for the rest of your life, just like all those other girls you don’t want to be like.”_

“Evan! Stop, you are special, maybe not to yourself but to me you are. And I want so badly to prove to you that you deserve to feel that way too!” She placed her hand on his shoulder and Evan almost flinched away, he was so horrified that she was placing so much faith in him. “Please look at me. I can’t bear that you’re shutting me out right now.”

He didn’t want to, oh, how he wanted to run away right now, but he didn’t. He stayed, and he turned, slow as molasses, to look Zoe in the eye. Thank god he had managed not to start crying, how mortifying would that have been?

“I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore. I don’t want to hide the truth about us any longer. I want to be able to come up to you at school and hold your hand and talk to you without you worrying who will see. I want you to sit with me at lunch, and I want us to go to the movies with our friends, and I want us to exchange gifts at Christmas. I want…I want my parents to meet you.”

Evan really started listening at that point. He looked up at her and didn’t even try to hide the horror in his expression. “What? No, I don’t think I can…”

“Evan, they ask about you all the time!” Zoe excitedly grabbed Evan’s hands and placed them in her own, holding on tight. “My mom is so thrilled for me and she wants to meet you so bad. My dad is even happy, in his own quiet way, but I can tell he wants to meet you too. I mean, he’s a dad and of course wants to make sure you’re a “good guy”, but don’t worry! I know they will love you and I just want to…show you off, you know? Because I’m so proud of us and this and everything we have!”

“Zoe, I need to tell you - “

“They want you to come over for dinner on Thursday,” she interrupted him, and it would have been less painful to stab him in the back than how hard her words hit him. “I know that’s like super intimidating and scary, but after that, you don’t have to be worried any longer. We won’t have to be careful anymore.”

“Zoe, I don’t think I can come Thursday…my mom and I were planning…on going out.”

“Oh,” Zoe looked so disheartened. “Well, my parents want to meet you before we go to the dance together, and our family is going on vacation Friday. I’ll be gone until the day before.” 

“Oh.”

“Please, can’t you ask your mom? It’s the only day it will work for us.”

Evan suddenly remembered a dream he had months ago. Of Zoe and Connor standing before him in the orchard meadow, their arms outstretched, each holding out a hand to him. He had had to choose, and woke up before finding out what his decision had been. He felt presented with the same choice here, right now, and like a deer in the headlights, he just froze, staring off into the distance beyond Zoe’s shoulder.

“Evan?” she said, grabbing his shoulders, not shaking, but gripping tightly. “Are you okay? You’re white as the snow.” And it’s true, the snow was continuing to fall, soft and slowly around them.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I”m sorry. I’m just nervous is all.”

“I promise it will be okay. I’ll be with you the entire time and I won’t let anything uncomfortable happen, and if it does, we can leave right away.”

“Yeah,” Evan saw no way out of this situation. “Hey Zoe?”

“Yes?”

“I’m not super nervous about your parents actually. It’s-“

“Connor. I know.”

“You…know?” Evan was beginning to feel as if he didn’t need his coat on any longer.

“I know that he’s been mean to you in the past, and he’s been very hostile towards me about you. See…I never told him it was you that I was seeing.”

Evan refrained from mentioning that he actually knew this already. Instead he just asked, “Why?”

“He’s always been so aggressive towards boys I’ve liked before, and even though I never went on more than one date with them, he’d find out who it was and then bully them at school. After I started going out with you, I knew you were too special to me to have him go and scare you away.”

“He won’t scare me away.”

“I hope you mean that. I actually don’t even know if he’ll be home when we have dinner with my family. He’s gone every night it seems like lately. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t even show his face. He’s always out.”

_Out with me_ , Evan thought.

“But if he does show up, I promise he won’t do anything to you, not in front of my parents, and if he tries to bully you at school, he’ll have me to go through first.”

Evan was silent.

“Please please come over. I’m not asking for anyone else but myself. Don’t do it for anyone but me. If you care about me at all, in anyway, you’ll do this for me. Please.” She was inches from his face, pleading with her beautiful brown eyes. He couldn’t look away, he was trapped and he knew he couldn’t avoid this any longer. He’d have to face his demons sooner or later. 

“I will, I promise.”

“Thank you, oh Evan!” She wrapped her arms around him and when she pulled back, there was a moment where their coats and scarves got tangled up and her long hair was twisted around buttons. She giggled, and their hands fumbled together trying to get her untangled. Eventually, Evan began laughing too, even if it was out of pure nervousness. When finally she was free, she didn’t back away, instead she touched her nose to his, her warm, sweet breath blowing gently on his face, lifting the soft curls from his forehead. Impulsively, he raised his bare hand to her cheek, which was flushed pink from the cold. Evan ran his hand behind her ear, pushing her hair away, and before he knew what was happening, Zoe had leaned forward, pressing her soft, rosy lips to his own.

This. He was kissing Zoe Murphy. He had dreamed of this moment since 7th grade, when he had seen her dropped off by her father, her hair in pigtails, pink high top converse and purple dress twirling about her. Her lips tasted of sugar, like she had just finished eating a piece of cake or cotton candy. Her touch was tentative, hesitant, as if she wasn’t entirely convinced she knew how Evan would react. Her hand slid down his arm to meet his and she played with his fingers, even as their eyes were closed. 

Evan did not want to pull away.

Even as he wondered at the fact that is was _Zoe_ who had chosen him, Zoe who was making his heart beat and his head spin, he felt his arms move of their own accord and circle around her, pulling her closer. She was startled, shocked at his boldness, but she melted into his kiss, deepening it, growing warmer with every second that passed. Evan let his lips move against hers, not sure how he knew exactly what to do. It was instinct; second nature. He did not need to be taught how to kiss her, how to touch her so that she would continue kissing him back. He let his body take over, and told his mind to stop thinking for once, god dammit, and let him enjoy this moment before it was gone forever, and everything came crashing down around him. 

Eventually, Evan became too warm to be bundled up any longer, and he pulled away from Zoe, gently, their lips parting with a delightful sound. His breath was heavy and her eyes looked tired, as if she had just awoke from a deep sleep. He stood up and took of his gloves and coat, holding them in front of him, his arms wrapped protectively around his body. Zoe took his lead and stood up next, leaning in to hug him from behind. 

“You’re a miracle, Evan Hansen. I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have you.”

Now that the passion of their moment was over, Evan felt her words sting him like a wasp to the neck. He had made everything worse, so much worse, and all it took was a kiss.

“I don’t deserve you, Zoe.”

She pulled away, stepping down the bleachers so that she was in front of him now, instead of behind. 

“You’ll change your mind about that someday.”

“Maybe.” 

“Thank you, Evan, for everything. I’ll see you Thursday?”

“Yeah…Thursday.” And he watched her walk away, but not until she had placed one more tender kiss to his swollen lips.

He tried to ignore the taste of his deceit as she pulled away, but it was too strong to ignore.

She would never forgive him for this. She would hate him forever when she found out what a careless, selfish liar had had been to her this entire time. Then she would finally understand howhe didn’t deserve her after all.

 

 

 

That night, Evan sat in his room alone, chores and homework completely done for the week. He decided, since he had zero to no desire to spend time with either Connor or Zoe, he would spend the night working on getting ahead in school. He had actually done so many extra chores that when his mom came home, she literally had nothing left to do.

“My god, Evan! This place looks amazing!” she had said. Evan smiled, trying his best to hide how he was feeling. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Relax. You rarely get to come home and just sit.”

She had looked at him with that proud mother look in her eyes and pulled him into a big bear hug. “You are the best son a mom could ask for, you know that?” Evan nodded in assent, but remained silent. Heidi then proceeded to do what she loved, when work was not an issue; make a cup of tea and finish a crossword puzzle. Evan had then snuck off to his room where he finished all his homework for the day, and the next 2 days. After 9 o’clock, Heidi came in to check on him, a bowl of sorbet in hand.

“I got your favorite, lemon!” She sat down next to him on the floor, the two leaning up against his bed, feet on the pillows in front of them.

“Thanks,” Evan said, grabbing the bowl and taking a nice, icy bite.

“Whatcha been doing in here all night?” She grabbed one of his textbooks and flipped through the pages. “Chemistry huh? Looks exciting.” She was obviously joking and Evan smiled a bit.

“It’s thrilling,” he teased back. “I’m so into it I did the next 2 chapters ahead of time.”

“Sweetie, are you doing this because I got mad at you the other day? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have freaked out, I know. You always catch up in the end.”

“It’s okay, mom.”

“What’s bothering you then, honey? You aren’t yourself, and don’t lie to me because I can always tell when my boy isn’t doing good.”

“Zoe…Zoe invited me over to her house for dinner on Thursday to meet her parents.”

“Evan, that’s wonderful! You don’t have anything to worry about. Especially if Connor is there you should feel right at home.”

“Yeah,” Evan choked. “I know. I’m just anxious is all. I want them to like me,” he lied.

“They will. Just be yourself.”

“I’ll try.”

Heidi stood up and took away their bowls. “It’s late, you should get in bed okay? I don’t like you staying up past ten on school nights.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“And Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She left with the dishes and closed the door gently behind her. Evan began to get ready for bed, brushing his teeth and getting undressed when suddenly his phone went off, not from a text, but an actual call. He reached for it and the screen showed Connor Murphy’s name. He slid to accept the call and immediately started talking.

“What’s wrong? You never call me unless it’s urgent.”

“It’s important,” he heard Connor say over the line. “I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Are you okay? Do I need to come get you from somewhere? Are you in trouble?”

“No, Evan, stop. I’m fine. God, let me talk.”

“Sorry.” Evan continued to brush his teeth as Connor continued.

“Zoe came home tonight and told us that her boyfriend had agreed to come over Thursday night for dinner so he could meet us all.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, and I’m only slightly freaking out about it, can’t you tell?” Connor was practically yelling on the other end. 

“Sorry! I guess I don’t know why you’re telling me this.”

“I don’t know, I thought you’d have some comforting words of advice for me or something. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should be there for it, or just avoid the horrible situation altogether. A family dinner with my parents and Zoe and some mystery guy sounds like a total psycho nightmare to me.”

“M-maybe you should just head out that night and stay away from it then, if it would upset you too much. You’ve been doing so good lately, I’d hate for you to get worked up in front of your family over something like this.”

“Yeah, well I guess I could go somewhere…I just feel like I’ve got to be there to find out if he’s some big douche or not. What if he’s awful but my parents don’t see it? What if it’s someone from school who I know is an asshole who would take advantage of Zoe or something?”

“I didn’t realize you cared about Zoe that much.”

“I might not love my sister to death or anything, but I have no desire to see her in a bad relationship that would ruin her high school life. Boys are ruthless, they could eat her alive. Zoe’s a shit, but not even she deserves that.”

“Well, if you have to be there then you need to do whatever you have to to make sure you’re as calm and comfortable in the situation as possible.”

“Yeah…you’re right,” the other end of the line went quiet as Connor thought. “I have it. I know what I can do.”

“What’s that?” Evan asked, and for some reason, he felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach.

“You can come over too.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect. I’ve been keeping you from my family too, just like Zoe’s been hiding this boy from us. I’m tired of them thinking I’m incapable of making any friends, of being heartless and unloveable, so if you come, I’ll get to prove to them that those things aren’t true and I’m doing better. And then I won’t have to be alone when I meet Zoe’s boyfriend. You’ll be there to keep me calm and rational so I don’t go psycho on this guy.”

Evan didn’t reply. He couldn’t speak. He had absolutely no words.

“Evan? Are you okay? Can you not come over that night?”

“I m-mean, I had plans…”

“Fuck it, Hansen. I have to have you there. You mean…you’re the only person I have. If you can’t help me out, no one will. It’ll be the 4 of them against me, and I’ll lose it. I know I will. I don’t want to freak out in front of them anymore. I want to prove I’m better. I’m not like the old me anymore.”

“Connor, I-“

“I won’t let you tell me no, you little shit. You have to come.”

“Connor…”

They waited for the other person to speak, but this only resulted in a longer silence that made Evan weak in the knees.

“You don’t really need me there…” Evan was grasping at straws. He was going to be there, one way or another, whether Zoe asked him or Connor or both. They would both get what they wanted, but it would be so far from what they had been desiring for the evening.

“I do, Evan. I need you. You’re the only thing holding me together right now.”

His words were crushing. Soon, and Evan knew this with one hundred percent certainty, he would be the thing that tore Connor apart, all over again.

“Of course, I’ll come.”

“You’re a lifesaver, Hansen. I owe you.”

_I’m the thing that’s going to kill you_ , Evan thought. And oh, how he would kill himself too, when he had to see that day pass.

 

 

 

After Connor hung up, Evan curled up under the covers, wishing as hard as he could that the night would envelope him and he would never have to wake up. But that is not how wishes work. He could no more escape his fate than he could escape the tide ebbing and flowing every day. The words from his radio droning on and on as the notes carried him into a restless sleep, full of nightmares where he lost both Connor and Zoe, in a single day, and everything he had was taken away from him. Except, this was not a dream,

It was a premonition.

 

 

_Until now, I knew this of myself_

_That if you had thrown yourself down_

_Into the lion's den_

_My brother I'd follow you in_

_Perhaps I lack some foresight (should have known)_

_Brother you were so right_

_Sure as the setting sun_

_Can't trust just anyone_

_That's what you want, but it's not what you're asking for_

_I said that's what you're asking, but you're gonna get more than you bargained for_

_I said that's what you had, but you don't have it any more_

_You had it coming_

_I never imagined you dead (I never)_

_But tell me, are you even aware_

_That all that we did, you undo_

_Iscariot, you fool_

_That's what you want, but it's not what you're asking for_

_I said that's what you're asking, but you're gonna get more than you bargained for_

_I said that's what you had, but you don't have it any more_

_You had it coming_

_Oh you know you had it coming my friend, my friend_

 


	12. "Promise Me You'll Never Leave Me"

Evan opened his eyes.

It was Thursday.

Today was the day that started the nightmare that would become the rest of his life. He thought of running away; of getting in his car and driving until he hit California and then keep on driving until he hit Mexico, and he’d keep going on and on until he was met with the ocean, and he’d drive right into the water and let his car drag him to the bottom of the sea. All of that sounded better than facing Zoe and Connor’s anger when he showed up at their house tonight.

That was the thing, too. What was even the point of going tonight? They’d figure it out and be just as mad at him if he didn’t show up at all. It would have the same effect, but at least then he wouldn’t have to look them in the eyes and see his sin reflecting back at him. He wanted to have a chance to explain his reasoning to them. He went back and forth between who would be easier to talk to, Connor or Zoe? Connor would blow up, for sure, but at least he wouldn’t cry like Zoe would. If Zoe started crying, Evan knew he would too, and the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of other people at someone else’s house. 

He grabbed his phone. He’d text Connor and ask to talk at school that day. He’d tell him ahead of time what was going on, and if he freaked out, well then at least that was one less person he wouldn’t have to face later.

 

_Hey, can we talk later? I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you._

Connor was quick to reply.

_yeh, when/where?_

_lunch? and idk somewhere where_

_we can be alone._

_yeah, how about the news lab?_

_No one goes there at lunch_

_Okay. see ya then._

 

 

 

At lunch, Evan made it to the news lab _way_ before Connor. He sat in one of the empty chairs and stared at his food but didn’t touch it. Eventually, after it was obvious to him that he wasn’t going to be eating it at all, he zipped his lunch bag and slipped it inside his backpack.  The snow had ceased since the other day, and now the sky was simply grey and cloudy. It looked like it might rain, or if it did snow, it would be an icy slush rather than the more desirable white fluff. Evan was leaning against the window sill, watching the clouds drift by, wishing for the summer before; the summer before he got tangled up with Zoe and Connor and made this huge mess out of his life. Suddenly, he was startled by the sound of the door opening, and Connor slipping in, shutting it quietly and quickly behind him.

“Hey,” Evan said, his voice cracking accidentally.

“Hey,” Connor said back, stepping into the room and taking a look around. “This place is always empty at lunch, and always a mess.” He picked up a piece of paper which looked like a scrap newspaper that the boys of the club had decided against. “God, they need help with their headlines. Listen to this one ‘winter formal making steam; cold outside, hot inside’. What the actual fuck.” Evan didn’t laugh, though if he had been paying attention he might have. He was, however, far too distracted by the fact that Connor and him were here alone, and no one knew where they were. He was caught staring at Connor, and the other boy smirked, making Evan blush furiously and quickly glance away. “What did you want to talk to me about?” Connor asked.

Evan took a deep breath and stepped closer to Connor, away from the window. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, for quite a while, actually. I’ve just been having a hard time finding the right way to say it and at the right time.”

“And what makes now the right time, as opposed to…tomorrow? Or yesterday?” Connor put down the paper and took another step closer. Evan looked down, the toes of their shoes were almost touching, but their bodies leaned back, farther apart.

“I wanted to tell you now, before tonight.”

“You’re still coming over, right?”

“Connor, I don’t think I can. Like, I’m not busy or unavailable or anything but I don’t think I can stand there before you and your family and not know what to say…not knowing how I feel.”

“How do you feel?” The question came out of Connor’s throat in a hoarse whisper. He wasn’t sure where Evan was going with this. He had a guess but he had been wrong before, and god, he wasn’t going to fuck up like he had in the past. So he waited, making sure to ask Evan just what he was getting at before assuming anything.

“I feel…” Evan’s vision blurred slightly, and he had to take a deep breath to keep his body from toppling over. “I feel like I’m going to be sick, actually.”

“Here, do you want to sit down?” Connor ran over to grab a chair and Evan gratefully fell into it, Connor keeping his hands on his shoulders as he sat, not convinced that Evan wouldn’t still double over.

“Thanks.” Evan wrapped his arms around the back of the chair, and took another breath before continuing with “I haven’t been honest with you. I’m so afraid to tell you the truth because you might not understand, you might hate me forever and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I’ve never had a friend before, and I don’t want to screw up and lose that. I can’t risk losing you as a friend.”

Connor felt his heart start pumping faster, it started to feel as if it might leap out of his chest. He kneeled down next to Evan, trying to look into his face, but Evan avoided his gaze. “You can be a little shit, Hansen, but you’re not going to lose me. You’re stuck with me now, and no matter how badly you think you can screw up…I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. You’ve got to trust me. Tell me what’s going on. What you say you’re…feeling.”

Evan stood up, slowly, if a bit shaky, but he managed to take a few steps back towards the window. He looked out at the street, the other kids sitting, chatting, eating their lunches even though it was nearly below freezing. “I can’t come over tonight not knowing where we stand when I walk through that door. I have to know that when I leave, I’ll leave with you by my side. I have to know I won’t lose you. I wouldn’t be able to live if I thought you’d hate me.”

“Stop saying that, Evan. Why do you think I’d hate you?” Connor looked over at Evan and his eyes locked on his lips. Those damn lips that he had spent what felt like a million years staring at, with a dark, silent wanting. “Why do you think I’ll leave you?”

Evan trembled slightly. His body ached, like his muscles might give out and he wouldn’t be able to stand up on his own any longer. He could feel the tears start to prick the backs of his eyes. He willed himself with all his strength not to cry, not in front of Connor, not now. “Because all this time you’ve been calling me your best friend and doing all these nice things for me and I can’t let you do those things any longer, I can’t take hearing you say we’re friends when I don’t deserve it, when I know you’ll hate me when I tell you what I’ve…” In one stride, Connor was in front of him, hands on Evan’s shoulders, and he took his mouth with a hard, violent desperation that could hardly be called a kiss. Evan stumbled backwards and slammed against one of the long tables in the classroom.Even though the force made them both fumble, Connor didn’t let go, but kept his lips on Evan’s and sought what he couldn’t ask for with words. 

Evan was shocked. This, this was everything kissing Zoe was not. Where Zoe was all soft curves and gentle caresses, Connor was hard, breathless, and frantic. He kissed Evan like he could save him from drowning. Evan, not realizing what he was doing - not comprehending the huge mistake he was making - let his own lips part and kissed Connor back. It felt easy, like it was always meant to be. Connor slowed down, almost moaning, as Evan’s lips moved against his. Evan hadn't resisted, and that was enough to make Connor lose all sense of time, reason, or moral. He knew, in this moment, this was the right choice. Evan was the best decision he had ever made. He filled every sense Connor had. The smell of his cologne, the feel of his body pressed against his, the way he was shorter and smaller and more delicate. He felt Evan harden against him and it made Connor go mad with desire. Then, Evan did something remarkable. He reached a hand up and cupped it behind Connor’s neck, dark, tousled hair gripped between his fingers. He pulled, ever so slightly, causing Connor to press harder into the kiss. Evan made a noise in the back of his throat and his lips parted, gasping for air, causing Connor to pull away.

“Evan,” Connor tried to speak but realized he had nothing to say. No words could fill the space their bodies were ready to fill. 

“Connor, I’ve never…I don’t know…I’ve never wanted anything more than I want to be with you. It’s the only thing I’m sure of in this entire mess I’ve made of my life.” Connor caught the blush that passed across Evan’s cheeks. He had never spoken the truth so plainly before, but Evan wished he had done it more, done it sooner. It felt so natural to tell Connor this now, and in this way. Connor began to press forward again, but Evan stopped him with a look. “Promise me,” he said. “Promise me no matter what happens tonight, you’ll never leave me.”

“I swear to god, Evan. You’re the only thing keeping me alive,” and then their lips were together again, hotter and more frantic than before. 

Evan reached for Connor’s jacket and unzipped it with a force that made Connor gasp. He quickly shrugged it off before grabbing Evan by the waist and lifting him up onto the table; pencils, papers, and rulers fluttering to the ground in the chaos. Connor went to unbutton Evan’s shirt, but after fumbling with the tiny white buttons he quickly grew anxious. Clutching both sides of the fabric between his hands, Connor ripped it apart with a loud tear. The cold air tickled Evan’s skin and made him shiver, but not nearly the way it did when Connor’s hands wrapped around his bare waist. Connor’s long, thin fingers slid up Evan’s body to his shoulder blades where they roughly gripped at his skin, leaving dark, red marks in their wake. His lips moved from Evan’s mouth to his cheek to his ear to his neck, where Connor began to suck on the delicate skin just below Evan’s collar bone. He heard Evan give a little gasping moan as his body fell down onto the table, dragging Connor down on top of him. The desire was so intense, Connor thought for a brief moment that this feeling was better than any drug he had ever tried. This was a high that would last him for weeks, and Evan was the key. As long as he had Evan, he would always be clean. 

He propped himself over Evan, bringing a knee up onto the table, his arms on either side of Evan’s body. Evan reached up and gripped Connor’s black t-shirt, the two of them managing to tug it over his head so Evan could trace lines across Connor’s chest. What was this magic he was feeling? Evan didn’t know he could feel like this, so brave and strong and powerful. Connor was his in this moment, and Evan had never held someone’s heart like that before. It was addicting. This is what it must feel like to be someone with no social anxiety, no depression, no fear. It was what he had always wanted. Evan didn't feel an ounce nervous, not even as his hands trailed down Connor’s body to his waist where his small fingers began to furiously undo the belt that wrapped around Connor’s hips. Connor’s hands moved in a flash, stopping Evan before he could finish. 

“I know we’re half naked right now, but I will remind you we are at school and that door is not locked, nor can it be locked.”

Evan blushed, shyly pulling his hands away. “I’m s-sorry, I know, I don’t know what got into me.”

“I do,” Connor teased, a roguish smile playing upon his lips. He leaned back down over Evan and placed another kiss to his mouth, this time soft and sensitive, with a little bite to his bottom lip at the end. Evan let out another moan and Connor put a finger to his mouth. “God, you’re a noisy one, I’d never have guessed it.”

“Bite me.”

Connor looked confused. “What?” 

“I said…I said bite me again.”

Connor didn’t verbally reply, but merely let his head fall close to Evan’s as his lips travelled their way to his ear where he began to gently nibble on the earlobe. Evan reached out and gripped Connor’s arms, his finger nails digging sharply into the pale, freckled skin. Soon Connor couldn’t take the noises Evan was making any longer, so he shifted back to the boy’s lips where they moved with a desperation that made his lungs feel like he were running a marathon. 

Connor climbed up onto the table completely and pressed his body down onto Evan. Even then, Evan felt like it wasn’t close enough. He wanted them to be closer, he wanted no layers between him and this tall, troubled boy who made him feel like his entire body was on fire. He reached up and cupped Connor’s face with his hands, lips bruised from kissing. He took Connor’s bottom lip between his teeth and sucked, hard, until Connor pulled away with a gasp. “God, Hansen, where did you learn to kiss like this? I thought you said you’d never been kissed before?”

_I thought you said you’d never been kissed before._

And in that moment, all of reality came flooding back to him in a horrifying tidal wave. Zoe, and him, their kiss, the bleachers, dinner tonight, Connor on top of him, the lies, the deceit, the nightmare to come, the dance, the concert, his lies, lies, lies…

It felt like someone had punched him in the stomach and the wind had been knocked out of him. Evan pushed Connor away and quickly managed to wiggle out from under him. He slid off the table, reaching for his shirt where he woefully surveyed the damaged fabric, unable to be fixed. On the ground he saw the buttons, strewn about like flower petals. He slipped the shirt on, awkwardly trying to tie it closed, but it was too tight. He started to huff and pace back and forth as he gathered his backpack and began picking up the papers and pencils they had knocked over in their passion. As he bent over to clean up, the tears that had been hiding just behind his eyes before came flooding down his cheeks. He hiccuped, signaling to Connor that what might have been fine before was not fine any longer. Connor grabbed his t-shirt and put it back on, then handed his hoodie to Evan. 

“Here, wear it. You can zip it up to hide your shirt.”

Evan sniffled, taking the hoodie from Connor. “Thanks.”

“Evan…what’s wrong? Did I -“

“You didn’t do anything.” Evan slipped the hoodie on and zipped it up, all the way to the top, his white shirt collar and cuffs peeking out. “I need to go.”

“Evan, we should probably talk about -“

“The bell is about to ring,” and as if on cue, it did.

“I don’t care about class, dammit Hansen. I care about making sure you’re okay.”

“I already said I was fine.” Evan’s voice was getting shorter and snippier by the sentence, and Connor could easily hear the emotional door Evan was closing on him. 

“Fine, we can talk about it later tonight.”

Evan didn’t reply.

“Fuck, Evan, you’re the one who was freaking out about losing me, now you’re the one shutting me out. What happened? One second everything was…fine, and now it’s not? Tell me what’s wrong.”

Still, Evan remained silent.

“Fine, you know what?” Connor grabbed his bag from the floor and angrily swung it over his shoulder. “Fuck you, Hansen. You go ahead and shut me out; then at least you’re the only one you’ll have to blame if you _do_ lose me. I only have so much patience, and you already know it’s paper thin as it is. I get this is all…new and weird for you, so I’ll let you think about it alone for now, but if you can’t talk to me about it tonight then I don't know why I’m wasting my time on you. All I was trying to do was show you I lov-…” Connor stopped. He _made_ himself stop before he’d say something he’d regret speaking to soon. “See you later, Hansen.” And with that, he stormed out of the room without another look back.

Evan was still crying, listening to the halls outside the door quiet down as classes continued. He didn’t leave the room yet but skipped his next class instead. Wearing Connor’s hoodie made him feel like he’d be under a microscope out there, where everyone else could see. Instead, he went to the locker room where he found a spare jersey he threw on for net period instead. However, instead of returning the hoodie to Connor, he shoved it to the bottom of his backpack, silently swearing that he would never give it back again.

After all, it would be the only thing he’d have left to remember Connor by, after tonight.


	13. United Through Pain

5 o’clock came around without much warning. It is remarkable how things you dread seem to creep up on you so fast, whereas things you are looking forward to take ages to commence. Evan felt as if the last week went by in a blur. At this point, his mind was so muddled from it all that he only could recall bits and pieces of the moments that had passed. When his mom got home he told her he’d be back in a little while, he just had to stop off at the Murphy’s to return something of Connor’s.

“I thought tonight was the night you were staying over for dinner? Did that get cancelled?”

“Yeah, actually. They leave for vacation tomorrow and Mr. and Mrs. Murphy said they weren’t as prepared as they thought they were to leave, so they had to rebook. I’m sure I’ll go over sometime after they get back.” This was not true. Evan would not be going over again.

“Well that’s a bummer. Say hi to Connor and Zoe for me.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a little while.” Evan grabbed his keys and zipped up his raincoat, as he noticed a soft drizzle was beginning to creep down their windows. When he stepped outside he did indeed have to put up his hood. _Well, at least the weather matches my mood_ , he thought depressingly to himself.

He took the long way to the Murphy home. Although it was already on the other side of town, Evan wound around the backside, through the rolling hills that dotted the valley they lived in. He liked to see the trees and open fields littered with cows, horses, and sheep. It made him feel at peace normally, but today it wasn’t working as much. When he finally pulled up to their two story Victorian-esque style house, he sat in the car letting the engine run for a while, the heater blasting in an attempts to drown out his noisy thoughts. After he became too warm to remain still any longer, Evan removed the key and stepped out into the quickly hastening rain. He trudged up the stairs to their front door thinking about the fact that he’d never actually stepped inside their house, even though he’d been outside it on several occasions. When he reached the front door he avoided the doorbell and chose to knock instead. Evan had always had this weird phobia of ringing door bells. He had looked it up once. It’s called kampanaphobia; the fear of bells. He didn’t know where it stemmed from but it had always been a thing that came along with his anxiety.

A mere four seconds after knocking, the door was flung open and a smiling Zoe Murphy was presented before him. “Hey! You’re here. Come on inside. My parents aren’t quite here yet, they’re picking up a few last minute things for our trip.”

“Actually…I’m not staying.”

Zoe looked hurt, and slightly confused. “I don’t get it…why didn’t you say anything at school? Talk about last minute, Evan.”

“I’m sorry, I know I should have.”

“Is everything okay? I think we’re close enough for me to say this, but you don’t look so good.”

“I’m…I’m not. I’m definitely not okay. I came here because I need to talk to you, alone. Can you come outside -“ Evan was interrupted by the sound of another voice joining the conversation, one he knew all to well. 

“Jesus, Z, don’t stand with the door open. You’re going to let all the cold air in, what the fu -“ That’s when Connor Murphy appeared over her shoulder and his eyes locked on Evan. “Hey, you’re here!”

“Yeah… I’m -“

“Connor this is Evan, from school.” Zoe piped in, a slight frown to her face.

“Yeah, I know…” Connor’s eyebrows furrowed together as he looked back and forth between Evan and his sister. “How do you know Evan?” he asked.

“Connor…” Zoe took a breath before calmly replying, “Evan is who I invited over tonight. He’s my boyfriend.”

They all froze.

You could cut through that silence with a knife.

“Oh.” Connor’s eyes threw daggers at Evan, and without any words Evan could see the wall he immediately built up between them. 

“I’m sorry,” Zoe finally butted in. “I’m not sure what’s going on right now. Evan why don’t you step inside please, so we can shut the door.”

“Yeah, Evan,” Connor snapped. “Why don’t you come inside, stay for a while.”

Evan’s eyes went wide, the anger he felt radiating off Connor already beginning to terrify him. “I c-can’t…”

“Just for a little, Ev,” Zoe said sweetly, although she would soon lose that tone after Connor was through with his fun. “Please?”

“O-okay. But just for a second, I told my mom I’d be home soon.”

“I’ll give her a call for you,” Connor said. “Let her know you’ll be a little late.”

Zoe looked over at her brother, confused by his words. Scoffing, she said, “Leave him alone, Connor. You’ve just met him and you’re already going to scare him away.” The three of them stepped inside and Connor slammed the door behind him. “God, Connor!” Zoe snarled. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Scare him away?” Connor ignored Zoe’s outburst and continued to stare Evan down, even though he was speaking to her. “Zoe, don’t you know it’s my job as your older brother to make sure your boyfriend isn’t some good for nothing liar?”

“Connor! Stop it!” 

“Why? Don’t you want to make sure you’re with a good guy? I’m sure I could find out if there’s anything he hasn’t told you, right Evan?” Connor was standing stock still, the only part of his body moving was his mouth. “I mean, honesty is definitely the best policy, as they say.”

Evan wanted to sink into the ground. He hated seeing them fight like this, hated seeing the confused look on Zoe’s face as she watched her brother pinning him into an emotional corner. Zoe looked to Evan, her beautiful, soft face beginning to contort into frustration. “Evan, what’s he talking about? What’s going on? Why do I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me?”

“C-Connor and I know each other, this isn’t the first time we’ve met. That’s what I was coming here to try and tell you.”

Zoe was confused. If her brother and Evan knew each other, then why was Connor being so hostile towards him? It didn’t look as if they were friends, not by the way Connor was acting, and the way he looked deeply and painfully hurt. She knew he felt that way because his face was reflecting what she was beginning to feel grow inside her own heart. “O-okay… then how well do you know each other, exactly?” she asked. Zoe could already tell she wouldn’t like the answer she’d receive.

“Yeah, Evan, tell Zoe how _close_ we really are.” The two of them stood staring at Evan, side by side, united for once in this one cause; to find out what the hell Evan was playing at. When he remained silent, staring down at his shoes, Zoe squeaked out one more pleading “Evan?” before Connor lost it and blurted out, “Evan is who I invited over tonight, Zoe.”

“What do you mean?” she asked. “ _I’m_ the one who invited him over. This dinner was so Mom and Dad could meet him before the dance.”

“Yeah, and do you remember me saying how I was inviting a friend over too? And how you all looked at me like I was insane like ‘how the hell could Connor Murphy have any friends’?” Connor was towering over her, leaning in with each word. “Well Evan is who I was talking about. He’s who I’ve been hanging out with ever since the beginning of school. He’s why I’m never home, he’s why I was doing better, he’s…” He turned to Evan then and looked almost sad. “He’s everything I was ever wrong about.”

“Evan,” Zoe turned to him, tears in the back of her eyes. “Is this true? Why didn’t you just tell me you and Connor were friends?”

“I don’t know…”

“Oh that’s not all, Zoe,” Connor began pacing back and forth in the thin entryway. “Now would be a great time to tell her that you also intended to stand her up the night of the winter formal to go to the concert with me. Or would it have been the other way around? Would you have stood me up to go out with her? Huh?” Connor couldn’t contain himself and grabbed Evan by the sleeve and pulled him up to his level, "Whose heart were you going to break first, Evan?”

“You said you were going to go to the concert with Connor?” Zoe had come up into the tousle and made Connor put Evan down by pulling his hand away from Evan’s arm. “I gave up those tickets when you asked me to go to the dance with you.” She was starting to cry, and just like Evan said to himself earlier, the moment he saw Zoe begin to cry, he too felt the tears just behind the walls of his eyes, ready to spill over on cue. But then, Zoe did something unexpected; she stopped looking at Evan and turned to her brother, a fire in her eyes that Evan had never seen before. “How do I know you’re not making this all up?” she interrogated Connor. “You’ve lied before, you’ve been like this before; psycho, insane, furious at every boy I’ve ever brought over. You’re just going through the motions. Evan wouldn’t do that to me! He wouldn’t hurt me like that. He’s done nothing but be good to me. I have no reason to believe he’s a liar, whereas I have every reason to _know_ you are!” She was right up in his grill, standing on her toes so they were at eye level to each other. 

Connor didn’t skip a beat before saying, “Oh yeah? You think _I’m_ lying? Fine, then why don’t you stop asking _me_ questions? Evan is the one you should be interrogating right now, not me. Why don’t you ask him about what happened between us this afternoon? Go ahead, Evan. If you have nothing to hide, then you should have no problem telling her exactly what I’m talking about.”

“What h-happened, Evan?” Zoe turned to him, trying to remain positive, but she had a sinking feeling that this time, maybe she was on the wrong side of the fight. 

Evan didn’t know how to say it. He had cheated on Zoe, with her own brother, and there was no easy way around it. He had not only cheated, but neither of them had been aware of it. “I…” he tried. He tried so hard to get it out, “I …” 

Connor had had enough. He pushed Evan with enough force that he lost his footing and slammed into the front door, his elbow painfully hitting the doorknob, sending a jolt of electric shock up his arm. Connor then grabbed Evan by the collar and pressed him hard into the wood, their faces mere inches away from each other. “You lousy motherfucker! How could you possibly think we wouldn’t find out. How long did you think you could keep playing at this. Who do you fucking love Evan? Who is it? I’ll answer that for you; you don’t love anyone else but yourself. If you really loved Zoe, you wouldn’t have cheated on her with me!”

Evan caught a glance at Zoe over Connor’s shoulders and that was it. She had lost it. Tears ran down her face in buckets; she hiccuped as she cried; her face contorted into a look of utter disappointment. It was as if someone had taken a knife to his heart and cut it straight in half. He couldn’t breath. He began to feel is breath shorten, his palms became sweaty, and his vision started to blur. He was on the verge of an anxiety attack and all he prayed was that he wouldn’t pass out right then and there. 

“Evan, what did you do?” This wasn’t really a question, it was more Zoe trying to wrap her head around the fact that everything she had come to believe was a lie. “You didn’t…please tell me you didn’t do that.”

Evan could not affirm or deny it, and as always, he let the silence speak for him. Connor finally let go, practically throwing Evan to the ground in his haste to step away. He turned his back to them both, pacing back and forth behind them. Zoe came up next to where Evan was, forcing him with her eyes to look at her long enough that she could show him just how hurt she really was. When he finally looked up, his tears reflecting her own, Zoe pulled back her hand and slapped him, hard, across the cheek. The sound echoed throughout the empty house and Connor’s head whipped back to see what had happened. Evan’s face exploded in pain, redness soon covering the entire left side of his face. He didn’t reach for it but merely took the pain knowing it was exactly what he deserved. 

With a shaky breath, Zoe said, “Boys like you are the reason I’ve never dated anyone before.” 

And oh, how those words stung. 

“Get out of my house.” Zoe Murphy pushed Evan aside so she could open the door and waited for Evan to leave. He stood there, pleading with both Connor and Zoe with his eyes; just hoping they could see that he hadn’t meant any harm. He had never, ever meant for this to become such a nightmare. But hoping was going to do him no good at this point. This was the end, and he had seen it coming from the beginning. How on earth could he have possibly thought this would end any other way? He stepped outside, the rain had started pouring since their time inside, and all he could think about was stepping out into it and letting himself drown. When he was just inches beyond the threshold, Zoe slammed the door in his face, the thud ringing in his ears as he saw the wall close between him and the only two people he had ever come to truly love in his entire life. He trudged down the steps, the rain washing over him in chilling waves, soaking through his clothes and into his bones. He stood outside his car, not opening it to get in, but throwing his face upon it, harrowing sobs choking his throat as he cried out into the dead silent night. 

Then suddenly, he saw a light reflected through his car window, and turned around to find Connor coming out of the front door and into the rain. Evan didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be slapped by Zoe and then get the shit beaten out of him by her brother. Connor came to where he was standing and Evan flinched instinctively, but Connor made no move to hit him. When he looked up, he saw that Connor did not look angry or sad, but rather, he looked drained. He looked as if someone had sucked the life force right out of his body and left him to dissolve into dust that would blow away on the very slightest puff of air.

“I can’t believe you didn't tell me,” he said. “If you would have told me -“

“I would have lost you,” Evan interrupted. “All this time I’ve been trying to figure out how I felt about you. I didn’t think it was possible to love two people the same, and I’m not saying that makes any of this okay, or saying that it’s even possible, but I thought it, for a while. I thought I could have you both, in different ways. But then I started to realize that what I wanted was to be with you, and to just be friends with Zoe. But I could tell how she cared for me and I just didn’t know how to go about -“

“Breaking her heart? You did that, Evan. You fucking did it.” 

“I didn’t want to.”

“Bullshit. Then you wouldn’t have done it.” 

“I didn’t want to hurt anyone.” 

“You broke mine too.” 

Evan had never once thought that Connor was capable of having his heart broken. But why was he surprised? Connor was a person, not a thing, and he had a heart just like Zoe, just like anyone else. Evan had broken all trust, all friendship, all love that was building - that had built - between them. And it might not ever rebuild again. 

“I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time, Hansen. You can say as many words as you want to but all I’m ever going to hear are lies. I have no reason to ever trust you again. I know I talk about how much I hate Zoe, how much she’s hurt me in the past, but there’s no way I would ever intentionally hurt her the way you caused me to hurt her. How am I ever going to salvage our relationship now? For all I know, she’s never going to speak to me again, thanks to you.” Connor’s words came out in hoarse whispers. Evan had never seen Connor emotional before, but this was as close to crying as he had ever been; choked up and shallow breath. “I…I loved you, Evan.”

It was as if Connor had taken a hammer and smashed it into Evan’s chest. Those words knocked the air straight out of him, and he had to hold the side mirror of his car to keep his knees from buckling out from underneath him.

“But now,” Connor continued, “if I ever see you so much as look at my sister again, I swear to god you will wish you were dead. Stay away from my family, and stay away from me.” And with that, Connor turned on his heel and headed back up the steps to his house. Evan called after him, in a last attempt to convey his remorse.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Connor,” Evan called out. 

Connor stopped, but did not turn around.

“I already wish I were dead.”

Connor’s head moved as if he might look back at Evan, but after a moment’s reflection, he decided to keep staring straight ahead, and put as much distance between himself and Evan Hansen as he possibly could. He had already done it emotionally, now he just had to do it physically. 

Watching Connor walk away forever as the hardest thing Evan ever had to do. After his silhouette disappeared behind the door, Evan got in his car and slammed his head on the steering wheel until he felt the skin break and a thin line of blood trickled down his nose. How could he have done this to Zoe, to Connor? What possibly could be worse than losing the love of your life and someone you could have been best friends with, all in one day? He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. Underneath his eyelids, he saw earlier that afternoon dance before his eyes. Connor’s hands on his body, their clothes on the floor. The heat that radiated off their skin. He touched his lips and felt Connor’s there again, how they moved against his own, rough like sandpaper, yet sweet like molasses. He would give anything, _anything_ , to feel Connor’s body pressed against his own right now. Would he ever know what that felt like again?

 

 

 

 

Connor stepped back inside the house and found it to be eerily quite. Their parents were still not home yet, and Zoe had vanished, probably up to her room where she would be crying into a pillow, maybe screaming for all he knew. He carefully, quietly, climbed the stairs and stopped outside her door which had a hand-painted sign that read her name, one she had made in 3rd grade and had never taken down. He put his ear to the door, listening to see if he could hear her on the other side, but there was only silence. He rapped once, then again, before slowly turning the knob to open it. 

She was there, sitting on her bed, her knees curled up to her chest, eyes puffy and red, cheeks tear-stained. She didn’t even flinch as Connor stepped inside her room, an act that normally would have had her screaming at him to “get out”. He sat down next to her on the bed, pink ruffles a stark contrast against the black clothing he wore. He didn’t quite know what to say at this moment. He didn’t want to jump straight into defending himself, because that didn’t feel right. He would be okay; he wasn’t the one who had been cheated on, although he _was_ a member of the act, it was not committed against himself. Zoe was in an entirely different position, and it was her that needed comforting, not him. 

“Zoe,” but he didn’t get to finish before she hastily butted in with, “It’s okay, Connor. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t feel awful. And I do. I never would have hurt you like this on purpose, I swear to god. I’m sure you don’t believe that, but I have to say it.”

“I believe you. You’re not the one I’m mad at.”

“Evan fucked up.”

“I hate him.”

“Me too.”

She did turn to look at him then, her face held a smirk that was so uncommon of her. “I don’t think you do.”

“Of course I do, I’ve never been more furious at anyone in my entire life.”

“Besides me and our parents?”

“That’s different and you know it. God, I want to punch Evan in the fucking throat. I can’t believe he led us on like that. I just wish…I wish he hadn't let me…”

Zoe put her hands in her lap, twiddling with the cuffs of her jeans; the stars she had written in pen fading slowly from being thrown in the wash over and over. “Did you really hook up with him?”

“We didn’t…” Connor, flustered and upset, began running his fingers through his hair, an OCD habit that he had gained in the last two years. “We just kissed.”

“He kissed me, too.” Zoe was beginning to cry again, against her will, as the last person she wanted to cry in front of was her lousy, older brother. “I thought he loved me.”

“He doesn’t deserve you, Zoe. Fuck, it’s so unfair that you, you of all people, who have been so patient and dedicated about waiting till you met the right guy, and you happened to stumble upon that piece of shit.” 

“Life is unfair…I’ve learned that the hard way. I’m sorry for you too, though,” Zoe took a huge risk and placed a gentle hand on her brother’s shoulder. “I can see how much you care for him. It hurts me to see that he ruined not just one, but both of us. It’s…”

“Unforgivable.”

“Yes. It really feels like the ultimate betrayal, doesn’t it?”

“Z, I thought…I thought we were doing better. I thought you and I had a chance to be…not hostile toward each other for once, and then Evan just…he fucked it all up. You won’t trust me ever again, will you?”

“I already told you, I know it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do it on purpose.”

“That doesn’t matter. When you look at me, all you’re ever going to see is Evan’s face, and what he did to you.”

“No, no I won’t. This is worse than all the pain I’ve ever felt before at your hand. And if you stood up for me against Evan like you did, then I have every reason to believe you’ll never intentionally hurt me ever again.” Zoe wrapped her arms around Connor and he stiffened. He felt every muscle in his body screaming at him to push her away, but no. God dammit, not this time. He wouldn’t let his anger from the past dictate how he would behave in the future. This was what he had to hold on to, the fact that for once in their lives, him and Zoe were united on one common front: their pain.

He let himself melt, and wrapped his arms around her, too. When they pulled away, Zoe brushed aside her hair which had clung to her forehead in sticky strands. She smiled sheepishly at Connor, and nudged him slightly with her shoulder. “Well, this is a fantastic way to start off vacation, isn’t it?” 

Connor smirked, exhaling in a slight laugh. “Yeah, real great. It’ll afford us plenty of time to plot our revenge.”

“I have some ideas,” Zoe said.

Connor looked at her, and because his sister looked so much like himself, he could see in her eyes that she was’t joking. “Wait…you really want to think of a way to get back at him? That’s so unlike you.” Connor was half proud, half terrified of his sister in that moment.

“Why are you shocked? I grew up with you, psycho. I learned from the best.” She winked at him and laughed, her big brown eyes crinkling shut into the most delightful squint. 

“Zoe Murphy. You’re not so pure an innocent anymore, are you?”

“Neither are you,” she taunted, and was satisfied to see Connor blush. Her tall, tough, older brother actually blushed like a school girl at her teasing.

“Enough. Tell me your schemes. I’m ready to make that boy regret what he did to us. He’s a fool to think the Murphy siblings would let him off with just a fight and a slap.”

“Well…it has to do with the school dance and the concert.”

Connor’s eyebrows lifted in surprise, and with a dark grin, he asked, “Tell me; what did you have in mind?” 

 


	14. Words Fail

_I never meant to make it such a mess_   
_I never thought that it would go this far_   
_So I just stand here sorry_   
_Searching for something to say_   
_Something to say_   
_Words fail, words fail_   
_There's nothing I can say_   
  
_I guess I thought I could be part of this_   
_I never had this kind of thing before_   
_I never had that perfect girl_   
_Who somehow could see the good part of me_   
  
_..._   
  
_That's not a worthy explanation_   
_I know there is none_   
_Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done_   
  
_Words fail, words fail_   
_There's nothing I can say_   
_Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted_   
_And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had_   
_And it's right there, right there, right there_   
_In front of you_   
_And you want to believe it's true_   
_So you... make it true_   
_And you think maybe everybody wants it_   
_And needs it... a little bit... too_

_This was just a sad invention_   
_It wasn't real, I know_   
_But we were happy_   
_I guess I couldn't let that go_   
_I guess I couldn't give that up_   
_I guess I wanted to believe_   
_'Cause if I just believe_   
_Then I don't have to see what's really there_   
  
_No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than_   
_These broken parts_   
_Pretend I'm something other than_   
_This mess that I am_   
_'Cause then I don't have to look at it_   
_And no one gets to look at it_   
_No, no one can really see_   
  
_'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake_   
_Before I even turn the key_   
_Before I make the mistake_   
_Before I lead with the worst of me_   
_I never let them see the worst of me_   
  
_'Cause what if everyone saw?_   
_What if everyone knew?_   
_Would they like what they saw?_   
_Or would they hate it too?_   
_Will I just keep on running away from what's true?_

_All I ever do is run_   
_So how do I step in_   
_Step into the sun?_   
_Step into the sun_


	15. The Way Things Were Before

Evan paid zero attention in class the next day. All her could think about was Zoe and Connor, sitting next to each other on the plane headed to Hawaii for two weeks; the annual Murphy Christmas vacation that they took every year. What was Evan Hansen doing for the next two weeks? Certainly not vacationing. No, he would be at school alone and sad and wishing for Christmas break so he could curl up in his room like a mole and never resurface until January. He had actually sort of already started doing that. Evan had barely been eating, talked to no one except his mom, and had actually been ignoring Jared’s texts and calls on purpose. He had no desire to do homework of any kind, and during class he rarely paid attention. His grades were failing, as was evident on the last quiz of the term he took for Chemistry. His teach, Mr. Ravassipour, handed him the final back and it was a C. Evan had never scored anything lower than a B before now. He should have been mortified, but he was too depressed with his life too care. 

“You were doing so well in this class, Evan,” Mr. Ravassipour pulled him aside after class to check in. “You’ve always had A’s in my class until now. This C knocks your letter grade of the class down to a B, Evan. That’s not like you, I know it’s not, so I’m going to offer you another chance to retake the test tomorrow.”

In a normal state of mind, Evan would realize what an gracious and forgiving offer this was, but his mind was else where and he only nodded, mumbled a brief okay, and then left the room. 

When he got home from school, Evan went straight to his room where his blinds were closed, bed unmade (and had been unmade for the past week. Exactly one week since his fight with the Murphy siblings) and his desk a mess of papers and textbooks that he hadn’t bothered to touch. Final assignments for the term were due in 4 days, and Evan hadn’t started writing any of the papers, studied for any of the tests (as was apparent by his horrific Chemistry score) and didn’t give one shit about any of it. Let him fail high school, what did it matter anyway? What would he even do with his life? He had no idea what he wanted to pursue as a career anyway, he probably wouldn’t even make it into any colleges anyway, and even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to afford to go to any of them. 

Evan’s behavior certainly hadn’t gone unnoticed by everyone, as Jared had started texting him almost nonstop everyday that week, and would call every night at 9 p.m. right before he knew Evan was getting ready for bed. Evan had ignored all the calls and texts, turning off his read receipts so Jared wouldn’t know if he’d seen them or not. However, Evan made one fatal error in misjudging Jared. If there was anything he should have known about Jared, it was that he was ruthless and determined, especially if he wasn’t getting something that he wanted, which at this time was talking to Evan. 

At school the next day (8 days since Connor and Zoe had been gone) Evan sat at a table alone in the cafeteria, away in a corner where he rightly assumed no one would approach him. It had grown too cold for even Evan to sit outside by himself, so he had to fight his anxiety of crowds and sit indoors with everyone else, headphones in to drown out the chatter, gossip, and noise. He was trying to eat, but nothing his mom had packed for him looked appetizing. Heidi had noticed the mood swing her son had taken, and she pulled out all the famous mom stops in an attempt to make him feel better, the first of which had been buying all of Evan’s favorite snacks and drinks for him to take to school. However, even dairy-free yogurt and “inner peas” couldn’t pull Evan out of the pit of despair he found himself stuck in. That’s when Jared came and threw himself down at his table, accosting Evan’s reprieve. 

“Hey, Ev, whatcha doin?”

“Sitting alone,” Evan sniped back. 

“Yeah, I can see that. Looks depressing. Thought you might want some company.”

“I don’t, but thanks.”

Silence. Jared was not giving up that easily. He said, “Finals are this week, you ready?”

“Yeah, ready for school to be over.”

“Hell, me too. I’m ready for Christmas and ski club and hot tubbing with cute babes.” Jared wiggled his eyebrows, his glasses bobbing up and down which normally would have drawn out a giggle from Evan. Today, however, it only caused Evan to sink lower into his seat. “Shit,” Jared said, “Sorry…I forgot about…how is Zoe? Have you talked to her lately?”

Evan didn’t want to have this conversation with Jared right now, but a part of him felt as if maybe talking about it to someone who was unrelated in the drama might actually make him feel better, or at least shine and outside light on the situation. “No, she won’t reply to any of my texts.” Evan had reluctantly told Jared about the blowup he had with the Murphy’s, since Jared was the only one who knew Evan had been seeing both Connor and Zo at the same time. Evan had told Jared he’d kissed Zoe. He did _not,_ however _,_ tell him about what happened with him and Connor. In a nutshell, Evan had explained that the two siblings had found out about Evan’s trickery and said enough was enough, shutting him out of their lives forever. 

“And Connor?” Jared asked. It was risky to even mention him, but Jared knew Evan needed to get something off his chest.

“I don’t know,” Evan tugged the zipper on his hoodie up and down, up and down. “I haven’t even tried to make contact.”

“You guys were…pretty close, huh?”

“I mean…no, not really, I guess.”

Jared took of his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ya know, Evan, for someone who wove a very tangled web for a very long time, you still manage to be the worst liar I’ve ever met.”

Evan looked up confused. “I don’t know what you mean…”

“Connor is your entire world, just admit it already, Jesus Christ.”

“Connor was my friend, and now he wants nothing to do with me ever again.”

“So? I’m not talking about how Connor feels, I’m asking how _you_ feel.”

“I don’t know how I feel!” Evan burst. “I lost the two most important people to me in the space of less than an hour. It’s only been a week, but it feels like it’s been a lifetime. I ache from the deepest part of me, and I don’t know what to do with myself now!” Evan was so angry, he wanted to tear the skin off his arms and dig at his bones till the marrow showed through.

“Failing school and skipping class isn’t going to make you feel any better, Evan.” Jared put his glasses back on and leaned over the table so that he was eye level with Evan’s sinking form. “You’re wearing his hoodie for Christ’s sake, you’re an emotional wreck, and I’m just trying to help.”

Evan fingered the grey sleeves, stained from not having it removed it since that day. It was starting to lose it’s Connor scent, and he was so afraid that if he couldn’t smell him anymore he’d lose the memories that went along with it. “So what’s your point?”

“God, Evan, do I have to spell everything out for you? It’s okay that you’re in love with Connor Murphy!”

Evan blinked once, then twice. “I loved Zoe, Jared.”

“Okay, so that’s fine, you loved Zoe and now you love Connor. What isn’t okay is trying to be with them both at the same time.”

“God, Jared, you don’t think that I’ve learned that lesson? I’m not trying to…this is about Zoe, Jared…Connor was just, he’s someone I…we aren’t…”

“Holy hell, Evan Hansen, it’s okay if you’re gay. Do I really have to say that out loud?”

Evan had had that thought once or twice, but never had anyone affirmed it to his face before. “But Zoe…”

“Okay, so…you’re bi, big deal. You can like boys _and_ girls, but you can’t expect to have one of each at the same time. Doesn’t work like that. You still have to pick a relationship and commit to it. God above.” Jared took out his lunch and settled into what he guessed might be a lengthy conversation. “Before any of this happened, did you have any reason to doubt that Connor might not love you back? Because something tells me he wasn’t exactly low-key on showing his affections to you.”

Evan thought about their heated moment in the news lab. “He…he told me he did. But then he said he didn’t anymore.” 

“Well, here’s the thing about love… _not_ that I know shit about it or anything, because I’m a simple man who finds women attractive and men…not so much. But, here’s the thing every book and every movie in the history of the world has ever told: if two people love each other, it takes a hell of a lot of shit to keep them apart.”

“Yeah, but I fucked up. I committed the ultimate betrayal, I…I didn’t tell them about each other.” Evan couldn’t say the word “cheat” out loud, not even though Jared had just made him admit he was in love with Connor. 

“Yeah, you did fuck up pretty bad. But something tells me you’re not going to be totally cut off from the Murphy’s forever. And besides, Connor is his own person. Maybe he’ll stop letting Zoe talk him out of being with you.”

“You don’t think she’s doing that, do you? Talking him out of seeing me again?” The thought horrified Evan. Zoe wasn’t that heartless, was she? Her goodness couldn’t be an act, not when he had seen all the light she shone around her, how she cared for the simplest pleasures, and loved all people. Well…you know, until now. 

“I don’t know, Ev,” Jared said through a mouthful of sandwich. “You’re going to have to do some serious time redeeming yourself, but I don’t think happiness is out of the question. You know, taking into account the fact that you don’t screw things up again.”

Evan glared at him, daggers in his eyes.

“Jesus, I’m kidding! You’ve learned your lesson, I know I know. I just want you and Connor to fuck already so I don’t have to watch you mope around anymore.”

“JARED!” Evan looked around him, mortified and hoping to god no one heard them. Then he slammed his head down on the table, hands gripping his wind swept hair.

“What? I’m just saying, you’re depressing as fuck.”

“Thanks, Jared.”

“Anytime, bro. My counseling session are only 50 bucks, steal of a deal. I’ll add it to your tab, invoice you at the end of the month.”

 

 

Zoe Murphy sat on a white sandy beach, the ocean water lapping at her feet as she sipped on lemonade, a book in her lap, and large sunhat shading her face. The sun was just beginning to set, and she could hear her family on the porch of the villa behind her, cleaning up from the dinner they had just shared together. The week so far had been peaceful, if uneventful. That’s general what happened when one was on vacation and away from the drama and stress of ordinary life. 

Soon, her brother was sitting beside her, a terribly upset scowl on his face. “God, I’m a lobster, look at me!” He placed a firm hand on his chest, and when he pulled it away, a bright white print was left in it’s place. “I’m going to shed my skin like a snake, a whole fucking layer of me is going to go off. I’ll be in pain for weeks.”

Zoe smirked, not looking up from her book. “I told you to put more sunscreen on, but you wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Stop being so self righteous, miss “I tan and don’t burn”. You can still get skin cancer.”

“Yes, but at least I don’t look like a tomato.” 

Connor pushed her over into the sand, her hat falling off, book almost in the water. “Asshole!” she yelled, as they got up and began to chase each other around the beach, eventually ending the “fight” with Zoe going down in the water, her perfectly curled hair ruined. 

“Dammit, Connor, I’m trying to look good for some hot surfer and you screwed it up.”

“Wow, moving on so soon, are we?”

Zoe stopped moving, immediately growing silent.

“Shit, I”m sorry. I thought…you said…” Connor stopped talking, the waves lapping at their feet as they both tried hard to forget the painful memory from only a few days ago. “You sure you still want to go back and…” Zoe had shared her plan of action for upon their return, but Connor wasn’t sure he was so keen on the idea. Don’t get him wrong, he loved the plan; it was the perfect way to show Evan that he couldn’t pit two siblings against each other, but he wasn’t sure Zoe wouldn’t come out of it more upset than she already was. 

“No, I want to do it,” she confirmed. “Besides, he might not even be there, like we said. So if he doesn’t show, then it won’t even matter. We’re good either way.”

“Are you going to be okay seeing him again?” Connor picked up his sister’s book and hat and carefully handed it back to her. She was lost in thought, staring out over the horizon, her face blank but mind full.

“I’m sure. At this point, he’s not worth my hate anymore. I’m wasting energy on him. I’m just…done. I want to do this, make him see how little he matters to us, and then I’m good.” She turned then and smiled, but Connor could see it was fake. He didn’t believe his Zoe could truly be this casual about the whole situation.

“God, Z, I just feel like it’s going to take me ages to forgive him.” Connor’s hair was extra curly, the salt breeze off the water giving it new life. He tugged at it, trying to straighten down the frizzy mess. 

“That’s how I know you still love him.” Zoe slipped on her sandals and began to walk away, but Connor grabbed her arm. 

“No, fuck no. I hate him.”

“No,” Zoe sighed. “You hate what he _did_. There’s a difference.”

“No…” Connor wouldn’t let her put words in his mouth. This was not something he would get over, ever, and especially not in such a short period of time. “I want him to suffer. I want him to feel the same pain we felt.”

“Okay,” Zoe pulled away, frustrated and tired. “So he will. We’ll make him suffer, and then what?” She brushed her watery eyes, sunburnt cheeks sore from the day. “What happens after that? Someday, there will come a time where you forget all the pain, and all you can think about are his eyes, the way he looks at you, and the way it felt to hold him, to kiss him…” Zoe thought about hers and Evan’s first kiss, and how, even though she enjoyed every moment of it, she could feel it was hollow. Maybe she couldn’t, actually. Maybe recent events had muddled her memories. But she had a feeling that it wasn’t _her_ Evan was picturing when they had kissed. “Then what will you do? You’ll go running back to him and you’ll forget I ever played a part in this whole thing.”

“Zoe, god, no!” Connor took a step over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “I’m never going to forget you, or any of the pain I’ve caused you. I swear, I swear.”

“We’re both insane…” she said, her head hung low. “We both still want him. How fucked up is that?”

Connor screamed internally at all that was wrong with this situation, especially at how Zoe was so very right. How could you hate someone and love them at the same time? How could you still love someone who had given you every reason to wipe them from your life forever? Everything was worse in high school, wasn't it? You fell in and out of love and all the while you had to see the reminders of your mistakes every single day. Thank god senior year was almost over, and Zoe wouldn’t have to see him or Evan ever again, if she wanted.

Connor sighed and began to walk away from Zoe before turning back, saying, “I know you asked me not to speak to him, but I wish you’d at least let me…” The sentence was pointless to finish. He didn’t even know what he would say to Evan, if Evan even bothered to answer his phone after he saw who it was.

“I don’t know what you expect him to say,” Zoe went on. “There’s no words he could possibly think of that would make any of this go away. Its never going to go away.”

“But maybe -“

“No, Connor. You’ve got to stop pining your hope on him. You’ve got to stop telling yourself that it will get better. It won’t. You’re only hurting yourself more.” She turned and passed, him heading away down the beach, but Connor caught up, and grabbed her arm yet again. She turned back, angry this time. “Why can’t you let it go?” she cried.

“What if he comes up to us, and tries to talk? Are you just going to walk away from him? Ignore him in front of everyone?”

“Yes, Connor. That’s exactly what I intend to do. I intend to go back to life exactly the way it was before I met Evan. I suggest you should do the same.”

But what Zoe didn’t know was that that was the last thing Connor would ever want. He didn’t want to go back to being a menace to all the other kids at school. He didn’t want to be a bully and become addicted to drugs, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, and shutting out his family again. Because, even if Evan had taken so much away from him in the end, he had at the beginning given him a whole new way to live life. That was something he would never deny, even through the pain of Evan’s recent betrayal. Evan had made him feel like a human again, not a monster, or a delinquent, or a druggie, or any other label that had been thrust on him by everyone else. Evan simply sat down and chose to build his opinion of Connor based on what Connor said, not what he looked like, or any other preconceived notion he might have had based on what other people had said. No one had done that for him before, only Evan. And that…that was worth something; maybe not much or maybe a lot. If anyone ever asked him if Evan had done anything good for his life, he’d say, “yes, yes he did. He gave me hope again, when I was ready to throw everything away. That’s a big debt, and a huge gift no one will ever make me deny.”

He just wished he could explain that to Zoe, but her heart seemed to be quickly closingas fast as it had opened up to him in the first place. She had said she intended to go back to the way things were before they met Evan, and all Connor could think was what that meant for the two of them. He felt her walls coming back up, their relationship quickly regressing back to the closed doors, heated arguments, and pointed fingers that were so common before there was Evan. Could she not see that; see how Evan had, in a way, brought them together? Did she really want to go back to the fighting and the accusations? How far was she going to go to forget Evan entirely? 

Connor looked out onto the ocean, remembering how months ago he was standing on another beach, Evan by his side, their feet in colder water. He wanted to go back and live in that limbo forever. Was that too much to ask? What if…what if he didn’t want to forget?

 

_Look into my eyes_

_See what I've become_

_Don't you be so surprised_

_That the lies are undone_

 

_Come on baby_

_You know better_

_I've been hanging on by a tether_

 

_Forget all that you knew_

_All that you have been told_

_And we'll start a-new_

_Turn this leaf right into gold_

  _And maybe I can see you in_

_Slidin' out and through you grin_

 

_Come on baby_

_You know better_

_I've been hanging on by a tether_

 

_I had it all wrong_

_And now that you're gone_

_I see so much better_

_But the tether is blown_

_I wish I had realized_

_Look and behold_

_Someone who knows me_

_Better than I know_

 

_Come on baby_

_You know better_

_I've been hanging on by a tether_

 

_Come on baby_

_You know better_

_I'm here hanging on by a tether_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was uneventful/not interesting. Everyone is just in emotional limbo right now, trying to figure out how they all feel, now that the heated moment of anger is over. I feel it's important to show emotions though so that the actions make more sense! <3 
> 
> Side note: My own story?? Is making me?? Depressed?? I painted my nails black in honor of Connor tonight...SHEESH I'm a wreck, someone send puppies and gummy worms plzzzzz.


	16. Too Far

Upon returning from Hawaii, Connor and Zoe made themselves relatively scarce. School was now only 2 days away from being over, and the Winter Formal was the next day, on their last day before break. It wasn’t uncommon for there to be a dance on the last day of school, as Jefferson High always made it “their thing”. There were shenanigans (not nearly too the height of the day before summer break, but still pretty crazy) and everyone was always restless and ready to be done. The Murphy’s had taken their exams before leaving for vacation, so when they returned, they were able to skip a huge chunk of class time because they had finished early. Connor was not present in Math (the only class he and Evan shared) and thus Evan didn’t see him all that day. Normally he would see Zoe around the halls, chatting with Alana outside their lockers, but Evan noticed Alana was wandering around by herself that day, which was an extremely unusual sight.

Evan’s second class of the day started out rough. When he entered the room, another kid was exiting, and “accidentally” bumped into Evan, causing him to hit his shoulder on the door frame. Pain shot through his arm and he winced, turning to apologize to the kid who pushed him, even though it wasn’t Evan’s fault.

“Sorry.”

“God, stop being such a fuck up, Evan.”

The strangest part of their encounter was how Evan was 100% positive that he had never met that boy before, and didn’t know his name. So how did he know Evan’s? He brushed it off and accounted it to them being in the same class, and went to take his seat. When he walked down the row of seats, he thought he heard someone say his name, it sounded like “Who the fuck is Evan Hansen?” He stopped and turned around, looking to the front of the class, but no one was looking at him. Slightly perturbed, he found his usual seat and settled in. Upon sitting down he immediately stood up again, a cry coming from his lips as he felt something hard and sharp poke him in the ass. His outcry caused the rest of the students to turn back and look at him, where he was examining the pinecone that had been placed on the chair. Evan picked it up and threw it in the trash can, wondering who the hell thought it was funny to do something that lame. He sat down and tried to ignore the snickers he heard around him. When class finally began, Evan tried to focus, but everyone else was so restless in their seats that he couldn’t concentrate on what the teacher was saying about their test. 

After Mr. Gregory turned around and began writing notes on the chalkboard, Evan felt a tap on his shoulder from the girl sitting next to him. He turned and saw that she was holding out a note, furiously shaking her head for him to take it before they got caught. Evan had no idea who this girl was - he thought her name might be Emily? - but he took the note and held it in his lap. After he was sure no one was watching, Evan unfolded the crudely ripped piece of paper and read the note that was scribbled in the most poorly written cursive he’d ever seen. It was almost illegible. He could just barely make out the words, which read:

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Go back to the forest where you belong, fucking tree boy. No one would notice if you left._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

What the fuck? Evan looked up, furious, trying to see who looked suspicious. He didn’t recognize the hand writing, but that wasn’t what mattered. What matter was how they formatted it. The “Dear Me From Me” was something he always wrote on his therapy letters, and he’d never, _ever_ shown those to anyone except…

Connor.

Evan wadded the piece of paper up in his fist and shoved it into his pocket. A couple other kids turned back to look at him, but their faces were blank. They probably had no idea what it said, but could sense the drama brewing. That was the thing about high schoolers. They didn’t have to be party to the information, but they could sense the act unfolding with an animal like instinct, and didn’t care what it was about so long as they could share part in it. There was that one kid, the one who had pushed him on his way into class and knew Evan’s name…maybe he had passed the note onto someone? Who was that guy? Evan would have to keep an eye out for him again, and an eye out for Connor, who he had a feeling was the mastermind behind this entire scheme that was beginning to unfold. 

When the bell rang, Evan hurried to his next class - Science - where they all had to line up, single file, at the front of the class to grab their lab books back after having been graded. Mr. Ravassipour nodded at Evan as he passed, a silent reminder that this was his last chance to redeem himself after getting a C on the test last week. Evan nodded back, grabbing his lab book and walking to a partner table in the back. He always chose one that was empty, in a sardonic, twisted way of seeing who would end up having to sit with him. All the other students rushed to find seats in an attempt to avoid being paired with Evan, as was always the case. Another guy he didn't know -Trevor? Maybe? God why was he so bad with names? I guess that’s what happens when you don’t talk to anyone - was the unfortunate victim, and he sat down, sullenly, next to him. They didn’t make eye contact, but after class had begun, he leaned over and whispered, “You’re Evan Hansen, right?”

Evan looked over, a quizzical expression crossing his face. “Yeah?”

The kid sighed, and leaned in closer to whisper, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t really give a shit, but someone told me to tell you this: ‘if you’re not familiar with Nathaniel Hawthorne, you should look him up’.”

Nathaniel Hawthorne…wasn’t he an author? Evan tried but couldn’t remember what book he had written. “Who told you that?” 

“I can’t say,” Trevor shrugged. 

“What do you mean you can’t say?” Evan raised his voice a little, and some of the other kids turned in their seats to look at the commotion they were making. Evan quieted down and harshly whispered, “Tell me who told you to say that!”

“Look, it was just some chick, I don’t even know her name!”

“Was it Zoe Murphy?”

“No, I know Zoe. It wasn’t her.”

Evan sat back in his seat, perplexed and frustrated. If it wasn’t Zoe then who was it? Who else knew about what he’d done to the Murphy’s but Zoe and her close friends? If Zoe hadn’t told Trevor to say that to him, then who could it have been? And what did that even mean, bringing up Nathanial Hawthorne? Evan’s mind spun with questions and confusion, so much so that when it came time to take his test again, he could barely read the words on the page. It was as if his mind was making him suddenly dyslexic, none of it made sense. He had studied all weekend for this, and here he was thinking harder than he had even when he practiced.

When he finished and turned the test into Mr. Ravassiour, Evan raced out of class, eager to take a moment to himself before heading to lunch, but even as he walked down the hall, he felt as if everyone were looking at him, whispering as he passed. Some people even spoke to him, more people he didn’t even know knew his name.

“Hey, Evan.”

“Evan Hansen, right?”

“Hansen, nice blouse.”

“Looking good, Evan.”

“Watch the fuck where you’re going, Hansen!”

He walked faster and faster until bursting into the cafeteria, breathing heavily and trying to hyperventilate from the stimulation of everyone looking at him. He knew there was at least one person he could ask about all this, and she was sitting a mere few feet away from him.

“Hey, Alana,” he stood at her table, her and her friends giving him a look of pure distaste. He hoped it wasn’t because Zoe had told them what happened, but he had a feeling girls shared all their secrets with each other. 

“What do you want, Evan?” Alana adjusted her glasses and continued to eat her salad without looking up at him.

“I was just wondering if you’d seen Zoe since she’s been back.” 

“Yeah, she’s here.”

“Oh, really? I haven’t seen her.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about that?” she snapped. The other girls at the table scoffed and rolled their eyes, whispering and giggling between glances. This was making him unbearably uncomfortable. 

“N-nothing, I was just hoping to talk to her.”

Alana did look up then, her dark eyes large and round stared back at him. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” 

Dammit. She did know.

“Oh, ok-kay…never mind, I’ll see you later. Sorry to interrupt.” He backed away, accidentally hitting the table behind him, causing some kid to spill his glass of milk. 

“What the fuck, dude!” Evan didn’t recognize him, but he looked at him with recognition and said, “You’re such a fuck-up, Hansen.” How did he know his name? How the fuck did everyone suddenly know who he was?

“I’m s-sorry,” Evan brushed the spilt milk off his pants, and handed the other kid a napkin he had in his lunch bag. After he took it, Evan walked away hurriedly, avoiding eye contact with the people he passed, who were staring at him strangely. On his way out of the cafeteria, another guy he didn’t know pushed into him, seemingly on purpose, and said, “Get out of the way, Evan. You’re always in the way.” 

Evan was beginning to tear up now, and he raced out of the room and down the hall to the library where at least, thank god, no one was allowed to talk. When he bolted through the doors, the room was relatively empty, and he sent out a silent thank you to the universe. Maybe here he could get some answers. He went up to the reference desk and the woman behind it looked up at him with a smile. The first smile he’d seen that day. “Can I help you?” she asked him.

“Yeah, I’m hoping you could help me find anything by Nathaniel Hawthorne?” 

“Oh, are you Evan Hansen by chance?”

What the actual hell. “Um, yeah.”

“Sorry,”she laughed quietly. “It was a lucky guess.” She grabbed a book that was sitting behind her on the reserved table. “A young lady stopped by and had this reserved under your name. It’s by Nathaniel Hawthorne. She said you’d be coming to get it later. I just put the pieces together.” She handed Evan the book, and he took it in his small, quivering hands. The title was “The Scarlet Letter”. Evan recognized it, but had never read it before. The librarian turned as if to leave, but Evan stopped her by saying, “Excuse me, but I’m not familiar with this story. Can you tell me what it’s about?”

She turned back and gave him a sad smile. “It is a beautiful story, very well written, but tragic. You don’t want me to spoil it for you, do you?”

Evan was desperate, “No it’s fine, I just want an idea.”

“It’s about a young woman named Hester who has committed adultery and must wear a scarlet A stitched to her clothing as punishment for her sins. The townsfolk know she has committed adultery because she gives birth to her daughter, even though her husband was supposedly lost at sea, and she’s been in Boston alone for more than 9 months. Although they try to get her to confess who she has committed the sin with, she will not tell, and it is about her husband, who is not dead, but living in their town in disguise, seeking revenge in finding out who the other man is.”

“Oh.” The book suddenly felt so very heavy in his hands. “Thank you.” 

“Enjoy it,” she said, smiling as she left. Evan had a feeling he would _not_ enjoy it, that is assuming he read it, which he wasn’t feeling very inclined to do at the moment. However, he found a seat at an empty table and opened the cover, reading the first few chapters during the rest of lunch. Even just three chapters in, Evan could already feel the connection he had with this story, and whoever was screwing with him like this knew it too. It was as if someone were showing him his own sins and taunting him in the worst way possible. Angry and emotional, Evan shoved the book in his backpack and trudged out of the library alone. 

It was now only five minutes before the bell was supposed to ring, and Evan made his way to his locker, where there was an oddly large number of people crowded around it. Evan stopped short in his tracks as a very flustered and apprehensive Jared emerged before him from the hustle. 

“Hey, Evan.” Jared instinctively put out his hand and tapped Evan on the chest, gently stopping him in his tracks. “What’s up?”

“What are all these people doing around my locker?” I guess he didn’t really know for sure that it was his locker they were in front of, but it sure looked like it to him. 

“Oh, they’re just…it’s nothing, they’re just in the way. Want me to get your books for you?”

“I can get it myself, I just need these people to move.” Evan took a step to move around Jared but was stopped again. 

“Really, I don’t mind. That way you don’t have to push your way through these losers.”

“Jared, what’s going on? Stop pushing me, I just want to get into my own damn locker!” Evan shoved past Jared and made his way to the huddle of students that block his way. “Excuse me…sorry…I’m sorry…sorry…I need to get to my locker…thats my locker…excuse me…sorry…” Finally Evan pushed through the throng of people and they managed to step away enough to make space for him in front. When Evan saw what they were all looking at, his jaw dropped.

There, on the front of his locker spray painted blood red, was a giant letter A.

_The Scarlet Letter._

Evan’s fists clenched instinctively but he tried to rationalize with himself. No one in this school had probably read, or cared about, Nathaniel Hawthorne or his book. They might not have any idea what this A meant. As he looked around, blank faces staring back at him, Evan decided to brush this one off. As he went forward to out in his locker combination, declaring to them all that, yes, this was indeed his locker, some boy stepped forward from the throng and said, “Who’d you fuck, Evan?” 

His cheeks went red. Guess someone did know what it meant. Evan could feel the heat wash over his neck as he hunched over to shut out his peripheral vision. 

“Come on, faggot,” the voice said again. “Who’d you fuck?”

Evan felt a stray tear slip down his freckled cheek. He brushed it away hurriedly and finally got his lock to undone, flinging the door open with a crash. The sound was almost loud enough to drown out the hundreds - yes, hundreds - of envelopes that fluttered down around his feet.There were so many, and they just kept falling, falling, falling until they were nearly up to his knees. If he hadn’t been so embarrassed with the laughter that followed, he would have been impressed by how someone managed to fit them all in there. “What the…” Evan turned around and nearly fell backwards over the pile, someone catching him and flinging him back up again against his locker. He braced his hands on the metal, cutting his palm on the edge of the open door. He winced and fell on his ass amid the mess, clutching his hand through the pain. A small trickle of blood began to seep it’s way out. 

Evan felt his throat tighten up as he saw everyone staring at him, waiting to see what he’d do next. Suddenly, Jared pushed his way through and turned his back to Evan, shielding him from the riot that was beginning. He began pushing people back, telling them to fuck off and leave Evan alone. Slowly, they started to dissipate, and as Jared kept guard, Evan managed to pick up one of the letters with his good hand and tear it open. He pulled out the paper inside and unfolded it, where an all too familiar letter was inscribed. 

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_What is something you wish you could change about your life? It’s probably everything isn’t it?_

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

Evan reached for another and furiously ripped it open.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_When you’ve messed up so bad, what the hell is even still holding you together?_

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

The bell rang and finally the crowd vanished. He reached for letter after letter, each one bringing on more tears than the last, until he was a sobbing, hiccuping mess, all alone on the hallway floor. 

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_How many friends do you have again? Can you even count them on your fingers, or are there less than that?_

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_When was the last time you managed to do something good for once?_

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I don’t know you, but I already know I don’t want to._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_How did it feel to betray everyone, at once? Could you feel the guilt through the pleasure of the sin?_

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Do you ever wish you were dead? Would anyone notice if you were gone?_

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

 

“Hey, Ev, you okay?” Jared bent down on his knees, a shy hand reaching for his shoulder. Jared had barely made contact before Evan whipped his hand away, screaming, “Leave me alone!”

Startled, Jared scooted back, and picked up one of the open letters Evan had discarded to the floor. He read it and immediately wadded it up in his palm. “What the actual fuck. Who thinks this is fucking okay? Jesus Christ, I’m gonna murder whoever is doing this to you, I swear to god, Evan, I-“

“P-please, just go away.” Evan was trying to wipe away his tears but they wouldn’t stop coming. He tried to breath slowly, to calm himself down, but when he did it just made him hiccup back into breathy sobs. Each letter was written in different handwriting. No one person had done this; maybe they had organized it, but still they had managed to convince everyone else to play along. Looking at the pile around him, he thought, _“this could be every single person in this school telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Do they all really believe that?”_

_“_ I just want you to know that I have no idea who’s doing this, and I had no part in it.” Jared was standing now, asking backwards as he started running down the hall. “But I’ll figure it out, god dammit!” And then he was gone.

Crushed by his crippling anxiety, Evan could feel his heart starting to palpitate. Hurriedly, he sat up and opened his backpack, shoving as many letters as he could inside. He stuffed and scrunched until they all fit, some in his jacket pockets, some in his pants pockets, until he had them all cleaned up. He didn’t want to throw them away in case someone were to find them and see what they said. He’d take them home and burn them and cover his face with the ash. He sat up, his cries echoing in the empty hall, and raced towards the bathroom where he could finishing crying in peace. 

 

 

 

 

Jared raced down the hall faster than he ever had. Jared was not an athletic person in any way, shape, or form, but in this situation, urgency was of the utmost importance. When he found that lousy motherfucker, propriety be damned, he’d punch him till you could identify his face any longer. 

He peeked into classrooms, every senior class he knew of, every student lounge and bathroom he could, but Connor Murphy was nowhere to be seen. Jared was beginning to get more than angry. This was obviously Connor, so where was the dick at? He looked outside briefly, but didn’t even see his car. Did he really set this all up so that he wouldn’t have to be present when the chaos unfolded? Did that psycho not even want to watch his brilliant plan and see Evan suffer? Jared cursed and flew back inside, at the opposite end of the hall he saw Connor running towards him, disheveled and apprehensive. Jared started running towards him at full speed, causing Connor to stop in his tracks.

“Jared, where’s Evan?”

“Motherfucker!” Jared reached Connor and punched him hard in the face. There was a loud crack as Connor stumbled backwards, hands flying to his nose, clutching it as blood started pouring out.

“What the fuck, Jared! Did you break my goddamn nose?!” Connor pulled his hand away, blood seemingly everywhere. “Shit! Ow! Fuck!”

Jared lunged at him again, but Connor stopped him with one hand, and with the other punched him back, breaking his glasses. It was just hard enough that he’d definitely wake up with a black eye the next day.

Jared picked up his glasses and surveyed the damage. “Fuck you, Connor!” 

“You punched me first, for no damn reason!” 

“I punched you because this shit you’re pulling on Evan isn’t funny. It’s going to tear him apart!”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Bullshit!” 

They’re commotion caused one of the classroom doors to open, a teacher popping her head out, gasping at the scene before her. “Hey! What’s going on?” When she saw the blood dripping from Connor’s nose and Jared’s broken glasses, she immediately returned to her roomno doubt to call the principle. 

“Fuck, let’s get out of here!” Connor and Jared raced together down the hall and up the stairs, hiding in an empty room where they could talk for a moment, hopefully without being discovered.

“Tell me what’s going on,” Connor said, this time whispering, albeit angrily.

“Don’t act like you had no idea this was happening!” Jared whispered back.

“Zoe and I talked about getting…revenge, if you will…on Evan, but when she told me her ideas I said fuck it, I wanted no part in it!”

“You didn’t stop her?” Jared was so pissed he wanted to strangle him.

“I thought I talked her out if it, we argued about it for literally an hour! After I finally calmed her down enough to listen to me, she said she wouldn’t do anything.”

“She lied, obviously! You should have restrained her or something my god! Do you evenknow what she did? Where the fuck have you been?”

Connor looked unbearably guilty. “I didn’t want to watch him get hurt.”

“So you decided to not show up at all? Jesus fucking Christ Connor! You should have been here to stop it!”

Connor slammed his fist on the door, making the window shake. “I didn’t know what to do, okay? And when Zoe said she wouldn’t do anything that would hurt him, I thought…I thought it would be okay.”

“Be okay?” Jared paced around the room. “Do you know anything about Evan at all? Did the time you spent together teach you nothing? Evan has _social anxiety_. Look it up, fucker. People have been talking to him all day, picking him out of the crowd and mocking him. People he’s never seen or met before in his life are suddenly paying attention to him. That wreaks havoc on a person’s emotions! He had…he had all these letters fall out of his locker, hundreds of them, and I read one…” Jared got quiet then, and took a pause before proceeding with, “It said, ‘Dear Evan Hansen, Do you ever wish you were dead? Would anyone notice if you were gone?’ That’s fucked up shit, and I don’t care if you or your sister pulled it off or not, _you_ have to fix it before…before it’s too late.”

Connor had gone pale. Now he knew why it looked like he’d done it. That was what Evan’s therapy letters looked like, just like the one he’d taken from him that first week of school when they met in the computer lab. No one but him had ever seen it before…

“Dammit, Zoe.”

 

 

 

 

Zoe Murphy sat on the second floor stairs, watching as her brother and Jared quietly peeked out of the classroom door they were hiding in and took off down the hall, no doubt looking for Evan. Zoe knew where he was…well, not 100% sure, but part of her plan was banking on a huge guess of where Evan would go running to, to get away from everyone. She had gone in earlier, Alana watching guard, and set up the final aspect of her revenge. It was…cruel, even for a Murphy, who were skilled at tricks and schemes and anger. 

After her and Connor’s fight last night, big brother had taken off into the night, to do who knows what, probably smoke, do weed, and drink. She didn’t care where he went so long as he was gone for a while. Judging by how stressed and upset he was, she knew it would be hours, possibly all night, so she got to work. Zoe snuck into Connor’s room - which oddly was a very bare, open space - and started searching for something…something personal. Connor’s bed was in the center of the room, out from a wall with a large picture window above it. He had one bookcase next to a desk, but both were relatively empty of stuff. His desk held his laptop, a pen cup, and a lamp. No clutter whatsoever. The bookcase had plenty of books, but no trinkets or pajrphenilia. Besides that there was no other furniture in the room. Zoe started at the desk, going through all the drawers, looking for pictures, letters, notebooks, anything that might hold secrets. She found nothing and moved onto the closet where Connor had all his clothes neatly organized, perfectly folded, ironed, and hung up. His shoes were arranged in neat little rows along the bottom perimeter, but besides that, there were no boxes, books, or keepsakes. The only place left to look besides under the bed - which she checked. Spotless. - was the book shelf. This is what would take the most time, because she’d have to start going through every book and flipping through the pages, hoping something might fall out. She began the dulling task, but after one out of five shelves, she sat back, exhausted. 

She knew Connor was sentimental enough that if Evan had ever given him anything of importance or sentiment, he would have kept it. Looking at the books, she scanned the titles, searching for an answer, a clue even. This was stupid, who did she think she was, Nancy Drew? Then, suddenly, her eyes glanced over a book and immediately popped back to it, pulling it off the shelf. It was called “The Hidden Life of Trees”, and was a picture book of forest sketches that went into the details of nature and the seasons. This screamed Evan if nothing else did. She opened it, flipping through the pages with her thumb until her finger caught on an extra thick page. She stopped and pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper, a letter, that started with “Dear Evan Hansen…” 

This is exactly what she was hoping for. 

Now as Zoe sat eavesdropping, remembering how she had riffled through Connor’s things, she kind of felt pretty bad about it. This wasn’t just between her and Evan, she knew Connor knew that, but he _had_ said he didn’t want any part in it. Now, with what she’d done, he was definitely a significant part it, whether he wanted to be or not. She didn’t know quite how Evan would react, but by the way Jared and Connor had talked with such urgency, she thought maybe…maybe this time she’d gone a little too far. She hoped Evan would be okay. She just want him to feel her pain. She just wanted him to be sorry…

 

 

 

Evan raced down the hall, his backpack full of letters weighing down his steps. He wanted to get away from all of this. He just wanted to be alone long enough to at least stop crying. He burst into the bathroom on the third floor - the smallest, lesser used one - and shut the door behind him. His body slipped down to the floor, and he took the heavy bag off his shoulder, messaging the skin until it stopped aching. His tear stand face itched so badly for some reason. He felt like he had a million tiny bugs running up and down his skin and he scratched at it until he felt the skin beginning to tear. His blood stained hand was still so red from the cut that Evan couldn’t tell if his face was bleeding or not. He stood up shakily and made his way over to the sink where he turned on the cold tap water and splashed his face and washed his hand. It stung to slip it under the water, but the pain was calmly numbing to his troubled mind. He turned off the faucet after another splash to his face and looked up to assess the damage. 

He did not notice his face. He _did_ notice the letters that covered the mirror in red…blood? No, lipstick.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all._

 

No…No this was…this was his… He covered his mouth with a hand, trying not to scream. His heartbeat went into double time. He started hyperventilating. He couldn't feel his legs. 

 

_This isn’t going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone._

 

Connor…he couldn’t have. Evan fell to the floor and crawled over to his backpack where he started throwing out all the letters looking for his bottle of meds. Where were those damned pills?! He started crying again, unable to control his breathing. He could feel his head getting lighter, and god, how he had to find those pills. Where the fuck were they? Finally his hand closed around the small, yellow bottle, and popped off the cap, looking at the white, round pills.He fell over, rolling onto his side, huddling up into fetal position, still unable to pry his eyes away from the letter on the mirror. 

 

_I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

 

He looked at the pills again. He was only supposed to take one to satiate the attack, but what if…what if he took two? What if he just took them all? It would be so easy to just…

His vision was starting to go blurry. He dumped the pills into his palm. They looked like little stars in his hand. 

 

_Sincerely,_

_Your most best, and dearest friend,_

_Me_

 

 

 

Connor and Jared raced down the hallway, charging up the stairs. 

“Third floor bathroom. He always goes there to be alone. I’ve tracked him down on multiple occasions.” Jared led their charge of two towards the destination until Connor saw the bathroom door in the distance and picked up speed, passing Jared and reaching it first. He plunged through the door and Jared stopped in his tracks when he heard him curse from the other side “Fuck! No, oh my god, no!” Connor reemerged from the bathroom, real, honest tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Call an ambulance!” He yelled, disappearing again behind the bathroom door.

Jared fumbled for his phone and dialed 911. 

 

 

Zoe followed them up the stairs, and when she heard Connor yell out from inside the bathroom she knew…she knew she had taken it too far. She started to cry, scratching at her arms as she hugged herself tight, praying to some unknown force that Evan would be okay. Just let him be okay, please. Let him be alright. Let him…

She knew Connor would never forgive her for this. She had ruined whatever they had fixed. Evan would hate her too. She realized, this whole plot to make Evan feel bad about what he’d done to her wasn’t really so he would feel the pain.

It was so she could feel the pain of how sorry she was. And how she had no words to say that could make any of this better.

 

 

Connor sat on the bathroom floor, holding an unconscious Evan in his arms. He rocked back and forth, tears he hadn’t cried in years finally let lose at the thought of losing his only friend and lover.


	17. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys!!! This fic just passed 2000 hits!!! What is life?!?!?!? I love you all so much, thank you for reading. You're the BEST!! <3

When she got the call at work that her son was being rushed to the Emergency Room after an overdose, Heidi dropped the phone mid call, dashing out of the office without a word to anyone. Sobbing in the car, she honked at everyone who slowed her down, going nearly 50 in a 25 mile per hour part of town. When she pulled up to the emergency entrance of the hospital, she parked her car right in front of the doors, under the carport, not caring in the least if she got towed. This was her baby, her only son, and she prayed harder than she had ever before that he would be okay. 

“Where’s my son?” she screamed at the receptionist behind the desk. 

A nurse standing by came to her and placed her hands on Heidi’s shoulders trying to calm her down. “Ma’am, what’s your sons name?” Although she had an idea it was the boy who had, of course, just been rushed in at their ambulance port.

“Evan! Evan Hansen! What happened? Is he going to be okay?”

“He’s in a coma. They’re taking him to the operating room right now.”

“I want to see him, I need to see him.”

“I can take you to the viewing window, but I don’t think you should watch, ma’am.” 

“Take me there now!”

The nurse led a very frantic mother inside the operating wing, and down a hall to one of the viewing windows that looked in on the surgery. She saw Evan being wheeled in on a stretcher and she put her hand son the glass, crying as she saw his limp form, blood on his hand and face. As the surgeons pulled on their gloves and masks, hurriedly discussing with each other how to address the problem, Heidi couldn’t watch anymore. The nurse had been right, this was too much for her to handle. She slid to the floor and cried, a couple more nurses coming to help her up and escort her back to the waiting room. 

 

Heidi sat in the waiting room, knowing a doctor would soon come to her with numerous questions after the paperwork she had just filled out. She also knew he would get frustrated with the number of questions she had for him too. She wanted to know what had happened, why Evan would do this to himself, and what on earth had caused him to do it. He seemed to be doing so good the last few months, although she would admit that since the Murphy’s left for vacation, Evan had been lonely and exclusive to himself.

The doctor appeared with Evan’s psychiatrist, Dr. Lloyd, by his side. They came up to Heidi and she rose, anxious to know the results of the surgery. She held her breath as she asked, “How is my boy? Is he going to be okay?”

“Evan is in recovery right now, he is going to be just fine, Mrs. Hansen.”

Heidi let out a cry of delight, her tears now those of relief. 

“We had to pump his stomach,” the doctor went on, “to rid his system of the excess, unabsorbed drugs. We, thankfully, got most of it out; what little remains will be cleansed out of his system the next few days from urine and waste.”

The doctor nodded to the psychiatrist and she took a step closer to Heidi. “Mrs. Hansen, we want you to be aware that we are concerned for Evan’s mental stability. He came out of his coma after his morphine wore off, but as of right now, he is not speaking to anyone about what happened. We are going to have to contact the school before we can get more information on what caused Evan to do this. I’m so sorry.”

Heidi sat back down in her chair. “You don’t have any idea what made him do this to himself? I thought he was doing better. Your last report said he was doing better.”

“I know I said that. However, our last three session were rather…strained, as Evan was undergoing some sort of emotional stress that, for whatever reason, he didn’t feel comfortable sharing with me, even though I always express what we talk about stays between us, in my office.”

“You don’t have any idea?” Heidi stood back up, getting uncomfortably close to Dr. Lloyd, causing the other woman to back up a step. “You’ve talked to my son, once a week, for over two years, and you don’t have any idea what was stressing him out?”

Dr. Lloyd gave the surgeon a look, and he disappeared down the hall. Dr. Lloyd sat Heidi down on the sofa and began to whisper with her in hushed tones. “Mrs. Hansen, since this has happened to Evan, the doctors and I feel it is best, for the time being, that Evan be admitted to the Cedar Oaks Psychiatric Hospital. It is a very good clinic, a make rounds there once a week, and I feel it would be safe and beneficial if your son could be under the constant supervision and care of trained professionals who will help him recover to mental stability after this accident. Once he is deemed stable, he will be allowed to go home. I will be able to monitor what new drugs he may have to take - something for depression along with his anxiety - and I will no doubt change the dosages to insure that he cannot do this to himself again.”

“But why would he even do this in the first place?” Heidi could not say the word “suicide”, it was just not what she pictured would be going through Evan’s mind. Not _her_ baby boy. 

“I am not allowed to tell you any of what Evan has said to me during his sessions,” Dr. Lloyd sighed, “and you know that. I could lose my job. But, as a mom, from one to another, I will say I always start by looking at who my children like to hang out with.”

Heidi’s eyes went wide. She understood.

_The Murphy’s._

_“_ Thank you, but…when will they contact the school? I want to know who found him, and where, and…and everything.” She wanted to solve this on her own. She would know the answer when she heard it.

“I’m sure the school is already on it, Mrs. Hansen. You will no doubt be contacted shortly.”

“Do you think someone…someone bullied my boy into doing this?” Heidi had just managed to calm herself down, but could already feel the tears coming on again.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hansen, I can’t really say.”

But Heidi could tell, from the look in her eyes, that’s exactly what she thought had happened. 

 

 

 

When Connor Murphy heard the ambulance arrive outside the school, he picked Evan up in his arms and carried him out of the bathroom and down the stairs. He yelled at Jared to run ahead of him and get the doors, and he did so, opening them for the EMTs who rushed in with a stretcher. They took Evan’s limp body from his arms, and it was physically painful for Connor to let him go. He and Jared rushed after them, the classrooms quickly flooding with other students and faculty, watching as they passed.

When they got outside, they stood and watched as they loaded into the ambulance and Connor raced up to them before they could shut the doors. “Please! He’s my friend, let me go with him!”

“Sorry, only family.”

Jared stepped forward too, saying, “I’m his cousin!” Connor tried not to flinch at Jared’s lie. 

“Immediate family,” the EMT said, slamming the door in their faces, and the van took off in a puff of dust and sirens.

Connor quickly wiped away his tears knowing Jared was looking at him, but for once in his life, Connor was out of snarky comments. He watched the ambulance vanish down the road and suddenly the world seemed too quiet. 

“Connor…” Jared said, but didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t necessarily want to comfort Connor, still believing he somehow had a part in this, but even if he did, he wouldn’t know what to say. 

“I’m going to the hospital, you coming?” 

“Of course.”

The two boys were about to take off when the school doors behind them were opened, and they heard their names called. 

“Jared Kleinman, Connor Murphy.”

It was Principle Cartwright.

“If I may have a word with you both.”

The two boys looked at each other with dread. This was not what they wanted to be doing right now. They turned around trudged back up the steps and into the school, following Principal Cartwright down the hall, like they were being lead to death row. All the students had poured out of the classrooms, watching in confused anticipation. “Back to class! Immediately!” Cartwright yelled, and his voice carried such a weight to it that everyone dissipated like cockroaches in the light. As they walked, Connor saw Zoe out of the corner of his eye, nails in her teeth, watching him back. He gave her such a look of hatred she knew she would not want to be home when he was around.

When they got to the office, Principal Cartwright opened his office door and ushered the two boys inside. “Please, take a seat.”

They did, in silence.

“When someone calls an ambulance to my school, I do hope to be advised as to all the details. Which one of you called?”

“I did,” Jared raised an awkward hand, and then placed it back in his lap. 

“And you called it for another student? Who was it? I could not see as they rushed him out so quickly.”

“Evan Hansen,” Jared answered again.

“Hansen…yes, I know who you’re speaking of. And why did you need to call an ambulance for him instead of escorting him to the school nurse?”

The questions were so dry and monotonous Connor could take it. “He overdosed on his anxiety medication.” Connor interrupted Jared before he could answer. “He…passed into a coma after his body went into shock. He needed immediate medical attention.”

Principal Cartwright turned his attention to Connor, a slightly displeased look on his face. “What are you doing here today, Mr. Murphy? If I remember right, you were given permission to begin holiday early, as you finished your finals before leaving for vacation, correct?”

“Y-yes…”

“So what brought you to school today?”

“Jared called me. He said he was worried about Evan.” He looked to Jared where he hoped he’d understand the pleading in his eyes to just go along with the lie. But the look on Principal Cartwright’s face said he begged to differ. But he went along with it, turning back to Jared, asking, “And why were you worried about Evan, Mr. Kleinman?”

Jared adjusted his glasses, a nervous twitch, and cleared his throat saying, “Some…some kids were saying…mean things to him. He was getting worked up so I called Connor.”

“And why did you call Connor, and not Mrs. Hansen, or one of Evan’s close friends?”

“Connor is Evan’s closest friend,” Jared said. Connor felt his heart quicken at Jared’s kind words. Although, they were untrue. Him and Evan hadn’t been close friends for the last 3 weeks. 

Cartwright looked like he also didn’t believe this. He looked Connor up and down, no doubt imagining him and Evan standing side by side. An unlikely pair, Connor knew how it sounded.

“You believe Evan was being bullied, Mr Kleinman?”

“Yes, sir.”

“By who?”

Connor tried not to glance over at Jared, but clenched his hands tighter in his lap, waiting for Jared to throw his sister under the bus.

“Not by any one particular person, Principal Cartwright. It was multiple people causing him to have an anxiety attack.”

“Has Evan been bullied before?”

“Yes…”

“By who?”

Connor’s heart was beating uncontrollably. He felt his temple grow sweating, and he tried not to bounce his leg up and down, as was a habit he did when nervous.

“I don’t know,” Jared lied. “Evan would never give me names if I asked. You’d have to ask him.”

“Well as of right now, that is of course not possible. Thank you boys for your time, you may go. But please, if you have any more information to share on this situation, I encourage you to come forward.”

“Yes, sir,” they both said simultaneously. After the walked out of the office, Connor raced down the hall and out the front doors again, Jared close on his heels. They jumped into Connor’s car and raced towards the hospital.

 

 

 

Zoe couldn’t pay attention in class. She felt the other students shifting in their seats, staring at her with looks of betrayal, disgust, pity, and fear in their eyes. She had seen Evan taken out by a hoard of EMTs, her brother racing after them. She saw his look of pure hatred as he passed, and she wondered what would happen when the news came out of all that had been done against Evan. 

The overhead speaker came on, halting class with Principal Cartwright’s voice. 

“Students of Jefferson High, I would like to inform you that what you may have witnessed this afternoon was an emergency medical evacuation of one of your fellow classmates, Evan Hansen. At this time we do not know if he will be okay, but I do urge you to keep him in your best thoughts and send him good wishes for a quick recovery. I have spoken with the two young men who found him, and at this point I have no further information on the matter besides the speculation that this was a cause of bullying. I have never, in all my years as a principal, had an issue with this matter. However, I would like you all to be aware that if there is any evidence this is true, I will find the root of the cause, and the punishment will be severe. If you have any information on the matter, I urge you to come forward and aid in the resolution of this situation.Do to the direness of this event, school is dismissed early for the day, have a wonderful holiday, and we will see you in January. Thank you.”

Zoe was a ball of sweat and terror. Their teacher dismissed class early, per instruction, and everyone flooded out into the hall. She took longer than normal to pack up her things, not eager to be bombarded with more looks and questions. 

She went to her locker and found Alana packing up her things next to her. 

“Hey,” Zoe said awkwardly. Alana looked up at her and then back to her things. “What are you doing over Christmas break?”

“Oh my god, Zoe!” Alana burst. “You _cannot_ act like nothing happened. That’s low, even for you.”

“Shhhhhhh!” Zoe hushed her, bringing her head closer to Alana’s. “Please, don’t -“

“You’re so worried about saving your own ass, aren’t you? You do realize once Principal Cartwright finds out it was you, you’ll be expelled, right?”

Zoe did not realize this. “I will?”

“Yes, the issue goes to the board and then they can either approve or deny your expulsion. But judging by the severity of your little scheme, I’d say they’ll likely rule in favor of the former. _And_ it goes on your record.”

“It wasn’t just me though! At least 100 students wrote those letters. You being one of them! You’re not going to throw me under the bus, are you? If you do, I’ll name you as one of the writers, and I know your handwriting by heart, I could easily pick out the exact one.”

“You’re awful! Zoe, Evan could _die_. Do you realize this? If he dies, you could go to jail!” 

“No I couldn’t…”

“Yes, you could. What is it with you right now? I know you’re scared, but you’re acting like a psycho bitch! You didn’t think something like this could happen, did you? You just thought Evan would cry in the bathroom a bit and move on with life?”

Zoe was silent.

“This was harsh, even for you, Heather Chandler.”

“They can’t possibly suspect it was me! I’ve never publicly bullied Evan before, not like my brother has. People have more reason to assume it was him rather than me!”

Alana slammed her locker shut, backpack full, arms holding books. “Zoe, you shouldn’t even _think_ about pinning this on Connor. If you keep lying about it, you’ll just make it worse. Besides, all those people you convinced to write letters to Evan, they know it was you.”

“You don’t really think they’d tell it was me, do you?” 

“To save their own asses? Yeah, I do. People will do whatever it takes to make sure they’re in the clear, or have the least amount of punishment possible. Look at yourself, what you’re doing right now…you’re the perfect example. If I were you, I’d go confess right away, and not drag out your sentence any longer than you have to. Get this behind you, Zoe, move on, and be a better person, okay? I don’t want to hang out with someone like that until they change. Call me when you’ve straightened out your priorities.” Alanna turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Zoe to stand alone in a quickly emptying school.

 

 

 

Connor and Jared arrived at the hospital and checked in with the receptionist to see what floor Evan was on. She directed them to the fourth level, room 413. They rushed to the elevator, Connor slamming the buttons with his fist as if that would make the doors open faster. When the reached the fourth floor, they quickly found room 413 and stopped abruptly when they saw the door open, a nurse inside tending to Evan in his bed. Jared rapped on the door with his knuckles, alerting their presence. 

The nurse looked up and smiled. “Hello, can I help you?” 

“We’re friends of Evan’s, from school, how is he doing?” Jared said.

“He will be okay.”

Connor let out a muddled moan of relief and turned away, so as not to start crying again in front of the nurse and Jared. _Fuck is with these tears?_ he thought to himself. It was as if he couldn’t stop now that he had remembered how to cry again. He choked them back and turned around again, eyes red and glossy, but composed.

“Can we talk to him?” Jared asked.

“He’s sleeping at the moment.”

“Can we sit with him at least?” Connor interrupted. The nurse nodded assent and Connor pushed past Jared and rushed over to the chair that sat on the opposite side of the hospital bed. He flung himself into the seat and leaned over, about to take Evan’s hand, then stopped, remembering Jared was right there watching.

“Dude, it’s okay,” Jared snorted. “Evan totally confessed he’s super gay for you, chill out.” 

Connor’s cheeks went red. “Fuck off, Kleinman. I don’t need that right now.”

“Truth hurts, buddy, I know. You have time, obviously.”

Connor glared at him, and Jared stuffed his hand in his pockets. “Listen, I’m gonna go home, I’ll come back and see him tomorrow. You…” Jared again didn’t want to get too mushy with fuckwad Connor Murphy, but he felt the day’s situation called for being a little more…understanding. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah.” Connor hated Jared more than he hated most people (and mind you, he hated everyone at the moment) but he admitted it was a…thoughtful gesture. He wanted, and needed, this time to be alone with Evan. “You want to take my car back to the school to get yours? I’m…I’m not going to go home tonight…” He looked back at Evan. He wasn’t leaving his side till he got to talk to him.

“Sure. Thanks. I’ll bring your keys back tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Connor reached into his pocket and handed Jared the keys. Jared nodded a somber goodbye and left Connor alone in the small, dimly lit room. Connor looked at the clock on the wall, it was almost 6pm. Where the fuck had the time gone? He felt like this whole day was merely the span of 15 minutes, not 8 hours.

Now that Jared was gone, he took Evan’s small hand and held it in his. He played with his fingers, gently rubbing them, thinking about the way the felt when Evan had kissed him that first time, these same fingers gripping at his hair, running over his skin. God, what on earth had convinced him to let go of this boy? He needed Evan more than he needed air, and now…now he needed to be there for Evan like Evan had for him. He hoped he’d get a chance to apologize for being so cruel the night Evan came over and confessed to him and Zoe. He felt suddenly so tired from the emotional stress of today. Connor laid his head down on the bed, soon falling asleep to the gentle rise and fall of Evan’s breathing.

 

 

 

Evan Hansen woke up at 10:47pm. His head throbbed and his heart felt weak. He couldn’t get a deep breath, his ribs poking painfully into his lungs. He didn’t remember the surgery, or anything that came after he had looked at the handful of pills in his palm. He knew, from what the nurses told him, that he had take them all; swallowed them in one gulp and almost immediately passed out. They said his body had gone into catatonic shock, causing him to fall into a coma. They said the surgery was quick; they pumped his stomach and gave him an antidote that would cause his body to flush whatever toxins were left, out. He had woken up once, after he emerged from the coma, and had a panic attack and to why he was in the hospital. He didn’t remember anything until they gave him a shot to calm down, and then the memories of the school day rushed back to him. He panicked again. Another shot. Then sleep. 

Now, as he woke up, he felt drowsy and nauseous and exhausted. He wanted to be home, in his own bed, with Samson curled up beside him, his mom feeding him soup and they watched _Psych_ or _Chuck;_ something that would make him laugh. But no, he was still here, an IV in his arm, uncomfortable bed sheets around him, dim florescent lighting above his head. He shifted his weight to roll onto his other side, expecting to see his mom in the chair next to him, but finding Connor Murphy instead.

Evan’s heart immediately went into triple. He, as quietly and calmly as he could, reached over to his side and hit the red button on the wall that called a nurse to his room. After he pressed it, he returned his attention to Connor where he gently tried to remove his hand from Connor’s but in doing so, woke him up as well. Connor looked up, his eyes heavy with sleep, but when he saw Evan staring back at him, he bolted upright, and reached for Evan’s hands again. Evan let out a shaky breath and pulled away, his hands already quivering from where Connor had touched him. “Evan! Oh my god, are you okay? I mean, I know you’re not okay, but…I had to see you, to talk to you about today, what happened, I need you to know it wasn’t m -“

Evan was hyperventilating, now anxiously pressing the red button nonstop, eager for someone to come and take Connor out. Connor could see Evan was getting worked up, and he rose from his chair, backing away slightly. “Evan, it’s me, Connor? Why aren’t you talking? Can you talk? I’m trying to tell you I -“

“What’s going on here?” A nurse had appeared in the doorway, a distressed look on her face as she went to check Evan’s vitals, the machine’s beeping, lights flashing, signally his heart rate was increasing due to high levels of anxiety. Evan still didn’t speak, but kept his hands close to his chest, fingers tapping on his skin until he managed to lift one and point at Connor, tears bubbling over Evan’s cheeks as he did so. 

“You need to leave, now,” the nurse told him.

“But he’s my -“

“Now, or I’ll call security. Please.”

Connor stepped away and rushed out the door, the nurse shutting it behind him. Connor watched through the small window as she went to Evan and talked to him, encouraging him to calm down, and giving him some sort of shot. Connor couldn’t watch. It was too much. This day had been too much. He didn’t want to leave the hospital. He wouldn’t be able to sleep until he had successfully told Evan that he had no part in what had caused him to try and take his own life. He had to tell him that Zoe…

That _bitch_.

Connor quickly walked to the elevator and down to the main level where he raced out the front door and down the street. He didn’t need to get a taxi. He was full of energy now. 

He had his anger to carry him all the way home.


	18. "Look What You Made Me Do"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: if you're triggered by violence, DONT read this. 
> 
> On another note: I'm still super depressed so this chapter probably sucks ass, but it's all I got. In actuality, I tried NOT to write to make myself feel better, but the opposite kind of happened. It's the only way I COULD feel better. I'm a lousy Mthrfckr for being all "I can't write waaaa waaaaaa send love" and shit. Sorry guys. I'm still a hot mess and I'll still take your good vibes, but have a chapter and sorry for the angst. This is a depressing one. Cause I'm depressed. Still. *sigh* why does life suck? I ant believe it's only been a day since I said I was taking a break. Woooow long break, huh? Sheeesh I'm a piece of shit lol. Anyway. Have some Connor/Zoe shit.

Connor barreled through the front door.

“Zoe!”

Not a sound. The house was dead quiet.

“Zoe fucking Murphy, I know you’re here!!” She wasn’t anywhere downstairs that he could see so Connor ran up the stairs, taking them three at a time.

Zoe sat in the corner of her room, leaning up against her bed, hugging one of her old stuffed animals that she’d had since her 2nd birthday. It was a soft pink lamb, with a purple ribbon around its neck. She pet its ears as she began to cry. She heard Connor yelling her name from downstairs and already she wished this night was over. When she heard the front door slam after him, she sent a hurried text to both her parents saying “plz come home now!! C is hurting me!!” It wasn’t a lie. It was foresight. She was already bracing herself for the cuts and bruises she’d endure. Then she heard his fist pounding on her locked door.

“Zoe, you bitch! Open this door now!”

“No!” she cried back.

“I’ll kicked it down, you know I will!”

“Do it, I don’t care!” Wrong thing to say, and she knew it, because moment’s later, her door flew open with a rush of splinters, a furious Connor framed in the outline. He stood there, his fist clenched by his side, but he didn’t lunge at her.  
“Evan is in the hospital, Zoe.”

“I know…” She didn’t move from her spot in the corner. She didn’t want to seem in any way threatening. When Connor was this angry, the slightest thing could trigger him and that would be the end of it.

"You know?” he yelled. “Did you know that would happen when you told everyone at school to write him hate mail? Did you know that would happen when you spray painted a scarlet A on his locker? Did you know that would happen when you wrote that note on the bathroom mirror?!” Connor stepped closer and Zoe flinched. She closed her eyes and held on to her lamb tighter.

"I didn’t think it would -“

“That’s the problem! You didn’t think, at all! What would you have done, had we not found Evan, Zoe? What if we found him too late, dead, on the bathroom floor? What then?”

Zoe didn't say anything.

“You bitch!” Connor leaped forward and Zoe screamed as he grabbed her by the front of her sweater and dragged her up from the floor till she was standing in front of him. He gripped her shirt in his fists, bringing his face close to hers. He was screaming in her face, as she scrunched it up and pulled away from him, crying, trying to pry his hands away.

“I’m going to kill you!!” Connor shook her till her hair fell out of its bun. He pulled her up from the ground until her toes weren’t touching it anymore. “I’ll tell you what would have happened if he had died: you would have been next! And after I killed you I would have killed myself!” Zoe was crying harder and harder by the second and it only made Connor more furious. “We all would be dead then, Zoe! Is that want you want? For us all to reunite in Hell? Cause that’s where you’re going, you good for nothing whore!” Connor threw her to the side with as much force as he could muster.

Zoe stumbled, crashing into the wall, rattling her closet door. Connor flipped around and ran his arm across her dresser, perfume bottles crashing into the wall and the floor, a sickening sweet smell rising into the air. The scent made Zoe feel as if she might pass out. She raised an arm to shield the glass that flew at her. She felt small pieces of the bottles knick her cheeks, small droplets of blood beading up on her face.

Connor kept going, destroying every inch he could. He tore the posters from her wall, the ribbons from science camp, the picture frames that held a more innocent, smaller version of him and herself. He looked at it, they were smiling at the camera, playing together in a bright blue kiddie pool. He held a shovel up and pretended to lick it like an ice cream cone. Zoe had put the matching bucket on her head like a crown. Connor grabbed it off the wall with both hands, holding it gingerly for a moment before letting his face scrunch up into a scowl and threw it at Zoe. She screamed and ducked to the side as it crashed behind her, the glass going everywhere. She fell over on her hands and knees and started crawling as fast as she could towards the door where Connor slammed it shut in her face, smashing her hands underneath it.

"Ahhhhh!” Zoe sat up and held her fingers, sure they were broken, but no blood was there. Connor threw himself at her and the two tumbled around on the floor, Connor trying to pin her underneath him, and Zoe screaming, trying to wrestle him off her.

“Mooooom!!!!! Daaaaaaddddddd!!!!!” Zoe was screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs. Connor thought he heard someone shout back, the front door slamming shut, feet running towards the stairs. Connor finally got Zoe pinned underneath him, her arms out to each side as he straddled her, his thighs squeezing her tight, stopping her from falling about. He let go with one hand and grabbed her hair, pulling it in his fist as he watched Zoe’s tears leave streaks on her perfectly pink cheeks. Zoe managed to raise the arm Connor had let go of and smacked him, hard, on the side of his head. This cause him to let go of her hair long enough for her to sit up and butt him in the head again with her forehead. Connor fell off Zoe and she sat up, trying to get away but he held onto her arm, placing his mouth to her wrist he bit down until Zoe screamed again in pain, pulling away to find teeth marks that had almost broken through the skin.

Zoe wasn’t scared anymore. Now she was just as furious. She lunged at Connor, slapping, hitting, and scratching him like a wild animal. Their screams echoes down the hall where their parents had just walked through the door, arms full of groceries. Larry and Cynthia heard the screams of their children, gave each other one look, and ran up the stairs, side by side.

Connor's last effort to hurt Zoe before their parents arrived was to throw her against the closet, the side of her head smacking into the door knob. Zoe's ears rang from the force and she fell to the ground, Connor screaming at her, over and over, “I’m going to kill you! I’m going to kill you, Zoe Murphy!” until the broken door swung open and their parents came in, Larry grabbing Connor off of Zoe and Cynthia running to her daughter and scooping her up in her arms.

“I hate you!!” Connor screamed over the top of Zoe’s sobs. “I hate you, I’ll never forgive you!” Connor spat at Zoe as he flailed about in Larry’s arms, unable to get away. When they were outside the room, Larry pushed Connor towards the stairs, following close behind, saying, “Downstairs! Now!” Connor glared at his father but knew fighting him was going to do no good. Besides, he wasn't mad at him. It was Zoe he had a bone to pick with. He trudged down the stairs, Larry right behind him.

  
Cynthia held Zoe as she continued to cry. “I’m so sorry, baby,” Cynthia said. “I didn’t know you were serious when you sent me that text. We thought you guys were just…arguing…”

Zoe turned to glare at her mother. “Why would you think I’d joke about that?” She held her hand gingerly, examining the fingers that had been caught under the door when Connor slammed it. “I think he broke my hand. I can’t feel it.”

"Let’s get you to the emergency room. You’re going to need stitches above your eyebrow too.” Cynthia ran her hand across Zoe’s head, trying to calm her shaking daughter. “What happened?”

Zoe couldn’t talk, she was still shaking too bad. What would have happened had their parents not come home in time? Would Connor have really killed her? How much worse off would she be than some stitches and a broken hand?

"It’s okay, baby," Cynthia, helped her daughter to her feet and led her carefully out of the room and down the stairs. The passed a sulking Connor and furious Larry. The tension in the air was electric as Zoe and Connor stared at each other as they passed.

“I’m taking Zoe to the hospital to have them check out her hand, and get her stitched up.” Cynthia looked at Connor, but her look was none other than one of sadness, disappointed that this was what her son had come to; abusing his own sister as if he were a common criminal. The left out the front door without another words, leaving Larry and Connor sitting across from each other, one brooding, one exasperated.

"What on earth is going on with you, Connor?” Larry held his head in his hands. “It’s bad enough that you're verbally abusive to Zoe, but now you have to physically hurt her, too? What has gotten into you?”  
Connor ignored his questions, staring into the distance as if he weren’t even present.

“If you won’t tell me I’ll have to assume the worse, and I don’t want to do that, Connor.”

“Fuck you do,” Connor spat, Larry flinching at his language. “Even if I told you the truth, you and Mom always take Zoe’s side in everything, everything. It doesn’t matter what I say.”

"That's because she doesn't have the history of being a liar, like you do! You disappoint your mother every day. All she wants is for you and Zoe to get along. You two seemed to be doing so much better for a while, we were so happy to see you two getting along and acting like normal siblings, where the fights were in jest. Now you’ve reverted back to your old ways, it seems, and this time it’s gone to far. How can we trust you again? We can’t…we can't let you hurt your sister like this again."

"So what are you going to do, kick me out? I’ll be 18 in five months and then I can leave on my own. You won’t even have to ask me to leave. I’ll do it regardless.”

"If that’s what you want, Connor.” Larry stood up, a weary hand messaging his temples. “Why can’t you just let it go with Zoe? Why can’t you just let her be?”

"She hurt me! She…she's done something unforgivable and I want her to pay. I want her to feel the pain she's caused me, and everyone else, and I want her to be broken like she’s broken others.” Connor clenched his fist in his lap, his nails digging into his skin until he felt the skin give way, blood welling up in his palm.

"What did she do to you?”

Connor seriously thought about telling his Dad, telling him all Zoe had done, telling him about Evan, how Evan had cheated on them, and Zoe got revenge and now Evan was in the hospital and it took him almost dying for Connor to realize he was falling in love with him, and then he’d have to…

And then he'd have to tell his Dad he was gay, and that, on top of all of this tension, his fight with Zoe…they’d never understand him again. So instead, he confirmed his father’s words, and lied.

"You’ll have to ask Zoe. I’m not going to waste my breath trying to explain why she’s a bitch, and I'm not wrong for wanting her dead.”

"Connor!”

Connor stood up and stepped over to his father, face to face with Larry, who he was just inches away from being as tall as. “When Zoe tells you what she did, you’ll lose your precious little princess, and then you’ll have two disappointing children, instead of just one. Maybe we'll bond over that, Dad; the fact that we both failed you and Mom. Then maybe you’ll realize that you were worrying over the wrong child, and you should have been keeping an eye on Zoe, not me."

Connor spun on his heel and ran up the stairs, slamming his door shut where he began to frantically pack a bag with all his belongings. He grabbed a handful of clothes, his phone and charger, all the money he had folded into his dictionary, the book of trees, a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of vodka he’d stashed under his bed weeks ago, and a toothbrush and hair tie. The only thing he couldn’t find that he wished he had was the letter from Evan, that Zoe had used in her scheme. After glancing around his room one last time, Connor opened the window and climbed down the tree that led to the first floor of his house. He landed on the ground with a quiet thud, and he raced to his car, driving away into the night, no intention of coming back home, anytime soon.

 

Zoe sat with her Mom in the waiting room of the hospital emergency room. Her eyebrow had been stitched up, little pieces of dried blood still crusted into the hairs. Her hand hadn’t been entirely broken; just one finger. But the rest of her hand had multiple fractured bones, and now she wore a small pink hand cast that she had to keep on for the next 3 weeks. It was a cruel trick of karma. All she could see when she looked at it was Evan. She started crying again, and Cynthia thought it was the pain. She grabbed a glass of water and held it out with two ibuprofen. Zoe shook her head and pushed them away. “What's wrong, Zoe?”

"I want to go home. I'm tired.” She looked over at her mother who looked back with an equally tired expression.

"Okay, lets go.” They stood up, Cynthia holding Zoe’s pain med prescription in her hand, her purse in the other. “Your father said he made you a mini pizza to make you feel better when you got back.”  
Zoe didn’t think she could stomach anything right now, let alone pizza. “Oh.”

"Does that not sound good?”

“It’s sounds fine…”

They got in the car and Cynthia started it, backing out of the parking lot, and took off on down the road. Cynthia didn’t handle silence very well, so after a few seconds she simply had to ask, "What one earth were you and Connor fighting about? I’ve never seen you two fight like that, ever. My god, I thought he was going to kill you.”

Zoe hadn't really stopped crying all night, but now it felt on the verge of becoming inaudible sobs again. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t act like this wasn’t her fault any more. “I hurt someone.”

Cynthia glanced sidelong at her daughter, but kept her eyes on the road as she asked, “who?”

“My boyfriend…well, ex-boyfriend. At school.”

Cynthia remembered him, though she actually hadn’t ever met him. “Evan? The boy you were supposed to bring over for dinner the night before we left?”

“Yeah…actually, he did come over, before you got home,” Zoe was speaking through hiccups of tears. She had to get it all out in one go, or she wouldn’t be able to finish. “He came to tell Connor and I that he had lied, told a very big lie, and it made us both so furious that Connor and I kicked him out. We were so hurt, we wanted to get back at Evan, but…but when I told Connor my idea, he said…he said it was too harsh, and not a good idea. I should have listened to Connor, but I didn’t. I was too mad. So I, I did it anyway. I went to school and I made everyone write Evan a letter saying…mean things. And then I stole something…something of Connor’s that was special to Evan and showed it to everyone...and then…it went too far. I didn’t mean for Evan to get really hurt but…but he’s in the hospital now and…”

“Zoe Murphy! You bullied another student? At school? Wait…he’s in the hospital? What happened? Oh my god, Zoe, no.” Cynthia looked as if she might cry now too, and Zoe was worried that she might get so worked up that they’d crash. “Why is he in the hospital?”

"He,” Zoe hiccuped, “He overdosed on his meds.”

Cynthia knew what Zoe meant, even though she said it the other way around.

Her daughter had bullied someone into committing suicide.

"I don’t know who you are, but you are not my daughter.” Cynthia was crying now, though unlike Zoe, hers were silent tears. They didn’t look at each other the rest of the drive home. When they arrived back at the house, Larry was waiting in the kitchen, the smell of pizza wafting in the air. “There’s my girl, how about some pizza to heal your hand?” But when he saw their faces, he knew something was terribly wrong. “What happened?”

Zoe walked passed them up to her room where she laid down in the middle of the mess, broken glass and shattered memories her pillow tonight.

Tomorrow, the school would know what she had done.

Tonight, at least, she could tell the truth to someone. She reached for her phone and sent a single text message to someone she wasn’t even sure would answer it, or was even conscious enough to do so.

_It was me. I’m sorry I did this to you. I don’t think even you could hate me more than I hate myself right now. Maybe one day we’ll be able to forgive each other._

 

Connor drove around town for a good 45 minutes before realizing he had no idea where he was going to go. He had ran away before, sleeping one night in his car, then going home the next day. But this was different. He had had enough. He was going to cut the ties to his family long enough for them to realize that he was not to be messed with. If they thought he was the criminal then fine, that’s who he’d be. He'd make all their worst nightmares come true just long enough for them to be afraid. He couldn't do it from his car though…not alone, and not with no where to stay at least for a little while…then it hit him. He turned left at the next light at headed up into the hills where he knew one person wouldn’t be able to turn him away.

 

 

Jared couldn't believe this was happening right now.

"Connor, please leave before I call the cops, or worse, my parents, who are upstairs, and trying to sleep right now.” Jared looked so different without his glasses on, in his sweatpants and periodic table of elements t-shirt.

"Please, Jared, one night. I won't make a peep.”

"Next to Evan, you’re the worst liar I’ve ver met. We both know you don’t mean just one night, it’s going to be the next night and the next until god knows when. How am I supposed to bring girls if they find you in my bed instead?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Come on, my family are total bastards and I need time away from them and Zoe. Don’t make me sleep in my car. Do it for Evan, then, and not me.”

“If Evan were here, he’d kick you out too.”

Connor frowned. This was true. “Jared, let me in or I'll kick the shit out of you.”

“Fine!” Jared opened the door wider, a sarcastic sigh from his lips. “But just one night!”

“Deal.” Connor pushed passed him and surveyed the space. “Shit, Kleinman, you’ve got a nice pad.”

“Whatever, Murphy, just don't touch anything.” Jared led them up to his room where it was practically the entire loft that belonged to him. There was a TV, beanbag chairs, a desk with a very elaborate set up, a Queen size bed, and an armoire. Connor found one of the beanbag chairs and plopped down into it, throwing his bag against the wall. “Sweet set-up.”

Jared sighed as he climbed into his bed. “It’s modest.” He turned out the light. “Happy second day of Christmas break, loser.”

It was far from happy, but Connor let himself close his eyes and the darkness soon enveloped him.

Then, he started dreaming of all the things he would do once school started.

He was going to tear that place apart.

 

 

_I don't like your little games_  
_don't like your tilted stage_  
_the role you made me play_  
_of the fool, no, I don’t like you_  
_I don't like your perfect crime_  
_How you laugh when you lie_  
_You said the gun was mine_  
_Isn't cool, no, I don't like you_

_But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time_  
_Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time_  
_I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined_  
_I check it once, then I check it twice_

_Ooh, look what you made me do_  
_Look what you made me do_  
_Look what you just made me do_  
_Look what you just made me do_

 

 

 

 

_ 11 Weeks Later... _

  
Evan sat on his bed looking out the window down into the courtyard below. He held his phone in his hand, the screen opened on his text messages. It was the 9th of the month, and so we read that one text he had received on the 9th, three months earlier. He had never replied to it, but that's was okay because he had a feeling it wasn't meant to be replied to.

_It was me. I’m sorry I did this to you. I don’t think even you could hate me more than I hate myself right now. Maybe one day we’ll be able to forgive each other._

He hadn't seen Zoe Murphy in 3 months. He hadn't been to school in 3 months. He hadn't left the Cedar Oaks Psychiatric Hospital in 3 months. 3 was quickly becoming his least favorite number. That was of course, until it turned into 4.

But his mom had hope. She was convinced this was the month he would be set to come home. He was doing so much better and now that the district had approved his transfer, he had a new school to go to, and a new home too.

His mom had been offered a high paying internship in the city, that would accelerate her degree and gain her valuable experience in the legal field. To celebrate, she had put a down payment on a house. For the first time in his life, Evan was going to be living in an actual house, not an apartment. Now it was nothing fancy, mind you, but it was two stories, had a yard for Samson, and a driveway where they could park their cars! He looked forward to having his own garden to tend. Evan was already dreaming of planting an apple tree. That was all he wanted from his new home.

He looked at the text again. He wanted to reply and ask he how she was going. He wanted to know what had happened after he left Jefferson High, what the school had decide to do about the "situation" and specifically...what they did about Zoe. He wondered if she were alright. He didn't necessarily care...but he did wonder.

Evan was tempted to scroll down to where Connor Murphy's name sat in his contacts. He wondered what he was doing. He wondered if maybe he could talk to him again, since now he knew it was Zoe and not Connor who has essentially ruined his life that he was now trying to piece back together. He didn't text him though. He had known Connor was innocent for the last 3 months, but neither boy texted each other, or made any move to reach out to each other.

I guess that's just what happens when people fall out of love.

 

 

_ 7 weeks earlier.... _

 

Connor Murphy strolled back into Jefferson High on his first day of the second half of senior year. A cigarette dangled from his lips as he walked down the hall, students staring at him as he passed. The noise quieted down as his black boot heels clicked on the tile floor. His black jeans were ripped, and his leather jacket was a new replacement for the grey hoodie he had lost to a certain blue eyed boy a while back. His hair was a disastrous, tangled mess of curls that hung in his eyes. He blew out a puff of smoke as he passed a group of freshmen huddled in a corner. He glared at them as he passed. They flinched.

There was a new king of the halls now. And this time, he was here for blood.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I have a tumblr!! Please hmu with a message if you want to chat! I love talking and meeting new people. It doesn't have to be about this fic, or it can be all about this fic! I could literally talk about Connor and Evan for days. (Literally, I would role play them damn tree bros if someone would let me). My handle is @thewanderingapothecary. :D 
> 
> Also yes I quoted Taylor's new single cause I'm a piece of shiiiiiiit and it's perfect it fits so well with this chapter DONT HATE ON ME


	19. January

Evan walked into his room after his daily session. Dr. Lloyd was getting ready to make her rounds and Evan wanted to take a moment to rest before dealing with her numerous questions. She was still trying to get him to talk about what had happened at school, and about the Murphy’s, but Evan was as tight lipped as ever. 

His mom was sitting in the arm chair next to his bed reading a book. Since she had started her internship, her hours had become less insane and she had more time to come and visit her son at the hospital. Evan had to admit, it was nice having her around more. 

"Hey, sweetie, how did it go?”

Evan threw himself down on the bed. It felt more like living in a hotel rather than a hospital. His room didn’t have any medical equipment in it; just an emergency kit on the bookshelf that held the regular supplies, plus a syringe with his uniquely dosed relaxer in case of a severe anxiety attack. He also had a thin black bracelet that would beep whenever he passed through any doorways in the facility.

“It was fine,” he said, but didn’t elaborate. 

Evan had started talking again, although for the entire month of December during his two weeks in the regular hospital, and his first week here at Cedar Oaks, he didn’t say a peep. He wouldn’t answer any of the doctors questions, or the psychiatrists evaluations upon his admission. It was as if he knew they wouldn’t really listen to him, even if he spoke the truth. All they wanted to know was what had happened at school. No doubt because the school was pressuring them to find out any and all information they could to save their asses before it was too late. Their one key witness was hospitalized, but had survived, and he wouldn’t talk? How inconvenient. Fortunately for them, though, on the first day back at school, Zoe Murphy had confessed her involvement in the incident, and how she had organized the entire plot to bully Evan. She was expelled immediately, the incident going on her record, and now there was a very slight hope that she would get into college. Evan had to admit he was slightly sorry for her. Maybe it was the little part of his heart that still cared about her, but Evan really didn’t wish the worst on her. He didn’t want to see her ever again, that was for sure, but at least he knew it wasn’t Connor.

Connor.

He was mostly glad to hear that Connor wasn’t involved in the scheme, thanks to Zoe’s text. But he wasn’t fully ready to let Connor walk back into his life, especially since Connor had been nowhere around that entire day, when everything was going to shit. If he had really cared about Evan, wouldn’t he have been there? Done something to try and stop it? It made Evan extremely uncomfortable not knowing exactly how Connor felt about him. Them. Their…togetherness. Evan would often lie in bed before falling asleep, thinking about their first kiss, how much he ached and longed for it every day. But that was before. This was now. That was before the cheating and the lying came out, this was after Evan had tried to kill himself and had essentially become an entirely different person. This was after Connor told him he never wanted to see him again, and shut him out of his life forever. 

He and Connor hadn’t talked it…Evan did some quick math; 71 days. It had been 71 days with no texts, no words, no…

Wait. 

Evan remembered suddenly, something he had forgotten had even happened. Connor had visited him in the hospital. He had kicked him out, scared because he thought he was trying to finish what he started. Evan cringed to himself about that moment. All Connor was trying to do was make sure he was okay…was he? Evan wound his fingers in his hair and pulled. Why was this so hard to remember? He couldn’t remember what Connor had said. So he guessed it hadn’t been 71 days. It had been… 57. Yeah. 

God, why did that feel like a lifetime ago?

“Good,” Heidi said, closing her book, bringing Evan back to reality. She wouldn’t be able to focus on it while her son was in the room. When he was present, it was her one and only goal to make him feel protected and loved. “Everyone's been back at school for the last 3 weeks, so I thought I’d share these with you; get you excited for when you can go back! I got some pamphlets from this school on the west side of town. I thought we could look at them together, see what you think. It’s called Blue Pine High School.” She handed Evan a flyer and he took it, pulling his knees up to his chest, he leaned back against his pillows and flipped it open. The cover showed a relatively small brick building, 2 stories, with tall pine trees all around it. It looked like it was practically in the middle of the forest. The students on the front wore matching uniforms.

“Is this a private school?” Evan asked, a quizzical eyebrow raised in concern. Private schools were expensive, and Evan was sure they didn’t have the money for that right now. 

“No,” Heidi said. “They just enforce the dress code because they want to keep an air of everyone being on the same playing field, you know? No one is different, we are all the same under the umbrella of education.” Heidi looked pleased with her analogy but Evan rolled his eyes. She had a habit of making everything sound less desirable. 

“Oh, great.” Evan kept reading and got confused when he turned to the page that said, “ _Choose your academy!_ ” “What does this mean?” He pointed and the page and flipped it around to show Heidi. 

“Oh! So that's what’s really cool about this school!” She sat forward in her seat, a thing she did when she got really excited about something, like a really intense part when they went to the movies. “Of course everyone takes the same basic classes - writing, math, reading, etcetera - but beyond that, you get to pick an academy to be a part of and then the rest of your classes are only geared towards what you want to do for a career! Like, what you want to major in at college!”

“Huh,” Evan shrugged and looked at the different academy names: “Mozart, Edison, Audubon, Shakespeare, Renoir, Dickens, Aristotle, and Parkinson. Sheesh, why are there so many?” Evan felt overwhelmed. How was he supposed to choose one?

“Because they want each student to really feel like they’re getting specific, individualized attention. They don’t want anyone wasting their time learning other skills, when they can be honing their talents towards the study of choice! I think it’s awesome.”

“Yeah, it is,” Evan agreed, although he still didn’t know how one was supposed to choose. “The pamphlet doesn’t talk about each academy.” He flipped it over in his hand. “Are their more papers in that packet?” He pointed at the thing his mom was holding. She pulled out a piece of paper that listed them all out. She handed it to Evan and he took it, reading each one carefully. He glazed over the arts ones (him? On a stage?? Absolutely not. Never ever in a million years) and slowed down when he got to the science ones. Then when he reached “Audubon” he thought he heard a bell ding. “Whoa,” he said under his breath. It read, _Audubon: The Academy of Natural Sciences. We encourage any student who feels at home in the outdoors to join us in the Audubon Academy for studies on plants, weather, astronomy, animals, chemistry, and more._

“I want to go to this one,” Evan pointed at it and passed it to his mom.

“Sounds perfect for you, Evan!”

They smiled at each other, and continued to read together in silence. After 30 minutes, where Evan just about dozed off, their was a knock on the door and Dr. Lloyd stepped through the threshold. Evan tried not to frown. 

“Hello, Evan, Mrs. Hansen.” She stepped forward and shook hands with Heidi, who smiled and tried not to comment on the fact that every time they said hello, Dr. Lloyd acted like it was the first time they’d ever met. “Looking forward to getting back to school, Evan?”

He didn’t say anything back.

“We were just looking at the new school Evan’s going to attend.” Heidi grabbed one of the flyers and handed it to Dr. Lloyd. She glanced at it and then slipped it into her notebook. “Looks nice,” she said. Evan wanted to face plant into his pillow and scream. “It’s time for my weekly session with Evan, Mrs. Hansen, if you wouldn’t mind stepping out for a bit.”

“Not at all,” Heidi grabbed her book and purse. “I’ve actually got to go do some errands and stop into the office to pick up some paperwork, so I’ll be completely out of your hair.” She went over and kissed Evan on the top of his head goodbye and was soon out the door. It shut with an echoing thud and lock, but Evan told himself that was just his imagination. That’s what it felt like whenever he was left alone in a room with Dr. Lloyd. 

She turned to him, completely passive and unemotional. She found the chair his mother had just been sitting it and grabbed it, taking it to sit directly in front of him as he huddled up on the bed, staring out the window in an attempt to look uninterested. 

“Evan, I know you hate these sessions, but I promise you, if you just talk it through with me, you’ll feel much better. I promise.”

Evan tried not to roll his eyes, but he did it anyway. Dr. Lloyd hadn’t managed to help him, ever, not even when he first started seeing her almost 2 years ago. 

“Your mother was telling me about some other teenagers who were friends of yours, the Murphy’s? Zoe Murphy was the one who hurt you at school, yes?”

Evan glanced over then, surprised that his mother would bring them up.

“She said you were very close to them before this all happened. Why did you never mention them?”

_Because I was fucking in love with both of them, at the same time, but decided cheating on them was better than choosing one, or telling the truth. Ya know, normal, socially inept teenager stuff._

_“_ I think you should tell me what happened.” 

But should he? Now that Zoe had confessed, and the school had found their sacrifice, what had he to lose? He wouldn’t see either Murphy ever again, he was going to a new school. The town wasn’t that small. It was very likely he would never have to face that shame again. Would talking about it really make him feel better? Maybe…maybe it was worth a try. He certainly wouldn’t spill it all, right now, but…he had to start somewhere. 

“We were close,” Evan whispered, returning his gaze back out the window. “I…” It hurt to say it out loud. “I was dating Zoe before.”

“And did she always bully you?”

“No, she is…was really nice to me. She was a good girlfr - er…a good friend.”

“What happened?”

“She…I wasn’t being honest with her so…we broke up.”

“I take it you're not very good at being straightforward.”

Evan nodded.

“Your mother mentioned a brother? What’s his name?”

And there it was. Evan couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say Connor’s name out loud so he just nodded again. Dr. Lloyd scribbled something in her notebook and watched Evan carefully as she continued, not asking him again what his name was, since she knew that wouldn’t get them very far. 

“And were you close with him?”

No nod, but Evan did start to get choked up, a small hiccup escaping his throat as he tried not to start crying. More notes on the page. Dr. Lloyd decided to change the subject. “And this school,” she pulled out the pamphlet Heidi had handed to her earlier. “Are you excited to go somewhere new? Meet new people?”

“I guess…it’s only for the last half of the year, and then I’m done with school. It’s not like I’m going to make any friends.” Evan hugged his knees tighter. He’d never made any friends before Connor and Zoe…he had a feeling he wouldn’t make any friends ever again.

“I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to me,” she said. “I think having a fresh start is really going to help you, Evan.” She stood up and tucked away her papers. “And Evan?”

He looked to her.

“I want you to know that I can’t help you unless you talk to me about the Murphy’s and your feelings and struggles with what happened. I can’t know how to help you until I know what’s wrong. I know you want to leave here and start fresh, but I can’t let you leave until I know you can get through this. Please let me help you, Evan.” She started for the door, and as she was turning the knob, Evan stopped her with one word.

“Connor." 

Dr. Lloyd stopped in her tracks.

“His name is Connor.”

Evan started to cry.

“And he was my best friend.”

 

 

 

Jared smacked his head down on his desk, swivel chair writhing underneath him as the sounds of Call of Duty were paused on his desktop. “There’s no way in fucking hell I am helping you do that. You are out of your mind. Leave me alone.”

Connor actually growled. “Come on, Kleinman, if there’s anything that Hansen taught me it’s that you’re in everybody’s business. You know all their shit.”

Jared rolled around in his seat. “Geeee, thanks Evan,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It’s bad enough that you’ve been living in my house for the past 6 weeks, Murphy, do you really have to drag me into this feud you have with your sister too?”

“It’s not about my sister anymore,” Connor huffed, throwing himself on Jared’s bed. “It’s about justice for Evan.”

Jared let his glasses fall down the bridge of his nose. “That’s what all psycho criminals say.”

Connor flew back off the bed and over to Jared where he towered over him, hands on his hips. “Just give me some info and I’ll leave you alone!!”

“You could actually just leave, like my house. See over there? That’s the door. Feel free to walk out of it. Or, if you prefer, there’s also this lovely window over here you could jump out of too. Break a leg, might slow you down, but I’m sure you’ll manage. Then Evan can sign your cast.”

“I hate you, Kleinman.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

They stared each other down.

“Ughhhhhhhh,” Jared got out of his chair and walked to his closet. “You are a bully, Murphy. I can’t wait till this is over and I can live stress free again. You and Evan need to fuck already so I can sleep in peace again.”

Connor’s cheeks went red. “Shut the fuck up, Jared.”

“Why? Why do you always get so defensive whenever I bring up Evan? You’re the one who broke up with him after all.” Jared was digging through his closet looking for something. Clothes and comic books and paraphernalia flying out behind him. Connor ducked past a soccer ball that almost hit him in the head. He scowled. 

“We weren’t even dating! I can’t break up with someone I wasn’t dating!”

“Suuurrrrreeee, you keep telling yourself that, pal. Going to the coast, and hiding away in an orchard to make out is definitely not dating.”

“We didn't make out! Wait…how do you know about the orchard?” Connor was genuinely concerned now. He hadn’t ever mentioned that to Jared since living with him. Jared had managed to pull out quite a bit of information out of him, but that was not one of the things. The orchard was Evan and Connor’s special place. He would never tell anyone about it.

Jared stopped shuffling through his things, his shoulders hunched up, tense. “Uhh…..well, Evan mentioned it in passing once. Said it was his favorite place on earth and that you guys went there a couple times.”

“He…he told you that?” Connor felt slightly betrayed. It seemed so unlike Evan to share that with Jared. Connor tried to shrug it off but it ate at him like a worm through an apple.

“Yeah, dude talked about you a lot. I tried to tell him he’d get himself in deep shit if he didn’t tell you about Zoe, but the dude has a habit of ignoring good advice. Hence why we’re not super close anymore. I’m full of fucking fabulous advice, my friend.” Jared began searching again. Finally he found what he was looking for; it was a small shoe box which he brought over to the bed and carefully took off the lid. It was full of photographs. 

"Little known fact about moi," Jared said with a smirk. “I’ve been the school newspaper photographer since sophomore year.”

Connor grabbed a handful of pictures and started shuffling through. He recognized most all the faces, but these…these weren’t picture for the school paper. At least, they were pictures no one would _ever_ want publicized _anywhere_. They were…incriminating. Just what Connor wanted. “Oh my god, Kleinman. These are…”

“Saucy, salty, snarky, and everything in between.” He giggled gleefully. “I know! Some kids are so stupid. They do the dumbest shit at school thinking no one sees but,” he laughed, “I’ve always got my eye on them.”

“Zoe didn't tell me who was involved, but I do have a guess. I know at least one person who would never let Zoe do this alone.” Connor dug through the box until he found it. He held up a photo of Alana Beck, in an empty classroom, riffling through a teacher’s desk. “Any idea what’s going on here?” he asked Jared.

Jared shook his head, almost sad. “Yeah…she stole the answers to a midterm. No one aced it but her. Coincidence? I don’t think so.”

“Shit.” Connor never would have pinned Alana as a cheater. 

“Yeah, fucked up. I wouldn’t be surprised if even more of her GPA is a lie.”

Connor stuffed the photo in his back pocket, returning to the rest of the photographs in the box. “Who else do you have in here?”

“Anyone and everyone,” Jared said, walking to his computer and putting his headset back on. “I’ve got another box in the closet, just let me know if you need more.” He hit play, then pause again. “Oh, and I want to okay the ones you take first. _AND_ , I want them _all_ back. _All of them_ , or I’ll kill you, Murphy. Like I said, I’m not getting involved. You don’t say anything about where you got these, you understand, twat?” 

“My lips are sealed.”

“What are you going to do with these exactly?” Jared asked.

Connor smirked and grabbed his backpack from the corner. Unzipping it slowly, he reached inside and grabbed a stack of letters tied up with rubber bands. 

“Holy shit,” Jared gasped. “Where the fuck did you get those? Those are -“

“The letters, yeah,” Connor confirmed. “When the paramedics took Evan, they left his backpack so I grabbed it and brought it home with me. It’s still at my house, but I made sure to grab all the letters first.”

“What are you going to do with them?” Jared was sure whatever it was, it wasn’t going to be easy, or particularly fun, for anyone involved.

“That's for me to do, and you to find out. Don’t worry, no one will get hurt, I swear on my life.”

“You don’t give much value to your life, Murphy. That’s not a very comforting swear.”

Connor laughed. The sound made Jared extremely uncomfortable.

Jared shrugged it off and returned his attention to his game, and Connor went to the bed and sat down, quietly riffling through the photos. It was amazing, the secrets this shoebox contained. Connor felt oddly discomforted by the fact Jared had all these. What on earth did he plan to do with them? Senior year was almost over. What would they matter after school was out and they all dispersed to different parts the country? Connor pulled out photo after photo, taking in the drama that was Jefferson High. He saw every sin imaginable on display before him. These, the seven deadly sins.

Jocks smoking weed in the locker room.

Cheerleaders stuffing their faces with pizza.

A kid stealing cash from a stray jacket hung over a chair. 

Two bullies pinning a freshman against a locker. 

A scorned lover watching her crush with another. 

Quarterback perched atop a cafeteria table, as his buddies cheered him on.

And…

Connor felt his stomach churn into knots. He pulled out a photo he wished he’d never seen, and wished had never existed in the first place.

It was him, Connor Murphy, arms wrapped around the smaller form of none other than blue eyed Evan Hansen. Lips in passionate connection, hands in hair, clothes half off.

Connor winced to himself. Of course Jared saw. Jared works for the paper. That’s _his_ fucking news room. What a fool he was. He grabbed the photo and shoved it in his back pocket, along with the one of Alana. He stood up from the bed, smashing the lid back on the box. “I’ll be right back.”

Jared turned around and lowered his headphones. “What? It’s after 11, and it’s like below freezing outside.”

“I’ll only be gone for a little.” And Connor left the room before Jared could stop him. He went out the front door and down the sidewalk to his car, where he unlocked the door and got inside, but didn’t start the engine. He just sat there for a moment before taking out the picture of him and Evan and setting it upright on his dash. He stared at it for a while, trying to remember every tiny detail of that moment. He touched his hair, remembering Evan’s hands in it, the way he had tugged as he moaned Connor’s name. He remembered the feel of Evan’s bare chest pressed up against his own. The way their bodies had moved with each other, their kiss that was hot, heavy, passionate, and all too real. Connor let his hand slide between his thighs, undoing his belt as he closed his eyes. He saw Evan’s face in his mind, his smile and hands, the light dusting off the freckles that covered his nose and cheeks. He imagined holding him again, his lips on Evan’s neck as he sucked on the sweet skin behind his ear. He wanted Evan to be here, right now. He wanted to hold him, to feel his lips move against his own again. He wanted to take back all the horrible things he’d ever said to him. He wanted to forgive him for the pain he’d caused him…the pain they’d caused each other. All he wanted was to hold his hand again, hold his body, kiss away his tears and say “I love -“

Connor let out a moan as his body quivered from pain into pleasure. He let his head fall back, gasping for air, as he stopped moving long enough to breathe. 

He opened his eyes and looked back at the picture, his fist slamming into the stereo, as he wondered how hard he’d have to hit it to break his hand. 

And then he cried and cried and cried and cried.

 

 

 

Evan woke up to a knock on his door. He called out for them to come in, and it was opened by a bright faced nurse. 

“Hey there, I’m just making a little delivery for you.” She was holding a box in her hands, wrapped in rainbow paper with a gigantic silver bow. “The wrapping is slap dash,” she laughed. “But boy did they choose some fun colors! Is it your birthday?”

“N-no…” Evan felt extremely uncomfortable. He did not get gifts. _Ever_. Not unless it was Christmas or his birthday, of which it was neither. The nurse handed it to him and he took it, awkwardly. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” She started to leave but Evan stopped her, asking, “Who’s it from? There's no tag.”

“I don’t know, love. Just got here this morning and it was sitting on my desk.” She smiled and exited the room.

Evan stared at the present in his hands for a good five minutes before carefully undoing the bow. He sat it next to him on the bed. Then he carefully undid all the tape that lined the box, being sure not to rip any of the paper, even though it was already horribly crinkled and worn. After he had folded it up and sat it with the bow, Evan took off the lid and looked inside. He gasped with delight when he pulled out a mini bonsai tree, already potted in a ceramic dish. It was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. He held it gingerly in his hands and set it down carefully on the window sill next to him. He smiled incredibly wide as the sun hit it so delightfully. He looked in the box and also pulled out a bonsai tree care kit, complete with clippers and fertilizer, and a book called “The Hidden Life of Trees”. Evan sat them down in his lap and tossed the box aside. He felt like he could cry, this was without a doubt the best gift he’d ever received. But there was no card, no tag…who was it from? 

He felt his heart beat a little faster, his palms grow sweaty, and his head grow dizzy. He got up quickly and locked the door, leaning his back against it as he imagined Connor - even it wasn’t him who the gift was from - handing it to him at the door, and the kiss he’d give as thanks. How the kiss would grow, hotter and heavier, until they stumbled passionately onto the bed, layer after layer that separated them becoming nonexistent.

Evan blushed at this thing he did. How he let himself have these thoughts, even though they were nothing more than hopeless daydreams. He let himself keep them long enough to feel the warmth spread through his body before sliding to the floor, head in his hands, crying because he wished what he imagined was real.

 

 

 

Connor found Alana sitting in the library, her head bent studiously over a textbook, hand furiously writing notes. “ _What an act”,_ Connor thought. He walked over to her and pulled out the seat across the table, kicking his feet up and shuffling her papers with his boots. She looked up, startled, but the surprise soon turned to disgust. “What do _you_ want?” she scorned. 

“Just saying hi,” Connor replied sarcastically.

“Hi. Now leave me alone, please.”

“Sheesh, why are you so cranky?”

“Thanks to you my best friend got kicked out of school - “

“Um, pretty sure Z did that all on her own,” Connor inturupted.

“ - and now I hardly ever get to see her anymore because of it!”

Connor snorted and put his hands behind his head. “Why’s that? Because you’re too busy studiously preparing for all your papers, quizzes, and exams?” 

“Yes, actually, that’s exactly why.”

“Oh, that’s funny.”

“What?” She looked at him, still scornful, but less sure. “What is with that stupid look on your face?”

“You just act like you’re this innocent studious type all the time, but you’re really a liar and a cheat.”

Alana’s eyes went wide before hardening her eyebrows into an even deeper scowl. “You’re full of shit, Connor Murphy. You don’t even know what it’s like to study for an exam. You don’t give a fuck about your grades.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But I take it you do.”

"Well of course I do!” She raised her voice, then lowered it again after realizing they were in the library, and definitely not alone.

“Enough to steal the answers to a midterm from the teacher’s desk?”

Alana dropped her pencil, the sound echoing through the room. Her mouth fell open as Connor pulled out a photo and slid it across the table between them. “Where the fuck did you get that?” She reached for it, but Connor pulled it back, fast. 

“Ah ah ah. Nope, you can’t have that, sorry.”

“What do you want. I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t tell anyone. Burn it, please.” Alana looked like she might cry, her chest rose and fell with heavy, anxious breaths. 

“Okay, well, you can start by signing this.” Connor then proceeded to pull out a folded piece of paper from his pocket next. He opened it, and quietly read, “Dear Evan Hansen, when you’ve messed up so bad, what the hell is even still holding you together? Sincerely, Me.”

“What is your deal?” Alana looked like she was going to break in half, ready to scream and cry all at the same time. “How do you even know which one is mine?”

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter whose is whose. I just need it signed by someone who was involved. But, thankfully for me, your handwriting matches.” He pointed to her homework, and then back at the letter. Perfect match.

“You’re an asshole.”

“No,” Connor stood up and leaned across the table, his nose inches away from Alana’s. “ _You’re_ the asshole. Don’t bully other kids for no reason, don’t pressure people into committing suicide, and don’t be an asshole, Alana. Now sign the goddamn letter.”

Alana grabbed her pencil and Connor gripped her wrist and she let out a little yelp. “I’m not stupid,” he laughed. “Pen, you bitch.”

She exchanged her writing utensil and scribbled out her name on the letter. Connor let her go. “There, you bastard. You got what you wanted. Now give me that picture.” 

“Nope, I need one more things from you first. Give me a name.”

“A name?” 

“A name of someone else who was involved.”

“I don’t know who all was involved, Connor, I -”

“Stop trying to weasel out of this,” Connor slammed his fist on the desk, causing the lamp they shared to shake. “Zoe told me she told you to write a letter, and then told you to tell one other kid to do the same. Pass it on shit. So, who did you tell?”

Alana was silent. She was seriously weighing whether ratting out another student was worth not worrying about Connor Murphy having that image in his possession. It would ruin her GPA, ruin her chances of getting into medical school. This was a breaking point. 

And she broke. 

“Tom McMahon.”

“Thank you.” Connor slid the picture across the table, and Alana took it in her hands like a wild animal, shoving it into her laptop case. “It was a pleasure doing business with you.” He stood up, winked at her, and walked out of the library with a swing in his step.

1 down, 99 more to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading, you all are SAINTS <3 and if you have time and feel like it, please shoot me a message on tumblr. I don't have many friends in real life, so I get super lonely, (and besides internet friends from all over the world are waaaaaaay better!!) my handle is @thewanderingapothecary. Or if you don't do the Tumblr scene, we can also exchange emails cause that's chill too! And super appropriate for DEH fans amiright? 
> 
> Also I always reply, to everything, and I'm super fast. Share and send love! Let's exchange Tree Bros fan art and become best friends, okay? Okay!!!


	20. February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder (and apology) that I don't edit any of these chapters before posting! I'm too anxious to get them out to you so sorry for the obvious typos!

Heidi burst into the room, her arms full of shopping bags. “How’s my boy today?”

Startled, Evan nearly jumped out of his skin, dropping the tiny bonsai clippers he held in his hands. He was sitting on the bed on his knees, the bonsai tree in front of him on the window sill. It had grown twice as big in the last month, and looked healthier than it did when he had received it. He turned around to find his mother dumping her bags in the arm chair.

  
“Guess what I picked up for you today? I know it might be a little premature, but Dr. Lloyd said you’re getting real close to being on your way out of this place!”

Heidi grabbed a small white bag and pulled out a navy sweater vest, complete with an embroidered patch on the upper left breast pocket. It was the school crest for Blue Pine High School. Heidi held it up to Evan’s chest. “Looks like a perfect fit!” She beamed. She was so excited. “I also got you a few different button down shirts to wear under it, and a few different pairs of pants. Some black, grey, navy, and of course, khaki, cause they’re your favorite.” She pulled each item out as she said them and practically threw the clothes at Evan as she went.

Evan felt embarrassed as his mom showered these gift on him, even if they were necessary. “Mom, you don’t have to buy me new clothes. I’m only going to be going there for like 4 months, if that. And new clothes are expensive.”

“I wanted to spoil you, for once in your life. I had a good day, and I wanted to share it with my son.” Heidi moved the pile of clothes aside so she could sit next to Evan on the bed. “You must feel like you live in a closet here, baby. I’m so sorry.”

"It’s not that bad…” Evan lied. “I’ve gotten used to it. And besides, you brought in all those pictures of Samson so I don’t get lonely. Although really having Samson here would be better than just pictures of him.”

“Nothing beats puppy snuggles,” Heidi agreed.

"And I’ve got my bonsai to keep me busy. They take lots of care, did you know that?” Evan’s eyes beamed at the opportunity to talk about what he’d learned about a new kind of plant. “I read all about them in this book,” he held up The Hidden Life of Trees, “and I’ve realized that there’s so much more to caring for them than -“

“Sweetie,” Heidi said, gently grabbing the outstretched book from her sons hands, “where did you get this?”

Evan blushed, thought he couldn’t place why. “I-I’m not sure? A nurse brought it to me a few weeks ago, it came with the tree. Said someone left it at the desk for me.”

“No card?”

Evan shook his head.

“Huh, well…that was very nice of them, whoever it was.” Heidi gave a half grin, and began to fidget with the bedskirt.

“Evan, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Evan turned to face his mom, swinging his legs over the bed so they were facing each other. “Yeah?” Whatever she was about to say would be big, Evan could tell, but he couldn’t tell if it would be something good or something…not so good.

“As I’m sure you know, this internship I’m doing with Brown and Brown is going splendidly. They say I have plenty of potential, my grades from law school are good, and I have a real passion for what I do, which is true,” Heidi smiled. “So…they gave me a raise.”

“Mom! That’s so great!” And it was. Evan meant it. But Heidi wasn’t smiling. 

“It is…but baby, I made a big decision, something I’ve been thinking about ever since I started with the company, and I didn’t run it by you before moving forward because…well I didn’t want to get your hopes up before I was sure it was happening.”

Evan didn't say anything. He just waited for his mom to go on. 

"I went ahead and made an offer on a house…”

Evan’s eyes went wide.

“And we got it!”

Evan’s mouth dropped as Heidi wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “We’re going to have a real house, sweetie! No more leaking sink, no more tiny bedrooms. We’ll have an actual dining room! One that’s not in the living room, and Samson will have a yard. We can let him outside and not have to watch him, or worry about him getting out! And, this is the best part…the house has central air conditioning!”

Now Evan was paying attention.

“Really?!” he double checked.

“Yes!”

Evan didn't know what else to say. This was…wonderful, but it was also…scary. They’d lived in their tiny apartment since he was 6 years old. He didn’t remember anything but being there. Moving was a foreign idea. He’d have to pack up all his things in boxes, load it all into a moving truck and drive to a new neighborhood in a new part of town with new neighbors. He’d have to say goodbye to early morning walks across the street for coffee, no more lazing in the park with Samson on his leash. No more late night walks to the movies, the jazz club (which he actually would sit outside and listen to from the patio since he wasn’t allowed into the bar, obviously.) He would oddly miss all that. No what would he have to do? Jogs around the suburbs, maybe an elementary school nearby, buses stopping at the end of the block, would there even be any business around he could walk to? Why was this making him oddly upset? 

Change is a fucking hard thing, he thought.

He began to cry, out of frustration that he wasn’t happier for his mom.

“Evan!” Heidi pulled away and reached for a tissue to hand him. “What’s wrong? Are you upset I didn’t tell you sooner?”

"N-no,” Evan hiccuped. “I’m super happy for you. I’m just…it’s so…”

Heidi knew what he was trying to say. “It’s a lot baby, I know. It’s a lot of new things to handle in such a short amount of time isn’t it?”

Evan nodded. That was the understatement of the year. In only 5 months he’d…  
  
Made two best friends…  
Had two lovers…  
Lost two best friends…  
Lost two lovers…  
Almost died…  
Been committed to a psychiatric hospital…  
Been stuck in that hospital for 3 months (so far)…  
Switched schools…  
And was now moving.  
  
All he really wanted was to hug his dog right now, and he couldn’t even do that, dammit. So he just kept crying, instead. At least he had his bonsai tree. He had named it Charlie (after Perks of Being a Wallflower.) He didn’t tell anyone he named the tree, of course, because then he’d probably be stuck in the hospital for another 3 months. Geez.

After letting his mom hold him for a while, he finally sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes, saying, “Final answer; I’m really happy and excited and can’t wait to move.”

Heidi smiled, relieved that this was the case. “I get the keys at the end of this week, and then I’m going to start moving things over, little by little. We are in our apartment till the end of the month anyway, so I’m not going to worry about rushing ourselves.”

“Where is it?”

"The new house actually isn’t that far from where we are now. It’s about three miles from our apartment, just past the other side of downtown, on the East side. It’s by a beautiful little church, in a nice quiet neighborhood. It’s two stories, but not very big. It has a good size backyard - plenty big for Samson, and enough room for you to start a garden if you want.”

Evan’s eyes lit up at the word. “Really? Like, I can’t plant flowers and maybe even some fruit trees?”

Heidi laughed, “Maybe one fruit tree. It’s got quite a few plants back there already, so you’ll have to see how much room you can make. We have a driveway too. So you don’t have t park your car on the street anymore. No more parking tickets!” 

Evan rolled his eyes and they laughed together. “Saving that money alone will pay for our electric bill.”

“Very true.” Heidi kissed Evan on the forehead. “I’ll take pictures and show you after I get the keys, okay? I can’t wait for you to see your room. It has a lovely little alcove with a window that looks onto the street, with ivy climbing up the front. You’ll absolutely love it, I know it.” 

Evan smiled back at her. “I’m sure I will too.” After she had gone, off to class for the evening, Evan grabbed the clothes off the bed and started folding them neatly, and slid them into the drawers of the small chest he had in his room. He fingered the sweater vest and let a tiny smile twitch at the corner of his mouth. He was beyond nervous to attend a new school, but the more he reminded himself it was only for a few months before he graduated, he could finally breathe. Then of course that thought would bring on the inevitable question that every high schooler struggles with upon graduation…

What comes next?

Evan had spent many a day and night lying on his small, twin size hospital bed thinking about his answer to this. He of course loved plants and nature, and wanted to do something with that. He thought maybe he’d spend the summer volunteering at another national park. He really had enjoyed camping every night in another great spot of the par; only him and his sleeping bag and daily log. Not even his phone (well, he of course had his phone with him but it had connection only about 5% of the time.) Evan was pretty sure he’d do this again, but what about when he got back? Would he go to college, and if he did, would it be out of state, in another town, community college? He knew his mom had next to no money to give him for college, and although this was disappointing - especially since people like Jared’s parents were paying for almost the entirety of his college career - he wasn’t particularly deterred by it. He’d probably do a year at community college and then transfer to a bigger school if he was doing good. And then of course there was the idea of a gap year. Maybe he could just work and do something really…adventurous. He wanted to maybe write a book, about him and his experiences, trials, and mistakes. Share his pain in an attempts to help other people. Or maybe he’d hike across the United States, trying every different type of taco he could find (Evan really liked tacos. They were his favorite food.) He’d just carry a big ole backpack and set up his tent every night and take pictures of birds and plants and document them in a notebook. Or he’d learn to sail, he lived so close to the ocean already anyway. Maybe he could get an apprenticeship on a boat.  
All of these ideas were exciting and thrilling, but they all made him struggle with that one idea, and one thing he was always so terrible at: being adventurous. Evan was always, and had always been, to scared to try anything new. Hence why he’d never been to the orchard before Connor agreed to go with him. He was afraid of the unknown, of being alone, but that was ridiculous because he had never been more alone than he was at this moment. Locked in a cold, dimly lit, sterile hospital room. It was starting to get to him so bad that Evan had taken to walking the halls of the hospital at least once, if not twice, a day. So he pushed himself off the bed and slipped a sweater over his head before heading out the door, the soft beep from his tracker signaling his exit as he went. 

He walked his floor first, the third floor, and topmost one. It was about a quarter after four in the afternoon and the most popular time of day for all the patients to be taking their naps. He felt groggy himself, but napping always made him feel more lonely than if he were awake.

He peeked in a few windows and saw some older ladies play chess in the game room. Evan had only been in there a couple times, mostly to use the small library they had, or to play monopoly with his mom. 

He continued walking, going down the stairs rather than take the elevator because he knew he needed some sort of exercise if he was going to avoid getting completely chubby off the horrible food they served here. Heidi would bring him salads once a week and Evan practically wolfed it down without breathing he was so famished for leafy greens. At the hospital, he ate a lot of white bread sandwiches, and without the cheese (which he had to pick off because they refused to make it without it on it) there wasn’t much substance there. For drinks, he drank a shit ton of water, and occasionally some very watered down kool-aid or lemonade.

When he got to the main floor, where the lobby was, he noticed it was rather full for an afternoon at four. Evan went up to the front desk where his favorite receptionist, Shelly, was sitting behind the computer with her hair curled in golden waves and bright red lipstick. She was too bright for this place. She was the sun when the darkness came. A good analogy since she worked the half of the graveyard shift. 

“Hey Shelly,” he waved, timidly.

"Hey Evan! How are you doing today? Going for your walk I see.”

“Yep, and pretty good. It’s kind of rainy and grey out so I wanted to get up and keep myself awake. What are these people doing here? We're usually quiet around here by now."

"Well they just dropped their son off. Looks like you'll have a new face to get used to around here."

"Oh." Evan didn't like meeting new people, or sharing, generally. It must be an only child thing, he assumed.

"Oh, by the way," Shelly said, "It's a good thing you stopped by here cause I have a letter for you, and I would have totally forgotten to have it delivered to your room.”

"Huh?” A letter, for him? That was…unheard of. 

"Yeah, it’s addressed to you? No retune address, but it clearly says Evan Hansen in the front.” She handed it to Evan across the counter. He took it into his hands, and it was typed on the envelope so he couldn’t even guess who it might be from the handwriting. Jared was supposed to be coming to visit him that even so maybe he'd have an idea about it? He thanked Shelly and walked over to one of the empty waiting chairs and ripped the envelope open. He pulled out a nice white, crips sheet of parchment paper and unfolded the letter. He started to breathe quickly when it started the way too many of his other letters had started. He was having flashbacks already.  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_What is something you’ve always wanted to do? What is your biggest dream, or…not even that. It doesn't have to be one of your biggest dreams. What's just one little thing you've always wanted to do, experience, see, believe, but have never given yourself permission to pursue? Maybe you’ve never been brave enough, or strong enough, or believed in yourself enough to do that one thing, but I hope you know what one thing I'm talking about. There is that one thing for everyone. I want you to know that I want you to do it. I want you to take that deep breath, rush forward, and grab your dreams by the horns and follow them wherever they lead you. I want to be there, too, if you want me to be. Maybe you don't want me there, and I wouldn’t blame you. But if you could…give me another chance...that would be my dream. That would be my one thing that I want to do but am to scared to believe I can allow myself to have. It’s you._

_Think about what your one thing is…and let me know. I’ll help you catch it someday. And then we can both check those things off our lists._

_Sincerely,  
Me_

By the time Evan finished the letter, he was crying. He had cried a lot these last 3 months. Maybe that’s what being here was actually for, that he would cry out all his sadness and then magically get better. Shelly had apparently gotten up fro her desk and came over to him because she had seen him cry, and when she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, he jumped. “Are you okay?” she asked. Evan nodded furiously and stood up, gently pushing past her. 

“Yeah, I’m going to…I’m going to go…” and he rushed off down the hall with his letter before any of the other nurses could stop him.

By the time he'd ran back up the stairs to the 3rd floor, he was out of breath. He slowed down as he walked past the game room, peeking in the window and finding it empty. On a whim he pushed the door open and stepped inside. He put the letter in his back pocket and went to sit down at one of the tables and began working on a giant puzzle that no one had been able to finish yet. Evan liked puzzles, especially giant ones of famous landmarks. This one was of Mount Rushmore and was proving quite a challenge for everyone since it was mostly grey scale. He spent a good twenty minutes working on it alone when he heard the door squeak open and looked up to see another boy step into the room.

He didn't recognize him, but guessed he was about the same age as himself. He had dark black hair that hung in his eyes, which were startlingly green when the managed to flash in the light. Evan felt suddenly nervous, being the only person in the room, he prayed he wouldn’t come over and try to talk to him. He looked back down at his puzzle and stayed quiet.

But no sooner had he put another piece in place did the boy sit down, right across from him, and start picking up puzzle pieces too. Evan was quickly growing hot by the minute from the awkward silence - was it awkward? Was he just making it awkward? - but still he wouldn’t look up or say hi. He’d just sit there until the other boy decided to leave first. Soon they were making incredibly quick progress on the puzzle. Something everyone had seemed to be spending weeks trying to start was almost complete in 10 minutes.

"You’re good at this,” the boy said. He had a paper thin voice, airy light. It gave Evan chills.

"T-thanks. You too.”

Silence.

"I’m Dorian,” he said.

Evan did look up then, but didn’t meet the boys eyes as he was concentrating on the puzzle.

"I-I’m Evan.”

  
Dorian looked up and they locked eyes. “That suits you.”

  
Evan just blinked back as they stared at each other, unsmiling.

  
“Can I have that piece?” Dorian asked.

  
“What?” Evan said stupidly.

  
“The one you’re holding in your hand.”

  
Evan looked down, and then stuttered something under his breath and held out his hands. Dorian took the piece, their fingers brushing, and Evan felt himself blush. Embarrassed, he looked away and fiddled with the other puzzle pieces around him. Dorian kept working on the puzzle until Evan realized he had no more pieces around him and he looked up to find Dorian locking the last piece in place, Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln staring back at him. “Holy shit,” Evan exclaimed. It had only been seven minutes.

  
Dorian sighed. “Yeah, it’s a thing, I guess.”

  
Evan didn’t comment on it, but did stand up and awkwardly tug at his sweater. “That was cool.”

  
“Thanks, I guess. It’s kind of why I’m here.”

  
“Huh?” Evan didn’t see how someone who could put half of a 10,000 piece puzzle together in 7 minutes needed to be anywhere in this building.

  
“My parents think because I don’t communicate very well with people, I need ‘help’,” Dorian did air quotes then quickly shoved his hands back in his pockets. “I tried to tell them I just don’t like the stimulation of other people, but they think that means I’m like a sociopath or something.”  
“I’m s-sorry…”

  
“Why are you here?” Dorian asked Evan, and the question was so direct, it almost managed to not offend Evan. He assumed Dorian didn’t mean to be rude.

  
“I t-tried…to…I hurt myself.” Even now, he still couldn’t say it out loud.

“I’m sorry too.”

  
“T-thanks.” Evan stood there for a second before backing up, twisting the sleeves of his sweater as he went. “Okay well…b-bye, thanks for helping with the puzzle. See you later.”

  
“Wait!” Dorian ran to catch him before he left the room. “You dropped this in your seat.” He handed him his letter, and Evan rushed to grab it, his cheeks flushing in the process. What if Dorian had seen what it said? What did it matter if he did? Evan was confusing himself.

  
“Thanks, bye,” and Evan rushed down the hall before Dorian could stop him again. When he got back to his room, he shoved the letter in his dresser drawer, hoping to have a few moments to calm down before Jared arrived and asked him why he was all flustered, hot and bothered.

  
He didn’t want him to ask because he wouldn’t know how to answer that question if he did.

 

 

 

“Oh my god, Connor Murphy! What are you trying to do to Evan? Make the boy quiver like a leaf until he blows away, or what?”

Jared had just arrived home from visiting Evan at Cedar Oaks and came back to his room to find Connor’s long limbs thrown across his bed reading “The Catcher in the Rye”. He looked up upon Jared’s entrance but didn’t really comment on his greeting. He only glanced up and said, “What?”

  
Jared threw down his backpack. “First, you sent the boy a bonsai tree, which he treats like a pet. I mean, he was practically stroking it as he talked to it. He talked to it, Connor. Jesus Christ, like it was a puppy.” Jared pushed Connor’s long, lanky legs aside so he had room to sit on the edge of the bed. “Then, you type him that dopy ass letter -“

  
Connor sat up. “Did you read that? Jared, you motherfucker, I told you not to and if you -“

  
“Cool your jets, Murphy. I didn’t have to read it to know it was just a stupid sex letter -“

  
“It wasn’t a sex letter!!”

  
“ - that Evan practically puts under his pillow to sleep on at night.”

  
Connor was fully upright now, book down, fists clenched. He glared at Jared.  
“If you beat me up,” Jared said calmly, “I will gently remind you that you will be kicked out immediately and have nowhere to stay. So, there’s that.”

  
Connor groaned and stood up to pace off his nervous energy around the room.

  
“You always make me get off the subject,” Jared whined. “I had a good story to tell you and now I can’t remem- Oh yeah! Fuck! Well get this, Evan met some new kid today…his name is Dorian. Now if that doesn’t sound like bad-boy-sweeps-in-and-steals-away-the-love-of-your-life, I don’t know what does!”

  
“His name was not _Dorian_ , Kleinman, don’t be a bitch.”

  
Jared laughed. “I swear to god, Evan said it was.”

  
Connor looked almost sad, but it was soon replaced with anger. “Fuck!"

  
“They probably did.”

  
“Shut up!” Connor strode over and pushed Jared, his glasses bumping off his nose, as he fell back onto the bed.

"Fuck off, Connor! I thought you wanted me to get information for you, and I did it, against my best discernment, so you could at least be a little grateful! You didn’t say bring back only good information! How about this then, Evan isn’t dead, and he thinks he gets to go home next month.”  
  
"Really?" Connor stopped bullying Jared long enough to look surprised and a little bit hopeful.  
  
"Yeah,” Jared sat back up, but crossed his arms and scowled at Connor as he talked. “And he’s transfer to a new school when he does.”

"Oh.” Connor picked at the skin around his black nails. This was more than a little…disappointing. “What school?’

"Blue Pine. They wear uniforms.” Jared said it like that was the most telling thing he could have chose to mention about the school. Like the fact that they wore uniforms meant everything.

Connor would never, ever, in a million years admit to anyone - especially not Jared - that the mental image of Evan in a uniform was the sexiest thing he’d ever imagined that boy could wear. “Well what the hell does that have to do with anything, Kleinman?”

"Nothing, I guess. What are you going to do now?”

Connor thought. “I don’t really know.”

“How many letters do you have signed now?”

“Sixty-three.”

“Holy shit, really?” Jared was actually impressed. Almost impressed enough to forgive Connor for giving away all the photos he got in exchange for signatures…but not quite.

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to do if you get them all signed?”

“When.”

“What?”

“When I get them all signed.”

Jared rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, yeah, okay. whatever.”

“I don’t know yet,” Connor lied. He knew exactly what he was going to do. He would hand over the bundle of letters back to Evan and he would simply say, “It’s up to you,” and walk away.

“Well I think you should turn them into Principal Cartwright and let everyone get what they deserve."  
Jarad always surprised Connor as being much more ruthless than he first let on.

"We'll see." Connor made his way over to the air mattress and sleeping bag that had become his bed for the last three months. It was actually slightly moving how generous Jared had been in letting him live here. Jared had always spent extra effort talking well of Connor in front of his parents so as to keep the situation easy going; always reminding them that it wouldn't be much longer before Connor found a permanent place to stay and so on. If Connor could get past the fact that Jared was just generally an all around asshole... he thought they might even be friends. They had a lot in common: they were both ruthless, selfish, and mean.

  
Connor couldn't fall asleep, even after Jared had settled down in bed and all the lights were off. Connor couldn't stop thinking about that other boy that Evan had met. What if...what if Connor never got the chance to see Evan again, and tell him that he wanted a second chance? What if he waited so long that Evan just decided to be with this new kid, someone who didn't remind him of all the pain in his past? Connor wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't even get the chance to try and win Evan back. Why was this so hard?? He wanted to just waltz into that hospital and demand to see Evan and then walk up to Evan and say "fuck this, I want to be with you, let me be with you!" But it wasn't that simple.

Everything was harder trying to avoid the person who told him that if he ever came near Evan again, they'd call the cops.

Even after she knew it was Zoe who was to blame, Heidi Hansen still did everything in her power to keep Connor Murphy away from her son. And poor Evan had no idea.

So Connor would keep fighting. And when Evan was free, Connor would finally get to say what he'd been meaning to say all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was kind of boring! I see the end of the story ahead but I'm trying to make the ending make sense so I have to add little things in now...and I just want to get to the ending already dammit! But yeah leave some love if you feel like it (or criticism because hey! I appreciate that too!) and as always hmu on tumblr if you need someone to vent to or obsess over DEH with! @thewanderingapothecary ❤️ Thanks for reading!!


	21. March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Implied Rape/Non-Consent/Language/Violence. Do not read this chapter if any of these things may trigger you!
> 
> Also this is sad. I'm sorry. I'm a sad person. I promise this fic has a happy ending, don't give up on me now!! Only a couple more chapters and our boys will be home. <3

Evan walked through the front door and threw down his bag.

Today was the day.

He was home.

Earlier that morning, Dr. Lloyd had visited Evan in his room for an impromptu session. She asked him how he was doing, and generally just had a regular conversation with him. Evan didn't know it was a session until they finished and she beamed at him saying his improvement was astounding.

"A few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to get you to look me in the eyes, let alone tell me all about your day and interactions with the other patients." She smiled. "And you even made a friend?"

Evan had smiled back, although it was a shy smile. "Yeah, Dorian. He was here for a few weeks but left rather quickly."

"Yes I saw him. He just needed a new dosing of his medication. Seems like he was sent here just to be a friend to you."

"Maybe," Evan blushed. He kind of missed him. They hadn't talked much about personal stuff, but they had met up every afternoon at 3:30 in the game room to work on puzzles and talk about comic books. The day Dorian left, Dorian said goodbye to Evan like they would see each other the next day, even though it had been 2 weeks without so much as a text. Evan shrugged it off. Maybe Dr. Lloyd was right. Maybe Dorian was just a gift to keep him company before Evan headed down a darker road again.

"Well, I'm so glad to hear that. And I'm equally glad to tell you that your mother is here to take you home." And as if on cue, Heidi burst through the door and barrled over to her son, wrapping her arms around him, squealing. Dr. Lloyd laughed.

"We're going home baby! To our new home and we're getting A la Mode on the way!" Evan laughed through his tears of joy and hugged her back.

Now here he was, ice cream cone (filled with sorbet) in hand, gawking at his surroundings. Upon entering the front door, the living room was to the right, dining room to the left, and kitchen straight ahead. He wandered in to the kitchen and sat down his cone as Samson came bounding in through the backdoor. "Samson!" Evan leaned down and scooped him his dog, face soon wet with slimy kisses. Evan laughed as Heidi brought in a basket of laundry from the back porch. Evan walked out into the sunroom which held the washer and dryer, bright open windows looking out into the backyard.

Right there. He saw the spot already. That right there was where he would plant his tree. He would plant one, lone Apple tree and tend to it with the most loving care he ever had to any plant before. There were flowers around the edge of the fence that lined their yard, along with a small shed that sat in the back left corner. It suddenly occurred to him that he would soon be learning how to mow their lawn, a chore he never would have imagined he'd ever have to do. It oddly made him smile.

"Up those stairs there is your bedroom" Heidi said. "I hope you love it. I took the liberty of making your bed and putting your things away. If you don't like how it is arranged, you can redo it. I won't mind."

Evan walked up the stairs slowly one at a time. Heidi had told him his door was the first one on the right. When he got there he turned the knob slowly and then pushed it open with a little kick. He tried not to gasp at the size of it. It was at least twice as big as his room in their old apartment. There was indeed an alcove with a window seat. He went over and sat his bag down on the bench and peered out the window. The view was breathtaking, even if it was just of another house across the street. Evan went to his bed, dressed in his usual sky blue sheets and dark blue tartan comforter, and threw himself down. He laid his head back on the pillows and promptly fell asleep to dreams of a home where him and his mom we're happy forever, and none of the stressful, worrisome, and challenging experiences that happened in the last four months even existed.

 

 

Evan woke to a knock on his door. Heidi stepped in, opening his curtains as she gently shook him awake.

"Evan, time to get up or you'll be late for your first day back at school."

Evan groggily opened his eyes and rubbed at the sleep in them. He sat up and squinted at the bright light that came through the window. He had forgotten that school existed, and that it was not just another day he had to face but also a new school with new people and new trials, he considered for a moment asking Heidi if he didn't have to go, but he knew that would be a futile fight. So instead, he stood up and went to the bathroom to wash his face. When he came back, Heidi had grabbed out of his closet a pair of khaki pants and a white button down shirt, along with navy blue school vest.

"I'll meet you downstairs once you're changed," his mom said. "I made you pancakes!"

After she left, Evan proceeded to get dressed. After he pulled the vest over his head he looked in the mirror on the wall and barely recognized him self. It felt weird to not be wearing jeans, especially when he knew he couldn't wear them even if he wanted to. The vest made him look far too British and bookworm-y. At least he didn't wear glasses, he thought to himself. After brushing his hair through with his fingers, a signature Evan move, he ran downstairs to wear a plate of pancakes and eggs sat waiting for him. He hurried Lee shoved them in his mouth and grabbed his backpack by the front door.

"Do you want me to take you on your first day?" Heidi asked. She had given Evan the paperwork yesterday, with his class schedule, and building class map, but she still worried he wouldn't find his way.

"No mom, I'll be fine. Besides it's not the first day it's just my first day back. I'll be okay, I'll text you on my lunch." And with that he was out the front door.

Heidi sat and wondered at the fact that Evan was much more confident now than before he went to Cedar Oaks Hospital. Maybe they really had helped him. Maybe he would be okay now, and she could stop worrying so much. She laughed at herself, because of course she would worry. What was it but a mom's job to worry? She felt confident that the months Evan had spent away from Connor and Zoe Murphy were the best months for him. Heidi was sure she made the right decision when she told them to give Evan some space. Now her son could blossom under the attention of new peers and teachers that would hopefully respect and appreciate him for the intelligent and kind boy she knew he was.

 

 

Evan pulled into the school parking lot of Blue Pine and first noticed that it was about three sizes smaller than Jefferson High was. He got out of the car and started at the fact that everyone else was dressed identically to him (except most of the girls wore skirts, but not all.) He melted into the crowd and no one paid him any mind. No one seemed to notice that he was new, not even as he sat down in his first class of the day, which was writing. Not all had changed since being in the hospital for Evan, because he gravitated toward his usual seating of choice in the back of the classroom. Soon everyone had rolled in and class began without further ado.

Evan managed to find his locker and the rest of his classes for the morning without much disarray. At lunch he sat outside by himself and nibbled on his tuna sandwich and orange slices. It had started to rain but he sat under a small gazebo that was nestled in a grove of trees next to the football field. Evan got so lost in thought that when he heard the bell ring he nearly jumped out of his seat and his hurry to throw his lunch in his backpack and dark inside before he would be late. He looked at his schedule and saw that it was time to go to the Audubon Academy and he realized he didn't know what room it was located in. He wandered frantically down hall after hall until, breathing heavily, he stumbled into the nearest bathroom.

Evan tried to calm down his breathing with the exercises that his nurses had taught him, and it helped a little, but not enough to stop his hands from shaking. He didn't want to take the medications he had in his back pocket but he knew he would if he had to. He pulled out the little clear bottle and grabbed one tiny pink and white pill, walking over to the sink to drink it down with some water. That's when he heard a toilet flush and a stall door open. Looking up, Evan saw a very familiar face peering back at him. He whipped around and was almost touching toes with none other than Dorian.

"Hi," Dorian said, turning on the sink to wash his hands. He didn't even sound surprised to see Evan, like he somehow knew he'd be there today, at this moment.

"You go here?" Evan completely ignored courtesies and got straight to the point.

"Yeah, you didn't tell me you did too," Dorian said, grabbing a paper towel to dry his hands with. "You lost?"

It must have been the frantic look on Evan's face, or the crumpled papers he still held clutched in one hand. "Oh...yeah. I'm looking for the Audubon Academy?"

"It's just three doors down on the right," Dorian told him. "I'm across the hall in the Mozart Academy."

Evan was surprised. Dorian didn't look like a classical music kind of guy. "what do you play?" He asked him.

"Cello."

Of course he did. Evan bet he was good at it too, if it was any indication by how he put together puzzles, he supposed.

Dorian stepped closer to Evan, smiling. "I missed you."

Evan blushed. No one had ever been that forward with him before. Had he missed him too? "Y-you did?" Evan backed up, bumping into one of the stalls.

"Did you not miss me?" Dorian stopped moving towards him, looking slightly sad.

Evan didn't want to disappoint him, or upset him, so he said, "I did! I'm just surprised to see you, I thought I wouldn't see you again..."

"You mean you  hoped  you wouldn't see me again..." Evan was now backed up against the wall, and Dorian placed his hands on either side of Evan's head, leaning in. Evan's heart began to beat faster, and his palms grew sweaty. "You thought after what happened last time, you'd wouldn't have to deal with talking about it ever again. You thought you'd get away with it."

Evan didn't like Dorian putting words in his mouth. But...it was all true.

"Tell me..." Dorian pressed on. "Who is Connor?"

Evan went pale. This was what he dreaded. This is what he thought he would get away with not having to talk about, since after Dorian left the hospital, he thought they'd never see each other again. But fate was a cruel mistress, and she had other ideas.

"C-Connor...?" Evan stuttered. Dorian had moved his head next to Evan's and gently bit his ear. Evan's eyes closed against his will, and he let out a shaky breath. "Dorian...please stop. I don't want - I don't want to do this right now."

"That's not what you said the last time."

 

_ The last time ... _

And this is what happened the last time.

 

 

It had been a week at the hospital since Dorian and Evan had been spending time together. They had been playing chess in the game room, when a hoard of older ladies came in, chatty and loud and anxious. Dorian and Evan had looked at each other, a silent understanding passing between them, and they halted their game to escape the room before it was too late. They had a rule where they only played games if the room was empty, as both of them had social anxiety and generally didn't like being around other people. Dorian had suggested they go back to his room because he had a half finished Sudoku book he wanted help on, and his grandma had brought cookies the day before. Evan happily agreed and the two traipsed back to the room where Evan found it looked nearly identical to his own...except maybe slightly cleaner.

Evan went to the window and fingered the spider plant that was sitting on the sill. "This needs less sunlight," he said.

Dorian was grabbing two cookies when he turned to find Evan lovingly stroking the plants leaves. "How do you know so much about plants?" he had asked, handing him a cookie as he took a bite of his own.

"I don't know?" Evan said. "I just do. I like to read about them. I have several books."

"You're cute when you talk about them."

Evan looked up at Dorian, who unabashedly smiled at him. Evan blushed and mumbled a thanks, as he shoved the rest of the cookie in his mouth. "T-this is good," Evan said through a mouth full. He pushed passed Dorian and grabbed the Sudoku book that sat on the nightstand. "I'm not good at math, but I can try to help you." Evan flipped through the pages and found an unfinished one. "Here do you have a pencil?" Dorian went to the bookshelf and grabbed a pencil, walking it over to Evan where he handed it to him and hurriedly placed a kiss on his cheek. Evan stood there, dumbfounded, dropping the pencil he had just been handed.

If he had been in an emotionally stable state, Evan would have promptly left the room, telling himself that one week was definitely not long enough for two people to decide if they liked each other. But instead he just stood there as Dorian picked up the pencil and handed it to him again.

When Evan didn't move or speak, Dorian finally said, "are you okay?"

Evan just gulped and pushed past Dorian, pacing about the room. He managed to stop for a moment and say, "I like girls!" before pacing again.

"Yeah, I know," Dorian said. "And you like boys. You're not  that  cryptic of a mess." Dorian sat down on the bed, and rubbed his eyes like he was tired.

"We don't know each other!" Evan said again. "Also I'm pretty sure there's a rule about no...physical contact...between patients, and we could get in trouble."

Dorian had stood up again and walked over to him, brushing his fingers against Evan's knuckles. "Okay, so then I won't tell."

Evan felt his heart jump to his throat as he backed up against the wall, trapped. "Dorian, I -" but he couldn't finish what he was trying to say because Dorian had placed his lips over Evan's in an effort to silence him.

It had worked.

Dorian hadn't seemed bothered in the least that Evan just stood there, letting him kiss him without kissing back. Eventually, Evan went against his better judgment and let his eyes close, slowly moving his mouth against Dorian's. As if it was some sort of signal, Dorian pressed into Evan harder, deepening the kiss as he slid a hand up Evan's shirt. Evan let out a little gasp, as Dorian's fingers tickled their way across his hips, and Evan gripped his shoulders for stability. Dorian moved his mouth from Evan's lips to his neck, where he left little kisses across his jawline, eventually landing behind his ear where he sucked ever so slightly. Evan's knees quivered and he had to hold onto Dorian so as not to fall over. Dorian continued to suck on the skin until Evan dug his nails into his back and moaned. What he said under his breath, though, ended their moment immediately.

"Ohh....Connor...."

Dorian pulled away sharply, sliding his hands out from under Evan's shirt. "Who's Connor?" he had asked abruptly.

"What?" Evan opened his eyes, a very distraught Dorian staring back at him, arms crossed over his chest.

"You called me Connor."

Evan paled. "W-what? I-I did?"

Dorian walked away from Evan and sat on the bed. Evan couldn't believe he had done that! He had...moaned Connor's name while...while Dorian was kissing him? This was...well, mortifying.

"I'm s-sorry," Evan said, taking a step forward then stopping short. "I didn't mean to -"

"Is he your boyfriend?" Dorian interrupted.

"N-no."

"Then why...never mind. I don't care."

"Y-you don't?"

"No, just don't do it again."

Evan choked. He actually thought it would be best if there  wasn't  a next time. So, as was common for him to do, Evan mumbled an apology and ran out the door before Dorian could stop him. They never saw each other again after that.

Well, until now.

 

Brought back to the present by Dorian's insistent lips behind his ear, Evan pushed him away, forcibly, causing Dorian to stumble, catching himself on the sink.

"I said," Evan whispered through gritted teeth, "I don't want to do that right now." He looked up. "I don't want to do that ever. I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have led you on before." At least one thing Evan had learned from his mistakes with Connor and Zoe was that honesty was the most important thing. Being here with Dorian only reminded him how much he still cared about Connor, and fooling around with Dorian wasn't going to change that. It only confirmed it. 

Dorian looked defeated but not upset. He actually slumped to the floor and looked like might cry. Evan never realized before how much him and Dorian were alike.

"You were the first person I ever liked who was nice to me back. Usually I've always fallen for straight guys who are rude and call me a girl because I'm...well, more feminine I guess?" Dorian held his head in his hands. "When I kissed you and you didn't push me away I thought maybe...maybe you wanted to be with me too. But then you said some other guys and I thought you were just using me..." Dorian looked up at Evan, tears in his eyes, though they didn't overflow. "Am I crazy?"

Evan knelt down next to Dorian and placed a shy hand on his shoulder. "No. You deserve to be loved just like anyone else. I wish...I wish I could give you the love you deserve but..."

"But there's Connor."

Evan was silent. There  was  Connor. There had always been Connor and there always would be Connor. Connor was on his mind every morning when he woke and every night when he fell asleep. He was stupid for thinking fooling around with another boy was going to take his mind off Connor permanently.

"I can't promise to be with you...like that...but I can promise to always be your friend, and love and care for you in that way. You'll find someone someday, and he'll be much better than me, and he'll love you forever. I promise." Evan helped Dorian to his feet and handed him a tissue from his pocket. "It's not used, I swear," Evan said, and managed to get a small laugh out of Dorian.

"Thanks Evan. Whoever Connor is, he's a really lucky guy."

Evan nodded sadly. Too bad him and Connor were also a million worlds apart, not even sure if they'd ever see each other again.

"Walk me back to class?" Evan asked. Dorian nodded, wiping away a last year, and the two walked out, closer than they had been before.

Maybe Dorian hadn't gained a lover, but they both gained a friend, and that seemed better for them both at the moment anyway.

 

 

 

Connor stood outside the boys locker room door. He held the last letter in his hand that he needed signed, and then he'd have all 100 in his possession, justice served, and ready to give back to Evan. He stood there though, not moving, because the last person he was about to face wasn't just a random kid in the crowd. Everyone else Connor had had no personal connection to (except maybe Alana) but this time was different. This time, he was confronting someone who had not only hurt Evan, but had hurt him as well.

Harry Cane. Quarterback. Liar. Asshole.

Connor had kissed Harry Cane freshman year, thinking that, as was supposedly indicated by all the time they spent alone together, he was gay. Maybe Connor had been right, maybe he'd been wrong, but there was no denying that Harry Cane had kissed him back. However, the next day Harry and his teammates had beaten Connor up until he was almost unrecognizable, calling him a faggot and a loser, leaving him with a broken rib and sprained wrist to bleed out on the locker room floor alone. Connor had managed to stumble his way home where he never told his parents what really happened that day.

It was as if this was all flashing back before his eyes right now. Here he was at the locker room again and all he could think about was how much he didn't want to get beat up again. He almost decided not to go in - what's was one unsigned letter worth anyway? He'd gotten them all otherwise. He could let one go. But no. This wasn't just about him and Harry. This was about Evan, and what Harry had been doing for the last 4 years to boys like Connor and Evan. Connor scrunched the paper in his fist and pushed the door open. Enough was enough.

Upon entering, Harry looked up and a actually didn't scowl. He let off a little smirk as he took sat down to take off his football cleats.

"What the fuck do you want, Murphy?" Harry almost laughed as he said it, unlacing his shoes. He threw one off into his locker, and made quick work of the second.

Connor didn't reply to his words, merely took another step forward and held out the letter.

"What's this?" Harry reached forward and ripped it out of Connor's hands before he could protest. Then suddenly Harry was laughing, laughing his head off like Connor had just told the corniest knock-knock joke. He threw the piece of paper back at Connor and it fluttered to the ground. "Where did you even get that?"

"If you wouldn't mind," Connor said, avoiding the question, "I'd appreciate if you'd sign it, rather than hiding behind the anonymity that is 'sincerely, me'."

Harry lost his smile and frowned. "Thanks, but I'll pass." He began to take off his jersey.

"Sign it," Connor demanded, now inches from where Harry sat. It wasn't a question anymore. 

Harry stood up, pulling his shirt over his head. "Why does this shit even matter to you?" Harry said pointing at the letter in Connor's hand. "You don't care about him. You don't even know him."

_Understatement of the year_ , Connor thought to himself. "It matters because no one deserves to be bullied, for no reason, by 100 people anonymously. I mean, don't you at least want to take credit for your hand in it? Get all the glory for being the meanest, toughest, baddest bastard in school? Isn't that what assholes like you want?" 

Harry shoved Connor in the chest, causing him to stumble backward a few feet. "Check yourself, Murphy. Talking about being a bully...it takes one to know one. How come you're all self righteous all of a sudden?"

"I just want to do what's right."

"Bullshit. Why do you care about Hansen? You pushed him down on the first day of school in the cafeteria. Everyone saw it; I was two tables away. You're more infamous around these halls than I am. People practically quiver when you pass. You can't tell me you didn't write one of those letters too."

"My sister has shit with Hansen, not me."

"Then why are you getting involved?"

Connor didn't reply. Harry put the pieces together. "Oh my god," he laughed. "You're gay for him. Man, Connor, didn't you learn your lesson with me? Falling for straight boys is a mistake."

"You're not straight," Connor stabbed. "You're so stuck in the closet, you probably knocked the door knob off and can't find it in the dark, and that's the only reason you haven't come out yet."

"I beat you up the last time you said shit like that to my face, or do you need a reminder?" Harry came over and gripped the front of Connor's shirt in his fist. 

Connor grabbed Harry's hand and pulled it away. "Sign the goddamn letter, Harry, or I'll tell everyone you're gay."

Harry, half undressed by now, sighed,"No one would believe you. You'd just be wasting your time."

"You've never fucked any of your girlfriends, Harry. You don't think some people wonder at that? You don't think Cheryl wonders why you never touch her?"

"You can accuse me of whatever you want, Murphy, like I said, you have no proof."

Connor smiled deviously. "Oh, you want proof? Why didn't you say so? How's this for proof then?" Connor pulled out the last photo he had from Jared, an image that clearly showed Harry Cane and another member of the football team, fully naked, fucking in the very locker room they were standing in. "It's kind of awkward," Connor cringed, "standing in the very room where it happened. Pretty ballsy, doing that at school. You one up'd me there." 

"Where the fuck did you get that?" Harry's fists clenched in an effort to remain calm.

"That's not really important. What's important is that you sign this letter and I'll give you the photo back. No one has to know anything. Just fess up at you wrote this letter to Hansen and we're good."

Harry was obviously weighing his options for the situation. It didn't seem to be too hard of a decision. He reached for the letter, forcefully ripping it from Conor's hands. "You're going to fucking regret playing me, Murphy. I'll make you pay for this." He sloppily wrote out his signature on the page. "What are you going to do with a signed piece of paper anyway?"

"That's for Hansen to decide, not me."

"You can call him Evan, faggot." Harry through the paper at Connor's face. "Come on, don't be such a pansy. I know you want to punch me right now. Just do it! Be the bully everyone knows you are."

Connor picked up the paper that had fluttered to the floor and stuffed it in his back pocket. He had to take slow, deep breaths to avoid lashing out at Harry. But he knew it would feel so good just to knock him one right in the nose. "Whatever, Harry. I'm not afraid of you." Connor turned to leave when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. He turned around to shove him away when Harry's fist came flying at his face, smacking him in the eye. Connor fell to his ass on the floor, hitting the back of his head on a locker. His ears rang from the impact, and he held a hand to his eye where, when he pulled it away, he couldn't see a thing. It was already starting to swell.

That was it. He stood up and lunged himself at Harry, his knee slamming hard into his stomach where Harry had the wind knocked out of him. He doubled over in an effort to regain himself but when he did, Connor gripped his hair and slammed his head against the bench below them. When he looked back up, a thin line of blood had started to leak from the crack in his forehead. Connor knew Harry was bigger than him, stronger and more ruthless, but Connor was thin and fast. He'd run if he had to. But right now, all he wanted to do was fight; against the injustice that was Harry picking on someone like Evan without any good reason except to start a fight.

Harry stood up and his fist flew at Connor again, this time catching him in the side. Connor winced as he dodged another swing from the left, and kicked Harry in the shin. Harry reached forward, pushing Connor against the wall, pinning him there so he couldn't move. His hands held Connor's arms in place as he leaned into him, growling like a wild animal.

"You think I'm just going to beat you to a pulp don't you, and you don't give a shit! Ha, you've tried to kill yourself before, I'm not stupid enough to believe you're afraid of dying. No, you're just a lonely, lousy fag who's crushing on Evan Hansen, of all people. You just wanna fuck him; hell, you just wanna be fucked! Is that what you want? You want to know what it's like to be fucked by a boy? I'd be more than happy to enlighten you."

Connor was squirming uncontrollably now, using all his strength to try and slither out from under Harry's insistent grip. With one arm pressed across Connor's chest, he used the other to undo his own jeans before fumbling with Connor's. Connor let out a cry, but Harry moved his other hand back to Connor's mouth, silencing him. "Shut up or I'll make it hurt more." He twisted Connor's arm around, forcing him to turn over.

Connor had never begged for anything before in his life, but now, he didn't care about pride. He just wanted it to stop. He cried, almost whimpering, pleading with Harry, "please...don't...stop....please." He felt Harry's hot breath on his neck, and then he felt the blinding, searing, tearing pain that made his vision go blurry. He let out a cry that Harry silenced by smashing Connor's face against the wall. Connor went numb as he let his limbs go limp while Harry had his way with him.

When he'd finished, Harry pulled away and pushed Connor the the floor, kicking him in the side until Connor wasn't moving any more. He spat at him, as he pulled on his jeans. "Fuck you, Connor Murphy." And he left without another glance back.

Connor laid on the floor for what felt like half a lifetime before he pulled himself up. His body ached from tensing up, but he managed to stand, stumbling over to where the last letter lay discarded on the ground. He picked it up, Harry's signature mocking him from the page. He also picked up the photograph Harry hadn't bothered to take. At least he'd have one to return to Jared, he thought. Connor surveyed the damage to his face. He'd look rough for weeks. At least he didn't have to go home and explain it to his parents. He winced, touching his eye, as it was already beginning to yellow.

He leaned over the sink and cried.

 

 

 

Evan sat at a picnic table on the lawn in front of his school. He was flipping through is homework for astronomy class. Part of it required going out at night and monitoring the stars for an evening. His teacher told him the best would be to go camp for a night out in the woods where the sky would be more clear, away from town. He was exited to do it...but also dreading the fact that he'd probably be doing it alone. He certainly wasn't going to ask Dorian after everything they'd been through.

Evan was deep in thought when he saw, in his peripheral vision, someone come up next to him. He jumped a little, but then flew out of his seat when he saw who it was.

Connor Murphy.

The last thing Connor expected was to have Evan fling himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck. Connor reluctantly enveloped him back, afraid people might be staring. When Evan pulled away, there were tears in his eyes, though he was smiling. When he saw Connor's face, though, his smile vanished.

"Connor! What happened to your eye?" Evan's fingers brushed Connor's cheek, and Connor flinched and the gesture. Evan backed away. "S-sorry."

Connor pulled out a stack of paper from his pocket, and held it out to Evan. "I brought these for you."

Evan took them. "What are they?" 

"The letters from...you left them at Jefferson."

"Oh." Evan immediately felt unclean even holding them in his hands. He certainly didn't want to read them again. "I don't really w-"

"I know you don't want to read them," Connor finished for him, "So don't. Just know that everyone signed theirs. So you know...you can know who was involved and who wasn't."

"Zoe already told me you didn't have anything to do with it. And Jared told me you...you helped him find me. I t-thought you didn't care but you did. I'm s-sorry I never..."

Connor stopped him. "I know there's a lot you want to say, and...so do I. But I'm s-sorry, I can't right now. I'll...I really shouldn't be here."

"Why? It's fine! Please don't go!"

"Your mom...your mom told me to stay away from you."

"She what?" Evan didn't understand, even though the words were crystal clear.

"I don't want to get you in trouble."

"Connor, what happened to you? Are you okay? Please tell me, is there something I can do?" Evan reached for his hand and Connor pulled it away. "Can I call you later?" Evan asked.

Connor thought for a moment before nodding. 

"There's..." Evan wasn't sure what he was doing, but he let his words ramble out anyway. "I have to do this assignment, and go camping for a night to log some stars...maybe...well, the woods scare me at night, and I don't want to go alone...I don't really have any friends...not that you and I are friends anymore, after what I did, and what Zoe did, but...maybe you could come with me?"

Connor felt himself blush. He wanted to go with Evan, but didn't feel like he deserved that second chance. 

"I know you probably haven't forgiven me yet, maybe you won't ever, but I...had to at least ask." Evan looked down at his shoes, that same old habit he always had of doing when he was nervous, and it made Connor's heart beat like butterfly wings. 

"Yeah."

Evan looked up. "What?"

"Just text me when. You have my number still?"

"Of course!" Evan beamed, then became embarrassed by his excitement. "I mean, yeah, I think so."

"Okay..." Connor saw a few kids looking at them, definitely noticing that he wasn't supposed to be there, considering he wasn't in a uniform, but instead wore all black, torn, worn out clothing. "I should go." Connor's voice was so soft and small, Evan knew something was wrong, but couldn't take the liberty to ask what.

"Okay," Evan pulled at his sweater sleeves. "G-good-bye." Dammit, saying that was hard. He hadn't seen Connor in five months and now here he was before him, thinner, worn out and tired, and all Evan wanted to do was make the past go away. But nights of laying in bed dreaming of this moment hadn't prepared him for the fact that not everything could be fixed in a day.

"Bye, Hansen." Connor turned and quickly walked away, disappearing down the sidewalk and away into the fading afternoon light.

Evan sat back down at the table and felt his heart grow heavy.  He had wanted to say he loved him. That was the main thing he had meant to say. He cursed himself for being so stupid. He had this horrible sinking feeling that he might not actually see Connor again. He took out his phone and texted Jared.

_ Something's not right. Please make sure he's okay. _

He knew Jared would know who he was talking about. He sat down his phone and laid his head down on the textbook. 

Being in love fucking sucked. 

 

_When I wake in the hall_   
_To a call from my bedroom_   
_Lift the blanket pulled over your shoulders_   
_A pillow performance of you_

_So I pamper the dust_   
_Or, did I hear the doorbell?_   
_Severed hope, it was only the postman_   
_Leaving a letter or two_

_Take me to my lover_   
_Don't know how much longer I can take_   
_I can’t stay here forever_

_Tuck me_ in _your covers_  
 _Bring the color back into my face_  
 _I could lay there forever_  
 _Ooooo_

_Will the clock ever rest?_   
_Watch him working his angles_   
_My god, it's painful as he peels away the paint_   
_Till I'm red underneath_

_Take me to my lover_   
_Don't know how much longer I can take_   
_I can’t stay here forever_

_Tuck me in your covers_   
_Bring the color back into my face_   
_I could lay there forever_

_Eat, sleep, worry, count to ten..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck. I'm sorry. Please comment to let me know you're all alright, and please stay subscribed, I swear to god you'll get the fluff and happy romance you all deserve after putting up with my angst for so long. <3


	22. With Pain We Fight Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: references to self-harm.

Evan didn't call Connor that night.

He got home and immediately chickened out. He went to his room, closed his door, sat in the window seat, and took out his phone. He scrolled to Connor's contact and stared at the screen for a good five minutes before promptly putting it down and walking away. He told himself he'd wait and see if Connor called him first, then he'd call if he didn't hear back by 10 that night.

Connor didn't call Evan that night.

Evan waited around, trying to focus on his homework but failing miserably. Eventually he shut his textbook and decided to go on a "jog" around the neighborhood, to clear his head. Evan didn't exercises, but every few blocks he'd sprint a ways, and then sit on the side of the curb, exhausted. He considered this "going for a jog". He found that his run didn't clear his head at all, in fact, it was so quiet out that he thought about Connor more than if he had stayed home and played video games or something.

That was the main thing he was trying to get used to about living in an actual neighborhood. It was unnervingly quiet in the evening. Downtown, there was always noise, 24/7, but here, after 8 pm there wasn't a peep from any cars or neighbors. Evan felt lonely without the noise.

When he made his way back to his house, his mom had just gotten home, and he opened the door to the smell of fresh pizza. He ran into the kitchen and found Heidi making homemade mini pizzas; Evan's specially made with pesto instead of cheese.

"Hey sweetie!" Heidi beamed. "Want to pick the toppings you want on yours?"

Evan smiled and nodded, walking over to the island where he started putting on nearly all the toppings his mom had out: pepperoni, sausage, olives, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and pineapple. He put his in the oven and sat with his mom while she ate hers, waiting for his to get done.

"How was school today, Evan? How you holding up. It's been what, 3 weeks now?"

"Something like that," he agreed. "It's been good. I like it. I can't believe graduation is only 7 weeks away."

"You're going to look so cute in your little robe and hat!" Heidi giggled, and Evan rolled his eyes and moaned for her to stop, but he was smiling too. He was actually very scared for graduation because he didn't know what it would mean for the future. He still had no plan.

"Hey, mom?"

Heidi nodded through her mouthful.

"What...what should I do, when high school is over?"

"Well," she grabbed a napkin and cleared her throat. "Don't you want to go to college?"

"But we...we don't have enough money for that right now, do we?"

Heidi let a shadow pass over her face and grabbed her son's hand. "Baby, whatever you want to do, we'll make it work."

Evan couldn't bring himself to let his mom offer that kind of thing. He thought he'd risk it and tell her what he was thinking. "I was thinking...maybe I could just take a few classes at the community college, and spend a term or two doing...something different." The problem was he didn't know yet what that something different was.

"You can do anything you set your mind to. And there will always be a place for you here, when you need to visit or come home."

Evan felt tears prick his eyes, how did he get lucky enough to have the best mom in the world? He stood up from his seat and hugged her around the shoulders. "Thanks, mom."

"I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

The timer went off and Evan ran to get his pizza out. He pulled off a piece of pineapple and burnt his tongue.

They laughed together, and Evan thought, even if his life has a mess, moments like these couldn't get much sweeter.

 

 

  
When Connor didn't call, Evan decided to send a text instead, hoping that would relieve a little pressure of voice to voice. He grabbed his phone and scrolled all the way to the bottom where he found his text conversation with Connor had long been abandoned. He got lost a moment, scrolling through their old conversations, and Evan became instantly nostalgic. He had to force himself to stop reading back and send the new text before he forgot about it entirely.

 _Hey it's Evan_.

No reply. He waited 10 minutes then sent another one.

_You still free to go camping sometime?_

And still, no reply. Evan got ready for bed, and by 11:15, he couldn't stay awake any longer. He set his phone down and huddled under the covers, trying to forget the fact that now he'd only get seven hours of sleep before school rather than his usually allotted nine.

In the middle of the night, he heard his phone go off. He groggily opened his eyes and saw the bright screen lit up notifiying him that it was 3:45 am, and also that Connor Murphy had sent him a text. Evan reached for the phone and slid it open to read the text.

_Hey, sry I didn't reply earlier. I can't go camping this weekend. Maybe another time._

Evan felt his heart sink. He shut the phone without replying, and fell back asleep, glad he had kept read receipts off for Connor's thread.

In the morning, Evan almost forgot Connor had texted him, but when he opened his phone for the first time that day, it reopened to their conversation, and Evan was instantly depressed again. He went through his day like a rain cloud hung over his head. He didn't talk to anyone and barely ate his lunch. During his afternoon Chemistry lab, Evan texted Jared under the table asking him if he'd go out with him that night to finish his assignment for astronomy. Jared promptly agreed and they set a time to meet that night, Friday, at the old abandoned orchard Evan was so fond of.

When he pulled up to the curb outside the orchard, Evan was slightly nervous that he had made the wrong decision asking Jared to come here. It felt slightly betraying to Connor, but it was the closest place Evan could think of that wouldn't requiring camping out all night, and yet was far enough outside of town to keep the sky clear with out disruption from street lights. The sun was almost set, and soon Jared pulled up behind Evan, getting out from his car with a telescope and tripod.

Evan has asked Jared because he remembered he had a telescope. It was better than asking to borrow one from the school.

"God, Ev, what would you do without me?" Jared's stupid smirk made Evan soften a bit, and made him less nervous. But then Jared continued with, "isn't this the place you and Connor always came?" and Evan immediately felt uncomfortable again.

"Y-yeah...but so what? It wasn't just like, exclusive to us."

Jared looked like he didn't believe that. "Uh huh...okay." He followed Evan to the edge of the orchard and they stepped inside, Evan moving with confidence as the way to the meadow came back to him like second nature; muscle memory. They found the clearing and went to the center where Jared set down his arm full of equipment and started setting up the tripod. "So what do you want to do for the assignment again?"

"Venus is out tonight. I'm supposed to nap it out on this paper in concordance with the other stars and the constellations we can see out at this time of year." Evan pulled out a long roll of paper that was sticking out of his backpack. He unrolled it to reveal a blank star map.

Jared whistled. "That's high quality. You some sort of science nerd now? What's this new school doing to you?"

Evan ignored Jared's teasing. "I really like it there. It's divided into academy's that let you focus on specific disciples and I got to do the natural sciences one. I've learned a lot of new things about trees and plants. And astronomy is one of the classes, so..."

"And you wear a uniform," Jared snorted.

"So?"

"Can it be more extra?"

"Stop it," Evan scowled. "Sorry, it's not Jefferson." Evan let a little bit of disdain creep into his voice and he stuck his nose up as he started marking points on the map.

"When the hell did you get so entitled?" Jared frowned. "We can't all go to prissy, Primadonna schools now can we?" Jared furiously set up the telescope and Evan worried he might break it.

Evan stood up and faced Jared. "I switched school because my psychiatrist made me. Or did you forget I was in a mental hospital because I tried to..." Evan stopped himself. "I had to. It's for the best."

"Tell that to Connor."

Evan went red at the mention of the other boy's name. "He doesn't want to talk to me," Evan said.

"And how do you know that?" Jared asked.

"Because I texted him last night and he wouldn't respond. He eventually texted back at three in the morning to say he couldn't come camping and he hasn't said a thing since!"

"Well...maybe he's busy!"

"What the hell, Jared. Stop trying to make it seem less than it is. He lives with you! You should know if he's busy or not. Tell me, is Connor 'busy'," Evan did air quotes with his fingers, hunching over dramatically, "or is he ignoring me?" He continued.

Jared was silent.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Evan bent back down and continued writing notes in his binder. After a moment, Jared went back to setting up the telescope. When he was screwing on the appropriate lens, he spoke up, quietly asking, "didn't he bring you those letters?"

Evan looked up. "You know about those?"

"Well yeah. He lives with me. He can't hide shit from me in my own room." Jared nudged his glass back up his nose. "He's actually very un-sneaky, once you get to know him. Dude and I talked about almost everything, and he can't keep a secret to save his life."

Evan huffed, "oh what, are you two like best friends now?"

Jared stared at Evan for a moment, and when he realized Evan wasn't joking, he laughed and laughed and laughed, doubling over because he couldn't breath. "Oh my god!! You're jealous! You're jealous I've spent more time with Connor in the last year than you have! Oh, this is priceless."

Evan blushed, flustered, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Don't worry, Evan. I won't steal your boyfriend from you."

"He's not my boyfriend. We're not together. We haven't hung out in five months."

Jared still laughing, brushed it off, saying, "okay. Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude."

They went silent again and when Jared finished setting up the telescope, Evan got to work. He was making quick work of it, but was so focused that he didn't really say much to Jared. It had been so long since they'd hung out, that Evan found it hard to find stuff to say that didn't revolve around asking questions about Connor. Thankfully he didn't have to say anything, because Jared did most of the talking for them.

"Connor hasn't been himself lately. I mean, he's still snarky and generally mean...but he's been unusually...quiet."

"Connor was always quiet," Evan said.

"Yeah, but not like brooding like he normal is. This quiet is...sad?"

Evan snorted. He was bitter about Connor not meeting up with him, so therefore he wasn't being very receptive to what Jared was saying.

"Ever since he got that last letter signed, he hasn't been right. He gave them to you right? You never answered me before."

"Yeah, I got them."

"What did he say, when he gave them to you?"

Evan sighed, and stepped away from the telescope, lighting a small candle he'd brought in one of his mom's old fashioned hurricane lanterns. "He wasn't happy to see me."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Is that all you noticed? How about the fact that he looked like he'd been run over by a truck!"

Evan had actually forgotten about Connor's face, and his black eye. "Oh my god, that's right."

"Yeah, he didn't tell you what happened?"

"No, I asked but he just ignored my question like I didn't even ask it. Did he tell you?"

"Nope."

Evan wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was glad Connor hadn't confided in Jared, especially since he hadn't told him first.

"Who do you think hurt him?"

"I have no clue," Jared said. "He wouldn't tell me who he was having sign the letters. I mean, I knew the whole list of names, but not who he approached where and when. I don't know who the last letter was."

Evan frowned. If he could figure out who'd done that to Connor, he'd go make them pay himself. Evan was as opposed to violence as one could get, but when it came to Connor, all the rules went out the window. "God, whoever they are, I fucking hate them."

"Connor's gone so much now," Jared continued. "I never know when he's actually going to be at my house or not. Sometimes he's gone for nights on end and then suddenly back like nothing was different."

Evan went back to recording and Jared grabbed his hand, making him stop writing. He bent down so they were crouched at eye level. "He's not okay, Evan. You need to talk to him, bring him back."

Evan avoided Jared's gaze. "I don't know how you expect me to do anything about it. He won't reply to my texts, and won't meet up with me! How am I supposed to get him to listen to anything I have to say?!"

"If there's anyone he will listen to, it's you. You know that, don't be a pussy."

Evan blushed. He liked to imagine he held that much weight in Connor's heart, but he was doubtful. "I can't...he won't...I..." Evan's hands started shaking and he had to take deep breaths. "I'm scared," he confessed.

"Of what?" Jared asked.

"O-of...of thinking I'm going to find the old Connor and then him not being there. I'm afraid to find a different person. A different person that doesn't like me anymore."

"It's been a long time. You two need time to reconnect."

"Well how the fuck are we supposed to reconnect if he won't even look me in the eye?" Evan screamed. His voice carried out into the night, startling a few birds to flight from the trees. Jared sat still, not perturbed in the least at Evan's outburst.

"You know, I don't think you need to worry about Connor. You're a different person too, you know. He probably feels the same way. He doesn't know what Evan he's going to be faced with, either."

Evan's eyes felt wet, and he hurriedly wiped at them. "I don't know what to do."

Jared helped Evan up, and handed him his pencil back. "You're gonna finish this assignment and you're gonna come home with me and talk to Connor."

"N-no...I can't..."

"Oh fuck that!" Jared burst. "I'll drag you if I have to!"

Evan's eyes went wide, and he shut his mouth. Fighting Jared rarely resulted in Evan winning the argument, and he knew this, so he stopped while he was ahead. "Fine, but I reserve the right to leave if I feel like it's not going well for either of us."

"Deal."

They nodded to each other, and Evan went back to the telescope, instructing Jared where to mark on the map, so they could finish faster, and get home to Connor before it was midnight.

 

After they packed up, Evan and Jared agreed to meet at his house - Jared sternly telling Evan that if he went home instead of following him to his house, he'd hunt him down and drag him by his ankles if he had to. Evan knew Jared wasn't bluffing, so they both got into their respective cars and drove off. When they pulled up to Jared's house at 11:30, most of the lights were still on. Evan sheepishly followed behind Jared as the walked through the front door, waving at Jared's parents as they passed the living room. They sat on the couch watching a movie, looked like Sleepless in Seattle.

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kleinman," Evan waved. They nodded back, Jared saying, "Evan's going to hang out with Connor and I for a while. Is he here?"

"Yep, upstairs," Mr. Kleinman said. "Got home about an hour ago."

"Thanks," Jared said, grabbing Evan by the arm and pulling him up the stairs.

"How are your parents just chill with Connor living here?" Evan whispered. It's been how long?"

"5 months."

"Holy shit!"

"Well...I talk Connor up. Make him a little more "swallowable" for my parents. Honestly though, he's pretty good around them. Doesn't smoke inside the house, doesn't cuss, follows all the rules I have to follow. They like him, and I think he does too, but would never admit it. It's like having an older brother...except he's the same age as you, and doesn't look anything like you, and makes you glad you're actually an only child." They got to Jared's door and he didn't other to knock, just turned the handle and swung it open, hitting the wall with a smack.

Connor was sitting on the floor by the window, a cat in his lap, as he ate a bowl of cereal. He saw Jared and rolled his eyes, but then he almost choked when Evan moved or from behind him. He stopped moving, staring at the pair of them.

The three stood still for a moment, eyes flitting between them, until finally Jared sighed loudly and said, "Well, have fun you two!" And left the room, slamming the door behind him, Connor and Evan alone in Jared's bedroom.

Connor eventually went back to eating his cereal, almost acting like Evan wasn't even there. It was disconcerting for Evan to be in Jared's room again. They used to hang out here a lot, doing homework or playing video games. But now, without Jared and Connor in his place, it felt like foreign soil.

Evan played with the fringe from the holes in his jeans. He pointed at the cat in Connor's lap. "I'm allergic. To cats. Otherwise I'd come over there and pet it." What a random piece of shit to bring up, Evan scolded himself. Was that all he could think to say?

Connor sat down his finished bowl of cereal. "His name is Watson," he said.

"Oh yeah, that's right. I haven't been over here in so long I actually forgot." Evan laughed awkwardly and tried to smile, but when Connor didn't match his, he stopped.

They stood there for a few more seconds of silence before Evan couldn't take it anymore and began his usual predetermined rambling to escape the awkwardness, and usually make the awkwardness worse.

"Listen, Connor, I can't do this. I can't stand not knowing what's going through your head with me standing here, waiting for you to say something - anything! - and I just need to know, if you don't want to see me again, or talk to me, that's fine, but you have to tell me. I'm not good at this guessing game, of trying to read between the texts and read the sighs and the looks. I'm not that smart." Evan started breathing heavily, when he saw Connor stand up to look at him. Evan went on, propelled by Connor's eyes meeting his. "I'm not smart enough or brave enough or strong enough to say what I want or guess what you want. I just need to know where we stand. I haven't seen you in months and all of a sudden you show up at my school with a bunch of letters I would have hoped to never see again. Jared said you got everyone to sign them - I don't want to know how - and your face, god Connor your eye is still black, and you won't tell me what happened? Fine, it's fine, but I'm going to worry about it, worry about you, I think about you everyday. You sent me that bonsai and that letter when I was in hospital - I know it was you, don't tell me it wasn't you - and if I didn't know better I'd think that meant you cared about me still too. But now I don't know cause you won't text me, you won't hang out with me, even after you said you would, and Jared had to drag me here to get us to talk!"

Evan finally stopped long enough to take a breath and try to read the look on Connor's face. He looked like he might cry, but Evan had never seen him cry and wasn't sure if he even knew how. Connor pulled at the sleeves of his shirt and walked over to Evan, stopping only when they were mere inches apart. He could hear Evan's shallow breath as his pulse quickened from the nearness of them. Connor leaned forward, his face a few inches from Evan's, and whispered, "you still have my hoodie. I want it back."

Evan blinked once. Then twice. Then he took a deep breath and did something brave, that he'd never imagined he'd have the guts to do in a million years.

He said no.

"Yeah, I do, and I'm not fucking giving it back."

Silence. You could feel the electricity simmering between them. Their lips aching like magnets.

"Good answer," Connor said, and he closed the distance between them by crushing his mouth against Evan's.

Oh god, was it magic. Evan felt his head spin at the feel of it. It had been so long since their first kiss, this only their second, but the heat was so intense, it was as if they were experiencing it all over again, the desire long repressed finally flooding over. Evan was shocked Connor had initiated the kiss, especially since he had been so hostile moments before. Evan tried to get out of his head and enjoy the moment, but it was nigh impossible knowing Connor wasn't being one hundred percent honest with him. Eventually, Evan let himself go, and reached up to wrap his arms around Connor's neck and kiss him back with everything he had.

Connor knew it was a mistake. He wasn't in the right head space to be holding Evan like this. To be kissing him like he wasn't drowning in an ocean of regret, guilt, and pain. He hadn't recovered from his incident at school...and he knew this wasn't the way to heal. But Evan was here, he was so close, he was so warm, and soft, and his. He knew he held Evan's heart and he wanted to be able to give his back. So he kissed him like it was the last kiss they'd ever share.

Connor pulled Evan into him, his hands moving to his face where he held them against Evan's cheeks as they pressed into each other. Eventually, Evan pulled away, breathing heavily, cheeks flushed from both passion and embarrassment.

"We're in Jared's room," Evan stated.

"It's my room, too," Connor informed him.

Evan desperately wanted to ask Connor why he wasn't living at home, but knew if he wanted their moment to last, now would be a bad time to do so. So he just smiled and said, "okay, well, it's like having a roommate, so we'd better-"

Connor quieted him with his lips again. They were softer now, but not less instant. "I don't give a fuck about Jared," Connor said when he pulled away again. Evan was blushing and Connor realized how much he'd missed him. Evan was the reason he lived and breathed. He reached up to cup his face again and in doing so his sleeve slipped down his arm, revealing several long, thin scarres criss-crossing his skin. Evan noticed and pulled away, gripping at Connor's arm as he did so.

"What are these?" It wasn't really a question, as Evan knew exactly what they were. What he meant was "why?"

Connor pulled his arm away from Evan and pulled his sleeve down, avoiding his gaze. He wasn't ready to have this conversation. How would he explain to Evan the fact that the only way he could forget the pain was to cause himself more pain? "Their...it's nothing," he lied.

"Fuck no!" Evan was near tears and he didn't care if it made Connor uncomfortable. "Jared was right. You're not okay. What's going on? What happened to you!? Why won't you tell me?" Now he was crying, the frustration escalating.

"I...I can't talk about it!" Connor meant it. He physically couldn't form the words on his tongue.

"Well I can't be here if you won't trust me enough to tell me! I want to help you, Connor. You saved me from dying, and dammit I want to return the favor!" Evan reached for Connor's and, but he flinched away. The gesture was like a knife to his heart. "I'm not going to let you push me away anymore!" Evan screamed, not worrying about the rest of the household hearing. "So take as much time as you need to gather your thoughts, but know I'm not going to let you disappear. I'm not going to let you be forgotten. I will always be here, and I'll pick up the pieces of yourself that everyone else trampled all over. And I'll scotch tape them back together until you can learn to trust me." Evan, suddenly embarrassed by his outburst of emotion, turned and rushed out of the room, nearly barreling over Jared as he ran down the stairs. Jared called after him but Evan was out the front door before he could do anything else.

Jared continued up the stairs until he got to his room where the door was open and Connor sat on the bed, his hands in his hair, tying knots. Jared slowly walked over to where Connor was and sat down next to him on the bed. Connor looked over at him through red, watery eyes, watching as Jared took off his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. Then, when he had put them back on, Jared held out his hand to Connor, waiting.

"Hand it over."

Connor quietly reached into his pocket and took out the razor blade, setting it gently in Jared's open palm.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight," Jared said, laying back in his bed and kicking his feet up behind Connor. "I'll stay awake all damn night if I have to."

"No you won't," Connor scoffed. "You won't be able to stay awake."

Jared raised his eyebrows and then leaned over, reaching under his bed and pulled out a can of Red Bull. He leaned back again and popped the tab, throwing back a big swish.

"Watch me, bitch. Now go to bed."

Connor smirked, and went over to his mattress on the other side of the room. He laid down on top of the blankets, soon asleep and breathing softly. Jared left on his lamp and grabbed a book. He texted Evan, before he got settled, saying:

 _I'll keep an eye on him. Don't worry_.

Then he opened the book and started to read.

He stayed up all night, just like he said.

 

 

 

_Don't go to war for me_   
_I'm not the one that you want me to be_   
_Don't call me up at 2 a.m. tonight_   
_It feels so damn good and I wish you would_

  
_Are we just gonna stay like this forever, floating?_   
_I'm serious, my heart is furious_   
_Cause I'm so confused when we're together_   
_Feels like I'm choking, these emotions_   
_I know I'm gonna let you down_   
_So don't hold your breath now_

  
_Bittersweet in your mouth_   
_Can you stomach the doubt?_   
_I wish I could say what I'm feeling_   
_I'm scared to let these words out_

  
_Don't go to war for me_   
_I'm not the one that you want me to be_   
_Don't call me up at 2 a.m. tonight_   
_It feels so damn good and I wish you would_   
_And don't cry no more for me_   
_Don't waste your time convincing me_   
_That maybe someday we'll get it right_   
_Cause we never could, I wish that we would_

_But we won't so just don't_

_We burn faster than a cigarette in my mouth,_

_I know it hurts, but baby, we can't stop now,_

_baby, we can't stop now_


	23. "We're Not Finished, Hansen"

"Graduation is in one week, Evan. Please tell me you remembered to turn in the school order form I gave you for your cap and gown?" Heidi was frantically getting ready to leave for one of her classes, as Evan sat at the kitchen island, munching on orange slices and a peanut butter sandwich.

"Same answer as when you asked me yesterday," he said through a mouthful, "and the day before that, and the one before that."

Heidi stopped her shuffling to glare at her son. "I don't need your sass right now."

Evan rolled his eyes and continued to eat his afternoon snack in silence. He had just got home from school and was adamantly ignoring all the finals he had to study for.

"I can't believe it's so soon," Heidi continued. "I haven't even sent out invitations to your grandmother and Aunt Helen for the after party!!"

"Mom, how many times do I have to tell you, I don't want a party. It's just gonna be you, me, grandma, Helen, and maybe Uncle Tom. That's so sad."

"I'm inviting Jared and his family too."

"So? That's still less than 10 people! That's so sad. Please, can't just you and I go out for sushi and call it good?"

Heidi sighed. "Baby, they want to celebrate with you. They're proud of you, like I am."

Evan grunted but didn't say anything else against it. He was mostly upset that his mom had invited Jared and his family, especially because Jared was hosting a super huge party at his house after his parents left to celebrate their anniversary that following weekend.

"Okay, I'm off, sweetie," Heidi left a kiss on Evan's head as she rushed out the door to the garage. "I'll be back around 11, don't stay up too late studying."

"Don't worry, I won't," Evan replied sarcastically, watching her vanish behind the other side of the door. Evan grabbed his phone and sent a text to Jared.

_Omg don't let my mom talk you into coming to my graduation "after party" as she likes to call it._

Jared quickly responded, most likely also procrastinating his homework.

_Why??_

_Because it's just gonna be us, your parents and my_

_boring ass relatives._

_Fine. I'll send a card w/ my parents then. Lol_

_Stop._

_God! Jk! Speaking of graduation (omg it's finally here praise Jesus) u_

_going 2 come 2 the rager I'm throwing next Saturday?_

_Jared, if it's actually a rager there's no way I'm going to show up._

_I wouldn't show up even if it were a regular party._

_O come ooonnnnn it's not gonna b that bad._

_You'll know like every1 going. U don't have 2_

_talk 2 any strangers I promise._

_You invited like your entire school._

_The school that wrote me anonymous letters??_

_T_ _he school I don't go to anymore??_

_Partying will make u feel better._

_No it won't._

_There will b alcohol._

_So? I don't f-ing drink_

_There's a 1st time for everything!!_

Evan rolled his eyes and sat down his phone, messaging his temples. Why was Jared so insistent about this? He knew they both knew it was a horrible idea. He just wanted Jared to shut up about it already.

_I'll think about it._

_!!!!_

_Don't get your hopes up tho!!_

_Fair._

Then Evan's phone lit up with another text, not from Jared Kleinman, but none other than Connor Murphy.

_Hey_

Evan's mouth went dry. He responded as casually as he could manage.

_hey._

_whatcha doin?_

_homework_

(He hadn't technically started yet, but he wanted to sound busy. And he did intend to start it soon.)

_Is your mom home?_

_Um no? She has class till 11._

_Can I come over and study with u?_

Evan was understandably suspicious. He and Connor hadn't spoken since that night at Jared's and since they didn't go to the same school, it seemed like Connor was grasping at straws for a reason to see Evan without just asking "hey can we talk?"

Maybe he was going to apologize. Evan took a breath, then replied.

_Yeah, I guess._

_Cool be there in 10._

_Oh, also I moved so you'll need to grab my new address from Jared. He has it._

_Oh. Ok._

Their conversation ended there, and Evan waited with bated breath for the infamous knock on the front door. It came in about 20 minutes, and Evan jumped out of his seat and to the front door in a flash. He casually opened the front door, gesturing Connor inside. He had actually brought his school bag with him, surprisingly, and gazed absentmindedly about him as he stepped through the threshold.

"You moved," Connor said stupidly.

"Yeah. We did. My mom got a new job."

"That's cool."

"Thanks."

Awkward silence ensued. Evan cleared his throat and started walking towards the kitchen. "You want water? Soda? Something? I thought we could study in the kitchen. I've got my stuff all spread out in there already. Do you have Flashcards or something you want me to help you with? Since we don't go to the same school anymore I wasn't sure what you meant by studying together..." Evan was rambling and he forced himself to stop.

Connor followed Evan to the kitchen and sat his bag down on the counter. "Oh, actually I was just going to work on a paper I have due tomorrow."

Evan grabbed two glasses out of the cupboard and set them down between them. "Oh, okay, yeah, so just...sit together and do our respective things...respectively."

Connor smirked. "Yeah. Is that okay?"

"Of course! Absolutely. Yeah." Evan poured them each a glass of Coca-Cola and then lifted himself up onto the stool next to where Connor stood. Connor followed his lead and sat next to him, taking out his laptop and opening it to where it showed a paper was indeed in the process of being written. Evan grabbed his pencil and continued taking notes from his math textbook. They sat in half-amiable silence for a good 15 minutes before anyone spoke up. Evan was dying to ask why Connor had really invited himself over, but he didn't get a chance to because the other boy beat him to a different conversation starter first.

"You excited for graduation?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, I guess. I don't really know what I'm going to do after though."

"Me either. I'm just fucking amazed I even made it to this point."

Evan snorted and Connor grinned half-heartedly. "Me too. Like, I'm surprised I made it! Not that you made it. Like...I knew you'd make it...I just mean...ya know..." Evan deflated, turning his face the other way.

"I know what you meant." Connor always did. He blushed. It was so damn cute when Evan stammered through his sentences like that. A few more minutes silence then he asked, "you going to Jared's party?"

"I don't think so," Evan admitted.

"Too big of a crowd." It wasn't a question. Connor had known Evan long enough to understand him almost completely.

"A-are you going to be there?" Evan asked sheepishly.

"Well, I live there, so yes."

Evan reconsidered his choice to stay home.

"Would you come if I said I wanted you to be there?" Connor asked.

The question made Evan's heart leap to his throat and he had to look over at Connor to see if he was serious or not. Connor was staring intently at his computer screen, definitely trying to keep his poker face locked. "Y-yes," Evan admitted shyly. He avoided Connor's gaze, even though he saw the other boy's head turn in surprise at his answer.

"Good to know," Connor said. "I'll remember that if I decide to ask you to come."

Evan smiled and rolled his eyes, butterflies flitting about his stomach. What a player, he thought.

They continued to study in respective silence, every once in a while Connor asking Evan if a certain sentence sounded strange. Then Evan asked Connor to drill him on his periodic table of elements Flashcards, and he readily obliged. Connor quizzed him on the abbreviations for multiple different elements, until Evan answered one with not the answer, but another question.

"Connor?"

Connor makes a noise in response.

"Why aren't you living at home?" There. He'd done it. He'd asked the ultimate question.

Connor stopped flipping through the flashcards long enough to digest the question Evan had just asked him. Evan was prepared to be met with resistance but Connor just sighed as he closed his laptop and but down the paper cards.

"I...I hurt Zoe. And I couldn't go back. I couldn't face them, my family, and I couldn't look at her after what she'd done...what she'd done to you."

Evan grew quiet. Connor had..."hurt" Zoe? What did that mean? Was she okay? "After I left school...what exactly happened?" Evan had heard bits an pieces but he wanted to know the rest. He wanted to hear it from Connor. Not doctors or lawyer or psychiatrists.

Connor was obviously contemplating whether telling Evan was a good idea, but he went ahead and took a risk. "Well...after the ambulance took you away, Jared and I were called to Principal Cartwright's office. He asked us what happened, we...kind of explained, but he didn't do much. Just made an announcement asking people to step forward with information. Well...after Christmas break, Zoe went back to school and confessed to...organizing the whole thing. And she was expelled. And that was that."

Evan twiddled his thumbs. "Then why did you bother with the letters?" If Zoe had confessed, what did it matter if no one else came forward?

Connor didn't hesitate. "It's not okay that everyone thought they could hide behind the anonymity. They need to own up to their actions. Not even my sister should have to take the fall for all that shit."

"Why did you give them to me though? Why not turn them into the school?"

"Well...they didn't hurt me. That's not my call. It's yours. You do with them what you see fit. I just did the dirty work for you." Connor smirked but Evan couldn't smile. He stared at Connor's nearly healed black eye, desperate to ask what happened, but he couldn't bring himself to form the words. Instead, he blushed and asked, "so you're afraid to go home because you don't think they'll forgive you for hurting Zoe?"

"I don't want them to forgive me, because I'm not sorry for what I did. She deserved it."

Evan didn't like the sound of that. "I forgave her."

Connor looked up, not sure he heard Evan right. "You what?" he clarified.

"I forgave her, months ago, for what she did. I...I hurt her too, and she was just...it's how she got her anger out."

Connor stood up, sliding off his stool. "What? You've got to be fucking kidding! You almost died, Evan! She practically almost killed you!" Connor was furious, and Evan tried not to feel bad for speaking his mind.

"I-I know, b-but I...cheated on her! With you! And nothing can ever forgive that, nor what she did! We're...we're even. I just...I just want to forget it all ever happened. And yes. Yes I forgive her!" Now Evan was standing, facing up to Connor, their clenched fists mirroring each other. "I'm not going to waste my life, my energy, hating her. Forgiveness is...important. Forgiving her is easy. Forgiving myself for what I did to her? That's the hard part."

Connor was silent, but his body relaxed a little. He just continued to stare at Evan.

"I want...so little from my life right now," Evan went on. "There's just a few things I wish would change. One, I wish you could let go of your anger towards Zoe. You need to move on. I can't stand to see the hate weighing down your shoulders, Connor. Two, I want nothing more than to start fresh, to move on and forget all the horrible decisions I've made in my life. I know they happened, and I can't fix them. But I can move forward and not make the same mistakes again. I can learn. And three...I wish, I wish I could have you again, they way we were before, and not have you look in my eyes and only see what I did to you there. I'm afraid that...that we'll never be close again cause you don't trust me. You'll only ever look at me and see Zoe, but I want you to know...I would have ch-chosen you."

Evan finished speaking, nearly out of breath, so incredibly nervous about the enormous amounts of his heart he had just spilled to someone he wasn't sure even still cared about him. He managed to glance up at Connor who had a very blank but expectant look on his face. He didn't speak, but Evan thought he caught his cheeks redden slightly. Then he cleared his throat, hoarsely asking, "you what?"

"Huh?" Evan clarified.

"You said...you would have chosen me?"

Evan blushed, his palms growing sweaty. "Um...well...I just...yes."

Connor...looked like he might cry? Evan wasn't sure what was happening, as Connor's face distorted into one that looked like pain, but then he let out a shaky sigh, saying, "I can't do it, Evan. I can't forgive her. And I can't be good enough for you." Connor grabbed his bag off the counter, throwing his laptop in it and zipping it up in a hurry.

"W-what do you mean?" Flustered, Evan gripped at Connor's sleeve, trying to get him to slow down. But Connor pulled away from Evan, wiping distractedly at his watery eyes. He rushed away, towards the front door, Evan following hurriedly after him. "Connor wait! Please don't go!!" Evan caught up to him, wrapping his arm around the taller boy's waist, burying his face in Connor's back. "Don't leave me, please, you're not...you ARE good enough for me. There's not...that's not how it works. Please stay. Please." Evan held on tight, forcing Connor to stop.

Connor looked up to the sky, as if God alone could tell him what to do. He let it a ragged breath, willing himself not to cry. God, why did Evan make him feel this way? What could he do to make these feelings go away? He meant it. He didn't deserve Evan. Evan was so good, and he was so...not. "Evan let me go."

"No. Not until you promise me you'll be okay."

"I promise."

"I don't believe you."

Connor actually laughed at that, but it was a sad and broken laugh. Connor slid to his knees, hunched over on the ground, his forehead resting on the door, Evan still clutching tight to his waist. "Zoe...she...how can you do it? How can you forgive her?" Connor truly didn't understand.

"Because there's only one thing I care about more than myself."

Connor waited for what he could only hope was coming next.

"You," Evan said. "Connor Murphy, no matter what Zoe did to me, she didn't make me lose you, and that's all I fucking care about." Evan let go so Connor could turn around to face him. His eyes were full of tears, a lone drop sliding down his cheek. His eyes were wide, full of wonder, his cheeks flushed, mouth slightly open. Evan, unbeknownst, let his eyes drift down to Connor's lips, a signal that the other picked up on in an instant, connecting the space between in a flash.

This was more than desire. This was emotion and stress and every missed moment of the five months when Evan was gone. They made up for lost time in every way they could imagine. Connor pulled Evan up into his arms, leading them into the next room and over to the couch. He sat down, pulling Evan on top of him, their hands in each other's hair, on each other's arms, waists, hips. Their lips frantically pulled and bit and kissed at each other, ragged gasps and heavy breathing filling the silent air. Evan felt the world spin. He had said it. He had told Connor Murphy that he was the only one he desired most in this world, and if the way Connor was kissing him back was any indication of how he felt, Evan had a feeling he felt the exact same way. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan's waist again, pushing him off his lap and onto his back onto the couch, Connor propping himself over him. They stopped long enough to look each other in the eye, smiling, tender, small, shy.

"When did you say your mom would be home?" Connor teased.

Evan blushed. "I..." he almost made up a lie, but then he thought, no. He was done denying himself what he wanted. "Eleven."

Connor looked at the clock. 10:15. "Plenty of time." He pressed his lips against Evan's throat, causing a loud cry to escape the other boy's lips. Evan gripped Connor's denim vest, sliding it down his arms, where Connor shook it off absentmindedly. Then he stopped kissing Evan long enough to sit up and pull his black t-shirt up and over his head, revealing his beautifully bare and smooth chest before Evan's wide, excited eyes. Connor actually blushed at the way Evan gazed at him so endearingly.

"Oh my god, you're so beautiful," Evan said. Connor laughed, lovely and high pitched. He pulled Evan up to meet his lips, where he worked Evan's shirt off as best he could while keeping their lips connected as long as possible. When they were both undressed from the waist up, they pressed their chests together and the feel of skin on skin sent and electric jolt through Evan's entire body. He physically ached. It wasn't enough. He wanted...no, needed, more. He wanted no distance between him and Connor anymore, emotional or physical. Evan reached down and undid his own belt, sliding it out of his jeans. Connor's eyebrows twitched up in surprise, but he matched Evan's actions, taking off his own as well. All this was between as much kissing as they could manage while still being able to breathe. Connor pushed Evan back over, pressing his body down directly on top of him, moving against him as he let his lips trail along Evan's neck and up below his ear. He worked there until Evan let out a loud cry.

Connor pulled away. "What?"

"That hurt!" Evan reached up and messaged his neck, just below the ear. "What did you do?"

Connor surveyed the damage. "Fuck."

Evan's eyes went wide. "What? What is it?"

"It's a hickey. It's...kind of big."

"Shit," Evan sat up, pushing Connor off him, rushing over to the mirror that hung in the entryway outside of the living room. "OH MY GOD!"

Connor winced from the other room, Evan reappearing shortly. "Look what you did!"

"God, Evan, if you'd stop being so hot, I wouldn't have to -"

They both froze.

"What was that?" Connor asked, a strange noise echoing quietly from outside. Soon, headlights flashed through the window.

"My mom!" Evan ran to his shirt and fumbled with it trying to turn it right side out.

Connor flew off the couch, doing the same. "What the hell! You said she wouldn't be home till 11!" They looked at the clock on the wall together. It read 11:10. "Where did the time go??"

Evan threw Connor's bag at him and his denim vest. "Grab your shoes and go out the front door! Where did you park?"

"Around the corner."

"Good, now go!"

"Won't she be coming in here?"

"She comes through the garage door, just go! Hurry!!" Evan practically pushed Connor out the front door, nearly slamming it in his face. When Connor was gone Evan flew up stairs to his room where he sat in his bed, trying to calm down his breathing. He texted Connor a quick apology. Then he heard the door shut as his mom came in. He heard her foot steps come up the stairs and she soon tapped on his door.

"Come in!" Evan said, his voice cracking.

Heidi poked her head in. "Hey you still up? It's a school night."

"I...was doing homework. I couldn't sleep."

"I saw it all downstairs. It's kind of a mess. You need to clean up you dishes. Was someone over? You had about two of everything out."

"J-Jared came over for a bit to help me study."

"Oh, did you guys watch a movie?"

"No?"

"The pillows are all off the couch."

Evan reddened. "Ah, well, he was teasing me so we had a ... pillow fight."

Heidi raised a quizzical eyebrow. "I see...well, please go clean up, then get in bed."

"Okay!" Evan jumped up and rushed to pass her on his way out the door, but she grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"What's this?" she asked, and Evan felt the blood drain from his face. Oh no. This was it. The lie was up. She'd seen it. He braced himself for the worst. "Your shirt is inside out," she said.

Evan let out huge breath. "Oh? Oops, I'm silly. Has it been like that all day?" He laughed and pulled away from her. "I'll go clean, sorry!" He headed downstairs, his heart beating a million miles per hour. He picked up all the pillows, put the dishes in the sink, and carried all his homework upstairs. He called goodnight to his mom and then shut his door with a slam.

Evan raced to the bathroom and surveyed the hickey a second time. It was getting worse by the second! It was super dark and purple, it almost looked like a bruise! He groaned, wondering what he'd wear to school tomorrow to hide it.

He got in bed and grabbed his phone, a text from Connor illuminating the screen.

_We're not finished, Hansen._

Evan blushed and shut the phone, then reopened it to send a quick reply; cheeky and so entirely unlike himself.

_I certainly hope not._

His heart was still beating out of his chest. God, kissing Connor made him an entirely different person.

He loved who he became when he was with him.

 

 

 _We could be strangers in the night_  
_We could be passing in the shadows_  
_We couldn't be closer if we tried_  
_When we're caught in the headlights_  
_We could be faces in the crowd_  
_We could be passing in the shadows_  
_Upping the risk to being found_  
_When we're caught in the headlights_

 _Dangerous_  
_Your love is always dangerous and now I'm_  
_Lost in us_  
_We're living in a lying trust_

 _I don't know why but I guess_  
_It's got something to do with you_  
_To do with you_  
_I don't know why but I guess_  
_It's got something to do with you_  
_To do with you_

 _I was a faking alibi_  
_Trading the truth in for a lie_  
_We were the essence of desire_  
_And we're caught in the headlights_

 _Dangerous_  
_Your love is always dangerous and now I'm_  
_Lost in us_  
_We're living in a lying trust_

 _I don't know why but I guess_  
_It's got something to do with you_  
_To do with you_  
_I don't know why but I guess_  
_It's got something to do with you_  
_To do with you_

 _Tell me that you love me_  
_Tell me that you love me_  
_Tell me that you love me_  
_Tell me that you love me_


	24. Those Three Fatal Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm a lonely depressed youth and finished writing this at 1:30 a.m. So, here; have a very, very unedited chapter that I wrote mostly on my phone. Whoops. Hope you like it anyway??? I'll edit it later?? 
> 
> Love me?? 
> 
> Leave comments??

Evan fidgeted with his cap. The darn blue and white tassel he had chosen tickled his nose as he stood, lined up next to the rest of his graduating class. He definitely did not like sitting up on stage, regardless if it were with 100 other students or not. There were too many eyes on him (true, they were probably all looking at their own child, not just him, but the way he was fidgeting could indeed have caused a few more eyes to glance his way) and he just wanted the damn principal to stop talking already so he could go home and never have to think about high school ever again. Eventually came the time in program where they started listing off every student's name so he or she could come forward and grab their diploma. When they called Evan's name, they had to say it twice, and the girl next to him nudged his elbow, awakening him from his daydream. Evan jumped up, mortified he had missed this moment, running forward and nearly tripping on his robe as he went. He bowed, grabbed the diploma, blushed furiously when his mother cheered from the back row, and rushed back to his seat. 

After everyone had come forward, the valedictorian gave her speech, and then the principal announced the graduating class of 2018. Everyone threw their hats in the air, cheering and hugging one another in delight. Evan threw his cap too, not going to deny himself that little joy, catching it again with a flourish. He smiled at Dorian down the opposite row and they gave each other a thumbs up. At least he had one fellow classmate to share this moment with.

After Evan walked offstage, Heidi and her family came running up to him, his mother enveloping him in a warm hug. "You did it! My boy graduating. Evan, I'm so proud of you." Evan smiled, delighted to see his mom so happy with his accomplishments for once. Evan went and hugged his grandmother too, who was standing next to Heidi holding on tight to her walker. When Evan leaned in to hug her around the shoulders she whispered in his ear, "Now you can leave this godforsaken town if you want. I certainly hope." Evan laughed, Heidi questioning him with her eyes, but he didn't explain. He just smiled back.

"Now let's go have some cake! It's waiting back at the house!" Heidi led the troops off to the parking lot where they got into their respective cars to take off. As Evan was just about to get into the backseat of his mom's SUV, Evan heard his name called from behind him. He turned around and it was Dorian, rushing up to him. "Mom, I'm going to say goodbye to one of my classmates, real quick. I'll be back." Evan shut the door and walked over to where Dorian stood in the middle of the parking lot. 

"Hey," Dorian said, holding a small box in his hands. 

"Hey."

"I wanted to say goodbye, well, because I have a feeling we aren't going to see each other again."

That made Evan sad, even thought he also believed it was probably true.  "I enjoyed going to school with you," he said. "Even if it was only for a few months."

Dorian smiled, "Yeah. Me too. I'm...I'm sorry for the stuff that happened...between us, but I don't think it was all bad, do you?"

Evan blushed. He tried not to remember their shared awkwardness, but it was nigh impossible. "No. There were good moments."

"Yeah," Dorian got quiet, then held out the box. "This is for you. It's just a little something I saw and reminded me of you." He held it out, and Evan shyly took it from his hands, their fingers brushing. Evan memorized that feel. It was so different than how he felt when he brushed Connor's fingers. 

"I didn't get you anything," Evan said, embarrassed. 

"Oh! That's okay! It's not like that," Dorian still looked sad, though. "Anyway...I just wanted to say, I really hope you have a good life, Evan Hansen." Dorian leaned forward, and in a flash placed a quick, light kiss on Evan's cheek. "Your Connor better be good to you, or else he'll have me to answer to."

Evan blushed. This was all so strange; the feeling of moving on and growing up, mixed with regret and indecision of the past. He kicked himself for not being a better friend to Dorian when he still had the chance. "I wish we would have met each other sooner," Evan said, and he meant it. Maybe then things would have turned out differently. Maybe they could have been better friends.

"Me too. But maybe we'll run into each other someday, years from now, like some sappy movie." Dorian smiled, this time a happy smile.

"Yeah, I hope so," Evan said. He wrapped his arms around Dorian, giving him one last hug, and when he pulled away, he felt a little choked up. "You're a good guy. I wish the best for you, too," and Evan walked away before his emotions could stop him. He got back in his car, silent as a mouse, and his mom looked at him through the review mirror. "Everything okay, honey?"

"Yeah."

Heidi didn't ask anything more. She understood.

Growing up is hard.

 

 

 

Back home, Evan sat on the couch eating a piece of vanilla cake with raspberry filling. He felt slightly uncomfortable remembering his and Connor's moment on this same couch a week before, wondering if his relatives could read the embarrassment on his face. This was his third slice of cake. Eating always made him feel better. Jared didn't actually end up coming to his "party" (if you could call it that) but he did what he said and sent a card with his parents, who did show up. Mr. and Mrs. Kleinman handed it to him, and when he opened it there was a gift card to "The Grange"; the local plant and outdoor store. The card read:

_Evan,_

_Here's $20 to go buy some seeds or something to ease your transition into adulthood. I know tending to plants will help you cope. Also, don't ask me to go with you. Please do us both a favor and take Connor instead._

_Anyway, I know high school is over and all, but we'll still see each other cause you and me can't shake whatever the hell this friendship between us is. Don't be a stranger._

_You're cool, loser._

_Jared_

 

Evan actually almost started to cry. He opened the card from Jared's parents next and there was a check for one hundred dollars in it too. He let his mouth drop and Mrs. Kleinman laughed.

"I can't accept this!" Evan gawked.

"Please, you've been a very good friend to our son, and we wanted to show you our appreciation. We can't wait to see what amazing things you accomplish in life, Evan." 

He stood up and thanked them, shaking their hands even though his palms were sweaty. After they left, things settled down, his grandma falling asleep in the living room while her and the rest of his family were watching baseball. Evan didn't care for sports, but he sat for a little while, to show he was at least trying to be sociable, until he sat up and told his mom that he was headed up stairs to get ready to go to Jared's graduation party.

"Oh, I thought you weren't going to go to that?" Heidi asked, surprised. 

"Well...I wasn't, but Jared told me they're kind of making it a formal thing? And since I didn't go to prom, I wanted to wear that suit you got me at least once."

Heidi beamed, pleased to see her son grown so much; graduating _and_ attending a party? So unlike him, but so good for him. "I"m glad you decided to go! Jared will be happy to see you, and you'll have fun!"

"Yeah," Evan half smiled and went upstairs to his room, where he opened the closet to find the suit he had mentioned. It was a deep navy blue, with a soft black check to it. It wasn't a tux, in fact, it was very fancy at all, but it was nice enough. He changed his shirt into a plain white button down, and put on a black tie too. Then he pulled on the pants and the jacket. He stood, looking at himself in the mirror, and couldn't place what was...off. Then it hit him.

He looked...older, and dare he think it? Kind of...handsome. He blushed and pushed the thoughts away. How narcissistic could he get? He was still stupidly short and his hair was always a bit of a mess; just because he slid into a suit did not make him James Bond. Still, as he walked away from the mirror he allowed himself one last look and slipped a small grin. He slid on his brown dress shoes (also brand new. They were still shiny and everything!) and then traipsed back down the stairs. 

His mom near cried when she saw him. "Oh my god, Evan! You look so handsome!"

 _Confirmed_ , Evan thought. But then he said, out loud, "Mooooom," groaning and rolling his eyes. He was still a teenager, after all. The rest of his family - Grandma, Aunt, and Uncle - even looked surprised. The half smiled at him, maybe even slightly proud. His Aunt Helen and Uncle Tom rarely said much (Helen was Heidi's sister) but Tom cleared his throat and said, "You look sharp, son." 

That right there made Evan beam. "Thanks," he said.

"Okay baby, have fun," Heidi hugged him and pulled away, keeping her hands on his shoulders. "Remember, don't drink and drive. Call me if you need a ride. Don't do drugs, not even weed, and please be careful." Heidi had to do her mom duty at least once. She didn't know what to cover, since this was practically Evan's first high school party. He never went to the dances, or their after parties, until now. 

Evan groaned. "Mom, I won't drink or do drugs, I swear. I've got to go now, okay?"

"Okay, bye! Have fun!" She hovered as he grabbed his wallet and keys and opened the front door, he was about to step through the threshold when he heard his Grandma yell from the living room, "And don't forget to use protection!"

. . . 

Evan decided to imagine she never said anything, and kept walking.

 

 

When he pulled up to Jared's house, Evan had to drive around the block a few times to find a parking space. There were cars everywhere. How the hell did Jared even get this many kids to come to his stupid party, anyway? Then he remembered. Alcohol will get teenagers to go just about anywhere. Evan already dreaded walking through the front door. He hoped to god no one remembered him, and that he could pass by in the shadows and up to Jared's room with being recognized. He put his car in park, and got out, apparently already late because no one else was outside. Good, he didn't want to be on time anyway. 

He trudged up the front steps and thought about knocking, but then that would mean someone would have to answer, and then that's already one person he'd have to talk to that he probably didn't want to talk to. So instead, he let himself in, and the music that met his ears made his head begin to spin already. A whiff of smoke passed his nose and Evan confirmed that, indeed, someone had already started smoking weed. The bass of the music echoed through his limps, so loud he could feel it in his chest. He coughed, already tripping over some kids loitering in the entryway.

"S-sorry," Evan said instinctively. Maybe if he hadn't spoken up they wouldn't have even noticed him, but they turned and looked at him and Evan braced for whatever was next. 

They didn't recognize him; their faces were blank. "It's okay," the boy said, turning back to his two female companions. Evan breathed a sigh of relief. He made his way through the house, looking for Jared. There were so many people, and combined with the music, Evan was beginning to feel light headed. His breath came in short, shallow gasps, and he rushed to the sink for a glass of water. As he was gulping it down, trying to calm himself, a hand was placed on his shoulder. Whipping around, Evan was faced with Jared, and, relieved, he silently thanked his stars. 

"You came!" Jared yelled, and with one whiff of his breath, Evan knew he was drunk. _Great, this is just great,_ he thought. 

"Yeah, just for a sec. Here, this is for you." Evan handed him his card, and Jared ripped it open. 

"Awwww, Hansen, you didn't have to get me anything, but thanks." Jared gave him a hug - Jared _never_ hugged, anyone - and Evan squirmed away. He didn't like anyone but his mom and Connor touching him. 

"Where's Connor?" Evan asked, unafraid of being obvious because he knew Jared wouldn't remember anything from tonight the next day. 

"Oh, pfffffft are you asking for your boyfriend already? Come hang out with meeeeee for a while first before you run off to have sex with him."

Despite the fact that Jared was drunk, Evan still blushed. "I don't think so, maybe later," Evan peeled Jared's sweaty hand off his shoulder. "Is Connor upstairs?" 

Jared sighed and made a gross face, shooting Evan a raspberry. "Ugh, yeah, I think so. I couldn't convince him to come downstairs. He's locked himself in my room." Evan didn't even wait to reply to Jared, but instead just pushed past him and up the stairs two by two. He reached Jared's door and gently knocked on it, trying the knob, and indeed, it was locked. He figured Connor wasn't going to just open it for anyone, so Evan grabbed his phone out of pocket and shot him a text.

_hey, it's Evan. let me in?_

Two seconds later, the door swung open, and a very dashing Connor was presented before him.

Connor was also in a full suit, black pants and jacket accented by a white shirt and long black neck tie, which was tied in a very perfect bow. Although Evan couldn't manage to gather all of his thoughts, he did reach forward and touch Connor's arm, asking, "is this velvet?" The jacket was certainly soft like velvet.

"Yeah," Connor smirked. It was cute Evan even knew what fabric it was. "Wanna come in?" He held open the door and Evan nodded, following him into the room. "Why are you dressed up?" Evan asked. "I thought you weren't going to go to the party?"

"I'm not, but I knew you'd be dressed up so I wanted to make an effort."

"Just for me?" Evan whispered, positively glowing.

"Mmhm."

Connor started collecting his things, putting his wallet in his back pocket, his phone in the other back pocket, and grabbing his keys off the dresser.

Evan raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Are we going somewhere?"

"Well...yeah, unless you want to stay at this fucking excuse of a party?" Connor knew he could easily get Evan to ditch. Evan didn't want to be here in the first place. He only came for Connor after all, and he knew it too. He shamelessly exploited this.

"Oh, I don't want to stay!" Evan agreed. "I mean, I would if you wanted to, but I'm okay if we leave too."

"Cool, then lets go." Connor went to the door, holding it open for Evan with a little bow, making the other boy giggle like a school girl. They traipsed down the stairs together, eager to escape, Connor brushing his fingers against Evan's hand as they went, desperate to hold them in his own.

When they got downstairs they had to go through the kitchen, and more than a few people noticed them this time, because now it wasn't just lonely nobody Evan; Connor was far more infamous with this crowd. Some people whispered as they passed but Connor didn't even flinch. Evan however grew rapidly uncomfortable at the looks they received. They reached the entryway and were stopped, right in front of the door, but none other than Harry Cane.

Evan barely remembered him. The only connection they had was that one day, so long ago, last September, when Evan rode home with Connor, and Harry and his friends were mocking him as he drove. Harry was a dick - that was common knowledge - but he had never done anything directly against Evan. Harry wasn't looking at him anyway. His attention was directed at Connor. Evan glanced over at Connor to find that his face had gone white as a sheet.

"Well well," Harry said, obviously intoxicated. "If it isn't my two favorite gay lovers."

Evan blushed. Sliding behind Connor a bit, itching to grab his hand for comfort. Harry's stance and tone were intensely aggressive, and Evan could practically smell the fight brewing on the horizon.

"I thought I taught you a lesson, Murphy?" Harry went on. "After all we went through, you still managed to convince this loser to fuck you?"

Connor wasn't replying, he was just staring through Harry like he wasn't even there, lost in another world. Evan looked up at him, waiting for the sharp, snarky responses that Connor was so known for. But he didn't say anything. He just...stood there. Evan saw his chest rising up and down in short, shallow breaths, and he worried he might pass out. That's when Harry directed his attention to Evan.

"And you...why the fuck didn't you come back to school? Afraid you'd be next after everyone found out you were fucking the school's emo psychopath?"

Evan twisted his face up into a hurt scowl, and then it softened, opening up as it suddenly dawned on him.

This was the person who had beat Connor up. He had literally just admitted to it! The way Connor was acting, how Harry was being so self righteous...it didn't take a genius to see through this one. And after his big realization, Evan didn't hesitate one more second. He stepped out from behind Connor, pulled his arm back, and smashed his fist into Harry's face as hard as he possibly could.

The sound of the smack, bone against bone, startled Connor awake from his delirium. Evan had never seen Connor look so utterly surprised before, and Connor had never seen Evan look so terrifyingly angry before. Evan held his fist in his other hand, his body shook with heavy breathing. Harry had stumbled over, one hand against the opposite wall for support as the other clutched at his face. Blood was quickly rushing out of his nose.

"What the fuck! You broke my nose!" Harry was screaming "you broke my fucking nose!!"

Connor grabbed Evan's hand and with his free one he grabbed the doorknob and flung the door open, pulling Evan after him. "Let's get the fuck out of here!" He yelled, and the two darted outside and down the steps. They heard Harry yelling after them, but the two boys dashed to Connor's car, jumping in and slamming the doors behind them. Connor revved the engine and sped off down the road before Evan even had a chance to buckle. He watched in the side mirror as a very angry Harry stood in the sidewalk screaming after them, nose crooked, flipping them the middle finger.

And Evan laughed. He actually laughed because he, quiet, shy Evan Hansen, had fucking punched Harry Cane, quarterback football star of Jefferson High, in the nose, and broke it.

Connor was smirking too, slowing down as they drove further and further away from the house. He looked over at Evan who was quickly loosing the happy grin he had just had.

"What's wrong?" Connor asked, noticing how Evan held his limp hand tenderly.

"Punching people hurts," he said, looking up at Connor with the saddest, most apologetic face anyone could ever possibly make.

Connor tried not to laugh but Evan looked so pathetic it was extremely hard not to. "We'll get you taken care of here in a minute."

"Where are we going?" Evan asked. Connor was getting further and further away from town, and Evan wondered where they could possibly be going that made sense still dressed in their suits.

"It's a...surprise..." Connor didn't want to give it away, even mentioning it was a surprise sort of ruined it for him, but he knew Evan got terrible anxiety attacks from surprises, so he bent a little.

"Oh...this far out? I'm still in my suit!"

"Yeah, and you look good in it too." Connor winked, and Evan reddened. "Although, I'd prefer if it were off."

Evan choked on his own spit.

Connor turned off the highway and onto a dirt road Evan didn't recognize. He swallowed the desire to mention (again for probably the 10th time since he and Connor had known each other) that the woods at night terrified him. But he knew Connor wasn't going to just drop him off and leave, so he shut his mouth. He watched out the window as the headlights hit on familiar landmarks, and Evan sat up, suddenly indescribably excited.

"Oh my god!" He half squealed. "I know this place! This is -" and that's when Connor turned into a clearing, revealing a small lake which reflected the near full moon in the sky above. Connor parked near the water, and Evan almost forget to unbuckle before flying out of his seat and into the crisp night air. There was a small dock that led out over the water and Evan raced to it and over to the edge, the tips of his shoes hanging over. He stared at the water.

He had dreamed of this place a thousand times. He had always wanted to come here but never had because he never wanted to go alone. Connor soon joined him by his side and they stared out at the water.

"I felt so stupid when I ditched you that one time back in March, when you wanted to go camping. I had to make it up to you." Connor said.

"How did you know I've always wanted to come here?"

"I didn't," Connor shrugged. "This is just one of my favorite spots. It's very secluded. I've never ran into anyone out here. It's public land, not a government park or private property. That's so rare nowadays."

They stared at the water and Evan thought about the letter Connor had written him when he was in hospital. How Connor had asked him what that one thing was that he'd always wanted to do, but never let himself follow the dream. This was it. Well, just about it. There was something else he'd always wanted to do, but he was too embarrassed to voice it out loud. Thankfully he didn't have to say anything because Connor nudged him with his shoulder, asking, "wanna help me set up the tent?"

Evan woke from his dream then. "Wait...we're camping? Like here? Right now? Tonight??"

"We can go home if you like."

"N-no!" Evan hastily butted in. "I just...I told my mom I'd be home by midnight."

"Tell her you're staying over."

"At...Jared's?"

"Yeah."

"O-okay..." Evan took his phone out of his pocket and had to walk around for a while to get connection while Connor unloaded supplies from the trunk of his car. After Evan managed to get a text sent to his mom, he turned the phone off and rushed to help Connor. They made relatively quick work of the tent (even though Connor did most of it, and Evan fretted that the poles weren't tight enough and they could collapse on them in the middle of the night.) After it was up, they blew up the air mattress and laid out the sleeping bags so everything would be ready for when they wanted to crash.

"I brought chips..." Connor said, digging through his bag, "and sour gummy worms."

"My favorite!" Evan said, reaching for them and ripping it open. He stuffed a handful in his mouth.

"At that rate, you'll be done in two minutes." Connor rolled his eyes, opening the bag of sweet onion kettle chips. He took a few out and then traded with Evan. "So you said you've always wanted to come here?" Connor asked. "To do what?"

Evan wasn't ready for the question, and his rosy cheeks gave him away.

"What?" Connor inquired. "Why are you blushing?" Now he was thoroughly intrigued.

"Nothing!" Evan lied.

"Tell me now!" Connor teased.

"It's stupid."

"No it's not. Tell me. Tell me or I'll tickle you."

Evan didn't like the sound of that. He swallowed his mouthful of chips and answered, not looking Connor in the eye.

"Remember that letter you sent me, while I was in the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"You asked me what one thing I always wanted to do was. That I'd always dreamed of but was never ... brave enough to do."

Connor remembered. "Yeah I told you to do it. To go for it."

"Well...do you still think I should do it?"

Connor rolled his eyes. "Well yeah, but I don't even know what it is you're fixing to do."

Even rolled up the chips and stuck them beside the bed. He stood up (as best he could in a tent) and grabbed Connor's hand. "I'll show you, then." Connor gladly took Evan's hand and let him lead them both out of the tent and over to the dock. They went back to the edge, standing where they had been just an hour or so ago. Then Evan took off his jacket and began to undo the buttons of his shirt. Connor stared wide eyed, waiting for Evan to say something. But he didn't speak. He kept undressing, taking off his shoes and socks next, then his pants, until he was standing in only his boxers in the crisp midnight air.

Evan had a dangerous glint in his eye; one Connor had never seen before. "Hey, I know it's June, but that water is still -" and before Connor could finish his sentence, Evan had taken three steps backwards and then darted forward, jumping off the end of the dock and into the water with a giant splash.

Connor's jaw dropped at the sight. He waited with baited breath until Evan's head popped up from the water, wading in the lake.

"There! I did it!" Evan let out a holler and laughed, delightfully beautiful, twisting Connor's stomach into knots. He smiled at the fact that Evan's deepest wish was as simple as swimming in the moonlight at midnight. Connor followed suit, striping off his suit, discarding it next to Evan's, and jumping into the water with a giant cannonball.

They waded there next to each other, their breath visible on the chill air.

"We're going to catch an pneumonia if we stay in here too long," Connor said, sounding more like Evan than himself at the moment. His teeth almost chattered together, he was growing cold so fast.

"Oh well, we can't get out yet," Evan said. "I haven't really done what I actually wanted to do."

"What more can there be?" Connor laughed. And then he watched as Evan fumbled around under the water until he lifted a hand and threw his boxers out of the lake and back onto the dock, soaking wet.

Connor was very hard to shock, but that right there did it. And then he laughed and laughed, almost unable to stop long enough to speak. "Evan Hansen!! You wanted to come skinny dipping??? You?!?" Connor thought it was the funniest and most surprising thing he'd ever encountered before in his entire life.

Evan could have grown embarrassed but because it was just him and Connor, he felt like an entirely different person. "Don't be a chicken," he said. "Follow suit or I won't ever let you forget it."

"Ha! I never turn down a dare!" And Connor soon threw his underwear on the dock next to the rest of their clothes. "Satisfied, Hansen?" Connor smirked.

Evan swam closer to him, just his eyes and nose peeking over the top of the water. "No," he said, breaching and raising his lips to meet Connor's.

Connor ached to wrap his arms around Evan, but something about being naked in the lake slightly turned him off. He kissed Evan back, and then pulled away, splashing him in the face. Evan squawked in protest, splashing Connor back until a full on water fight emerged. Their laughter filled the night air, the moon their only witness as they pursued each other in playful attack, just like two regular teenage boys should be spending the beginning of their summer before college.

After several minutes in the water, Evan's teeth began chattering and Connor decided that it was time to get out. Crawling out and back onto the dock was more of a challenge than they had anticipated, as neither boy wanted to directly be caught staring at the other. Evan made Connor get out first and run to the tent where the one, lone beach towel was. Evan waded in the water as he did so, willing himself not to turn around and peek at Connor as he ran off. When he came back with the towel, Connor dried off first, pulling on his suit pants again, and then he handed it to Evan who made Connor turn his back while he climbed out.

Connor was not as sincere as Evan, and he peeked (more than once) as the smaller boy dried himself off. Evan didn't notice, even as he finished getting dressed and turned back around to find Connor's face a very bright shade of red. He accounted it to the temperature of the evening air.

They grabbed the rest of their clothes and waddled back to the tent where they crawled in and immediately wrapped themselves up in their respective blankets.

"I brought a thermos of hot water," Connor offered. "Want cocoa?"

"Sure."

Connor readied their two cups and poured them each a mug, topping each with mini marshmallows. He handed Evan his, purposefully letting his fingers linger as he passed it off. Evan blushed and took a sip, purposefully avoiding Connor's gaze.

"How's your hand?" Connor asked.

Evan had forgotten about it. "It hurts to punch people," he said.

"No duh," Connor confirmed. "You didn't have to do that for me." Evan had been so...unlike himself in that moment, and Connor had been very impressed, actually.

"Yeah I did! He was being an asshole to you!" Evan's small fists clenched in remembrance of the event that had happened only a few hours earlier.

"You just going to punch everyone who's ever mean to me, Hansen?"

"He hurt you!"

"How did you know though?"

"The way you looked at each other," Evan stated plainly. "He's the one that gave you the black eye, wasn't he?" Evan sat his cup down, hot cocoa downed in less than five minutes.

"Yeah..." Connor grew quiet at that, holding his cup of cocoa for too long, growing cold. "Thank god we'll never have to see that motherfucker ever again."

Evan noticed Connor looked sad, unusually depressed, so Evan reached over and grabbed the cup out of his hands, Connor mumbling something in protest, which was soon silenced by Evan's lips on his own. What a good remedy, he thought. Connor leaned his head back on his pillow, Evan rolling over and straddling him. The kiss was gentler and more calm then they were both used to, but it was still blissfully perfect. Evan worked his way from Connor's lips down a straight line, leaving little kisses across his chest as he went, trailing down until they came to rest just below Connor's belly button, and above the clasp of his pants. Evan's small fingers worked them undone and were about to pull them down when Connor's hands flew to Evan and pulled him away.

"Don't! Please stop!"

Evan sat up, startled, and looked away, embarrassed. He climbed off Connor and back over to his side of the mattress. "S-sorry...I-I....thought since y-you brought me here...well, I m-mean, you..." Evan stopped talking, not sure what to say in such a delicate situation. He laid down and turned his back to Connor, pulling the blanket over his body. He started to cry but kept it as silent as possible. "G-goodnight."

Connor had rolled over too, him and Evan laying back to back. He was frustrated with himself. He didn't want Evan to stop what he was doing - fuck, he wanted it so bad - but when Evan touched him, all he could see in his mind's eye was Harry's face, sneering back at him, as he slammed Connor's face against the wall, and thrust himself against him.

It was a horrifying flashback, and scared the shit out of Connor. He snapped at Evan because he was scared. But he shouldn't have taken that out on Evan, and now he was turned away from him, probably hating him for shutting him out like that.

"Hey Evan?"

Evan didn't respond. Connor went on anyway.

"Harry didn't just beat me up..." he whispered, even though there was no one around except the two of them. "...he raped me, too."

Evan's eyes went wide and he immediately flipped back over to face Connor, who was still laying facing the other way. "No...Connor. N-no..." he didn't know what to say.

Connor was crying now, and he didn't want to turn around to face Evan when he was such a mess like this. But then he felt a pair of short arms envelope him from behind, small hands resting delicately on his chest before his eyes.

"Connor, I'm so sorry," Evan said. And he hoped Connor could tell from his voice how much he meant it.

Connor rolled around so that him and Evan were facing each other; their tears perfect reflections of each other. They laid, nose to nose, and Connor managed to raise his arms and wrap them around Evan back.

"I'd never hurt you," Evan said through his tears.

"I know you wouldn't," Connor agreed, placing a tender kiss on Evan's forehead.

Evan took a deep breath. "I love you, Connor Murphy."

Connor's eyes went wide, more tears staining his cheeks, and down onto the pillow they shared.

"I love you too, Evan Hansen."

They fell asleep in each other's arms.

 

  
_We're outside, it's cold enough to see your breath_  
 _You don't mind undressing till there's nothing left_  
 _I feel the fire, it's comforting, it lights you up_  
 _I see everything I need right here and now_

_You outside, it's just you and I_   
_I couldn't love you more if I tried_   
_It's crystal clear as we disappear_   
_Swimming in the moonlight_

_Though we're moving quickly it feels I've waited all my life_   
_Until this moment I'd only dreamed of paradise_   
_Four hours without a single word, we hold on tight_   
_If nothing's perfect then you and I are nothing tonight_

_You outside, it's just you and I_   
_I couldn't love you more if I tried_   
_It's crystal clear as we disappear_   
_Swimming in the moonlight_

 

 

 


	25. And This is What I Long For

July 28th, 2017

_Still no word from Connor. What is that motherfucker playing at?? It’s been 5 weeks, I set sail today and have texted him multiple times telling him I’m leaving. He obviously doesn’t care… or… maybe he’s gone. I have that thought every day. Maybe I wasn’t enough for him. Enough to keep him believing life was worth living._

_That I simply wasn’t enough._

October 17th, 2017

_Finally heard from Zoe. She said Connor sent them a letter saying he’s fine but living on his own, and would rather they not try to contact him. Why didn’t he write me that? He could have gotten my landing addresses from my mom and sent me a letter too. Why is he being this way? What did I do to deserve this? How can he be so cruel?_

April 2nd, 2018

_I’ve given up on him. I’m not going to waste any more of my time and emotion on holding out hope for him. He lied. He doesn’t love me, he never did. He wouldn’t be this silent if he loved me. It’s been 10 months. 10. Might as well be a lifetime, for how it feels._

_We’ve landed in Amsterdam. I finally had connection and tried to call him, but it’s the wrong number. He must have gotten a new phone. We’re here for 2 months to report our findings, turn in logs, and then we’ll be back at sea for another 7 before landing in New Zealand. Then home. After 14 more months I’ll be home again, and all this too will have felt like a dream. Will my life never be more than a series of missed chances and hopelessly lost memories? I don’t even know who I am anymore. Everything that defined me was tied to him, and now he’s gone and now I am nothing._

_I feel stupidly empty inside. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to move on. I think I’ll be alone forever. If I can’t have him I want no one._

_He is everything I’ve come to hate, and yet I still love him._

_I am sick._

April 17th, 2018

_I’ve met a girl._

_Her name is Eliza and she is beautiful. She looks so much like Zoe it makes my heart ache. I do not love her…though I spoke the words to her last night. Last night…when I regretted all my decisions as I lay tangled up with her, bare skin intertwined in white sheets as I gave myself to her. Funny how I always assumed it would be him, and yet it wasn’t. It was a Dutch girl named Eliza who said she will wait for me when I finish travelling the globe to come back for her. She doesn’t mean it. I am not worth waiting for and she knows it. I feel sick to my stomach, because the entire time I was with her, I could only imagine his face in her place. What a cruel trick the mind plays on unsuspecting victims like me._

_I cried for him today. How I miss him. How I can’t forget him, even while with another._

June 14th, 2018

_First day back at sea. I miss the land already. I have already forgotten what the trees looked like._

 

September 1st, 2018

_I dreamt of the orchard last night.  We were lying side by side under my favorite tree, watching the clouds pass by us, naming off all the colors we could see in the sunset. He turned to me, and though he didn’t speak, I knew he was saying, “Evan, silly Evan, I didn’t leave you. I just disappeared for a while. Why would you doubt I’d ever come back to you? You are my everything. Why didn’t you believe me?”_

_Oh, how I wish it were true. But it has been so long I can only believe he is either dead or done with me. It doesn’t matter which, either is enough to break me._

Janurary 16th, 2019

_Winter is freezing at sea. We have landed in New Zealand and it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen with my own eyes. I never want to leave. I think I shall move here someday, and live in a little house by myself, with some goats and a bountiful garden to sustain me. I will need no one, and no one will rely on me._

_That is everything I long for right now. Nothing more._

_No one more._

January 30th, 2019

_I received a letter from my mother today. She is so excited for my return. She told me my room is just as before; she hasn’t moved a thing. It will be…disappointing to go back to living with her after so much time alone, but she is lonely too, and I know I can help her around the house a little, until I find a place of my own. I do miss her though. She is all I have left in this world. Perhaps I am being overly dramatic, but since losing him, it truly feels so._

February 14th, 2019

_Valentine’s Day is a dumb holiday. Just my two cents. We head back to Washington today. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t want to be pulled back to reality quite yet. I will miss being someone no one knew for once. I hate the idea of going home and once again being recognizable as the loser who has crippling anxiety, no friends, and no will to live._

June 20th, 2019

_This is it._

_We dock in 13 hours. I have a terribly feeling in my stomach about going home. I’m scared for what I’ll find._

_I’m scared to face myself again._

 

 

 

There was a knock at his door.

"Hey, Hansen, you almost done with the logs? We dock in 30 minutes and we've got to turn them in to Gerard when we check in."

Evan looked at the graphs before him, compass and pencils strewn about. It looked like an unorganized mess, but in actuality, he was almost complete. "Yeah, I'm almost done," he sighed as James sat down in the chair by the window, swaying with the rhythm of the water.

"It feels weird to think about landing, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah," Evan agreed. He hadn't walked on dry land in over 7 months. He'd been gone for three times long, but the first time they'd docked for a month in Amsterdam, and another in New Zealand. "It'll be stranger to go home. I haven't seen my family in...so long." He thought about his mother and glanced up at the picture on his desk; her bright smiling face looked back at him and made his heart soar. He smiled.

"And Eliza?"

Evan blushed. "Ah, she didn't wait for me. I thought I told you that? She sent me a letter from Amsterdam. Called it quits. Said she couldn't wait for a boy who sailed around the world and only visited her once every few years. I get it though. I wouldn't be able to wait either."

Truth was, he could have waited, for any length of time, when it came to true love. He was still waiting, actually, on his first love...the one who disappeared in the middle of the night and hadn't heard from since. He still kept his picture in his wallet, hoping to hear from him, reconnect...ah well, that was probably impossible.

"Well then," James said standing up, "fresh start. You're lucky to get one of those. Not all of us do." James was back on probation, for a crime he committed 35 years ago. They'd let him sail for work, but since the job was done, he'd go back to being stuck in his home town for good.

"You miss your wife and kids I assume," Evan said with a tender smile. "They'll be happy to see you."

"Oh yeah, the little devils, hahaha, I can't wait to see them. They’re going to be unrecognizable, I'm sure. Shot up several inches. Well, I'll let you finish. I’ll come get you when we dock. Better finish packing the rest of your things." He stood up, clapped Evan on the shoulder, gripping it firmly with a smile, and let him be.

Evan sighed again, not ready to go back to ordinary life after two years at sea. After graduation, he'd applied for an internship with an oceanography company that was setting out to log parts of the ocean that needed remapping. They hadn't been logged in so long, they need to update their charts to account for the shifting of tectonic plates and climate change affecting certain regions. Evan was one of hundreds who applied, but somehow by miracle among miracles, he was chosen. No experience was required, they would train you on the job, you just had to have good grades, and a good standing record. When he left home, there wasn't much he left behind that tied him to his old life. His mom cried of course, but said over and over how proud of him she was, and how he’d better write her every time they docked. He did.

He'd said good-bye to Jared, who was reasonably shocked Evan was actually doing this, leaving home for so long all alone. "It's like you're actually going to college," he'd said, "but you're not." It had made Evan laugh, which he assumed was the point. They bro hugged it out and promised to stay in touch.

They didn't, but oh well. Life happens.

There was one person though who Evan did _not_ get to say good-bye to. And that was of course Connor Murphy, the one and only true love of his life. The last time they saw each other was the night of graduation, when they’d gone camping. Evan confessed his feelings, they both fell asleep after tears and trials, and then when he’d awoken, Connor was nowhere to be found. He had left everything, all the things he’d brought, everything but his clothes and bag. Evan had a panic attack and had to call an ambulance to come get him because he couldn’t see or breathe. They took him back home where his mother scolded him for lying then embraced him with forgiveness. They went back and collected Connor’s things the next day to take to the Murphy’s where they too had not seen or heard from him yet.

The police couldn’t do much, because Connor had turned 18 recently, and therefore as an adult, they couldn’t treat it as a missing person’s case until after 72 hours of no communication. Evan had his phone on him at all times those next two days, waiting with baited breath for Connor to call him or text. But no phone call ever came. Connor made no connection with either Evan or his family until 4 months later, when Evan was already at sea, when he sent his parents a letter saying he was fine, but living on his own, and would rather they not try to contact him. He still didn’t reach out to Evan though.

It was a strange feeling, to be so forgotten so fast. It was as if the last year he’d had with Connor was completely worthless to him. What did it matter, what connection you shared with someone, if it didn’t continue on? Connor had made it very clear that Evan meant nothing to him, and therefore Evan had every right to cut him and all thoughts of him out of his life forever.

Too bad love wasn’t that simple.

 

 

Evan stepped onto dry land with a wobble. It was strange to have solid ground under your feet, and he felt the same way every time, in Amsterdam, New Zealand, home. The comforting rock of the waves had been a solace. Now this…this felt like a crude awakening.

He looked up and saw Heidi, waving her arms madly as she rushed forward to embrace him.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re home. I can’t believe my baby boy looks so grown up. Almost 20!! What am I going to do with you? Let me look at you.” She stroked his hair, his cheeks, his arms. He looked exactly the same, but older. Wiser even. He’d learned something from being on his own, there was no denying that. “Let’s get you home. Fresh clothes, warm food, comfy bed. Oh, Evan, I missed you so much. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom,” he smiled. Her hug felt nice. Maybe this wasn’t so bad. Maybe he could do this. Maybe he could be home and not think about _him_ every waking moment, when everything around him reminded Evan of what he’d had, and lost.

The house looked the same. The same pillows on the couch, the same smell of coffee and cocoa in the air. The same wagging tail there to greet him at the door.

“Samson!” Ah, the love between boy and dog. Now there was a bond that could never be broken. “How are you not ancient? I feel like there should be a little more white under that chin than there is! No fatter, I see, good, good. Didn’t want Mom spoiling you to make up for the lack of attention from me.” Evan smiled as dog kisses graced his face. This was what home felt like. “Something smells good. Soup?”

Heidi nodded. “Chicken soup and warm bread. Come and get it!”

Dinner was just as good as before. “I didn’t realize how much I missed your cooking,” Evan said through a mouthful. “If you don’t mind, I’m a little tired. I think I’ll head upstairs for the night. Try to catch up on my sleep since I’ve had a few rough nights lately.”

“Of course,” Heidi stood up to give her son one more hug. “I’m so glad to have you back,” she said.

“I’m glad to be back,” Evan lied. “I’ll see you in the morning. Help you around the house. What needs done?”

“Hmm…you could wash the car?”

“Deal.” He kissed her on the forehead and headed up the stairs to his old room. God, she wasn’t kidding when she said it was exactly the same. Senior year of high school came flooding back like a nightmare then. He had to sit down to calm himself out of an attack. He could almost see _him_ sitting in the corner of the room, at Evan’s old desk.

God, why couldn’t he just say his name??

“Connor.”

There he’d said it out loud. There was nothing to be afraid of.

Except of course the feeling that soon began to well up inside his chest that practically suffocated him to death. Soon after, there it came spilling over, the heart wrenching, hiccupping sobs of someone who’s trust had been broken; who’s love had been lost.

 

 

Evan woke the next day feeling more exhausted than when he’d gone to bed the night before. He tossed and turned, finding his bed uncomfortable. His dreams kept him feeling like he wasn’t really sleeping. Of course, they were all of Connor, and that didn’t help in the slightest.

When Evan rolled out of bed, his phone lit up with multiple notifications, one of which was a text from his mom saying she’d be home around 4 after work. She told him where to find the bucket and sponge for the car, and also asked him if he’d weed the garden too. Evan was oddly excited to work in the garden again. He needed dry earth and solid ground after months on the water.

Another text was from Zoe, welcoming him home, saying she wished she could come give him a hug. Although they were estranged, it still felt good to know she thought of him, and cared about him still. He was surprised by her kindness, after all he’d done to her.

Evan made quick work of the car, followed by the garden. He hadn’t realized he’d spent all day outside until Heidi came home and called to him from the back porch. He got up and dusted off his pants, throwing the trowel and gloves into the weed bucket.

“This is a mess,” he said, gesturing to the yard. “You really don’t take care of the place without me, do you?”

“You know about all that plant stuff better than I do,” she smiled. “You want to come in and have some dinner? I know it’s early, but I picked up some fresh bread and it smells to amazing not to dig into right away.”

Evan smiled, “Although that sounds delightful, I’ve been thinking I’ll go take a drive. See how the town’s changed, I don’t know…get out by myself for a little bit. Is that alright?”

“Of course, Evan. Just let me know when you’re on your way back and I’ll fix you up a plate.”

They hugged and Evan grabbed the keys to his old car. He couldn’t believe, as he slid into the driver’s seat, that it had been two _years_ since he’d driven a car. He laughed to himself hoping he hadn’t forgotten how. Driving, though, is like riding a bicycle. He hadn’t forgotten and it felt good to be in the seat again, the ability to take oneself anywhere one chose, whenever, with complete freedom.

He wasn’t just out for a drive though. That was entirely truthful, what he’d spoken to Heidi. There was only one place he was going, somewhere he’d thought of every single day he was absent from it. His place. _Their_ place.

He pulled up outside the orchard, and it was as still and lonesome as he felt in that moment, standing before it. Evan got out of the car and began his ascend into the mass of overgrown trees, bushes, and brush. He heard the sounds of birds dispersing as he walked, squirrels hurrying away up the branches out of sight. It was so peaceful…and so sad. It felt terribly sad to be walking in here alone, when all he wanted was one certain hand holding his and sharing this moment with him.

“Fuck!” Evan yelled into the still air, his voice seeming to echo forever. What was it about Connor that mesmerized him so? That bastard had cut himself off from the world – Evan included – and yet here Evan was, still as in love with him as ever before. He couldn’t get him out of his head. How could you actually forgive someone who had the guts to _do_ that to you? Evan wanted nothing more than to be mad enough to end it all right now. He saw a perfectly tall tree, just high enough off the ground that if he jumped…

He shook his head.

Connor was not worth killing himself over. He had proved that by disappearing and thinking nothing of Evan or his feelings.

Evan made his way further into the glade until he came upon the clearing. The grass was higher than ever, and he waded through until he came dead center, throwing himself to the ground, grass engulfing him. He watched the sky as the clouds quickly turned from white to pink to orange with the sunset. He turned to his right and could almost make out the outline of where Connor had laid with him their first time here. How he had wanted to kiss him, but hadn’t. Hadn’t known what that meant, what it felt like to be in love. He had mistaken it for uncomfortableness. But those weren’t knots of anxiety, they were butterflies of longing.

“Hey.”

Evan didn’t move. The voice sounded too real. His mind was being unfairly cruel today.

“Evan?”

Evan bolted upright, his head barely peeking over the tall brush. He could make out the faint outline of a person, and although his mind tried to reason out all other possible explanations, there was only one person it could be. He stood up, his heart beating a million miles per hour, and he stumbled backwards, like a helpless animal trying to flee.

“No…no…no…no…” he couldn’t stop saying it, over and over.

_No. This wasn’t happening. He isn’t here. He’s dead. He’s…gone. He…_

“No!” Evan yelled, forcefully. Terrified. “You’re not real. I’m imagining this whole thing.” Evan gripped his hair and pulled at the scalp, hoping the pain would clear his quickly blurring vision.

Connor stumbled forward, trying to pry his hands down, but Evan flinched away at the touch, almost hitting him in the face. Connor looked pained. Like he didn’t _understand_.

“What do you want?” Evan cried. His tears that had seemed built up over the last 24 hours finally spilled over in buckets and waves. “You…you can’t do this. This isn’t fair. You…you _bastard_. You fucking asshole!” Evan screamed and lunged at Connor, throwing his entire body weight so that they came crashing to the ground, Evan on top of him, screaming, scratching, punching any part of Connor’s body he could hit.

“Evan!” Connor yelled back, finally managing to catching his flailing arms and grip them midarm. “Stop!”

Evan fought and fought to escape Connor’s grip, but just wasn’t strong enough. His body eventually went limp and his tears dripped down his nose, landing softly on Connor’s cheek. “I hate you,” Evan said.

“I know,” Connor answered. “I hate me too.”

“Why?” Evan asked. He didn’t need to clarify his question. Connor was playing dumb if he acted like he didn’t know what Evan meant.

When Connor was sure Evan wasn’t going to lash out again, he let go of his arms, and Evan slid off him and stood up, brushing the dust off his pants. A thunderbolt lit up the sky above them, a rumble quick behind. “W-why?” Evan repeated again, trying to contain his childish stutter through his tears. “You know what this is doing to me right now; you standing here like this? Look at you. You haven’t changed a day. You’re like a ghost. I must be dreaming. This can’t be happening to me right now.”

“I know, Evan, I’m sorry. I should have done something –“

“You should have done _anything_. You wrote your family a letter, you wrote _Zoe_ , but you didn’t write _me_? You didn’t say a word to me, who you said you _loved_? You ran away in the middle of the night leaving me alone, scared, thinking you were _dead_ , for _two months_! Connor!” It physically hurt Evan to say his name out loud.

Connor hung his head. He really knew there was nothing he could say to fix this. Evan would have to make the choice on his own if he wanted to fix this. Connor had already screwed it up bad enough. “I wanted to kill myself,” he told Evan. “I was this close.” He held out his arms, shoving up his sleeves, showing skin scarred with crisscrossing lines. “I tried, over and over, but every time I came close, I saw your face, and I couldn’t. You’re the only thing that kept me alive.”

Evan looked stunned. “ _I_ kept _you_ alive? What about the fact that I thought you had abandoned _me_ , and I spent multiple nights awake on a ship, thousands of miles away, standing on the edge of the rail in storm after storm, ready to toss myself into the waves? _You_ made _me_ want to kill myself!” Evan sobbed, hiding his face in his hands, unable to look Connor in the eye.

Now it was Connor’s turn to cry. He looked to the sky, another flash of light illuminating their surroundings. He glanced back at Evan, his face a contorted mix of pain, their tears mirroring one another. “I couldn’t do it,” Connor said. “That night of graduation, when you told me you loved me, I meant it when I said it back. But I couldn’t let you give your love to someone like me. Someone so undeserving of any love, from anyone. You…you are so perfect, you are everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more, and I don’t deserve you. I did the only thing I could think to do; the only thing I’ve ever been capable of. Running away. I couldn’t let you give yourself to me so wholeheartedly when I don’t deserve it. It wasn’t fair to you.”

Evan managed to look up, and Connor’s tears managed to move him, a little. “Who are you to decide who’s worthy of me giving my love to? I chose to love you because it’s what _I_ wanted. Fuck what _you_ think! Fuck what _you_ deserve! If you always got what you deserved, right now, you’d deserve for me to push you away and never speak to you again. We…we made a lot of mistakes. _I_ made a lot of mistakes. If anything, I don’t deserve _you_ , after all I put us through. I’m…I’m a worthless piece of shit. I never treated you as well as I should have. As well as you really, truly deserved. You…you were my everything. You…you still are.”

It was enough. Connor held tight to those words and ran with them. _You still are._

“I’ve changed, Evan, and so have you. We both just spent two years almost entirely _alone_. My family…they moved to Virginia, did you know that? After I left they just packed up and went. I got a call from Zoe and she told me, once they were already gone. I had _no one_ , and all I could think over and over was ‘why the fuck did I let Evan Hansen go? I wouldn’t be alone if I had held onto him’.”  

Evan felt a rain drop grace his forehead, then his shoulder. They mixed with his tear stained face. “You didn’t have to let me go. You could have…I wouldn’t…”

“I thought it was too late. I thought you wouldn’t be able to forgive me.”

“Every day you let pass without a word made it harder and harder to forgive you.”

“Do you? Forgive me?”

“I don’t know,” Evan began to sob again. “I w-want to. I really w-want to. But I’m so scared you’re going t-to h-hurt me again.”

Connor took a step forward, so they were face to face, his breath hot on Evan’s skin. “I’m going to. I can’t say I won’t hurt you because I know it’s going to happen. I’ve hurt you before, I’ll hurt you again, but I swear to god I’ll always come back. Haven’t I always come back?”

Evan couldn’t pry his eyes away from Connor’s. He saw reflected in them all the times before when he’d thought he’d lost Connor.

The time Connor discovered he’d cheated on Zoe with him.

The time he’d tried to commit suicide.

Three months in hospital with no contact.

Two years at sea…

Connor wasn’t lying. It was true. He had always given Evan a second chance, had always found his way back again. Wasn’t it time Evan repaid the favor?

“I don’t know who you are anymore,” Evan said. “I don’t know who I’m going to find if I let you in again.”

“You’re not who you were before, either,” Connor took another step closer, his hair quickly becoming damp from the quickening rain. A small drop from a stray curl landed on Evan’s nose. “Can’t we get to know each other again? Can we…start over? I want nothing more than to redeem myself. Please, Evan. Don’t lie to me and deny you want it too.”

Evan’s heart was in his throat, pounding from the closeness of the person who had haunted him for weeks on end. Could he look Connor in the eye and lie, saying he wanted him to go? To leave him forever and never make contact again? What was one more lie? He was infamously practiced at them…

No.

Never again.

No more lies. No more deception. No more running away.

“I forgive you.”

The three hardest words he’d ever spoken in his entire life, but once they were out, he felt a weight lift from his chest. As if on cue, more thunder roared through the sky and the rain instantly began to downpour. Connor smiled and gripped Evan’s arm. “Let get out of here!” he yelled over the sound of the storm.

They raced to find their way back out of the orchard but Evan stopped them in their tracks as the passed the old, abandoned farm stand towards their right. They changed course and raced over to it, trying to find a way in through the boarded-up windows and doors. Evan’s fingers pried at the front door, his hands soon scratched with splinters, when Connor called to him from around the side. He found him kicking in a small side door, and they huddled through the small opening.

“Jesus, where did that come from? I haven’t seen a summer storm like that since…” Evan paused as he found Connor staring at him, wet hair hanging around his shoulders. “What?”

Connor closed the few steps between them and pinned Evan against the wall, smashing their mouths together in a heated furry.

Evan had forgotten what it felt like to kiss someone you were in love with. He remembered now. It was like coming home. It only took a moment’s pause before Evan kissed Connor back. They knew each other’s bodies like no time had passed at all. Connor’s hands found their way to wrap around Evan’s waist, gripping the wet shirt with frantic fingers. Evan’s fingers found their way to intertwine with Connor’s curls, pulling, ever so slightly so that Connor would moan into their mouths. It was a rhythm they had, and they found it again without any hesitation.

Connor tugged off Evan’s shirt, followed by his own.

A discarded belt.

A pair of jeans. Some khakis.

They pulled away, breathless.

“Connor?”

“Yes?”

“I love you. I always have, and I always will.”

“Believe me when I say I love you too. I swear to god I’ll never run away again.”

“I believe you.”

Frantic, passionate, their mouths found each other once more. Hands ran up and down bare skin. Evan shivered as Connor’s fingers trailed their way down his body, resting gently below his waist.

“Is this… is this okay?” Connor asked, before continuing.

Evan blushed, just barely could he make out Connor’s equally red cheeks in the dim light. “When I…when I was away…I spent so many nights laying in my bed, alone. I would toss and turn restlessly, having not slept more than a few hours, and there was only one thing I could think of that would help me fall asleep. You. You are all I’ve ever wanted. And this…” he pressed his body in closer to Connor’s, his hands reaching up to gently stroke Connor’s face, Evan’s fingers lightly brushing his lips.

“And this is what I long for.”

 And then, no words could break the silence that their bodies were eager to fill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it. Congrats on not giving up on me!! Hope you all enjoyed this read, and that you'll stay tuned for more stuff in the future! Don't know if I'll write any more tree bros stuff, but I would if I thought you'd all be interested. Shoot ideas my way. And again, thank you for sticking with me and this story, I hope you loved it as much as I loved writing it! Stay in touch, ya'll. I love you. <3


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